oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

yes, ugh

My MIL tried that crap with me years ago.."you are the woman, it is your responsibilty to remember all the birthdays, send all the cards etc etc etc, men just shouldn't have to do it..."

what utter bollocks

this isn't the 1950's, ffs

bugger, you spoiled it again, OP

"it must be me"

STOP IT

dimbo i know how you feel-really i do

my DH is the worst christmas/birthday present buyer EVER and he ALWAYS leaves it until the last minute after ALOT of nagging from me. HE expects presents on christmas morning and in return i expect to be given just a little thought. presents/gift giving (or not in our case) is not a deal breaker in my book. my DH doesnt cheat, lie, hit or abuse me. he tells me he loves me EVERY DAY, he is an amazing dad to our DD and he pulls his weight(sometimes) around the house. he works very hard and provides for our family so i dont have to work full time (i do work part time for 25hours a week) he is just very crap at gift giving

this IS NOT something that i would leave my DH for whilst pregnant especially.

i basically tell my DH what is expected and make sure he gets something nice for me as i KNOW there would be blue murder in our house if he didnt get what he had asked for my DH was very spoilt as a child so i understand why his behaviour reflects that of a spoilt little boy sometimes.

maybe tell him what you have bought for him and then say he can have it IF he puts some thought into what to get for you and THEN buys it. it is not materialistic to ask for a token of his appreciation after a hard year where you undoubtedly work just as hard as he does!!

stick to your guns and make sure he treats you to something nice!!

'Apparently good men get with me and change into selfish twunts, so it must be me. '

C'mon, you know that's bollocks!

And you're back to the ol' rationalising, 'Oh, it's only once a month.' 'It's only one day a week.'

If this man is basically a good man and a good OH and all we are talking about is a blinking present then forget it. Lots of people don't get presents. If you are going to feel like a martyr, 'I just want him to be happy and I'll sit here smiling beningly with my halo of sainthood wishing I could have something' then tell him. No need to be hysterical. Simply. 'Darling, I really want something to unwrap this year it would make my Christmas special'. End of, no nagging..and wait and see. Or if you don't want to then, on one of those playschool mornings, treat yourself to something a little decadent..coffee and a cake out somewhere, a big bubble bath and a glossy mag and say 'Merry Christmas' to yourself. I, for one, wish you a very happy one..grit your teeth, enjoy what you have and remember that you are special..you're someones mummy..that's pretty darn huge!

Some of these posts, as a mother of daughters, sadden me immensely.

As the French saying goes, 'Better to walk alone than badly accompanied.'

Dimbo, your dh could make you a card with ds helping.

My dh did that one year when we were really skint. I treasure it still - best present I ever got.

Likewise, I made dh a card - the same year he made me one. It is up on the wall, framed. He goes all gooey-eyed every time he passes it.

This doesn't have to cost much, just some paper (mine was; dh's was card), a bit of glittery stuff, some glue. Lots of time and planning so the other person doesn't get a glimpse until the day.

It really is the thought that counts

He could do that, Jux, but he never would.

Because he's thoughtless and selfish and childish.

Wow. I hammer it home to my kids every single day that they are worth so much more than that.

You don't need to leave him. Of course you don't.

But you do need to put yourself a bit further up his list of priorities.
If he doesn't know how to give worthwhile gifts (i.e. thoughtful, not expensive "stuff") then you need to teach him.
And yes, keep back the gift you've got him and say he can have it once he's given you yours. If he accuses you of being mercenary, you can calmly say that you both know that's not true but the deal remains.
He needs to learn and you need to teach him.

Could you not write to him if you find it hard to talk to him about it and he finds it difficult to hear.

Doesn't have to be nasty or blunt just to the point.

Dearest DH

When I don't receive a birthday or Christmas gift from you it hurts me so so much. I don't need you to buy me an expensive present, or even actually buy something. I would like to see evidence that you think enough of me to give me a gift or voucher or something tangible that I can unwrap.

When I see you spend money on yourself, such as going to stay with friends, or x y x, or x y z and have not thought enough of me to keep back £5 or £20 to buy or make me something it makes me feel that x y z is more important to you than me.

Please would you think about what I've written and try and understand what I mean and the talk to me about it another day perhaps on x

I love you which is why I make the effort to get you a gift that I've put time and thought into I would love to have the same done for me.

"Dimbo"

jeez

panda "my DH doesnt cheat, lie, hit or abuse me. he tells me he loves me EVERY DAY"

Panda, I love you There. now I have done it too. It was a bit tricky as I had to do the star things around each word. But at least it means I don't have to expend anything else meaningful on you.

WASH MY PANTS

And leave me to my x-box (that goes for you too dimbo) and stop moaning. It's not as though I bloody hit you is it? Some wimmin have to take the boot. get a life.

