Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

HW- are you sure that infidelity has a shelf life re.divorce?
I thought the 6 month rule applied only to unreasonable behaviour?

Employing a PI would be a very expensive course of action, probably beyond what most people can afford, so would probably not be viable here. Yes, if you live together for 6 months after adultery you cannot rely on it in divorce proceedings, but the bottom line is that once the situation has got that far a petition on behaviour would almost certainly not be contested. Personally I felt the wandering off at the New Year party was more damning than anything else so far mentioned.

Yeah, I agree. Why would he be wandering down the road in the middle of a party?

And if DH and I used condoms, as a couple, the pack would go in the (communal) washbag if we went away, not his pocket.

Sorry.

was the errant toiletry gift puzzle ever solved ?

OP, did you even ask him what happened to it?

I also agree with VCAU, if my DH was wandering outside at a party with his phone I would want to know who he was texting/talking to (with this bloke's history)

I think he was contacting another woman...why go off on your own if not ?

Bit of a generalisation here but I speak from experience, I saw an awful lot of cheating when we were living on base. Most wives who witnessed it were told to keep out of it and not to say anything.

It was awful especially when you witnessed it yourself as I did.

I also have a colleague who worked on a local army base and she got roped into smuggling girls out of the base on a Fri morn before the wives arrived for the weekend.

Not saying your is but just be careful chick.

Can you afford a PI or is there someone who knows him that would be honest with you? all the things you have said sound dodgy.

We are living in the modern world, darlings, and not the 1950s. Hiring a PI not evidence to prove a divorce case - only to save stress in looking for "evidence" everywhere around.

www.terry.co.uk/divorce.html

Mumsnet isn't Now Magazine or Comment is Free - the peace of mind of guttedandworried and their kids is at stake. None of us is entitled to give advice. Poster, I suggested a PI rather than driving yourself nuts looking for evidence in everything, and freaking out DH with a dossier.

Well its all gone tits up here!

I lost it yesterday and I mean really lost it.

Started as a minor row over when to take the Xms decs down and ended up with me in tears, slapping him and screaming at him like a mad woman. I told him i "knew" he was fucking some munter behind my back - which he promptly denied.

I hadn't intended to say anything and now I feel like I have "blown it". He swore blind nowt was going on. Condoms were for us apparently!!

I never mentioned the other gift set though for some reason.

I did however demand he take me to his work and let me go through his locker. He made a pathetic big deal over it. Loads of crap being spouted like "I am NOT going into work on my day off" etc etc. I told him that today (yesterday) was THE day he could proove to me there was sod all he had to hide by taking me there to search through it. I pointed out that it was only now he could do this - any other day would mean he may have popped into work and moved anything incriminating. HE refused. I would like to point out that there is no security reason why if I am with my husband I cannot go to where his locker is - I just cannot get there unacompanied by him.

The children were there butting in and it was a bloody nightmare. They were asking questions "Why do we need to go to Dads work?" "Why does Dad not want to go?" etc etc!! My 11yo being a particuarlar PITA with her questions!! The door bell kept going and I we had to keep answering it as we currently have no net curtains and everyone could see us in our lounge - bloody nightmare with me crying and shaking etc etc. The phone was going mental too!

So in the midst of it all (mainly the kids in my face - much as I love them to the end of the world - yesterday they really made a crap situation 10X worse) I buggerd off to make a coffee and get dressed. I felt sick where I was shaking so much! Not sure if it was adrenalin or anger tbh.

When I came back into the lounge there he was playing a games with the kids and promising to set upo something on the computer for our our 8yo. Call me cynical - but very convenient when I am stood there dressed and ready for a trip onto base to search his locker.

When it becomes apparent (without causing a scene infront of the kids) that we were going bloody nowhere - I went upstairs, sent him a txt that basically said something like ...Today is the only day you can take me to your locker - after today it will be too late and no matter what happens because you have refused to take me - I will always doubt you. Anyway - I felt really ill. Very dizzy and kind of disorientated. I lay down on the bed and fell asleep for 6 hours.

Awoke tea time to a very attentive husband. I still felt bloody ill - like I had literally blown a gasket in my head. Headache tht killed, washed out totally and very shaky.

I had no energy to insist we go to base so it kind of got dropped. Conveniently for him. He never approached the topic again (typically)but got on with a loads of domestic jobs that he knows were kind of needing doing!!

Today is another day. I feel flattend. I KNOW that as he has not been out without me and therefore had NO oppertunity to pop to work (although we live in military housing we live 7 miles from base - so he cannot just pop into base on the way to the village shop etc - he would need to take the car and be gone at leats 30 minutes). So I still have the option of asking him to take me and show me again today but I feel sick and weak and emotionally drained!

