Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

Gutted, it's great to hear from you. Do come on tomorrow and I hope you sleep soundly after your epic shopping trip. I'm sure there's some emotional exhaustion in the mix and there are so many views to consider on here. So glad it's helping though.

gutted - did you both go to counselling before?

My h would have wanted to brush things under the carpet at one time. He felt he could not win in that if he mentioned it, i knew it was on his mind and if he kept quiet then it must be guilty.
Over time my h has really changed and with the help of a counsellor he now sees that he must be more willing to be open about things.
He was like most men and was reluctant to seek help for a long time but once he saw the benefits i got from it and that actually it was something i wanted him to do to save the relationship he entered into it whole-heartedly.
In fact he became a bit of a bore about it at times.

I really hope you are ok and that your h does the right thing for you.

can't believe that people who get married don't talk about their views on infidelity.

My DH knows full well that if he strayed i'd cut his dick off. And i know that if i cheated it would be a deal breaker for him, so we're all in a happy place.

Ah Daisy - that's precisely the sort of conversation we had too, although less aggressively!

What I mean about having a "grown up" conversation is that couples should discuss infidelity and temptation honestly - assess the risk and do everything possible to mitigate against that risk. Whereas I think so many couples discuss it in terms of penalties if there is a transgression - and leave it at that.

That brief conversation doesn't deal with how a perfectly nice, good person can cross the line between a friendship and an emotional affair, or how depression or life catalysts can make us more vulnerable, or how we have "weak spots" in certain situations or with a certain type of person.

Of course it is important to let each other know what the consequences would be - that is about stating boundaries. But confining the conversation to just this, doesn't acknowledge that we are adults with a complex set of emotions and behaviours.

When ever I read on here about inappropriate texting relationships, dating site discoveries, one night stands or full-blown affairs, I often shudder when I read OPs or posters settling for the behaviour having stopped, without analysing the reasons it happened in the first place. I shudder because I'm pretty convinced it will happen again - and it could be in the case of our lovely OP here, they never did get to the bottom of the earlier infidelity and never got round to affair-proofing the future.

What a great reply, Normal! Your advice should be incorporated in those pre-wedding chat things.

Cheating in any respect, no matter what form it takes is not right though is it, that surely is not the reason you got married for. Committing to one man/woman and one man/woman alone, cheating is the break of trust and just the most god awful thing no matter what.

Really disapointed in some of the posts I have seen on here, and that for some it seems to be ok to either go and do it.

For me it would be the end, sorry no matter how many years marriage. Not what I got married for.

Me too Lighthouse, I'm full of admiration for WWIFN and the way she and her DH have fought back and worked on their marriage but I could never see any way of me dealing with things if my DH cheated on me.

We've been together since our teenage years and the fact that we've only ever had each other is very special to me and once the knowledge of him being with another woman was in my head I know I could never touch him again because he was no longer just "mine" - irrational and bonkers, but there you go - and he knows exactly how I feel so there would be no excuses.

I think the OP is setting herself up for more heartache by letting things lie.

Mal- I don't think for one minute that the OP is letting things lie- she said that she was knackered- her last post was after midnight- and she said that she will talk to him again when she has the energy.

I think you might try to accept that your experience of relationships is more limited than other people's. Because of this you are bound to see things in very black and white terms, as I think I would have if I had married my first "real" boyfriend, from 16-20. I had another 10+ years of relationships after we split and it does give you a broader perspective.

I think the OP biggest problem and the one causing her the most heartache and stress is the fact she actually has no proof at the moment, I ahet it when people are in this position and the agony of not knowing, I have haad my suspicions before about mine and thankfully was all in my head but this poor woman has had it done to her before.

Trouble is what do you do to get at the truth, some would critisise her for snooping but what else do you do?

Lighthouse of course it's not right and it is a monumental breach of trust. I don't think anyone's saying otherwise. But it happens and the people doing it are not the devil incarnate. To understand this, you have to come at this from the perspective that people who in all other respects are good, kind people, are nevertheless capable of tempation and acting on it.

It is such a folly to think "My DH/DP/DW is a good person, so this could never happen to me". How many people have you read about on here who say they never thought it could happen to them, because their partner was "not the type", "loves me so much" - or, "is such a good, kind person". It's that kind of thinking that makes the shock of betrayal even greater - and I know, because I've been there.

Do you really think any of us were married for so long to men who were intrinsically bad, awful people? Like it or not, we are all capable of doing a bad thing once. It's whether that becomes a pattern of behaviour, or whether it is yet another in a series of abusive, destuctive acts that determines whether the person is intrinsically "bad".

When this happens, Purple Peony is right - it's a watershed moment to say "what now?"

In weighing up whether to start on a path to forgiveness, the betrayed partner (and the betrayer for that matter) need to do the maths. Does this affair define them as a person? What does this say about their basic character? How many years have passed full of kind, loving behaviour, compared with the duration of the affair and the attendant cruel behaviour? Could this happen again?

