Found condoms and an odd receipt

[guttedandworried]

Its not good is it??

DH bought me and our 2 DD identical fragrance gift sets for Xmas. All in an indentical gift bag.

He joked with me that it was a buy 2 get 3rd free deal.

Well tonite for some totally random unknown reason I found his wallet on the bed and I dont know why but I nosied through it.

I found 2 receipts for this gift set. It was a BOGOF deal. He paid for the first 2 sets with his debit card, then 5 minutes later purchased another 2 sets (identical) but this time with cash.

3 sets are accounted for between me and our 2 DD. Where is the 4th? and why buy the 2nd 2 with cash not card?

This got my mind racing. So I went through his trouser pockets and found 2 condoms. 2 of ours - well same brand etc ( we use condoms atm).

He has been off work since Xmas eve but on call and has been called into work almost everyday (except Xmas day). He has been gone hours everytime. He has openly said he may or has popped into town to check out a few sales on his way home. TBH - the nature of his job and his call outs mean he could be out for 1 hour or 10 hours - so that means nothing. But the trousers he wore to work this week are the ones with the condoms in.

When he was called in on Boxing Day - he made some comment about not needing/bothering to wear his overalls and just went in his casual clothes. Not too unusual - as he sometimes does not bother with overalls BUT these are brand spanking new trousers he had for Xmas.

Maybe I am reading too much into everything else but the condoms and the receipt alone are enough to make my blood run cold.

I have been snooping since he has gone to bed. I cannot get onto his laptop as I cannot find the power supply for it. But in his laptop bag I found a gift bag (similar but not the same as the ones me and the girls had our Xmas gifts in). I cannot think of anything else he brought me, the girls, his mum etc that the gift bag would have come with.

I want to snoop in the car - but he has brought the company car home tonite and although I am sat here with the keys I am too scared to try opening it etc incase an alarm or something goes off!!

I have decided not to confront him yet and to see what else turns up in the coming days. I KNOW he wont admit to anything even with the condoms etc.

I am not jumping to conclusions am I? . What would you think if you found a reciept like I did (and there is question of WHERE is missing fragrance set)and 2 condoms in you OH trouser pocket?

Sorry for sounding so dumb - part of me is in calm shock the other is in part denial. I cant be doing with this atm - not that I have a choice.

This is a difficult one and I strongly trust a woman's instinct.

You know when something doesn't add up. Why would he take condoms out with him when you have sex at home? It's not even as if he bought a new box that you found. If it were me I would bide my time and wait until you have some concrete evidence.

If the shit hits the fan and you file for divorce you need strong evidence to prove infidelity. If he doesn't admit if you need to prove it, whether in emails (sorry I haven't read the multitude of replies you have received on this so not sure if you have managed to get into his car or computer yet!), text or photographic (PI).

I do feel for you. This is an awful time for you and I do hope that you sort it out one way or another. It does strike me that you have never forgiven, or forgotten him straying before.........I am sorry to say that a Leopard never changes his spots. Once a shit, always a shit.

Thinking of you xx

bump

Hiya, Sorry for the delay in getting back but we have been away for NY an I forgot to pack my lappy.

Well, nothing concrete or earth shattering to report really. I have discussed it with my very best friend and she has been quite rational about it all despite knowing his previous (although she does see it could also be a bit suspect). This has made me chill out some more but it still does not sit 100% happy with me.

So for now I have decided to be alert (more than I already was)and see what turns up. I have searched lots of places except the one place I never can search - his locker at work and thankfully nothing else remotely suspicious has turned up. Although - the sceptical me says the one place he would keep anything suspect like a mobile or anything else would be his locker at work as he knows I can NEVER EVER have access to it.

We all got ridiculously drunk at the party at my best friends house on NYE. Him so, more than me. He did keep wandering off down the road to our car (parked at the bottom of the road). I had asked him earlier in the evening to go and get the camera from the car which he did - but then quite a few times he dissapeared down the road with no real explanation as to why.

It could have been that he was drunk - and there were several times during the evening that we were all out in the street. Ofcourse the more paranoid side of me wonders if he was off to make a phonecall and wish "someone" a happy new year etc. He did have his mobile on him or if he was going to the car - who is to say he did not have another phone/sim hidden???.

