just thew my husband out and need support please

[goinginsane]

see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=84628 sorry i an't do links.My next door nieghbour and dp have been having a sex text affair and were aranging to take it further.I have just found out tonight her husband rang me.Bloody hell what am i going to do

are you welsh too then? i dion't know a lot about you t.b.h we have more in common if you are

I don't live in wales i live in kent but both my grandparents and mum are welsh and moved here before i was born.I used to talk a little welsh when i was youngermy grandad taught me.

getting back to you though remember i am here for support.

I have told him too that i can't move forward until he gets rid of his car (which they had sex in).

Hi overdraft - sorry this is you. You sound like you are doing brilliantly - it's really early days isn't it. I think the thoughts of what they did together will eventually fade but the only thing that will help that is time. When my exp had his affair I think I realised I despised him so much by then that I wasn't too bothered what they did together as I didn't want him myself anymore. So that was lucky but to imagine anyone touching my current dp makes me feel physically ill.

I hope the Relate helps. Your dh probably feels so guilty and that he can't trust himself yet to come back and not mess up again. I'm sure he has seen the error of his ways and what he could have thrown away and that he loves you. Might take him some time to forgive himself and feel worthy of you again.

I really hope you can work it out.

Yes we are welsh, south wales originally. now up north.

Think tht listmaker is right he prob is feeling so awful about himself right now. I have seen pain in my dh face today that i don't want to see again. Think the reality has finally hit that the outcome of this may mean dismissal from his job. This will have huge implications. He feels so lousy about himself right now. He knows hes screwed up big time, and thats something he has to deal with I can't do it for him.

Decisions will be made by Fri as to whether he keeps his job or not. All we can hope is that the right decision is made. Interviews wern't as bad as i expected but in saying that seeing that in black and white that what he has done is a dismissable offence just brings it home a bit too hard really.

At least not too much longer to wait, wonderful that decisions made coincide with dd1 birthday on Fri.

Wonderful birthday pressie really Happy Birthday and by the way Dad's just been sacked, we're moving, not a clue to where and where we will live etc etc.

Right enough of my waffling now. Hope you begin to see a way forward with relate on Fri

Speak soon

oh dear i feel guilty now i have just given him some off his clothes in a black bag and rubbed chilli in the crutch of his boxers.

i hate what this is turning me into

ohhh you really got it bad haven't you. Please don't make knee jerk reactions, easier said than done though i know. Might make you feel better for a little while but it wont help in the long run.

here for a while if you want to chat.

I took a sleeping pill that the doctor gave me just before nine so it knocked me out.Early night has done me good i think.I was thinking that maaybe he could book us a weeks holiday in august abroad some where for just the two of us.He said he will get rid of his car (he loves that car),the tought of her being in it makes me sick.And i guess i want him to prove how sorry he is.
At the end of the day i have been lyed to for the last two months so am finding this very hard.

Morning Overdraft! I must admit I laughed a bit about the chilli in the boxers - would never have thought of that one!!

When my exp had his affair the sex idea was bad enough but it was the being lied to. It had been going on for 3 or 4 months and I looked back at all the times when he had let me down - to be with her obviously etc and it was a killer.

I hope you can get things sorted - let us know how you get on.

mmm know that feeling too. This affair had only been going on two or three months too and i think of the times when he said he was going somewhere and was obviously with her, and the conversations i've had with her about our sex life or arguments or his moods and all the time she was sleeping with her.

That is a killer.

I have bumped into her again and i want to strangle her to be honest.It is really beyond me how a woman can befriend another woman and children and sleep with her husband.Anoys me to that her husband still has her living there in the house next door.My husband can't even come and see me and the children because he has threatened to beat him up.I am now just without any support and she has still got it all.

Overdraft,
Just thought I'd say hi and you are doing really well. it must be so hard not being able to get away from her. When it happened to us at least we didn't live anywhere near her and i didn't know her. hav you thought about some counselling just for you? I see you have arelaye appointment for you both. we did some couples counselling but to be hinest at that point it was too soon. My Dh was still not fully facing up to what had happened and couldn't begin to say why> When we both had seperate counselling he discovered alot about himself and eventually worked out that the affair was his reaction to some difficult things happening in his work life.he for the first time felt very needy and had the need to be needed even more SHE was very needy at the time and fulfilled his inner desire to be a protector/ self worth issues etc
I found counselling a great release and used ot to answer the hundreds of questions in my head about us and whether we should move forward.
A year and a half on I'm still seeing someone a little and I still get the odd bad day but on the whole we are moving on and there are now days go by when I don't think about it!
Keep talking, you find an inner strength at times like this (esoecially as a mother I think) to do what you know is right.

Maturer
Where did you get the this from? is it N.H.S from a g.p?

I think he does need it too.I can see he is really tearing himself apart and truley can't see why he done it.

He had an attentive wife that he loves,a lovely home,caravan,3 children and a great sex life.

All he can tell me is he is 39 and had been 40 next year and was looking at what he had achived.
I am strongish and confident (or i was) and totally different to this woman.She is unatractive,no sense of fun and a constantly moaned about her life.Maybe he felt like someone needed him for a change.
The thing is he knew how much i adored him and love him but maybe he didn't feel i needed him.I think you may have a point you know and i will put this to him and see if it may ring any bells.
She told me she wanted him because he was nice to her.

