just thew my husband out and need support please

[goinginsane]

see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=84628 sorry i an't do links.My next door nieghbour and dp have been having a sex text affair and were aranging to take it further.I have just found out tonight her husband rang me.Bloody hell what am i going to do

Oh, meant to say
the "is it all a lie thing" very normal, after all he has lied and decieved you for quite some time- the very person in the world who should never be able to do that to you. It's kind of paranoia but it's really a natural reaction to dealing with broken trust- so easily given , so difficult to regain. I even had a crazy dream the other night that my dh had a secret mobile phone that he used just to keep in touch with her- woke up and started thinking- could be true!Buti KNOW it's just the aftermath of broken trust.

Looks like we can all have a bad day together then. Went to turn computer off last night and found his old user name logged into aol, started thinking he'd been talking to her, also tht she drove past the house earlier in the day. But i think it is because when dd2 logs onto to her settings on computer it comes up with his old aol chat thing.

Hey this roller coaster certainly is one full of ups and downs isnt it. I think i have been hurt more by seeing him upset and down than myself.

overdraft maybe you need to spend some more time with him then u can let all your feelings out and be yourself with him. By that i don't think it does them any harm to see that you are on a roller coaster, and that sometimes you are betterthan others.

Maturer sorry your having such a bad day. Let it all out you will feel better for it. Wish i was there as a shoulder to cry on for you.

Take care both

K4K
Thanks for your words of comfort.
I did just that, let it all out had a huge cry, felt drained (as I for once had the luxury of time to myself) I went back to bed , fell asleep for an hour or so and feel much better and ready to face world again.
I know - from the last year or so- that this is a process I'm going through. I now know to try and give myself space to let it happen then I move on just that little bit more each time!
Thanks again , hope your day gets a bit better.

boss is on her way out to tell us whether his dismissal has had rubber stamp from top boss or whether its been overturned.

only just read both your post.

Kath4kids
How did you get on today and how are you feeling now?

Maturer
You poor love i hope you are feeling better now and glad you are finding comfort from the support you are getting here.
I think that both of you are amazing.You are still going through the emotions and you have still found it in your hearts to give each other and me support.I hope these men now know how lucky they are.I wish we could be together and go out for a drink and hug each other.I pretend to be so strong all the time and am crying now.I dont know why i feel so close to you both and can be honest.XXXXXXXXXXX

my children broke up from school today and i don't know how i am gonna get through the summer holidays with a house on the market and all this to cope with.

Hi all, how's everyone?
K4K- hope the news is positive? If not, there may be positives that eventually come out of the changes in your life (hard to see at the moment I'm sure but each day at a time)The worst thing is that it affects you and the kids so much and for something you had no say in, no knowledge of- how dare he "play" with your lives! I remember feeling exactly that- my dh@s affair didn't have such a direct effect on his work situation but it did impact on his performance at work and his attitude at work which lead to several quick changes- I remember being so angry over again (as this was afew months after) even saying something like "I hope she was worth it- 'cos she's cost you your job and our financial security" and i had no say in any of that.
However things happen for a reason and we are fine now with lots of changes that meant we had to examine lots of parts of our lives that we may not have looked at.
Overdraft-the kids will help you get through the days- the mother in you takes over- it does mean you put you at the end of the emptional queue and every monent you get alone you use up with your emotions. In the early days I recall goingto the bathroom to cry so the kids didn't see, or in the car when I was going somewhere.
It would be great if we could all get a bottle of wine and share the hurt! However from what I think I recall, one of us is in Wales, one in Kent and I'm in the north of England- so a bit far for a night in!!!
I felt I could be honest on here and still do- especially as there were people taking the time to tell me their experiences and how they survived. you go through days when you think your going crazy- it helps to know you are normal in the circumstances and although no one has exactly the same tale to tell we all have certain things in common- being lied to, deceived, trust having been broken and trying to deal with how/if to move on in the relationship.
Take care both of you- I'm out tonight with my local girlfriends- anight in at someones house they were great at the time but I felt there is only so much you can"dump" on your friends. Someone who's been/' going through the same thing can take more and I think wants to share.
Speak later.

morning both. Well the news was as we expected he has been dismissed with option to resign.

I am so angry, couldn't even bring myself to speak to him yesterday and feel about the same today.

How dare he affect our lives. What right did he have. Surely he thought of the consequences of his actions especially being in the postion that he was.

If we stay then how does he face the community in which he was once a leader, how do i do a job we were struggling to do between us when he will now have to find a job and be out of the house 39 hours a week.

If we move, or i resign where will we live? How will we get on the property ladder? Where will he get a job that pays enough.

This is a nightmare and i think i want to die. I can feel myself slipping into a state of depression. Was already on the prozac before all this happened so now where am i supposed to go from here.

bloody hell please don't do anything silly.Your dh has already done that.Your children need you to be strong and they will help you too.