However - this is not conculsive evidence of anything - that I realise. So its been put to the back of my mind not to fretted over but also not forgotten.

The condoms remained in his work trousers until NYE. Then they transferred to the trousers he wore out on NYE to the party and they are now in the trousers he has worn back home today! So perhaps - that is innocent too. I think he was hoping for some NY bedroom action!! LOL.

So I am alot more optmistic than I was last week! However I am also alot more alert and wary than I was.

I will still be alert and if I am honest I feel I am probably not going to be able resist snooping. I still am very keen to have a good nosey on his laptop.

I would just like to say a huge thank you to all of you who replied with some input (please add some more if you have something to say/add). It was greatly appreciated especially in the early hours of the morning on the same night I discoverd the receipt and condoms and my mind was racing an I was in panic mode.

Well, at least your Dh could never be accused of not being prepared! Why on earth does he need to carry them all the time?

Seriously- and I hate to pour cold water on your new better frame of mind- but is there any chance he could have been hoping for some quick action withthe OW if she exists, on NYE? Is that why he kept disappearing, to try to arrange a rendezvous? Could he have made up a porky about having to be on call and gone away for a couple of hours?

I don't know ow you can keep quiet about them really- what if they fell out in the bedroom when you were there?

Men can be so dim. Rather than be caught with his condoms in his pockets at home- by you- why doesn't she keep a supply in her hand bag!

Sorry, but don't like the sound of this at all.

Rat smelling time, if he is nipping off out of the way - just have it out with him, ask to see his phone - and why would you not be able to see his locker (does he work in high security)?

OP - this must be on your mind constantly. I know it would be on mine if it was me. I am afraid I would have taken the highly undignifed course of action - shouting and bawling and asking him about the giftsets/condoms. You are being remarkably calm. I couldnt do it.

NO I agree!

It is very very odd! The alarm bells are ringing loudly for me.

What I mean is - the other night I was in quite a state. I have since calmed down alot (as in not shaking and crying but not calm as in relaxed about it iykwim).

There is no way I will confront him with what I have atm. I know him too well to know all I will do is alert him to the fact I am
a) onto his infidelity (which he'll deny without SOLID evidence and then make it harder for me to discover/proove)
or
b) a mad paranoid bitch!

I know I need more (if there is more). All I can do atm is be vigilant, get on his laptop as soon as I can and be more aware. But in general I feel alot less panicked than I was. I have "hope" atm that there is not as much to this as I first feared but after what happend 2 years ago - I am not foolish enough to just dismiss and not worry about this.

The other "alarm bell" is why the sudden need to have condoms at the ready in his pocket just for us when he never really has before!!

He is military so although I can get onto base I cannot get to where his locker is, although I could get the keys to the actual locker.

Dont fancy getting arrested trying to get to his locker!! LOL.

I have agonised over a way to get to his locker many times - 2 years ago I was bloody tempted and very seriously ponderd the possibility.

OP_ why do you need such proof? If he is being unfaithful, are you going to divorce him? If so, you do not need evidence of adultery. You can show evidence of unreasonable behaviour- and they are very lenient on what constitutes that.
Also, if you do divorce, and he accepts that, he may well be happy to admit to the affair if it exists, in order to get the divorce over with quickly.

If I were you and could afford it, I'd forget playing detective, adn pay someone to do just that- easier, quicker and more successful.

.

Just ask him why the hell he is carrying condoms around with him - have it out, evidence or not - I'd be mental by now if it was me

Are you still shagging him?

He must think you are very dim - or he is very dim - if he doesn't think you might spot the condoms in his pockets.

I often put my hands in DH's pockets (grin).

Sounds very suspicious to me. Having a job that means being 'on call' = numerous opportunities to play away and not get caught. There is no explanation for carrying condoms around other than having sex with someone else.

I don't know what to suggest practically though. Maybe get a bit more evidence so he can't convince you you're being paranoid when you have it out (because that's what he will do)

(I think you should just have it out with him, but) you could tell him you've come down with a nasty yeast infection and you'll be out of action for a couple of weeks while the medicine kicks in, and then see what happens to those condoms. If he's still transferring them from trousers to trousers, I think you can safely say they aren't intended for you.