By the way, I love you. Every day.

btw bring me back some chips while your down the docs getting your coil fitted

Suffragettes, railings...they might as well have been at KFC

OP, I haven't read to the end but when you wrote 'it's the only game his friends play at the moment so buying a different game would defeat the object of letting them play it together' I thought you were talking about your son. I feel so for you. Even if sometimes/mostly he is alright towards you, this is a rather strange relationship and imbalanced against you.

seal i think you really need to stop belittleling the OP!! there is no reason to be so aggressive in your posts! some "wimmin" just dont care all that much about material gifts. it is enough to have a token of appreciation.if i have read the posts of the OP correctly, she has said she was ranting and it is up to her if she wants to speak to her H again about this. i cant speak for the op but MY DH is a good man and is not an abuser and coming from a family where my dad is an emotional abuser and my mum (still) lays down and takes it, i think i know the difference.
you have absolutely no reason to be mean and to put down dimbo and now myself. she posted here to have a rant as she was feeling emotional and wanted to vent her feelings (which she is perfectly entitled to do BTW) she hasnt asked you to go on a personal crusade to make her feel like she is crap for sticking with her DH whom she says she loves very much etc.

is it so terribly awful to stay with a man who, while he loves her and her DC, doesnt always think to buy a present? yes that may make her feel like crap but it is easily remedied, if the OP so wishes to broach the subject with her DH.

dimbo, FWIW I would like to share something.

My father was a horrible abusive man. He beat us, badly, and was emotionally abusive to myself, my siblings and my mother.
I say was as, although he is still alive, I haven't spoken to him in 6 years.

My DH knows all about my father and for this reason, even if in a lousy temper and really pissed off, never shouts at me, gets in my face or does anything to make me feel uncomfortable as he knows this would upset me.
yeah, he isn't perfect, but he will always buy me something, even if it's a plastic omelette maker for 1.49 as I am rubbish at omelettes and always ask him to cook them. Thought, not money. Do you see?

I am not saying anything about your other half, I just think you possibly have a very skewed view of how relationships work having seen your parents with each other. My mum managed to leave my dad, not until after i had left home, but she still did it, so I know that men do not treat their partners/wives/mothers of their children like this.

You need to tell him how you feel about this. I would never, in a million years, have had this sort of conversation with my father, nor would my mother, because I know how he would have reacted, and yet I am able to tell DH anything without fear of his reaction. That is the most important thing, IMO, in a 'grown up' relationship, not what they do round the house or where the money goes, but can you talk, really and truly, without being worried you might upset him?

Sorry, that's a bit rambly, not even sure what my point is, but the fact that your father was a horrible twat means absolutely fuck all with regards to your relationship with your OH.

There have been years in our marriage where dh and I have agreed to exchange only token gifts because money was tight but for him to continue to give you nothing due to poor planning just seems off.

I wonder what kind of message this will send to you dc. I agree that to some extent the gift giving is all about the children but mine certainly like to see what others have received as well. I am fairly certain that they would be confused if their father did not offer me anything whatsoever...

I am not entirely sure that getting even by returning his gift is the solution because you certainly have the moral high ground. Your dh does not deserve you. I hope that you are being honest with yourself about his positive attributes.

At some point in my childhood I figured out that my mum filled all of the stockings and it made me very sad that my dad couldn't be bothered to find anything for hers so my brother and I took over the task but I always wondered why my mum should be the one to think of such thoughtful stocking stuffers while my dad had the secretary choose and wrap something cheesy for his wife. These things do not go unnoticed by children.

OP - Well I've just had this argument with my DP. he didn't get me a birthday present last year, and this year looked to be going the same way. (my birthday was on Friday). I did mention it, as (like you) I just think a small token to show you care goes a long way.
DP ended up getting me a present (a jumper) and I'm thrilled. He said he just didn't realise how important it was to me, as it wouldn't bother him in the slightest not to get a present.
It does suck though doesn't it? Feeling like you're bottom of the pile, last on the list and the one who loses out all the time. I know, I felt the same way.

Don't get him a present and if he wants Xmas dinner he can cook it himself.

ok

OP, I have a tiny small piece of used fluff here for you

half wrapped.

Have you ironed my life?

Oh no, please stay, LSC....

Oh I can't stand tight men but none of them like to spend money do they?
Still- why are you with this guy. He sounds like a miserable sod. Presents don't have to be expensive. It's the thought that counts. Couldn't he even make you a present?

I don't think you should leave him btw-just nudge him in the general direction of generosity!

please try some tough love and do what someone else suggested -you are making his happiness more important than yours - why? don't get him a present - use the resulting discussion to ask why you are together and why is he such a selfish twunt

Ok I know some of you won't be very happy with my decision but I have decided to try and give him the benefit of the doubt and the chance to act like a decent bloke. I have a boots gift card that I was saving, and a few other bits of saved money which will total about £15 (I might bump it up to £20) - I just said to him "Look I know you're worried about money and I know you'd feel really utterly shit if you couldn't buy me a present this year, you know, as nobody else will be, so have this gift card and use it to get me something nice from boots"

Have accompanied it with a long email list of present ideas, lovely things like my favourite perfume, scented candles, chocolates etc so now I will get a nice christmas present which is still relatively a surprise (it's a looong list)

And if he still gets me nothing, or something crap, or comes up with with ANY other excuse as to why he has to let me down again, mark my words I will show him the xbox game, right before I scratch it to bits with a compass point.

7

adrian my words.