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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

just thew my husband out and need support please

204 replies

goinginsane · 05/07/2005 22:40

see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=84628 sorry i an't do links.My next door nieghbour and dp have been having a sex text affair and were aranging to take it further.I have just found out tonight her husband rang me.Bloody hell what am i going to do

OP posts:
overdraft · 25/07/2005 14:11

hi all
i can't get the messenger to work i got your message kath but don't know how i reply to it.I left it on and went off upstairs for a phone call to dh as it happens.
I am back here and i just can't think straight i feel as angry as i did the day it happened.I just cringe and feel sick at the thought of it all.I really am havning trouble with the fact how could he love me and do that.I love him so much that i never could.

kath4kids · 25/07/2005 15:32

I couldn't ever imagine doing it to him either. I do think he has taken something very special away from our relationship, and feel that he now knows what it is like to do it with someone else where as before he had nothing to gage our sexual relationship on and now he does and i don't.

He has now decided to appeal against decision to dismiss him. Appeal on 8th Aug. So we will know i hope pretty soon after that the decision. He cant just roll over and die and has nothing to loose by appealing.

Just been down to town and discovered from two seperate sources that it is out in the community (whops) but i suppose that was inevetable really.

All you have to do on messenger is click in the empty box and write then press return or send on bottom left of box. Good luck

granarybeck · 25/07/2005 16:24

overdraft. really glad to hear you are thinking of giving it a go. at least then you will know that you have tried and done everything you can for yourself and your family. i think going back to feelings of anger and despair of how could he do that if he loves me is normal. i still find myself doing it a year on, though less frequently and i don't think its something my dh has ever been able to properly answer to me or myself. I think in the end you almost get used to the thought and so it doesn't hurt as much, that sounds more negative than i meant, but without knowing it you do develop ways of coping with such painful thoughts. i know it is the hardest thing i have had to cope with about the whole experience, was deealing with the thoughts that always came into my head and made me feel either so angry or so upset.
Kath4kids, i can understand your feelings about the effects on your sexual relationship. i found it difficult to know that my dh had someone new to gage our sexual relationship with. i guess i just had to cling on to the knowedge that our sexual relationship is about so much more than a fling; the history, closeness, our children, the pain and the love all make up our relationship now. i think its important to tell your dh how it has made you feel in that way. my dh was surprised at how much i worried that he would compare me to her, sexually and physically, as to him was so seperate. men! this whole experience has amazed me at how much men can sometimes need things spelling out to them. but i don't think that does any harm in making sure men know all of the effects that their affair has had, facing the consequences and all that. i think then the healing process can take place between you rather than seperately. wishing you both lots of love and cyber hugs x

overdraft · 25/07/2005 16:54

Granerybeck. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support it really has made a differnce to this whole bloody mess to have the support on here.
he told me when he was found out that he was going to stop it soon anyway and i just don't know what to belive.With the questions i was asking him earlier today about it all (and i don't know why i keep tourchering myself)that in fact he was going to end it because felt she was getting more serious and it was never his intention to leave me as he loves me.It makes me belive even more now that she left her mobile phone open on messeges on purpose.
when i text her from his phone saying come away with me after she had been caught guess what was the first thing the bitch did.call my husband.

granarybeck · 25/07/2005 18:40

i think some things you will just never know. my dh told me that he had told the woman he had been seeing that he wouldn't see her again about a month before i found out. but there were still loads of texts per day between them so i'll never know whether he would have seen her again or not. he says he definitely wasn't going to, but i always said to him that if i'd asked him two years ago would he have an affair he would have said he definitely wouldn't. but since then i've realised that he had the chance to go to her when we initially split up and he didn't. same with you, what ever has already happened, it sounds like your dh has had a reality shock and realised what he does want. she may well have been hoping you'd find out, thinking he'd then want her, but it hasn't worked. i think that that shock to the system can eventually allow you to build a stronger relationship, i'm not saying better, as i'd love to go back to a relationship with complete trust. But there's lots of things i wouldn't change back. i never realised that my marriage could be torn apart, and so i don't think i'd always valued it as much as i should, Not that i'm justifying what my dh did. hang in there, because you will get through this, and you will come out the other side a stronger person x

