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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner is totally preoccupied with sex..what was hot,now is NOT

282 replies

Littleblue · 15/12/2009 06:53

Im in a distance relationship,we have been together over a year.What was a very intense sexlife has reduced in intensity,as it is wont to do in any relationship once over the honeymoon period.
I have major financial worries and my libido has dropped,but his obsession and constant referrals to sex(he doesnt feel loved if im "cold")Im going off him rapidly but we were very close and loving.He asked me the other night if "this was what happened to my other relationships"..!st of these he is referring to,my partner of 10 years dropped me for my best friend,2nd,he turned out to be severely abusive...My new partner had obviously had a train of thought involving my perceived "habit of going off sex" as the cause of my previously violent situation.

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overmydeadbody · 31/12/2009 16:20

Don't worry LB, that's not the image I had of you, but children are accutely aware of their parents true feelings and yours are probably picking up on your current troubles and unhappiness, and if you left this man you would eliminate some of them and so be able to be a better more genuinely happy mother to your children.

Real love is about how you behave and what you do for the person you love, so in that way love is an action. If someone really loved you they wouldn't do things to hurt or manipulate you or try to control you or put you down or not respect your wishes and feelings. That's why real love is an action.

A man who controls his wife but proclaims love all the time doesn't really love her at all, the parent who clims to love their child but completely smothers them or doesn't allow them to be independant doesn't really love their child, the woman who emotionally blackmails her boyfriend and acts gealous and fragile and dependant doesn't really love him, these are all examples of acts of dependancy wrongly assumed to be acts of love. That's what I mean by love not being a feeling.

Because love isn't a feeling. It goes beyond that.

Littleblue · 31/12/2009 17:38

Ok point taken,ive had my mother leaning on me since i was barely in my teens..something im pathological about avoiding with my own children.Im hearing you loud and clear on dependent behaviour.And going back some in this thread,i mentioned ive kicked away at some of the tactics other people in my life use,not just him.
Thank you,that was very well put :-)x

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Littleblue · 31/12/2009 22:43

Thoughtful, on everything thats been said,quite a dash of cold water,and especially after reading that link..

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Littleblue · 01/01/2010 12:58

I think ive had some kind of awful christmas carol-esque vision..
My mother went out for New years eve with 2 couples,friends,but her own partner cried off,as he often does..so she invites his stand in,this poor little fucker who has been in love with her for years,she uses him and wont admit it..so he sits there like a 'lumpen blob' and she gets 'drunk and nasty'..proceeds to fall out with her best gf there..and then this guy tries to kiss her in the car..thats only the gist,il spare you the toe curling minutae.Reminded me of a steve coogan production..
My mum ,by the way,is a politician..scary innit

She could have come here,me and my daughter chilled quietly,i only had a little bit to drink,wasnt bothered,but i can see from the link..and less self deception,im someone who doesnt just have a bit of a problem with drink..i have drink problem.The other night,when i was all messy,id had 3 stellas and 2 bottles of wine..and i wasnt even 'that'drunk..ive a tolerance that puts me to shame,as has my son,so theres alot of hard thinking going on here atm,man aside..i need some help with this.

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WhatFuckingYearIsItAnyway · 01/01/2010 13:07

littleblue, that is some hell kind of tolerance to alcohol you have there

I am a regular drinker but never quite manage to finish one bottle of wine in one session, never mind two and some extra wife-beating juice (stella)

I hope you have had your light-bulb moment

Littleblue · 01/01/2010 13:24

Yup,il add though,thats not a regular thing,but xmas was rather excessive..ive a mate,who has been on the wagon for 7 years,who counsels AA groups..she doesnt think im an alcoholic,cos i can happily drink one or two glasses and leave it..she says alcoholics dont have an off switch..
(lol at wife beating juice)

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Littleblue · 01/01/2010 13:24

I spent years telling myself im not like my mother but...

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PirateCatintheXmasHat · 01/01/2010 13:27

this thread started on the 15th december. You were really strong minded, and clear headed then, DON'T let go of that!!

PirateCatintheXmasHat · 01/01/2010 13:28

surely tho, alcohol IS a problem when is becomes a matter of discussion.

it is the fact it is an issue at all?

Littleblue · 01/01/2010 13:30

Its an issue i only stopped drinking daily when i got swine flu...

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Littleblue · 01/01/2010 14:07

Il read back through from the beginning..remind myself where i was at..i know what my gut feeling is,and if i were talking to someone else in my current position,id know what i would say too..i need to take a long and very indepth look at why im unhappy generally,and why i find it so difficult to be single...its hard to admit somethings gone wrong when we were sooo close before

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expatinscotland · 01/01/2010 14:10

i promise, your life could be so much better without booze.

jeni7 · 01/01/2010 14:28

Alcoholics CAN sometimes control their drinking to an extent. It's a progressive disease, and some people have progressed further than others.

I can also just have one or two drinks and leave it SOMETIMES. But sometimes I can't, I get drunk, even when I promised myself I wouldn't, I invariably behave like an idiot and feel ashamed and dreadful in the morning.

That's why I NEVER touch alcohol anymore. I spent years kidding myself that I could control my drinking because I knew I had the 'off button' your friend talks about. Sometimes.

