Thanks for all the wishes.
I'm up at 1am again. I still wake at every noise in case DS needs me so when the git goes to bed I always always wake up. Then normally, like today, I have some thought or other about what he's been doing downstairs for hours and I feel sick, and can't get back to sleep so have to sit up, try to purge the thoughts before I can relax enough to sleep again. Sometimes I sit here in bed playing solitaire on my phone trying to think only about that and to block out my bad thoughts until I'm so exhausted I drop off.
1 year is a scary thought. I'll have a 9 month old baby or thereabouts. Where do I want to be? Back with H, working on things, changing myself and being a better person. I know I have some fault in our breakup - I think he does too, but the difference is that for the first time I have really really seen it and want to change. I've needed to go to counselling for years and was so scared, so to go to the GP and admit how I was feeling was huge for me. I want to change for myself and my DCs, but also for him, and that makes me feel sad because part of me already knows that he has lost all respect for me somehow and that he will never love me again.
Where will I be? exhausted and alone probably. But stronger I hope. Still in counselling, if the NHS lets me, I hope.
He agreed the other day that we would start going to relate now. I asked him for 2 things. Firstly that he would organise that, once a fortnight, and secondly that he would bring up his issue of communicating with me with his counsellor. He doesn't seem to care that he can't do that, and he doesn't seem to care that I need to have some understanding of why he gave up on us to be able to move on. Like others, I at least need to be able to communicate with him without all this pressure, for the sake of DS. He's a good parent, and we need to be able to keep a clear line of communication open to make sure we stay on the same page with how we deal with DS.
I hate the way my emotions are controlling my body. My whole digestive system is controlled by how I am feelings, and it makes it much harder to switch things off as once that has been kicked off, I have to wait for it to pass before I can carry on, even if I can do something about the thoughts that started it.
Maybees - I know what you mean about being damaged before all this started. H and I both have serious issues with our childhoods and it has taken this for us to start looking at them properly. The idea when we started it was that it would help our relationship too, but since starting counselling H seems to have drawn away from me even more completely. I thought he was drawing into himself but what really hurts is that he's turning to other people, and that makes me feel worthless. I've given him so many opportunities to open up, shown him (or at least tried, and I think I succeeded) that I can discuss things without shouting or getting hysterical but I get nothing back. The blank wall is there, but its only for me and although I know I haven't always been nice over the years, I don't feel like I deserve that.
I feel like a fool for letting H be the only one I opened up to for so many years. I've let people slip though my fingers - good friends - because I've been so immersed in him and DS. I thought he would always be there for me - that things weren't great but that they were bound to be hard with all the changes in our lives and that we had a good foundation of love, so we'd work it out. But I was wrong, and trusting and stupid. He gave up on us before even trying to talk to me properly.
Arggh. This is how it always is for me - like the energy it takes to have a good few hours leads into a slump that just takes me lower than I was before. I just hope that the anti-depressants kick in soon enough to help that level out. Doc said about 2 weeks and that will be thursday.
At least I'm going out for a while tomorrow. Going to meet a friend at the park for our DSs to have a play, and will probably have a rant, but we're only really developing a close friendship now so I feel restricted on how much I feel comfortable saying, especially in front of the boys.
Need to figure out a way to stop these nighttime stresses