oh just announced he isn't getting me anything for christmas. Again.

[dimbo]

My oh always tries to get away with not getting me presents. He doesn't save any money, or keep track of his finances in the couple of weeks before the date.

Last weekend he went to his friends for the weekend which used about £40 - £50 worth of fuel - on the pretense of delivering a mobile phone to them. I have no issue with him seeing his friends but as we are quite skint at the moment and I know I am bottom of the priority pile I did say "you know it'd only cost about £4 to post the phone down? you'll be saying you've got no money to buy me a christmas present next week" he just tried to make out I was stopping him seeing his friends which was way off the mark.

And as predicted, after a nice weekend with his friends he's just said "I have a choice between buying you a christmas present or buying food and petrol and enduring your wrath again. Great"

I feel like I'm playing cliche bingo here! I knew he'd do it! I should add that I don't expect much - a box of chocolates or a paperback book, anything like that is fine, just to say here's something that I picked out for you. (I'd also be perfectly happy or even more happy with vouchers for backrubs, or for him to cook a meal for me for once, or something else that was free, but he'd never think to do this, and if I suggested it he'd say "well now you've told me to do that it's hardly a surprise, so what's the point")

And yes we are usually skint but I've managed to save and buy him a much coveted xbox game which was £35, and I know he's going to love it as it means he can play it online with his mates so it gives them an opportunity to stay in touch more (they have headsets on and chat whilst playing)

It's christmas, it's not like they change the fucking date every year! it's not hard to keep a fiver or so back. To me it just says that he doesn't care, I'm not important, and he doesn't want the hassle of having to get me anything. If he was remotely bothered about me he would have saved something (He forgets that he comes home and tells me what he bought from starbucks or mcdonalds that day instead of taking sandwiches, despite me buying lunch ingredients in)

Also, he keeps reminding me that he he has to do secret santa for some bloke at work. It fucking sucks that he's probably going to buy some bloke he doesn't even know in a back office a christmas present, and not even get one for his own partner.

Anyfucker, I've said some pretty unkind (if true) things about his mum etc, plus he'd see all of this as a big overreaction, and claim that he really doesn't have any money and I'm ten types of greedy selfish cow for wanting a present when he's skint. I know he's skint now, but he wasn't last weekend when he chose to spend the money on petrol to go see his mates.

www.bacp.co.uk

Attila we can't afford anything like that, but thanks for the link. I'll wait for my NHS appointment, it must be coming up soon!

"Dittany he never uses any money. He doesn't buy himself anything except lunch, fags and petrol for the car. His wages go into his account (and leave again shortly after) child tax credit and child benefit go into my account and I pay for things like electric, gas and bits of food".

So quite apart from him being parsimonious he is also spending far less than you are monthly. There is certainly a large financial imbalance here.

Where are his wages actually going if they leave his account soon afterwards?

OP (change your user name!) - I heard some excellent advice given out by the awesome total dude of a college chaplain at a wedding in my university college.

This chaplain has been around the world a lot, particularly before he was ordained (so has seen and done more than most chaplains) and if anyone could be qualified to give out advice on how to make life work, it's him.

The advice was:
TALK TO EACH OTHER AND DON'T HARBOUR RESENTMENTS.

Your DH sounds immature and frankly a bit of a twit when it comes to money. He is hurting you over and over again about it. But if he's immature and a twit, as opposed to actually a horrible person, he's not going to be picking up your signals or where they're leading (a suitcase for him).

So tell him calmly - in an email that you take a week to write, if that's the only way you can do it without it feeling like a confrontation for both of you.

Tell him that it's taken a long time for you to get up the courage to say this, but that you feel presents - and the thoughts behind them - are important. He is hurting you. He can save a fiver and make the effort, and you see the effort as important, because it represents his long-term committment to making all of this work. and you are sure he's committed because most of the year he is awesome, it's just this saving money/ lack of foresight thing that is getting to you.

Then stand back and see what happens. You'll have got your point across. It's then up to him to act on it.

I'd ask him to wrap something free or homemade and see if he'll rise to the challenge. Tell him making no effort whatsoever hurts your feelings, and that you want your DCs to grow up seeing their folks care about each other as well as them.

It's really easy for us to casally scrutinise your self-esteem and much less easy foy you to begin to address it, but I do agree with posters who've said watching you accept this kind of loveless behaviour could have a really negative long-term effect on your DCs (as your parents relationship did on you). Very best of luck with the counselling, will your hubby go with you?

