partner is totally preoccupied with sex..what was hot,now is NOT

[Littleblue]

Im in a distance relationship,we have been together over a year.What was a very intense sexlife has reduced in intensity,as it is wont to do in any relationship once over the honeymoon period.
I have major financial worries and my libido has dropped,but his obsession and constant referrals to sex(he doesnt feel loved if im "cold")Im going off him rapidly but we were very close and loving.He asked me the other night if "this was what happened to my other relationships"..!st of these he is referring to,my partner of 10 years dropped me for my best friend,2nd,he turned out to be severely abusive...My new partner had obviously had a train of thought involving my perceived "habit of going off sex" as the cause of my previously violent situation.

i think im going to arrange a weekend away with the kids..go see my sister etc and get some headspace..i work from home as well,i think cabin fevers setting in and its making me a bit mental!

Yes i have..ive done the assessments re alcoholism etc,i dont have any of the symptoms of a disease state with booze,i just lean on it..hard.I know it makes it harder to think clearly,when sober,makes stresses greater.emotions and logic all screwy,i now that.My mother gave me an insight into why i do that when left my violent exe,the first thing she did was give the kids alcohol to soothe them,the teens that is,they were 14 and 16 ish at the time..my eldest son drinks alot,as teens have a wont to do..but hes very aware of what he calls the 'alcohol as medicine' mentality,and skinny art student that he is,hes taking up karate soon to get another way of working stuff out and off..

Is it an inability to think straight generally,or when i was squiffy i wonder..dont think ive caved,i will keep an open mind with him til after the weekends over ONLY because of the state he got in,and how he accurately heard,and admitted what he does wrong.Hes not a stupid man and he thought long and hard over christmas about everything that i had said..so il see if he can put his money where his mouth is.If he was all berk i wouldnt have got into a relationship with him in the first place,and singledom may well still be imminent,but thats ok,if thats the result,im not going to fall apart,quite the opposite.

aww look after yourself, lb

I think that is really what you should be concentrating on

remember that a relationship should make you feel good about yourself, not send you spinning off into nutterdom

it should make you feel calm, quiet and not be hard work

He says he talks so much about how much hes attracted to me because my self esteems so low,im about 3 stone overweight,largely because ive drowned myself in beer for the last few years..but im not good at being told im sexy all the time,hes understanding now..that bit,he called himself a sex pest and a twat..he says he comes out with the stupid stuff from his own insecurities..and our baggage weve brought into this relationship,most definitely does not match.
Im looking hard at how things are generally..im cleaning today,the house slipped over christmas and that does my head in...

I know it shouldnt be hard work,it wasnt before the last few months..im just prepared to see if he can come good on his words..and im going to paint tonight,im an artist see,and it puts me back together

'lb, have you been drinking love ?'

you had to even ask?

not really, expat

thanks for that girls..il take my dues on that one

maybe il open a chronic drinkers thread..we had one going a few years ago....

Yes i can,because its a distance relationship,hes not integral to daily life at all..
Mums awful with drink,shes got home so pissed before shes left the car open with lights on all night with little recollection of getting home,i never drink drive and ive torn into her many times about it

LB I hope you find the strength one day to tackle your issues and sort yourself out so you can actually be content and enjoy your life.

But for the love of God, in the meantime, don't waste your time with a man who doesn't love you or enhance your life in any way and who you don't love either or enhance his life in any way. Mutual dependancy is not a good reason to be in a relationship.

Agreed re my issues etc,but not on the love thing odb..he does love me,but more than i do him which is where the imbalance grew from,the fact hes capable of behaving like a total prick doesnt sum up the relationship entirely you know..but he doesnt enhance my life,and hes painfully aware of that,he worked that out for himself a long time ago..

Dittany,my mother behaves wildly irresponsibly with booze,but i dont think shes an alcoholic per se..she doesnt wake up needing a drink either,no dt's etc..or withdrawals..she uses it like i do,and yes,thats a pattern that runs deep,her mother was the same..she offered my little children wine with water for christmas lunch,they are 5 and 9 and i refused point blank,i got them so lovely fizzy elderflower stuff..shes a bloody mad woman some times!

re the berk..im almost clinically interested to see how it goes this weekend after everything that kicked off the last week or so..

LB: this man is giving clear indications that he is selfish and abusive, not just a 'berk'. The fact that he admits he likes you because you are unhappy and vulnerable is really gruesome, men who feel like this hate women, and men who admit it are basically announcing their intention to mess you up and then say 'But I warned you what I'm like.' Getting rid of him and his manipulative creepy bullying will make your life SO much better.
Have you read the thread about the poster whose ghastly creepy P insisted she spent time 'strokiing his hair and cuddling' when their DC were frantic to open their christmas presents? DO you want to end up like that?

He would like me to need him more..if ive given the impression he likes my unhappiness,im missing something..
As for the hair stroking,id tell him to go take a flying fuck at a rolling moon if he ever came out with shite like that.
Im hearing you ok?..i feel i have to see if hes learnt anything..i know at 52 the chances of him changing deeply are low to zero.
My 'gauge'of acceptable or even 'normal' behaviour is all fucked up,i know that..im 3rd generation that i know of of an abusive family..it carries on down,my daughters are safe as houses however,and will remain so.

You're full of excuses and rationalisations LB, when all you actually need to do is end it with this man.

No matter what he may say, he doesn't love you. He's just dependant on you, like you are on him. That's not love. Love is an action, not a bloody feeling.

and you're kidding yourself thinking your daughters are safe as houses. You are carrying on the saem pattern as your mother, and if you're not careful your daughters will end up just as messed up as you.

If you really cared about your children you would end it with this man and be a better role model to them.

'but i dont think shes an alcoholic per se..she doesnt wake up needing a drink either,no dt's etc..or withdrawals..'

Denial isn't juts a river in Egypt.

I set my daughters,and yes,sons the right example when i left a violent situation and we lost our home but had to to get out..they havent witnessed any of the shit rumbling with this one..
You have a point re dependency,i know a little about how attachment etc works..and your right,its excuses and rationalisation..but i dont get how love is an action not a feeling??!!

Dont tell me im a bad role model for my children,its private,the stuff im wrestling with,im devoted to my family,they have always and will always come first,ive fought for them and love them fully and deeply.They dont go through what i went through with my mother (il use that link thank you)..they never see me pissed,they never see me fall to bits,im quietly strong with everybody generally..if your getting an image of a booze soaked harpy wafting around the placedripping tears and disappointment,you couldnt be further wrong i can assure you..