just thew my husband out and need support please

[goinginsane]

see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=84628 sorry i an't do links.My next door nieghbour and dp have been having a sex text affair and were aranging to take it further.I have just found out tonight her husband rang me.Bloody hell what am i going to do

i am putting my house on the market tomorrow too.Bloody hell

i am scared stiff

good night all

Hello overdraft. Birthday went fine. Have yet to drop the bombshell on them and keep finding excuses as to why not to do it.

Hope you will be able to spend some more time with your husband and try to sort things out.

Not had chance to get on much trying to sort stuff out to send dh on a car boot tomorrow (he hates them) just punishment i feel.

Hopefull he will make us some pennies.

hi
How are you today? How did boot fair go ?

I went out last night with 3 friends and had a really great time.We meet a group of scottish fellas and had a good laugh.one of them wanted me to go back to his or mine (of course I didn't go through with it)but it felt good to know that i am still desirable at least and it gave me a great boost.3 men in total were interested in me last night.First time i have woke up with a smile on my face for two weeks.Not going to sleep around though and don't think that will solve anything.
One of the guys we meet had already met a girl and had brought her with him and was sitting there towards the end of the evening and looked at me and said "do you know your the best one out of the bunch" .I don't know why he felt he needed to say it or i needed to hear it but it spooked me.
Last night done me the world of good but i am still confused,angry and feeling lots of emotions in one.

Sorry i do waffle.How soon have you got to move Kath?

Hello, car boot went really well made £83 so pretty good morning really. Baby didn't sleep well last night, so we all really tired today.

Don't know when we will have to move or to where.

Told the girls today what has happened. Eldest one said I thought something like that was going on bec she was always here when you weren't and went not long after you got here. Also her friend said she thought something was going on coz of the way she looked at him.

So obviously very perceptive. dd2 said but i still love you Dad. So not as bad as i thought really.

Glad you had a good time out last night. Nice feeling isn't it to wake up with a smile instead of a frown.

hi overdraft. just wanted to let you know that things do get easier. i went through what you are going through just over a year ago. dh had an affair, similar reasons: didn't know what he wanted, felt flattered, was feeling quite down about himself, and it was offered on a plate. I was overwhelmed by how much it affected me when i found out and just how awful i felt. i lost half a stone in the two days after i found out. i couldn't eat, sleep or stop shaking. i really felt like i'd been thrown in the air, come down and landed in another world. and i felt so cross that my dh had thrown/given away what we had, and everything my life was built on. But, sorry there is a point to what i'm waffling about, we are still now together. I made him leave at first, but after a huge amount of talking, in a way we never had, but i hadn't realised we hadn't, he came back. it has still been a very uphill struggle. but the days of literally not thinking about anything else did go, and we did start to spend time as a family and as a couple and feel happy again. i don't think the hurt ever completely goes away, sometimes something will still hit me and i'll just sit and cry and feel it all again. but i think it has slowly been outweighed by having a new relationship with my dh. not the same one, the complete trust will never come back, but in so many other ways we are stronger, as a couple and as parents. i would never wish what you are going through on anyone, there were times when i didn't think i could survive it, but i just wanted you to know that there can be light at the end of the tunnel and its worth really thinking about whether you want to give up on the years of being together you and your dh have had. i got some invaluable support from mumsnetters when this happened to me, so keep talking. lots of love, gb

Thanks GB
you have just explained what i am feeling right now in a nutshell.I go though the emotions of dissapointment,anger,love,and anger again.Two weeks on and i feel like i am gonna wake up from this bad dream.I really just don't know whether i want to make it work and i have got to be sure i want to take him back for the right reasons and because i want it and not for anyone else not even the children.
i just wish i could turn the clock back.

glad you have worked it out

overdraft, i still sometimes feel that i wish i could turn back the clock. for so long i just felt like i desperately wanted my old life back, i do still miss it, looking back life seemed so simple.

i think it is an impossibly hard decision of whether to give someone another chance. in the end i carried on with my dh almost because i couldn't make the decision to completely give up on us and think of a future completely seperately. i think i still for a long time though hadn't actually decided in my mind what i wanted. i think i let him come back initially because of the children, which perhaps was the wrong thing to do as i hadn't yet made my mind up completely and it would have then been so hard to make him leave again. but maybe that's made us sort it out. i think all you can do is what feels right for you, not what you may think you should do, or what other people tell you to do. for me, though i'm glad me and my dh stayed very much in contact whilst apart and did a lot of talking still. i don't know whether we could have healed the huge rift other wise. i think what made me realise i had to give it a try was that even though i was so, so angry with him, underneath he still felt like my best friend, i just hated him and what he'd done at that time. i think its that its always been him i'd talked to when anything bad happened and in some ways this was no different. Except i often screamed and yelled rather than talked!