No-one is saying that this isn't wrong or truly awful behaviour, but in any situation - with a friend, relative or one's partner, it is far healthier to work out whether you can hate a person's actions and still love the person. In an infidelity situation, if that person acts badly again, you have more evidence that this does perhaps define them as a person, especially once they have seen the devastation and the hurt.

When in this situation, you really have to work out what's going to make you happier in the long run. Wounded pride and terrible hurt are all very real emotions, but are actually not the best informers to a decision-making process.

Like HW, I am grateful for the insights I have learned and also for the clarity to work out what it was I wanted for the future. I'm strengthened - not weakened - by my capacity to forgive. Ultimately, I have realised that it would have been the most profound waste of a relationship that has been mostly life-enhancing and nurturing. As a side issue, I am delighted that our children have parents who were prepared to work hard and give them the security of two parents who love them - and eachother - to bits.

Hi

Well nothing to report. He has not mentioned it AT ALL. It hs nicely been swept under the carpet.

I was all ready today to chat to him as rationally as I could and still demand to be taken to his work to see inside this locker. I know it seems like an obsession (and NO it is not the main issue) but if I saw this and found it was just full of his work paraphenalia and nowt else ALOT of demons would be put to bed for me and I am more likely to see a rational explanation to the condoms and believe whatever he would tell me about the receipt/gift set.

As it was last night enroute back from our epic shopping trip he suggested we eat out. I felt ill, thumping head and just exhausted so suggested a chippy tea instead as I just could not be arsed with eating out. Fine. But he did something he as a tightwad and a real thrifty sod would never normally do! He actually said he would take me and the girls home (I had been complaining the house would be cold as the thermostat had been on low all day and I wanted to get back to whack it up etc). He said he would drop me and the girls off so I could warm the plates, butter the bread etc and he would go to the chippy some 5 miles or so from home. This would normally be a big no no for him as this would entail extra mileage and petrol costs!

My head was so bad and I was tired I just agreed. It was only as we turned into our road I realised he would be on his own and have the opportunity now to pop to work and clear anything (IF there is anything) incriminating from his locker, if he wanted to. With this rather irrational thought I grabbed a pen and piece of paper out of my handbag (I know this sounds bloody obsessive) and wrote down the mileage.

He dropped us off at 8.20pm and returned from our chippy 5 miles away at 9.10/15ish!! Too ill and tired to really care, I did nothing. But did think I am sure when he was away back in the summer and me the girls got into a bit of a Friday night chippy habit - a return trip at 8pm at night usually took little over 30 minutes!

This morning I needed to drop DD1 into our local town. About 2 miles max down the road (am yet to clarify exact mileage on next trip out) I remembered to make a note of the mileage on the car and OMG - it would seem my weirdo obessiveness may have found something a little odd!! It would seem that last nights trip to the chippy and back was actually 28 miles(should be 10/11)!! So even if he took a weird route thats ALOT of extra miles.

At a rough estimate of mine the extra miles would cover a trip to his work (I may even be sad enough to check this out myself for real when the weather improves). The timing would be tad tight though. Even so there are ALOT of extra miles on the clock that I cannot account for. Where did he go if not to his work? OW???

So for me now - if he took me to his locker right now and I found nothing I would not be satisfied. There is now the possibility that he has moved something if there ever was anything.

All this crap aside. I had a very long think when I was out and had dropped DD off. I sat in my car for a couple of hours in a car park in town and just sat there and had a really long hard think about me, our marriage, our children and the future and the past. It was bliss to actuallly think like that - alone, no interruptions etc. I then called my lovely dear best friend and had a really long chat with her.

I have come to no solid conclusion yet about anything but I have for now (may change by tomorrow or I may loose my temper an blow it all at anytime) decided I am going to do nothing. Well nothing with regards to confronting my husband with all of this. It drains me! It just saps every bit of energy out of me.

Instead - I will plod on as he seems to be content to do BUT one massive thing I will do is sort myself out.

I am going to try and find my oldself or discover a new me. I am no longer going to be just a wife and mum. I am going to try and get back my independence. I have started job hunting (as of tonite)but actually want to go college in September. I know what I want to do. We are posted in 2 months and I already know the college near where we are posted does the course I want.

At the moment I have so much to loose by demanding answers and forcing the issue to a head. At the end of the day because of the very sistuation we live in - his life would continue much the same if we split and mine would be hellish if I left today.

I am by no means letting him off. I am still snooping, suspicious and feel the same emotionally towards him BUT I am using the time and maybe him even, to better my chances of a better life for when or if I discover the awful truth that he actually playing away again.

If we come out of this a happier couple - then I will also have gained some inependence and a life for me as an added bonus. If we split, I will be in a much better position financially,mentally and hopefully with some kind of selfworth or self esteem.

I just see this as a plan. It may change. It may be I cannot continue like this. But what have I to loose by trying this course of action?

When I was sat there today I thought and thought and the bottom line is - no matter how damning (or not) the evidence I have, it is not solid enough for me to end us, uproot my children etc etc.