The fact that you can drink two stellas and two bottles of wine suggests to me that your 'off button' is not fully functioning LB.

I'm not judging you, not for a second. I've been there. But I do know that sober I am a better friend, mother, daughter, add whatever you will to that sentence.

Sending you loads of moral support LB

Oh yeah, and ditch the dick-head!

jeni7 · 01/01/2010 17:12

I think that to say ALL alcoholics have no off switch is quite misleading actually, are you sure that's what she meant, because she could inadvertently be feeding peoples denial with statements like that.

There are an awful lot of highly functioning alcoholics out there. Look at David Yelland (is that his name?) you know, bald bloke that edited the sun newspaper. He was in the full throes of his alcoholism all the time he was doing that job, and his colleagues never even knew.

I really hope all this isn't coming across as if I know exactly where you're at with booze, because of course I don't, just wondering if any of it is helpful or rings a bell, because if it does, you have my deepest sympathy/empathy.

Although some alcohol counsellors do make the distinction between alcoholism the disease i.e. meaning physical dependency, and alcohol abuse, i.e. problem drinking without physical dependency, I personally feel it's murky water with too much overlap. I mean, if your drinking has negative consequences for you but you carry on doing it, surely that would imply a degree of dependency?

My very long winded point is that you don't have to drink every day, or even every week, or even vast quantities of alcohol to have a drink problem. Focus on consequences. And then decide for yourself.

expatinscotland · 01/01/2010 17:45

Excellent posts, jeni.

I couldn't agree more!

LB, I really do hope you have that lightbulb moment. That moment where you say, 'Me and my life and my kids are worth so much more than this.'

Littleblue · 02/01/2010 09:12

Thanks Jeni,i think my friend was comparing where she was at with drink (lost her kids/house/job/husband)with where im at with it..i hear you re overlap and dependency etc..im sitting here now,sober as usual until very late in the day,only wanting tea,and possibly toast :-)..but come 6-7pm,il want a drink "to wind down"..i have troubled sleeping and relaxing etc,my debts are huge and my day is loooong.
Ive been drinking in a habitual manner for many years,but have likened it to smoking more than alcoholism..another habit i used to have that served a similar purpose.

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Littleblue · 02/01/2010 09:13

At the moment,life without wine in the evening is a grim prospect,how shit is that.

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Anniegetyourgun · 02/01/2010 10:04

Well... if you're drinking the cheapish stuff at a fiver a bottle, every time you don't open one you could say to yourself "that's another five pounds I've saved towards the debts". By drinking only two glasses a night, thus stretching the bottle to last three nights instead of downing it in one, you've saved a tenner, and so on. If you're drinking classier wine you can double those figures. Not to mention Stella is expensive stuff so what, another couple of quid a can - it mounts up. In fact, if you tot up how much you spend on the booze in an average month it would probably frighten the life out of you.

I was amazed at your wise son who is going to take up physical activity instead of drink to relieve tension - a student, no less, when many behave like idiots just because they can. You really have done a good job with them.

jeni7 · 02/01/2010 12:27

Yes I completely understand how life without a drink can appear unthinkable.

I felt I'd never be able to socialise confidently again! And a glass of wine or three was my 'treat' after a long day with work and the kids.

All I can say is that the sense of confidence or relaxation booze gives you is a false one. You do not manage better socially when under the influence, you just think you do.

Christ, I really hope I'm not coming across all preachy here. But when alcohol is a problem for you it is sooooo disempowering. You are in a weak weak position every time you have a drink.

My advice is just take the plunge and STOP. There is never a good time. Just do it, and access whatever support you think might be helpful.

Take back control over your life LB. Ditch the berk and the booze.

Littleblue · 03/01/2010 14:24

Thanks Annie and jeni..re the berk,its over.

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Littleblue · 03/01/2010 15:10

Jeni,i really appreciate your posting..you obviously have beaten this,thank you.:-)

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AnyFucker · 03/01/2010 15:19

are you ok, lb ?

Littleblue · 03/01/2010 16:56

ish x

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dittany · 03/01/2010 17:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleblue · 03/01/2010 18:42

Warning..those of a weak stomach..do not read ..
I set myself up for a fall,because i know how malleable i can be..so really,it was him i set up,but it meant i 'knew'..he came up friday,full of 'ive learnt my lesson,im an arsehole yadda yadda..we made love late friday night,he had been sensible enough not to push etc..it was close,loving and everything you could want.then i came on that night..no worries.Then he helped with the family etc saturday morning..we go to the flicks that night.
At this point,il mention,my house was child free..this is akin only to a meteor shower..ie,rare..hes kind of chuckly about the irony of that..but goes to sleep without sighing TOO much for not having sex.
I didnt have a good night,im perimenopausal and having a horrible time with periods,felt like shit this morning..uber rough,yanno?
But in the morning,we snug..i make bacon sarnies and coffee..etc..then he springs outta bed for a shower..cos i rubbed his back,whilst curled up with cramps/migraine..and he got horny..i then get the whole,"i need to feel wanted..loved like a partner,not father or brother(i want a blowjob/wank)...im not disgusted with myself,because i knew i needed him to hang himself with this if that makes sense..he said it would only take 2 minutes to make him happy...his words...after he said before that i shouldnt do sex stuff for only his benefit,it should be mutual

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