maturer · 26/07/2005 15:58

Hi all hope you are ok today.
Overdraft- any interest in the house yet?
K4K - sorry didn't catch up with you yesterday much. Hope you've managed to get some time together.
As you'll probably see from the threads there's another poor soul climbed onto this roller coaster! Men- they have a lot to answer for!

overdraft · 26/07/2005 23:01

hi matuer
i have had one veiwing today.i have veiwed 4 tonight with him.I hit him yesterday again in anger and screamed at him and tonight i want to make love to him.
What is the thread called you were talking about because i have just tuned in.I would like to offer support too.
i spoke to k4k yesterday and her and dh have gone away together so hope they have a little relief being away from it all.All my love od

overdraft · 28/07/2005 09:45

Hi all
i had a second viewing yesterday on the house and have two more viewings over the next couple of days.Do you know i still feel sick and can't belive this is all happening and i am now 3 weeks on.Not a simple as taking him back and working it out.We have lost our home.

I still don't know how to cope with friends that know.We have been invited out to a bbq on saturday.H is not keen on going because he feels embarresed about the whole thing.I do to but don't know whether it is better to swallow my pride and just get on with it or wait awhile???

kath4kids · 28/07/2005 15:24

Hello all, what a lovely day! Decided to come home this morning due to wonderful weather. Had a brill couple a days though. Hope you are ok. I think in terms of going out and meeting people we just have to get on with it. We have the same prob when he goes back to church. I know that most people know what has happened. But I think the sooner we do it the better and in the past i have often found that i have worried about facing situations but once i get there and do whatever it is its not nearly as bad as i have imagined.

Anyway enough waffle, got a funeral to prepare for

kath4kids · 29/07/2005 10:27

Any one about?

kath4kids · 29/07/2005 10:29

Ah well here we go again, to have hopes built up to be knocked down once again. Now saying he has no grounds for appeal as letter stated nothing new. Why does this keep happening? Had enough just want some stability back in our lives again.

Can't cope don't want to cope anymore. Just want life the way it was is that tooo much to ask

kath4kids · 29/07/2005 16:44

just handed in notice at nursery - screamed and balled to myself all the way home about the injustice of all this. What have I done, what have my kids done for this to affect all of us?

Had enough. I just want to fall apart. whats the point, it just goes from bad to worse. Every week we preach forgiveness and restoration.

PeachyClair · 29/07/2005 17:09

Hiya. All sounds horrible for you.

What's wrong with being upset and angry? You didn't cause this, you DON'T deserve it, yet you have so little control over it. Feel free to cry: it's absolutely normal.

I wouldn't worry about going back to Church though, unless your church is very unlike mine, you'll get a lot of support from them, he probably won't.

Take care

X

kath4kids · 29/07/2005 17:25

sure he will get support but not the same as me i guess.

cry i'm drowning in my tears.

Have to go watch final concert of kids camp now.

will have to start telling people what is happening. Want to shut myself off from the world. Myhead hurts, i can't breath, and we have to go face people we have worked with, ministered to, helped through situations etc etc.

How will we tellthe girls the implications of all this. Feel so afraid. No home, car, security. Or am i just being materialistic?

PeachyClair · 29/07/2005 17:27

The kids have security as long as they have you, remember that. And of course you're not being materialistic, you're being sensible, but you haven't lost those things for ever, just the time being. remember that: life moves on.

kath4kids · 29/07/2005 22:59

Life moves on but how will we get back on the property ladder? The last time we bought a house was 1990 and paid £24,000 for a three bed terrace back then that was all we could get a mortgage for so how will we now afford £200,000 for a house big enough for six of us, plus the fact that dh has no job, and tbh can't see him getting a job that will allow us back on the property ladder at all.