Yeah things are not rosy and brilliant. But IMO upping and leaving now would be shit for me and I would never be clear in my own mind as to WHAT he was upto. I KNOW 100% just KNOW that my husband will not admit to ANYTHING with the info I currently have.

Will this plan work? I really dont bloody know. I may be setting myself up for more heartache and agony but where I am financially and mentally with my lack of self esteem (with regards to employment etc) leaving now would be hellish too.

Its so hard to explain! I am not staying in the hope it will be OK - I am not that stupid. The very fact I am as suspicious as I am is a sign that things are pretty damn shit and probably doomed for us.

I would like to add that for the best part of the last 12/14 months I have not been at all suspicious or snoopy. I have always been more "aware" since his previous infidelity but not like this. This has purely built up in the past week or so because of what I have found and maybe mixed in with the 2nd anniversary of my initial discovery ect. Xmas and NY is a time for reflection anyway - add the discovery of an affiar into that mix and its hard to "forget"!

Please dont flame me or tell me I am a fool. I am feeling so pathetically fragile. There is a kind of logic to my thinking - just hard to explain. I admit that MAYBE part of it is I just cannot face upto the fact my marriage is/could be over. But as I have already explained - I need SOLID undeniable evidence to walk away right now.

Hi gutted, I've been following this thread but not posted yet. I think your plan to focus on you for a while is a good move. Good Luck.

very brave and clear post op

oh god OP
either leave him or dont
this is all abit secret squirrel

am starting to wonder if whole thing is made up

I think the fact you are thinking forward and doing something for you is fantastic, regardless of what happens in your marriage.

If he suddenly offers to take you into work then he's confirmed it.

At some point can he move with his job and you stay put?

the woman is knackered tho, and says herself she isn't sure if she's doing the right thing, and may just crack or shout within the next hour! At least op, you are thinking about yourself. You need strength in yourself, as you've said.

gutted, noone has the right to flame you or call you a fool.

It is completely your choice how you deal with this .

You have do do what is right for YOU and your children.
Others can offer opinions and their perspectives and experiences but ultimately they are not the ones who have to deal with the consequences of the choices you make.

I hope you get over the fragile feeling and get some peace about the whole thing.

Sounds like a good move Gutted.

Sounds like a win-win plan, gets you strong to look after yourself and kids whatever happens.

Some marriages do recover - I think you're right to keep your options open.

Gutted you are not a fool - you are a brave and wise woman to think about what YOU want for you and your children.

Gutted, fwiw I totally respect your thinking and your new clarity of focus.

You'll doubtless realise, when you're ready, that there are too many 'unexplaineds' to add up to anything but a partner who's hiding part of his life from you. That's a bummer.

But the main thing is how this affects your feeling about YOUR life, and your kids'. Live your life only as an add-on to somebody else's, and you're heading for trouble one way or another. Regardless of how your marriage (and this situation) pans out, you're already a better person. You have more purpose, you're building ambitions and your life is becoming your own - to share as you think best.

I know there's a way to go, some of it rocky. You're more clear-eyed and more grounded than many, though. You'll do fine.

Go you! Thanks for writing.

No, you are most definitively not a fool. You need to plan ahead, and leave when it suits YOU and YOUR CHILDREN better.

It is very easy to say leave him now, but to be honest, in order to survive as a lone parent without much damage you really need to take the steps to it while you have a "safe" base.

Best of luck, keep focused and remember, leave when it suits YOU (you are also welcome to change your mind along the way), but never ever ever take decisions that could cause major consequences in your life, in the spur of a moment. Act with a cold head, it pays off.

there was this 'friend' of mine

well, she rushed off and left with nothing, and with hindsight, the situation was tolerable, and she really should have stayed and continued her dental treatment, study and that year of her little ones schooling and stuff like that.

this 'friend' jumped from the frying pan and into the fire if you like, into unsuitable accomodation, poverty and stress.

back to you OP.
he is obviously upto something, the swine.

if you can keep your cool, you start doing something too, stash some money, make plans and a new life.

MaggieSultana - Sadly NONE of this is made up. You live and learn. Yeah I feel embarrassed sat here telling you all the way I have been snooping etc. But 2 years ago I confronted him with very damning but minimal info. It was a hard blumming slog to fill in the gaps and crap. As with most cheaters - he started "operation Damage limitation" which involved sussing out how much I knew then admitting to only that!!
The stuff I know all came out in dribs and drabs. It was long, painful and laboriuos squeezing answers and info out of a man scared/ignorant/ashamed etc. Some people can maybe walk away not wanting or needing to know the finer details and thats fine for them but for me, if I am ending 15 years and disrupting my childrens lives - I want to know EXACTLY what for and why.

Sleighgirl - We sold our own home a few years back and are currently in married quarters as his job makes us so mobile atm. We move house within 2 years atm. Not keen on where we are now but looking forward to our next posting. So no, at the mo I have to accompany my husband on ALL (accompanied) postings. Have moved around so much for 15 years that I have no idea where I call home anymore! I have sort of lost my roots but do enjoy discovering new places etc.

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. It really is so much appreciated.