Kath
I am here for you to chat to any time it's just we never seem to be on here at the same time.I just don't know what to say.
From what i have come to understand is that sex is a very powerful thing and when he started the affair and was doing it he was not thinking about how he was playing with your lives and t.b.h and i know it is harsh but he wasn't thinking about you at all he was thinking about what he was getting with this other woman (not to say that he didn't love because that much is obvious too)
Here i am saying that and i do belive it is so true but i am struggling to come to terms with it too.How dare he not think about you and what it will do to you all.
Can you try to stay positive love.
Hope i have made sense and not made it worse for you because that is the last thing i want to do.

Hi all,
So sorry K4K it went the way it did- it's so unfair on you! Right, you are NOt going to die, you are NOT giving up- you are strong and better than this and you will come out the other end in time a stronger better person!
You have 4 beautiful children, good fiends and family, lots of inner talents which mean you will not go hungry or without a home! You have your dh(i know you might not want him at the moment) but think about all that has gone before now and how you and he made this life you have together. Look around - most people never get anywhere near the type of relationship you've had in your marriage and despite ALL that's just happened that sort of love can't be easily thrown away (your dh has damaged you badly but not beyond repair!)
Please believe me it will get better, you are in charge for a while now, you call the shots you get from this what you want!
Your dh has done just what mine did- something unthinkable, unforgiveable- men are basically selfish creatures if the circumstances allow. they also have the ability to switch offf from reality! I couldn't get my head round how my DH could come to be intimate with someone else without the thought of us stopping him ( i know if i touched another man in that way the guilt, the painI'd cause to my dh would- i hope- stop me , bring me to my senses!)but i've learned that even the best men dettach their emotions under certain life senarios, Overdraft is right- an affair is a powerful thing it takes over the emotions and gives a huge boost to the male ego! your dh will not have thought of you or the consiquences of what he was doing- at that stage he wasn't in the real worlf, just the fantasy/ escapism of an affair- wrong entirely but that seems to be how it happens.
Please keep talking to us- hace you some close girlfriends nearby you can confide in? family? you need to look after yourself now more than ever.Time will heal, things will start to make sense agin soon. Tkae care- talk any time.

how are you k4k i have been thinking of you all day ?

Hi all,
Overdraft you ok?
K4K talk to us.......... we're worried!

elo i'm alright

Just trying to sort everyone out. Babies going home with my mum tomorrow, eldest two going to camp.

just realised if he out of work then childcare ceases to be paid by tax credits - so finally this affects everyone of us.

we really ought to arrange a time to all be online - anyone got msn or aol messenger?

It just gets worse i wish someone would make up their minds. They now saying i have to apply to stay in job and that may not be as straight forward as it should bec i have 4 children - two babies.

Don't know if i can go through process to be rejected. I'm so scared. If i resign or if they turn me down we are homeless, jobless and car less.

What am i going to do, this is so unfair. I need to be telling the girls something and getting a bit of stability into where we going, what we doing etc.

We were going to go away this week but i guess we need to be saving every penny thats available.

This is awful

Hi,
K4K why is your job at risk? you haven't been involved in any misconduct! I feel an unfair dsmissal claims coming on here? What does your contract say about dismissal etc? no matter what the organisation, these days you can't just take some ones job away from them (depending on the circumstances)your busband's situation given the nature of his job could probably be construed as gross misconduct ( tough i think that is still a bit questionable work/ personal life sepaerate issues!) however not so for you. how long have you been doing the job? If it's over a year you have employment rights!
Sorry i don't have aol or msn I'm hooked up to yahoo messemger but could probabliy easily download msn

hi all

k4k if you loose your home can you not go to the council and declare yourself homeless.They should have to rehome you.I really do feel for you.How are you getting on with dh at moment are you supporting each other?

i want to kill him. Been to council they have 8,000 homes and 11,000 on waiting list.

As for job technically we're not employed, no contract, we sign a covenant as do most ministers i think. we recieve an allowance - not a salary.

I don't know how they work said i would have to apply for single spouse appointment but not automatic that i will get it. i jusyt sense they going to make it really difficult for me to continue. Talk about duty of care!

Hi K4K - what a hard time you are going through. I read your last thread with amazement but didn't really know what to post. I cannot believe that the church (is that where you work?) would basically make a family homeless for the mistake of one member. Talk about forgiveness and open hearts! Shocking.

I agree with starrynight- churches/communities are supposed to advocate compassion and forgiveness and recognise the humanness of us all!
Your dh made a huge mistake- but if the "scandal" is too geat for the church to deal with and their way of showing this is to "get rid" of the problem and all that goes with it ie you and your family then they are worse than your dh for their hypocracy!!!!!!!!!
Legally speaking I think you'd find a court would view a covenant to work as a contract- however fighting your point might be toomuch to bare at this moment.
K4K if you'd like to try msn I've now got it but I tried the "contact another member" which said you have blocked emails to your address from MN. If you want to contact me via the same link at the top. Take care honey.

Tried to contact you maturer but you are also blocked to recieve emails. I have unblocked now.

Sorry K4K didn't think I was but obviously am- may be to do with computer crash a few weeks ago and re loading Everything!
never mind I'l try you first.

these computers brill while they work

K4K how do you unblock?- obviously too much technology for me tonight downloading MSN!

go to talk then it should show your preferences click on the bottom one and then click the box at the bottom