just thew my husband out and need support please

[goinginsane]

see this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=84628 sorry i an't do links.My next door nieghbour and dp have been having a sex text affair and were aranging to take it further.I have just found out tonight her husband rang me.Bloody hell what am i going to do

hi i am still here and have had a constant stream of people calling to see if i am o.k
next door has just told his children what a slapper she is and has been sleeping with my h.I don't want to run h down to the children so what now what do i tell them.what if the children talk before i tell them WHAT

gosh,its going to be a bit difficult what with them being your neighbours isnt it?dont know if you've talked to your husband about what he was hoping to get from doing what he did,or what the future holds for you both,think you need to sit down the two of you and try to sort out what to tell the children before a different version gets to them first,got no real advice just to say i hope you manage to sort it all out,myself personally i wouldnt give him a second chance but that is me,do you think you could give him another chance?hope u get it sorted anyway,just wanted to respond so you dont feel theres no one out there at the mo...

I really don't know i love him,we have great sex,he is good to me and gives me all i could ask for i just don't know.I know that she has even been sniffing aorund him today i don't think she wants just a fling t.b.h

r u in love with him,or just love him?

sorry i have been to upset to even post.do i love him?
I look forward to him coming home from work
i want to be with him lots
I want to have sex with him all the time
I think about him when he is not there
I don't know now do i or not

i feel so alone

GIS - I'd say you love him! Does that make things any clearer though? He must be such a fool to do such a thing to jeopardise a relationship like you two seem to have. What is he on?! I just don't understand men - are they really willing to risk everything for a bit of flattery and ego-boosting?? Crazy!

Have you actually talked to him properly yet? What does he want out of all this and what do you want? Could you forgive him if he was truly sorry and willing to put everything into giving it another go?

Have you said anything to your children? I guess there's a risk they may hear something living next door etc. It might be best to tell them something as it'd be better coming from you. Just that you and dad have some things to sort out - avoid mentioning the neighbour if poss? I don't know - poor you - my heart goes out to you.

Keep posting and talking.

her husband told his children every thing which was wrong i know.Then my children went and played out in the garden and were talking to hers over the fence so i had to tell them that mummy is cross with daddy because he made a promise to me that he would never kiss and cuddle another woman and he has.I told them that daddy still loves them and it wont ever change

all of my friends have thought that i had been winding them up they just can't belive it.It is so not like him.I still keep thinking i am gonne wake up in a minute

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
Just read this. God you poor thing!!!
You've been a star throughout this whole mess. x

Sounds to me like she was the one pusuing him though. I know he should have resisted but it's hard when someone is wanting you so badly etc.

Where is your dh staying? Have you talked to him at all?

he is a good bloke who dosen't like upsetting anyone or saying no.but bloody hell i though he would draw the line at that.She had been in my home telling both of us what a hard time she has been having with her husband and we had both been a shoulder to cry on

What a complete and utter bitch. I really feel for you, it must be sooo hard. I hate the woman and I don't know who she is, how must it be for you? I wouldn't mind giving her a left hook myself. And as for your DH - whyyyyyyyyy do they do it when they love you? So dumb. I really hope things look up for you both soon XXX

thanks for posting i spoke to him for hours last night on the phone and he told me he wasn't feeling very good about his self before hand he had been reflecting on his life and diddn't know what he wanted.She handed it on a plate.we never stopped having sex and i am a very affectionate person.This didn't stop him though.

I have found out now that it all started when we went around there for her dh 40th birthday party.she was hanging around him the night and it got to 1 am and i took the children home to bed.she had been following him around all night trying to get us both drunk.After i left she asked her to help him move some things in to the garage and that is when in first started.they have gone all the way and had sex even waiting until i was asleep and her husband was out.he would go around there.they had been at it in woods e.c.t. she was texting him at work all the time and he texting her

You poor thing. This sounds so familiar. We are only 2, 3 weeks on. my husband says didnt feel brill about himself either and didn't know what he wanted.

They too were texting each other and meeting up, usually when i was working. She too was our next door neighbour until we moved house in Sept and she started being in our house more and more, and stupid me thought she was infatuated with me and the kids but it wasn't. He said he loved her but i think it was just an escapism where he could forget his responsibilities at home and work.

Now i have no doubt that he wants me and the kids. but if your going to get through this your going to have to talk, talk, talk.

Get some counselling, for you and for both of you.

It's not just us it effects is it. its family, friends, colleagues.

Wish i could give you big hugs. But only you can decide whether you want him or not, but for me i can't throw away 14 years of marriage without a fight, and if i'm honest there have always been things that we need to work on in our marriage.

