Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

Thanks worriebee for your input and advice.

Off to have a read of the link.

I would just confront him with the receipt and ask where the other set went, because you are suspicious, because you don't really trust him

He should understand that

TBH I can imagine paying with cash for something over Christmas, thinking "That was a bargain, I should get another one! Oh look, there's cash here, that will save waiting again..." etc. But as to where it went - only he can answer that.

There may well be an explanation for the gift sets if he saw the BOGOF offer and thought ooh lovely dw likes that and dd could have the other. Paid and then realised, what about other dd and paid with cash for another set to save time/realising he had cash in his pocket. Then it's just a question of where the other set is. If it's a perfume he knows you like he may just have put it away for a birthday/mother's day.

Even the condom issue wouldn't worry me as I'd just assume he'd hoped he was going to get lucky (with me) at some point.

So, your suspicions are largely linked to what has happened in the past. The two events on their own wouldn't worry me a jot but I am in the fortunate position that I don't believe for a second my dh has had, is having or would have an affair. What I'm saying in an obtuse and clumsy way, is that the behaviour itself is not indicative of anything but history and gut instinct might be.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and that your suspicions have been reignited. You assert quite confidently that he would just deny everything if confronted so you perhaps do need to gather a little more evidence first.

If you did decide to ask him about the other gift set without any other info, I wouldn't steamroll in with accusations or demands actually as he'll be immediately defensive and there's little to read in that reaction. A breezy 'ah you cheapskate, where's the other BOGOF item' while waving the receipts and smiling gives him the opportunity to give you the innocent answer without being defensive or feeling cornered. If he becomes defensive then it's not because of an accusation but because of guilt iyswim.

Well, I feel there are 2 ways:

1-you can leave. You have previous issues and there is no trust. How do you expect the relationship to continue even if there is nothing going on?

2-you snoop and find out more. I don't think you have concrete evidence and based on what he did (deny, deny, deny) last time you found him out, I'm not sure he would come clean.

Buy a new pack on condoms and keep an eye on what is there. Is he getting called out on his phone? Can you check that the numbers are correct or give on of them a call on a witheld number?

sorry you are going through this hell.

Agree with those who say get as much evidence as poss. I believe he could bullshit his wy out of the perfume bit, and almost the condom. Had them in his pocket for you, dropped the box and put them in his pocket, i don't know, but would sy it is not enough to nail the bugger.

Watch the condoms in the pocket. Check there are still 2, check the box to see there are still 5. and anything else. Then once you are fully in the know, confront him. Maybe by taking the trousers to the wash and 'discovering' said condoms and asking darling why they are there, then once he has given you the bullshit, bring up everything else.

He put on his new christmas trousers, popped a couple of condoms in them and breezed off to work on boxing day for several hours, minus his overalls? Missing perfume set, and a random gift bag in his work bag? It all sounds very suspicious - I don't think you need any more evidence to confront him, especially given his past behaviour.

You can probably get another power cable for his laptop from pc world cheaply enough, you know. Does he use the laptop often? msn etc?

Why do you need a power cable? It'll run off its batteries for a couple of hours, surely?

Sorry you're going through this.

Thank you all you have replied.

I have taken some of the call out calls from his work myself and they seem genuine enough.
Some of the call outs have been via his pager going off - him calling whoever back from his works mobile (I have also checked and found nothing - its a pool phone to be used by whoever is on call).

His laptop has a pretty much dead battery giving 10/15 minutes tops! His power supply is currently broken and only works sporadically. He is in the process of taking it apart (he was a electrician). He has a new one on order through a friend who can get one for free - as opposed to just buying one for only £20!!! I dont think we will be getting the new power supply until mid January!! Ggggrr!!

I am worried about getting halfway through a search on his laptop and it dying and then him finding out I have been snooping (Daft that it is I feel awful snooping). At the same time I suppose it could also work to my advantage - it may have died on him in mid whatever too, leaving any evidence readily available.

I just do NOT want to alert him at all that I suspect. He knows how he was caught out last time so I imagine (IF he is up to no good) he has "upped his game". This time I really dont think the evidence will unfold as easily as it did before.

I agree in part to those of you who say - I obviously dont trust him so that should be it! Before ANY of this happend - now and 2 years ago, I strongly believed that. I also thought I would never have a cheat back. Funny thing is - when its your life its not so easy to actually practice the same advice you know you would preach to a friend! Daft I know! But 15 years together, 7 years of marriage and 2 kids - I want to know exactly WHY I am throwing in the towel iykwim.

How are you today?

I think it takes a lot of strength to stay and make a marriage work when one party has strayed. And it can work and a relationship can recover to better than it was before. I don't think a person here would judge you for making an effort to save your marriage. I couldn't say what I'd do in that situation. I think humans are fallible and capable of remorse and change. I think it shows as much strength to stay as it does to walk away and only you can decide which path is the right one for you. I do hope your decision to stay is validated eventually. I don't think this is as simple as he definitely is/isn't up to something and it's terrible for you to be stuck in this limbo.

Oh dear, I am sorry you're going through this

Normally I'd say your instincts are likely to be right, even with slim evidence - but this is the anniversary of when you caught him before, your trust is still a little shaky, and your 'instinct' this time may just be unresolved issues pushing themselves forward.

You need to be careful of letting these fears set your recovery back.

The perfume is a mystery, but not too alarming in itself. As has been said, you don't buy a BOGOF and leave the free set behind! It could have gone to an innocent recipient, a friend might have wanted it for their DP, or he could be saving it for you.