Overdraft
If it's the counsellor you're referring to , no not through nhs or gp just picked up yellow pages and sorted out myself. Unfortunately it means you hav to pay privatley but from what I understand Relate also charges and my counsellor wasn't too expensive. At the time and even now I feel it is monet well spent for mine and my dh sanity and probably saved oyr famiy!
My dh was just turning 40 at the time of his affair. I know it's a cliche but i now firmly believe there's something in the old "mid life crisis" thing. the more you read and talk to others the more you realise this happens a lot to many people and of a similar age!
Can I recommend some self help..which you could get from any good book shop abook I read and my dh also found good too "After The Affair" by Mary Cole (I think that was the authors name- ended up giving mine to someone else for help!)
My dh upto the time of the affair had been a famtastic husband, dad to 3 kids , friend lover etc He definately thinks now it was to do with work (redundancy) and the need to be needed- I need him but at the time aws well involved in my own career and the kids and he kind of felt he couldn't show me his neediness. She was in an unhappy relationship and they became friends at work and little by little it developed. I also discovered how emotionally different a lot if men are from women- he was able to hav two lives going on and close his mind to the other whilst with one person (and vise versa)he literally "put a lid on the box" with him and her and did the same with me and kids when he was with her!
He now knows how to open the lid and look inside- he doesn't like to because he's ashamed of what happened but for us to heal he had to and still once in a while has to look with me at what happened. Your DH os probably doing exactly that. Can't won't talk because scared of what he finds out about himself!

Hope you don't mind me butting in but relate are in the yelow pages and they ask for a donation at the time me and dh went we paid only £10 although wished we could pay more as they were brilliant. I would definately give them a ring you get through to the national line who then gets the nearest one to ring you and sends out information.

We also went to a private marriage counsellor and were paying £40 per session unrealistic for us at the time so got in touch with relate.

In the front of the yellow pages is all the phone numbers for the various (can't think of word) its were professionals have to register to prove they are legitimate pretty much like plumbers and electricians.....anyway theres two that represent counsellors....if you ring them you can get a list of all the registered and approved counsellors near to you and there prices.

Overdraft
Just checked the Authors name on Google The book is "After The Affair" by Julia Cole. It helped me loads in the early days and my dh!

the relate
late is giing to cost us £35 a sssion.Skleeping ppills ahve just hit me better say good night and gi=odbless us all

will lokk for this book and give it a go.thanks

night!

Feeling needed by both parties was definatly the thing that features strongly here too. He didn't think i loved him and she has been in a dead marriage for years. So when all three of us were suffering with depression and she was a shoulder to cry on they found comfort in each other.

He also was able to separate the two completely. Not a clue how men do this but sometimes wish i had the knack of being able to escape and not think about the consequences.

At the moment thinking of killing her, or maybe not but telling her family what she has done. Her life carries on as normal and that is unbearable.

He has lost his job

We are going to have to move after only moving house in Sept to the first place that has felt like home in the last three years.

We are going to have to tell the girls now. They especially dd2 are going to be devestated. Really i need to tell them before school but cant as its dd1 birthday today. But this is the last day of dd2 intense welsh course at her new high school. To think that she won't be going there in Sept breaks my heart. Goodness knows what its going to do to her, i just hope they are strong enough to survive this. dd1 has had 5 schools already and we have moved 6 times in 9 years.

dh is devasted at the news and is thinking of appealing but don't know we can put ourselves through having to go through all this again.

Can't sleep did get a few restless hours earlier am really tired but guess what can't go to sleep.

Really sorry overdraft i'm kina highjacking your thread so i'll give up now.

your not hyjacking this thread at all don't think that way please.I am here to try to support you too.

Look on this move as a positive thing. all the time she is there it is a constant reminder of what has been going on and that is not easy.

As a child from a broken home i would still move and your daughter will learn to live with it, she has to.How old is she? mature enough to know the truth.Children think the world revolves around them she may be angry when it happenen and in time she will come to terms with it.Don't feel guilty.
You have to think of yourself and dh now you are both now good to here not together if that is what you want.I come from a broken home to and i was 13 and about to take my exams at school.I would have gone mad if they had uprooted me to but i would have understood in the end.If it is to save you going through this tormoil.
I truley belive that everthing happens for a reason if you know what i mean and him losing his job may be a blessing and a sign that this is the way forward now.
Saying that when thwe removal van is about to pull off i would be around there like a shot and tell her family everything.Why should she get away scott free.Yes she was in a dead realationship but it is no right to take someone elses.

Srewballmuppett goodmorning to you.I had an early night.Thankyou for thinking of me xxxxxx

went to relate today and then out to lunch with him.It went well but i just don't know.Then came home and saw her again and then rang him up and screamed at him again.This is a living nightmare.The lunch was the first meal i had had since last tuesday and i was sick twice tonight.one of the rabits died today to to add to the blows i had to give to the children.I am going on a girls night out tomorrow so hope it cheers me up.I am so low at the moment.

how are you today kath4kids how did dd birthday go?