Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

So what happens if he contrives to offer/agree to your checking out his locker now? After he's (justabout) had time to clear it of incriminating evidence.
I guess that would just confirm your suspicions.

Good for you GUTSY you got a plan girl and so proud of you .Spent a lot of time recently trying to piece together odd behaviour from my oh but only came up with bits and bobs and nearly drove myself mental,lost a stone on the cig stress irn bru diet .Lost all trust in my oh cos he lied so much i didnt know how to believe him anymore.Checked his phone while he was sleeping etc and just thought STOP this has gone too far cant live like this anymore cos its goin to kill me.But whatever happens to us i know i need to be strong and love myself so that i can make better decisions for me and my family.I never stopped thinking i was the girlie with attitude that i always had been,but i became someone that tried the best they could everyday for my family but my husband didnt notice me anymore.It wore me down and although i still knew i was a glass of champagne i was really just the bit at the bottom that had gone a flat.We separated 8wks ago not only cos of his lies but probably cos we just had forgotten how to be nice to each other .Him being out with his mates every night and me sat at home doin kids.Being apart has made me stronger given me a better sense of perspective and raised my self esteem .I certainly dont feel downtrodden and my glass of champagne is tall,cool,rather tempting and full of bubbles,so whatever happens next our relationship will be healthier cos mentally i am.We might not get back together but i know that i am in a better place now to ask for what i am looking for in a marriage because i am being true to myself about my own needs.I just have to work on the way i communicate that to my oh (no frustrated yelling screaming general slagging off allowed ,not very attractive in any way shape or form)Maybe we will split for good maybe we won't but all i'm trying to say GUTSY is we are all better people if we are firing on all cylinders (however you get there ,counselling,trusted friends etc)and an engine that is purring smoothly is always better than one that has blown a gasket ,hugs and kisses xxxx

ps Try and chill over the locker xxxx

maybees - "we are all better people if we are firing on all cylinders"
Never a truer word said. Should be said more often!

Best of everything to everyone going through something similar

Thanks Grace ,Just wonder what the world would be like if we all looked after each other a bit more instead of running each other into the ground ,guess we ladies have to lead the way and often we are our worst enemies.Isaw this film the other night and it was talking about co stars and leading ladies and saying if your life is a film at least you deserve to be the leading lady.It kinda struck me that on my film set i was making the tea and sweeping up afterwards,when maybe sometimes i deserve to walk the red carpet,take care x

Hey Gutted, well, done, you and in situations like this I think it is a good idea to have a back-up plan.

Hopefully your next posting will be somewhere where OW is not able to be within reach (if there is an OW).

Keep vigilant though, know what army married quarters are like, we spent 2 years in Bicester back in 2000. Mine is out now though.

Getting some independence back in is so important and knowing what to do if it ends is vital. Try and keep well.

Gutted - this is your marriage and your life so what ever you chose to do is down to you and no one else business. I do think people leave to quick sometimes and with a lot less evidence.

I think focusing on you and your children is the best plan but I would make it clear to your h that things are not great and he has to work with you on that. I would also not sleep with him as I couldn't if I thought he was shagging someone else.

Is there anyway you could check with someone if he did call in at work via the chip shop?

I know someone who was having problems and bought a phone that if left in the room could dial into it and listen to what was being said, the phone looked like it was switched off though all the time thus the persons doing the talking didn't know they were being spied on.

Gutted - I think what you are doing is great. I agree that making decisions with a cool head is absolutely the best thing. I cheered when I saw that you had resolved to work on YOU now. Nothing but good can come of you gaining your own independence - do make sure you stick to that and don't get sucked into being the last one in the pecking order, ever again.

Also, look after your own mental health during this "limbo" period. Living with someone you don't trust would I imagine, eat away at a person. If you can afford it, can I suggest you treat yourself to some counselling just for you?

For me, a happy outcome to this would be that you gain strength and economic independence and that eventually, that strength will allow you to say "enough" to your H and your marriage. I wish you well.

Here, here WWIFN!

Having been a forces wife for half my married life, I know how hard it is, people on the outside have no idea of the reality.
Only the strongest marriages survive that lifestyle and they can't survive without trust.

You're being very smart about this, Gutted. Keep on putting yourself and your best interests first and you will never look back. If it's a matter of when, not if, you call a halt to it, you might as well do it when you're good and ready unless there's fear of violence, in which case I'd say get away as fast as possible. I would bet any kind of money that you will continue to find evidence as the year goes by.