All the best and keep talking mumsnet has been a godsend to me over the last few weeks

i remember reading your post and felt for you then.I was feeling it was happening then to me.this woman was always at the window and when we were together she was always watching me like you say i felt she was very jealous of me and i never rubed her nose in what we had.We have more money than them,i am outgoing,lots of friends and i could see she wanted to be like me.I just felt yes i know this but i feel sick that this woman has had him.She could of had my bloody new kitchen,car but not him

he said he didn't know what he wanted before the affair began but now says he loves me and never stopped but it is not worth asking me for forgiveness because he knows i won't take him back.My vowels were for life and i feel angry that 18 years together has been taken away by thsi woman and his stupidity

((((((hugs))))))))
18 years together. You deserve better! Do your children know? if so how are they taking it?

Only you can make a decision of whether you want him back. At the moment you are angry, and have every right to be. Betrayl, anger, sadness, disbelief (that this could happen to you, and that he could do this to you) are all normal. 18 years is a long time together. Don't throw in the towel until you do some counselling together.

In my case I was one of only two friends that she had. Before she knew me she used to sit in her bedroom all night waiting for her friend to log on to aol so they could chat. She had led a separate life to her husband for donkeys years and don't think they've even had a conversation in months.

i have only lost one friend and she has lost half of her friends.

But in situations like this no one wins, everyone is hurt and i guess your husband right now finds it difficult to put into words why he did it and just what he is feeling, and i know its nothing to what you are going through, you have to remember he's further down the line than you. This is all new to you but to him he has lived with it for however long it has been going on.

Don't give up. What you had is much more and more real than what he had with her.

thanks.husbandhavinganaffair.
thanks for your advice it means so much that you are taking the time to post when this is still raw for you too. I am a regular mumsnetter and i did post on your thread.

I have mixed emotions.I love him so so much and a feel sick and voilated all at the same time.I am in total shock.

anyone else worked it out and can give me some advice ?

I think feeling sick and violated is normal. Every time i think of her and him together it makes me feel sick.

I feel like he was making love to me as a token jesture. I can't ever imagine sleeping with anyone else apart from him, and feel like he's taken something special away from us, so i guess all these feelings are just part of the course that we have to go through.

goinginsane (and HHA-hi by the way glad to hear from you again)
If you look at HHA's thread ( dh having affair) you'll see i've contributed to that quite a lot in last few weeks and do so because I am about a uear and a half on from where you are nwo. Lots of similaritiies lots of differences. SHE wasn't a neighbour or even anyone I knew- a colleague from dh's work - all the cliches, affair with the boss, afternoons in hotels etc Very similar, wss that we had behind us some 16 years of a great marriage and 19 or 20 years of a relationship- there was never anyone else. I won't repeat lots of detail as most on HHa thread but for me at the time I didn't throw him out as I felt for the first time in all the years we'd been together we were in crisis and truely needed each other.I could see my dh was in absolute termoil but i was so shocked and devistated by what he told me- still sometimes even now find it hard to believe. As HHA says talk, talk, talk IF YOU feel you want to go on in your marriage. we found after counselling that his affair wasn't actually much to do with our relationship , rather problems he was facing in himself. I didp- later on almost throw him out especially when I found out he was still seeing her "as a friend" it certainly took him far too long to realise that any contact with her was a block to our trust and any possibilitry of healing. we both kind of went on a journey of discovery about ourselves. we are stronger and closer now and I can say have come out of it better people but i totally know (and still have days where I revisist) the feelings of disbelief, extreme sadness, feeling sick to the stomach by the thought of them together. (It was the same for us our sex life was still great whilst all this was going on)It is like a grieving process, for the specialness you had which your dh has thrown away without even consulting you. The lies , deceipt, complete "who is this man" feeling are so strong for you now. time is a great healer but only if he is prepared to be totally honest with you and for that matter you with him about the pain you are feeling. You are probably feeling what I canonly describe as "the soap opera feeling" ie. as if this traumatic story line is going on but it's in your life and in the ,iddle of it all you still stop to feed the kids do the washing etc wierd feellings and every moment you truely get to yourself is consumed by thoughts of this affair and you cry and cry. It does get better but not quickly. Please hang in there, look after yourself give yourself room to feel and cry and grieve. i would strongly recommend if you can see a counsellor just for you- it keeps you sane. later IF you want you can both do some together but you are most important now. take care, thinking of you.

i said i would take the kids to see him today.i am still in shock.I spoke to him on the phone yesterday an dasked him again why he done it.he just can't tell me.Says i just dont know.
He was having lots of sex at home,yes we bickered sometimes but i thought every one did that. he lost weight as this was happening too.