IMO - yesterday was his golden opportunity to proove to me has has absolutely nothing to hide. But he wouldn't because
a) he knows his locker full of incriminating evidence
b) he could not be arsed
c) he didnt "want" to go into work on his day off
d) he didn't want the petrol costs of travelling to work and back. (he is a total tightarse when it comes to money).

ALL are shit reasons not to take me(maybe exception of a) ! Surely our marriage should be worth more than b,c and d!! If the reason is a, then our marriage is over anyway and he knows that.

I am EVEN more desperate to see his locker now! Especially as I have learnt I cannot divorce him on his previous cheating now as it was 2 years ago. At the same time I feel sick and saddend that he wont take me - cos to me that says alot - as in I am now 90% sure he is hiding something. When we were chatting/arguing/debating yesterday - he said "I know you will probably never trust me again like you used to after what I did" but he still refused to take me to his locker despite me stating it would put ALOT of demons to bed for me.

When I say he refused - he just blanked me. He didnt really argue the point with me - maybe once when he shouted/raised his voice and said "I AM NOT GOING INTO WORK ON MY DAY OFF"!! He just stood by the kids and started playing games with them.

I know I would advise a friend to just leave now or end it - because the trust is gone and there is too much suspicion. I am building myself up for this possibility but just feel so drained and weak. I feel like doing a Shirley Valentine when the kids go back to school next week and buggering off anywhere on my own!! I just have an urge to run and run and get the hell out of his misery!! Its all just constantly brushed under the carpet and I always seem to be the one that has to fight to get things talked about.

I have absolutely NO ONE here to have the kids for us whilst we thrash this out! They go back to school next week as does my husband (to work). He is now home until NEXT Wednesday!

And yeah - I know ultimately I need to boot him out or go myself now. He so cba to try and save this marriage can he??? I am just scared and alone and realising what a bloody fool I have been to have let all my independence slip away over the years! I have no job, no qualifications (used to work in a bank 10+ years ago before kids), have not worked since children and just become a typical sad old service wife following my husband around the country for his career. I have nothing! Not even my own car anymore. My self confidnce has gone. I feel trapped. If I leave I have nothing and nowhere to go! I know none of this is a reason to stay - but it bloody hard! I suppose its hard when anyone in any situation ends their marriage. Easy to do in theory but when emotions and practicalities become involved - its bloody complicated and hard!

Am scared,frightend, angry and confused tbh - but doing a great job of being like my husband and burying my head in the sand - perhaps its a coping mechanism??? No idea!! I am so confused myself about what I want or maybe I just cannot face upto the fact I have wasted 15 years with this man. I cannot get past this urge to see in his locker which I know is pathetic as his reaction says as much as the contents of his locker will really!

I am waffling now so will shut up and take a breather! Sorry its so long and for any typos.

Thanks btw for all of your input! It really helps to get other peoples opinions/input.

Thank you also to AgaBoo for the link.

I think he has proven his guilt. I think you're gonna have to face up to it, if you carry on like this you are wasting your life, and also showing your DD's that it is ok to be treated like this.

Chin up, gather your strength and courage, and do what you know you need to do. ((hugs))

Oh dear.

What a scene.

I know it is probably the last thing you feel like now, but can you turn your anger round and try to do something positive re. your career and longer term job prospects? There are courses online for all kinds of stuff, plus local colleges . Have a think and look. Do something for you, that doesn't involve being a wife and mum.

I think you should try not to keep looking for evidence. How is your marriage otherwise? Do you love him? want to be with thim? If he was unfaithful now, is that IT? Does he know that after the last time?

Some wives can turn a blind eye to affairs as most of the time they blow themselves out and they ar e prepared to stick it out for the sake of the kids and stability. Not saying it is right, but maybe you need to think where you stand on this, if your marriage is okay in other ways.

I am surprised you didn't push him further on the condoms, as why would he have 2- not a pack of 3- loose, in a pocket for work or for your NYE night out- do you usually get down to it outside the house? Doesn't make any sense at all. I think that is evidence enought, really. Sorry.

As others have said, you do not need evidence to divorce him. If you want a quick divorce rather than 2 years separation you may have grounds for unreasonable behaviour- they are quite lax over what this means. I would still check that affairs are not counted if more than 6 months ago- that applies to unresonable behaviour- they think that if 6 months has passed you have accepted it- but I am not certain at all that it applies to infidelity.