Everyone here is on your side, so if you do make any tough choices at some stage, ask us for some virtual support!

greedy selfish cow....

would he really use those words to you ?

or is that just your own shorthand of how you think about yourself ?

you are really not painting a good picture of him, tbh

what sort of responses did you expect to to get from your OP, out of interest ?

did you expect you were going to turn it round 360 degrees and start defending him against just about every comment ?

when your Op was pretty negative

do your friends/family like him ?

BACP

General Enquiries: 01455 883300

These poeple do not charge the earth, at the very least speak to them on the above matter and see what they have to say on the matter.

Waiting several more months potentially for the NHS to get around to see you is not really an option.

Attila, his wages go in, and the rent, council tax, internet, BT, car insurance, dental insurance, water, tv licence, various debt payments etc go out. He also pays for petrol, his fags and his lunches out of it, and the majority of the food shopping. It's pretty much all spoken for at the moment.

I get 1/5th of the money he gets which is why it only goes on little things. But the money is pretty much pooled, and neither of us spends it on unnecessary things, we're too skint for that. However I am always able to get presents for ds and him, because I either save, or sell things to make it happen. He could do the same.

You say you go to his family for Xmas each year. Do they buy each other presents?

Perhaps you could google free counselling in your area? I used to work for a charity which offered this, and heard of many others.

Or even contact Women's Aid, as a survivor of domestic abuse yourself- they might be able to point you in the right direction.

Lunch at Starbucks every day or Mcdonalds = £5 ave.
@ 5 days a week in a usual 4 week month thats £80 a month.

Ciggarettes at around £5 per pack, even if he is only buying one pack every two days thats 15 x £5 in an ave 30 day month, which adds up to £75 per month.

So in total he is spending on average £155 per month on himself.
How much do you spend on just stuff for yourself?

You said you buy him ingredients for his lunches. Stop it. Save that money and use it on yourself.

As a bloke I have heard of this "no presents" thing several times and I just can't understand why people (men or women) do it. If you're skint then agree a limit. Its not the amount of money its the thought that counts.

It does make me angry because in this day of online shopping you don't even have to get off your backside!

As i put on anther thread I have bought my wife tickets to see Paul Maccartney in London. It has cost an absolute fortune, but we can afford it and I know she will be absolutely thrilled - and its that last bit that means far more than the money.

Dittany no I don't drive or smoke, or spend money on anything really apart from clothes and toys etc for ds. My one "indulgence" is that ds goes to playschool twice a week because I'm a better mother when I get a break now and then.

itsmeolord, where did you read that he goes to mcdonalds or starbucks every day?? once a month perhaps! I'm just saying that it's unnecessary when we have things to make lunches at home. I know it's nice to have a treat though, I certainly wouldn't begrudge him going there for lunch a few times a week if we had more money spare.

dimbo, there is clearly nothing wrong with your relationship so stop wasting everyones time

Reup, they buy each other gifts but (just my opinion) the gifts aren't thought out or suited to the person, they're quantity rather than quality, like 4kg of nasty foreign chocolate no-one will enjoy rather than a small box of thorntons for the same price. I think they go in any old shop and go "got to get something, that'll do" - for example remote control cars for a woman in her forties, an mens action dvd for grandma, a helium balloon to piss off a man who hates helium balloons. (Oh they all thought that was hilarious, I didn't really get it but ok - to me presents are suppose to be thoughtful and make people smile)

Despite me telling them for years now I am highly allergic to bath products, every year I get smellies I can't use (and I thank them, and say "it's a shame I can't use them though, why don't you keep them and get the benefit of them?")

And all the men in the family are pretty much let off from present buying as it's assumed that's women's work. Mil calls me to arrange sending cards or presents to her side of the family, not dp.

I think we should give the Op a break now, tbh

She has had a barrage of incredulous replies on this thread

I think her head must be spinning

I don't quite understand what kind of responses she was expecting, I suspect a "there-there, aren't men just twits" kind of attitude perhaps ?

But now the whole fabric of her relationship is being questioned and its gotta hurt...

OP, have a break and come back to this thread when you have digested it. We will be here.

ugh

I don't know what kind of responses I was expecting to be honest, I just ranted and clicked post. I don't think there are any perfect men out there you know. Apparently good men get with me and change into selfish twunts, so it must be me.

Thanks AF, I was going to say I have to go do dinner and bathtime now anyway. Thanks for all the responses on the thread, even if I don't agree or can't comply I appreciate you taking the time to read and post.

Gosh those presents are very strange. Maybe youve been let off lightly not getting anything!