Hi overdraft (and hi granerybeck- good to hear you're still doing well!)
Just want to add my support to what GB said. When she was going through her darkest time I was just a few weeks ahead in a very similar situation. I found MN in that time and GB and I kind of- (like you and K4K)helped each other along. It was a huge comfort to speak with someone else who was experiencing the complete rollercoaster of emotions (sometimes all within the space of an hour- love to hate and all inbetween)
My dh and I are still together and yes I agree there are still times nearly a year and a half on where something hits me and I cry like it just happened yesterday (I guess a broken heart does not heal quickly!). Not that I would wish this situation on anyone BUT like GB says it can get better, you do eventually get some normality back in your lives and I do feel our relationship is closer and stronger because of the complete honest talking we both had to do to start the healing. However it is upto you if you want to put that huge effort in to moving forward and of course your DH has an even greater task ahead to try and rebuild some trust and try and explain why/how etc?
My dh took a few months to completely get his head round what had happened then suddenly, as if a switch had gone back on he"came back to me" ie realised just how much he had risked for "so little" and then was incredably guilty about the pain he'd caused to all parties (the ripple of an affair goes wide- family, friends even HER and her family) Please give yourself space to think and grieve and heal. Above all the subject of his affair must not be a taboo subject (certainly not yet) you will be wanting to get all the details out and look at them and then not want to think about them and then do it over and over again. He (if he wants to make this right) has to help you do that. Take it a day at a time, honey- from what you've said so far, you are strong, stronger than you realise IF you want to move on in your marriage you'll get there- slowly!

just found out that he is at the pub tonight with his boss and have sent him a nasty text saying Glad you are enjoying yourself because i am stuck in this living hell you have made for me.
How dare he bloody start going out drinking.His boss has been trying to talk him out of getting rid of the car they had sex in.If he wont get rid of it i wont even be taklking to him again.
I am in a hate him mood now and feeling overwhelmed by all this and want to kill him.(not for real if police are reading this you understand)just feel like it.
I have to see the woman he slept with 3 times a day and is tearing me apart.
I feel so desperate at the moment and don't think i can cope anymore

taken a sleeping tablet now because i just dont want to be awake and think about all this any more,It is doing my head in.Love too you all

yes you can cope but only with tiny tiny steps, and sometimes it feels like your taking one forward and three back, but you can do this. Whether you decided to take him back or not.

The roller coaster of emotions is normal (whatever normal is now) Sometimes i think i'm gonna wake up and this will have happened to someone else.

I know you feel like he shouldn't be enjoying himself anymore, if he goes out then that must mean that he doesnt care about what he's done.

Hope you sleep well.

sometimes wish i could take a sleeping tablet but dh would never hear the babies. Don't know if i would feel absolutly stewed the next day.

Can't imagine what it feels like to have to see her day after day, at least i only get a glimpse of her now and again usually going in the opposite direction in the car. then i worry whether she will go to our house seeing i'm going out.

I want to go see her and tell her how much she has destroyed my life.

Also now that we have told the girls she needs to have the opportunity to tell her son coz i wouldnt want him hearing it off anyone else.

Then again she is so selfish she prob wouldn't care

I would go around there and act very superior and say that you have done me a big favour love.My husband is truly sorry for what he has done to me and can't imagine what he was even thinking when he has the love of a wonderful,sexy,attractive woman anyway.He never loved you and loves me very much.This has made our maraige stronger than it ever was and we are extremly happy together with our family.To you i say thank you becausewe are now 100% happy. We have told our children and some of there friends know too,so if you have any love for anyone else but yourself you need to tell him before someone else . That to me would feel so much better than screaming at her and letting her know she has hurt you.If i lived near you i would go with you love.