To be honest though op, I really think you're hoping for the best when the signs are all there to say he's cheating. Must be so hard for you, though, you really do have my sympathy. What a rat.

Gutted, it's horrible to be living with doubt & suspicion like this (I've done it!) Please try not to let it go on for long - or the trust you've been rebuilding will shatter and you'll be back to square one

I'm not as quick as most others to assume the worst. I think I wrote, I'd usually say trust your instincts but they do go a bit haywire after a betrayal.

Wandering off during a party is the sort of thing I do when drunk ... is it unusual for DH, or does alcohol make his legs restless, as well? What I'm trying to say is: don't fall into the trap of seeing 'evidence' in everything! It could even be that he needed to get away from you watching him like a hawk

I really think you need to say "How come there's always a handful of condoms in your pockets these days?" And ... I think you need to shag him. Just do it, you might find everything feels safe again after that.

I really wish you luck

OP,

You have to ask yourself what you actually want. If you have lost trust in your husband and want to divorce him, just get divorced. There is no blame in divorce these days and his actions will not affect your settlement.

If you want a confrontation but to keep your marriage, just confront him, say you know what he is up to and that if he does not immediately cease his affair, you will divorce him. If he denies it, just reiterate your ultimatum and tell him you are not buying his excuses.

On the third hand, if he is otherwise a good husband and loving towards you, you could choose to turn a blind eye and wait for his infidelity to peter out in its own time (as it almost certainly will).

Whichever of the above you choose, I just do not know how playing detective will change the outcome. All it will do is bring you to his level in being deceitful towards someone you are meant to trust.

I just wanted to say that I really agreee with the previous post which echoes my own.
It's not about getting evidence, it's about what you want.

Evidence implies you want to carry on being married- so you present him with evidence, wait for him to deny or own up, then decide what to do. it kind of puts you in a defensive position unless you need the evidence to start a divorce based on adultery. But you have that evidence already from his previous behaviour from what you say.

This is intense - so sorry for your upset.

Would you consider avoiding the confrontation, if you don't find more?

I like purplepeony's suggestion - if you feel you really need evidence before you can talk to him about it, then hire a pro to do your detective work - and focus on your own future.

Good luck!

you cannot get divorced on his previous. If you have 'accepted' it and it was more than 6 months ago then you would have to go for other grounds and if he is not willing it could be hard. He could divorce her and make out how unreasonable she is being by snooping all the time. Not really that important but when you have spent a lot of time and energy on saving a marriage once i can understand why you need to be certain before you leave.

I know that if my h cheated again i would want the evidence for my own peace of mind before i divorced him. If only to show everyone what a complete he was.

I have worked bloody hard to rebuild what he destroyed and i know that i would need proof before i threw it all way even if the evidence did look dodgy.

sorry meant to add that i too would employ a PI and accept what evidence was found. If it is none then accept that and move on.

I could not put myself through that awful doubt and worry time again.

Good luck and keep talking.

It's ok not to trust yet - even 2 years down the line, your trust has not yet returned. You've put the work in, but as you say, things are still not 100%. I don't necessarily think that not being able to trust yet, means divorce, but it does affect your choices right now.

A man in his position should be doing everything in his power to be transparent and non-secretive. Is he like this?

You don't trust him to come clean when confronted with evidence - you expect him to lie to you. So you understandably decide that you need more concrete proof before revealing your hand.

The memories of being lied to and deceived are probably still fresh and raw and this has provided a flashback. Your numbness is self-protection, as is your decision not to confront. You are protecting yourself from being lied to and deceived again.

It might help you to decide what you are going to do if your suspicions are founded. Did you tell him that a second breach would mean the end? Do you still feel the same way? Is it really important to you that he doesn't make a mug of you again? Would you rather know? Decide now on how you feel about those issues. If the answer to those questions is "yes" then don't confront just yet and wait to get your evidence.

If you on the other hand feel that you could forgive again - even if this time it means stopping him in his tracks before he's done anything - then confront.

If you stay together after this, recognise that you need help with your relationship. I don't know if you got counselling the last time, but your efforts together aren't entirely working.

.