The condoms are more worrying. Problem is, it seems you're not 100% sure of his condom-carrying habits so we can't assume the worst. Did you find them in the new trousers? If he'd put them on for the first time to go to work - adding condoms - that's hard to explain in ordinary terms. But, if they were in the old ones, he might have stuck 'em in there for luck (with you). Also, the other brand doesn't raise alarm bells right now: you only had 5 left and hadn't noticed, so why wouldn't he buy a few more?

I'm not saying it all looks innocent; just that your history means you could be over-stressing. Try to stay calm (sorry) and think clearly.

actually, i agree with James: get another cable from PCworld.
you can always give it to him afterwards as a pressie if he's innocent.

I can't understand all this detective stuff; surely you just have to ask? even if you find what you think is irrefutable "evidence" he might have an explanation?

If it were me, i would have asked him days ago- shown receipts, asked why condoms were in trousers, and demanded an explanation.

why can't you just ask? are you putting off finding out?

purplepeony - because he lied last time.

i agree with everyone who has said you need more evidence

i would be suspicious too

please don't think about " cheating back". you need to stay focussed on deciding whether or not to stay in this marriage. If you do decide to split, you need to focus your energy on doing it the best way possible for the kids

a fling with a friend or stranger will just complicate things and make you feel even worse than you do

pp - it's better to get lots of information before asking. He could easily lie when you ask, and then quickly get rid of all the evidence. Also he will be able to start organising things to his advantage in case there is a divorce.

OP - hope you're okay - horrible shock. I'm just wondering why he took his laptop to work with him the other day if it dies after 10 mins.
I would get a spare from PC World and not tell him , since he thinks it safe and if he has been cheating there will be evidence there if you knmow or can crack the password.

It is possible that the spare perfume is the BOGOF that he had to have, that is being stashed for whenever.

It is possible he just grabbed the condoms from an old packet, or found them lying somewhere...something like that.

You need more evidence. Hope you are ok today, I do feel for you. Trouble is, even though there was nothing obvious on his phone, that doesn't help does it? We assume he has a secret sim card. If you find nothing on his computer, we assume secret email address.

That's the problem with broken trust. I am not sure where you should go from here really.

Maybe instead of looking for old evidence, you should set some traps for finding new stuff? If he goes out, can you phone him and ask him to come back for some emergency? Can you follow him? ask anyone you know to follow him? Can you scupper his dates if that is what they are?

look in his car for a second phone

As someone who recently found out my DH was having an affair (I was told by OW ex-DH who found out by checking her email)I have been thinking about how I would have found him out if I had not been told. As it happens I was vaguely suspicious because I had seen this OW fawning over him @ his sports club, but did not really belive anything could have happened because he did not have TIME for antyhing to happen (and TBH she was always a bit of a joke to us, too much makeup, a bit dim ) - I always knew (I thought) where he was. I have never looked at his phone or email account, and he unlikely to leave receipts or condoms lying around. It turns out that when I thought he was on a work call he was, but just tacked on a short trip to her flat afterwards (romantic, eh ), so short of following him, I would not have found out - lucky for me she had a jealous ex who made it his business to spy on her (and probably follow her - I would not be at all suprosed if he had staked out her place and observed my DH visiting since the email he sent me telling me about it was shortly after the last time DH was there).
If I were suspicious now I think I would check the phone, but be aware of the awful sickeningness of coming across a txt or email from or to her - if you could get a trusted friend to look instead at least she could tell you yes or no to lessen the immediate blow.

HowIGotitBack - I am sorry you too have been through this hurt.

Your case of discovering your DH was being unfaithful is similar in a way to when my DH played away. I had had fleeting moments (if that - even)of slight uneasiness but nothing I could put my finger on. From time to time (rarely) it would happen but almost as soon as the thought, not even a whole thought iykwim was in my head I dismissed it for so many reasons.

My DH is a shy man. A quiet man. A decent man - not just imo but everyone tends to think so (God that sound arrogant - I dont mean it quite like that - just trying to get the picture of him across). He is a good husband in alot of ways - apart from the obvious MAJOR flaw, but other women tell me how lucky I am to have such a doting husband. He is a fantastic Dad. He absolutely dotes on our 2 daughters, a real proper hands on Dad and again lots of people comment on how our girls our the apple of his eye etc etc. Again, we used to laugh at the fact neither of us could have an affair due to time restraints etc etc.
Like you he was seeing smeone else at the end of a days work or after a early finish or before a late start. His job takes him away from home form time to time so he added a few days on at the start an end of a trip away to - and I was none the wiser. The very nature of his job means he is pretty unobtainable most of the time - so he is "safe" if he wants to play away then.

Last time it as an awful shock. I know that sickening feeling only too well of finding a text with all the intimacy in it. . Last time I physically shook for about 3 weeks.

I started shaking last night when I found the condoms but I am now relatively calm but very sad and unsettled.

He went out to work early and has come home and gone to bed. I have searched the car high and low and cannot find anything. Which I suppose is a good thing. I have brought in the sat nav to have a look through recent destinations. The blasted thing is flat though, but as luck would have it my mobile charger seems to fit it so I have it on charge and will have a look through it in a mo.

Like many of you have said - the trust has gone - hence my suspicions.

So the search continues.

The condoms you found in his trousers, and all the ones in your bedroom, Put a tiny litlte black dot on the corner of the wrapper, and keep checking them for the dot over the next few weeks.

This will tell you if he is using them away from home and replacing them.

He may just have a second sim card for the same phone. which would be like looking for a needle in a haystack.