Try to think over whether you want to save your marriage as it is- maybe the evidence is not the point- it's lack of trust and all the other bad stuff that should be what your decision is based on.

What purplepeony says.

I just wanted to say something when I read your post, Gutted. My heart goes out to you.

As to advice, PP has said precisely what I would have done. I hope you can take it easy today. You've suffered a big emotional blow, you need to recover.

Why didn't you mention the other gift set? Surely that would be another way to help prove things one way or another? Whomever he gave it too can be contacted and double checked.

I think you have got a bit obsessed about the locker, you don't know there is anything there, but you do know he bought an extra gift set. You know he had condoms in his pcket, why haven't you asked about those?

There could be explainations for each of these things. But you'll never know till you speak to him. I think this is more about how you are still feeling from last time. (Understandable as it is)

What do you want?

Grace.

oh dear, looks pretty bad.

Your trump card at the moment is the other gift set. Ask him outright where it is. If he has been with you since buying it, then it should still be in the house. He should be able to get it and show you now. If he has given it away, find out who it went to. You call them straightaway. ask them if he gave them a gift set. ask them what one it was. all this needs to be done without him having chance to get in touch with anyone. If other person is likely to cover for him they may well say they had a gift set, but they wont necessarily know WHAT the gift set was.

Just a thought - are you remembering to be cloak and dagger-ish on here - remove history etc.

I am so soory for you going through this. My advice would be to say to him that as he refused the chance to prove he in innocent of anything you are filing for divorce. Irrec. differences would do.

Don't walk out on your kids. Get yourself and your kids a plan to get a new place and start ignoring him, don't do his washing, cooking or cleaning and see this as a wonderful opportunity to restart your life.

DH and I have been together 10 yrs this year and married for 4 in Feb.

Despite my fancying the occaisional shag al fresco, DH refuses, saying he is no young whipper-snapper anymore. (he is 28 )

If I was to find condoms in his trousers I would be suspicious on this alone and I trust him 100%, purely because the last time I got a random shag other than at home was in 1999.

Gutted, think you need to sit back and in the nicest possible way calm down a little bit.

It is easy now to get very wound up and irrational not only that but giving yourself a headache and making yourself ill.

Take time to think about what you really want and think carefully about everything that has happend taking into account the evidence. You both need to have a calm talk and explain to him what you have found and ask the questions and wait for the explainations.

Whatever you do try not to wind yourself up too much as it will not do yourself any good healthwise. Also try and get some sort of independence back, even if it is only trying to get yourself mobile car etc.. if you can afford to. At least then, you wont feel so isolated, can you talk to your parents or a sibling for some support?

Gutted, am so sorry you are going through this again. Firstly, a person with nothing to hide, hides nothing. Your H should be an open book and realise that.

It sounds like the previous affair wasn't dealt with properly and all your anger and frustration at everything came out. I was/am very much like you, gave up career to have the DC, not worked in over 10 years etc. Gave myself up to the DC and DH. Then he went and left me for an OW at the beginning of 2009. Totally devastated.

I booked myself in for a session at Relate (recommended by solicitors as I was in such a state) and found out that I would probably end up in a rented house paid by housing benefit and on income support with 4DC as a worst case senario - I could live with that.

You have to decide what you want to do and only you. You will have advice from the world and his wife. Do you want to be married to this man, do you love him, do you think with help the marriage can be improved, What do you want ?

My DH left OW after 6 weeks and asked to go to Relate with me. We have had to face up to all of our bad behaviours and make changes. Christmas has been especially stressful with the DC and my anger at the affair exploded again (more his lies and deceit and the fact that he left me to cope because he couldn't etc) but it is all part of dealing with things, healing and repairing.

Put yourself at the top of the list now, not someway down after DC, H, housework etc.

Good luck.

guttedandworried

Please forgive me if I've missed the answer to this, but are you a Naval family?

I wanted to add that my heart goes out to you. So sorry that this is happening.

Why did you not get the kids in the car and sit there until he drove you to the base?

You could always threaten to get his CO and/ or SSAFA involved, they used to take a very dim view of infidelity.

He knows the locker is the one thing that will sort this situation out once and for all and has refused, that alone would be enough damning evidence.

You really missed an opportunity by not mentioning the other gift set though.

Sit him down and have it all out with him, try and keep calm though, not easy I know.

You poor love, this must be awful, how old are your girls?

Agree with Malfience, and can only offer sympathy for what must be a really difficult time.

I wonder if the reason why you simply don't force him to show you his locker is because you don't entirely want to know what is in there?

If I was in your situation. I would push and push until he took me there. I think its crucial.