Overdraft,
Hi hope you are feeling ok today.
I suggest you do exactly that- go see her like you said.
I met HER a couple of times and even though I had anger inside me I was calm and honest and she quite frankly didn't know what to say. I told her just how it was for me and my dh and that I know he'd got lost for a short time but that when you have the kind of love we had and one of you "falls" you ppick them up and you become closer and stronger together! I know that had far more effect than any shouting or harsh words as I had what she wanted, and at the end of the day he was still with me and would be for many years to come.
Just a thought that helped me on the "sex" thing, a thought raised in my counselling. I know my dh was unfaithful to me- for a few months out of some 20 odd years of our relationship. However all through the "affair" we were still close and intimate andas great together as ever (part of the reason why I had no idea!)So he may have been unfaithful to me for a short time BUT he was NEVER faithful to HER! It helped me..........hope it does you.

hang on in there kath4kids she hasn't destroyed your life don't let the cow do that too.

Maturer
The thing you said about the sex is great.It has made me feel a bit different.She knew we were still having sex and she was still having sex with her dh.
Still don't know wheter i want him back though.I am going out tonight with him for a drink and don't know how i will behave t.b.h.

She drove past our house today just as we were pulling on the drive. She has no reason to drive up our street. That has made me so angry. Apparantly she has had the im screen that says hi from one of the girls on her screen she sits in front of the computer every eve hoping against hope that he will contact her.

I want to go up there and be calm, but i also want to tell her what a sad life she has.

I agree on the sex thing too, my dh was also still having sex with me when he was with her too, we had many conversations about our sex life and her lack of it which really hurts coz she knew she was getting it with my dh.

I didn't know how i would feel when i had sex with him again but it was alright. We did it very quickly after i found out and i was glad. I think for me i needed him to prove that he still loved me and still wanted me.

Hope you have a good evening this evening, and if he wants u he is going to have to put up with questions, questions, questions.

i am dreading this evening i just don't know how i am gonna feel.I think it will be hard for me to have sex with him again.The touhgt of him with her makes me cringe.He told the woman at relate he thought that sex with me was better anyway so he still dosen't know why he done it.

Kath4kids
That must have been awful seeing her and knowing she still wants him.She may just be driving past so she can see how much trouble she has caused.do you feel like you can't be to hard on him incase he runs to her or are you confident that he won't now whatever.
She sounds sad and pathetic

Overdraft,
Thinking of you this eve. hope it goes ok. Be yourself, be honest, don't spare him your pain he needs to see and feel it to understand just what he's done.Part of the thing about affairs is the fanasty of it- the detachment from reality. that's why in the majority of cases they don't last because they can't survive the real world. the relationship is so false and unreal that despite all the things they may have said or done it simply was escapism ( and not necessarily escape from the relationship they are in, sometimes an escape from the person within!)What you and your dh have is very real you just need to remind him that so don't spare your pain for him! Take care.
Kath4kids- thinking of you too, 1 day at a time you will get there.

we spent the evening together last night talking firstly.I don't know what to think now he was the one who spent the evening in tears and looking confused and so hurt and depressed.
He still can't tell me why he done it he says he just dosen't know apart from he felt flattered that someboby else fancied him (even though she is an unattractive woman).I have never seen him so down.
We did end up having sex twice on my terms.Then i told him that it didn't mean that i want him back.I think i wanted to know if i still could for some reason (haven't had sex for 3 weeks either}.
Do i want him back ? i just don't know.My mind kept thinking what if what he is telling me is just a lie too.

Overdraft
Your on a rollercoaster and I'm afraid it keeps going for a long time! It does eventually slow down and you start to seewhat you really want.
I feel can't give any words of wisdom as today I'm having a bad day. Don't really know where it came from except a combination of PMT and stopping work for the summer, having a couple of days to myself before the kids are off. I think i've subconsciously said to myself - ok you don't have to hold it together you have some space let it out! and therefore today is one of those days when I feel like it just happened yesterday and can't stop crying!
The only thing i can say is thesed days were every day at first now they are very rare.
Take care honey.