Your H looks less and less trustworthy. Did he understand after the last episode that it is his job if he values the marriage to prove his trustworthiness to you every day for the rest of his life? It's not up to you to try to learn how to trust again, or to accept a relationship that is lacking in trust. Life without trust is the worst kind of limbo to which someone could ever condemn a person they love. Rebuilding trust was his job.

Gutted I agree with what you are doing. Build your own life again. Try and open a savings account and put some money away. Ensure you do not have debts in your name etc. Start your college course and make new friends.

Then if you need to leave in the future you will be in a much better postition. If you dont leave at least you will be happier in yourself

Gutted - how are you now? Hope you are coping OK.

did we ever get an update on gutted's predicament?

Incase anyone is interested I thought I would give you a brief update.

2010 has been a year of big change for me.

We have moved house and after not being able to find a job I decided to go to college.

I feel like the ME part of my life has been transformed. Since we moved here in March I have just got stuck in with MY life doing a few more independant things for myself.

I am no longer just a wife and mum.

I am the oldest on my 1 year college course. I find some of it quite hard but am loving it so much. Its a 1 year course very industry based for what I want to do and they even "help" alot with recruitment at the end of it.

So my plans for a better life for me are well on track.

Sadly things at home are pretty poor. We had a very very busy start to the year with house moves and family weddings so all that had gone on at Xmas was "forgotten" in the chaos.
We rub along day to day but are both so busy with studies and work, its easy not to spend too much time together.
Its not awful but its not good.
I am positive though about my future and my plans remain the same.

I do have down days about how my life is - but then remind myself I am working on getting myself to a better place.

As for H, he knows something is up. I cannot tell him atm. In some ways I am still not ready to deal with all the emotional fall out.

I think he has tried to turn over a new leaf since we moved here. I still look (but not search obsessively) for tell tale signs but tbh dont want to waste my energy on something so negative anymore. To date I have found nothing incriminating at all - apart to say some weird pics on his phone of a woman in a bar but I am wondering if they were taken off our TV (looking at date and time of them).

I still get moments of anger at DH for his first affair/s and the way he behaved last Xmas. ltimately I think I have lost alot of my respect for him. I just dont think its going to come back. I just see him as a very different person to the one I thought I had married. I get days when I feel very very sad and down about how its all turned out - today I am feeling a bit down tbh but it will pass. Cannot wait to get back to college next week, then I dont have time to think and analyse my life.

I would also like to add that the extra perfume gift set has never turned up. Not on valentines day, mothers day, easter, my birthday or throughout the house move - most of which I had to organise.

Its far from perfect. I am not always happy but I am a million miles away from the person and life I was living just 10 months ago. All in all I am happier and looking forward to the future on the whole, if also a little scared of whats in store.

Thank you once again for all of your kindness and comments last Christmas when I was in a very very low and bad place. I did and still appreciate it, hence the reason I wanted to update you - should anyone be interested still.

Hello there.

I apologise but I haven't had a chance to read all of the thread but I just wanted to respond to your message. I hope that you continue to grow in personal strength and I am so pleased to see that you are doing more for yourself. It's so easy to forget yourself when you are a wife and mum.

Take care
xx

I followed your story at the time and it is good to hear that you are making some kind of progress. Good luck and I hope it continues :)

I do remember your thread but had no advice
Glad to hear you are enjoying your course and you can see a time when you'll be in a position to make changes

Go with your gut feeling, you know this man better than anyone else,

Hi, I've just seen this thread. If you do need to know how to catch him out, send me a message. I was told a method by a private detective.

I remember following your story, and omg can't believe it was 10 months ago! Did you ever look in his locker?

Glad you are ok now, the way you have worded certain things strikes many a chord with me and I do feel for you.

Hi, Gutted - I've often wondered what happened with you. I'm sorry the shine's gone off your relationship (though not too suprised) and THRILLED you're in a new place, physically and mentally. Well done you :)

As you say, focus on your studies, yourself and your kids. Once you've got your new career started, your options will be so much wider and you'll be able to look more objectively at the changes you want to make. Wishing you all the best.

I followed your thread and have often wondered how you are. I'm pleased you got to work on YOU but I'm sorry you are still at stalemate with your marriage. I hope that something shifts there, because living in this limbo is not good for you and not good for the DCs, who will model their future relationships on yours.

Well done you for turning a bad situation into something more positive. I'm glad you're happier than you were when you first posted.