This hurts so much

overdraft · 30/07/2005 08:21

kath4kids

Sorry i wasn't online last night.I had dh and friends around for evening (guy next door away so he is safe to come around at the moment).
why don't you go to the council or social services they should have to rehome.You will be homeless.
Why has dh lost his job anyway.Not very christain of them is it?
I know someone who is having an affair she is seeing our father and talking about it with him.He is not incouraging it what so ever,he is trying to put her on the road off her marriage.
She is still with her dh and finding it a huge support.Now if he had turned his back on her who knows?
I thought the church was there to guide us and support.They must know you are willing to forgive and make it worl and they are putting more obstacles in the way.I can't belive it.
Can you not go and plead with them????

overdraft · 30/07/2005 08:22

is dh going for other jobs now?

overdraft · 30/07/2005 08:24

had idea
He could hold on to his outfit or whatever it is and you could start a kissagram service

overdraft · 30/07/2005 08:31

my dh as you know is living at his mothers house.Well that woman has shown her true colours.She is doing all she can to keep dh away from me and behaving like i am the one who had an affair.
We hadn't told anyone we were trying to make it work.Yesterday on the phone she implied that because dh had done this i was using him to get what i want.i simply told her that i do not have to talk about any of this with you as it is our marige.
she tried to stop him coming around here last night and even said oh thats it she snaps her fingers and you go running.
What on earth is all that about? if he was my son i would be helping him all i could to get his life on track again if that were what he wanted.What a cow.now we have this bloody to deal with too.How much more???

overdraft · 30/07/2005 08:35

oh and someone who i counted on as a friend came around the other night and tried to get me into bed after pouring me drinks all night.
Not feeling flattered about it just now don't know who to trust? bloody nightmare.have had no luck selling the house yet either

kath4kids · 30/07/2005 18:36

if only they thought about the consequences before they acted then neither of us would be i this position would we.

He has lost his job because they work to an international guideline that sexual immorality is a dismissable offence. We tried to appeal the decision but they said that the letter he wrote gave no new evidence so refused the appeal.

Yes he is looking for other jobs, but where is he going to find one that is going to pay all the bills and a mortgage, in fact where will we find a house big enough for the four of us? The council have said that they have 8,000 properties and 11,000 on the waiting list so prob not much hope there is there.

What a nightmare

overdraft · 31/07/2005 22:31

i am so sorry you are going through this.Just wish i could say something to make it all go away.

How are you and dh at the moment and are you still rebuilding your realationship

LittleBeck · 01/08/2005 20:24

Goinginsane and all you others in the same boat, I'd just like to add my hugs, really.

Goininsane, looking at the first thread that you started before you knew the extent of everything, I got a chill in my spine. I had a very similar situation with my usually incredibly attentive, faithful and loving husband, whereby he started spending loads of time with a woman who he said he felt was "on the same wavelength" as him. She was going through a really tough time and was completely not friendly to me.

We had the most awful time over it and I was never sure if I'd just been really paranoid. This thread is making me wonder...especially as it seems that it wasn't that obvious that so much was going on!

Anyway, wishing you all the best and hoping that you will work through this in whatever way is best for you.

overdraft · 01/08/2005 23:29

do you know that the affair started 14 days before i posted that first thread.Can,t belive i was almost accused of going over the top with dh friendship with another woman.I jsut knew didn't i?
we have now sold our house and have found one that we want to buy and are going to put an offer in in the morning.It is a great house too but why oh why would i ditch it all for my husband to have been faithful to me.
I am never gonna trust him 100% again and all our time together i feel has been tainted.
He still says he was just flattered.It makes ne feel sick still.Every time i pass places where i know they have met e.c.t
How the bloody hell am i ever gonna get through this.This week i have cryed more than ever and felt like ending it all on Saturday