ALL NEW Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Come in here and chat about erection-texts, lechy lecturers and getting the painters in.

A big thanks Mumfun & Maybees, I really appreciate the kindness here.

Just delayed babysitter as I've still not showered or done nails!! I'm just going to get my arse out the door. I was brought up in a v catholic home where you only had sex after marriage blah, blah, blah so it's probably a throw back from that (I didn't even do casual sex in my youth & here I am a mother of three..............

Ok, I'm just going to try & detach from the sadness & the catholic doctrine & just go..........

Will report all later! Enjoy the choc & pj's my fellow dumplings. Big hugs to all struggling newcomers.

Waves to all, am back, deed accomplished . Am glad I went ahead, even though it's not going to go anywhere longterm, he's v nice & safe as in completely trust worthy.

Hope all other dumplings feeling ok.

Glad your home safe and sound
Had a rather exciting evening myself,fell asleep on the couch at half 8 , just woke up ,checked MN on my phone,ate the rest of my chocolate and drank another cup of tea
Nite nite x

Hi Maybees, glad to hear you had a great rest.

Startingover - that's brilliant! So glad you enjoyed yourself.

I slept tonight! 10 hours on and off, and DS is only now waking up. Then H will have him for the day and I am going to be good to myself :-)

Hi Chairmum, really good to hear you've been sleeping, it'll give you the strength to cope better. Hope you manage to have a nice day today. I used to find it a lifesaver to meet a friend or do something nice.

Puppy rang last night to make sure I was feeling ok about everything, he's very respectful. Even if I'm making a mistake heading in this direction I know I couldn't do it with a nicer more sincere person.

Just to clarify he's not friends with exh (exh knows we've been friends for years), but they have regular contact through something. Anyway he never mentions dc's . Also something I can't discuss on here but found out something else v v . I had already been told this by police but think I'd slipt back into denial. It's amazing how our minds can go into denial despite evidence to the contrary.

It's probably all good though, will give me the push I need to get on with my own life & will also give me the strength to handle court case at end of month.

I have to give up the image I can still have of the kind caring H & father. He's not that person anymore & it's vital he doesn't have access to dc's for now.

Waves to all ............

Dear all,

thank you so much for your kind words! I apologise for the silence since Tuesday. I very often don't have the opportunity to get on the PC every day, so please bear with me if there is silence for a few days in-between... I am still here.

It was so nice to read your advice and kind words. This week has been really tough. I have still not found anywhere to live and I have to be out now in one week. I ordered the boxes and have spent the week running around like mad, trying to find a flat, and packing things. I bought stickers: "Green for your things, yellow for mine, and red for stuff to go into storage"... It just breaks my heart.
Earlier in the week, my ex-DP suggested I take this grotty flat in a council estate. I told him that I really didn't want to lie awake at night fearing for the yobs to break in whilst DD and I are sleeping. He just said, "Well, you're a tough cookie." And when I asked if he might consider that I am feeling a little vulnerable right now, he answered, "You're fit; you're pretty and you can run fast." What is he THINKING?!

In terms of seeing the full picture of why our relationship broke down. I know there is more to it. He said to me that he believes he is not the person who can make me happy, I told him to speak for himself. What he means is that I am not the person who can make him happy. He thinks I always critical (which I probably am). And that I don;t respect him (which in my mind I do). It is such a mess, but surely, if he were a grown-up, he would take the mature route and go to councelling?

I am so mad with him, and yet, I smile and make dinner in the evenings and pack the boxes and ask him if he wants the printer and say that he can have the TV, because I am a bloody MORON.

Sorry folks for the rant. It's a week worth of stored up anger

Oh lis, glad to hear you are being pro-active but my heart really goes out to you. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be losing both your home & relationship together.

Keep your focus on moving forward. I would advise you to take the things you want & don't be too soft. In hindsight I was way too soft with exh, left him away with murder. Don't give away anything that will make life easier for you & dd. Also remember that money might be tight for awhile & that it might be hard to replace some of this stuff. I'm not saying to screw your x over, just to put your own needs first.

Sending you big virtual hugs & hope you get new accommodation sorted soon. I would detach from everything x is saying. Actions speak louder & you are right a mature person would at least give counselling a shot before breaking up family. .

Am off to chipmonks with dc's . They're all excited.

I'd always ignored the NPD stuff so far, but I've just read the 'daughters of narcissistic mothers' site and it rings so many bells it was a bit of a shock.

When my mother's bi-polar was worst she had two distinct personalities. At times she was, or acted like a good mother and was caring so I am wondering if one of her personalities had / displayed the NPD. I know it sounds odd but her conflicting behaviour was once of the worst things about my upbringing, and it helps to try to understand what was going on.

whoops. that was on the wrong thread.

Too much crap going on in my head today. Think i should have tried to go out, but at least I am taking DS out tomorrow. Just have to decide where.

All moving forwards lis ,keep posting here when you get a chance.My H would say some stupid things to me too and I think Smartie is right it just eases their guilt over the pain they are causing.
Slipped into a weepy day 2day,seems to always happen at thw weekend ,start to have irrational thoughts re H cos I am going to see him.Dreamt he was out drinking last nite with OW.Most of the time I can detatch and I am so proud of myself but just cant handle him being so happy and relaxed when we are left here in such a mess.I feel like a knife is stuck in my belly most days if I let myself go there ,so I just keep fighting it.But he is just whistling Dixie and acting like he has done nothing wrong.I'm not angry today just really sad.I really need work,nursery etc to keep me on track,Wish I could move on but H tells me he will always love me and needs space to sort himself out.Basically he wants to go out to pub when he chooses and has put that b4 me and dcs.Counsellor told me the "Love you"bit is just him keeping his options open.I said I would do this til we got counselling which hopefully isnt long now.I just want to move on cos I dont think he will ever choose to consider my feelings ,really mixed up day for me.Not really eating properly at the moment and I think its catching up with me,asked H to take dcs out 2morrow dont want to spend time with him when im down ,big hugs ,take care x

H got back earlier and I've just slowly gone downhill since then. Being with him just eats into me and now I'm torturing myself with more thoughts of what he has said/is saying to other people, and whether he went with / met anyone when he went out this afternoon.

I know I'm setting impossibly high standards for myself but I just feel I ought to be able to cope better somehow, even though I don't have anyone to be able to rant at properly (as if my horrible torn up feelings about H confiding in the friend that had been supporting me aren't enough, she's now had something go badly wrong with her, so I can't really lean on her at all).

I haven't done anything physical today, just lazed around doing admin type jobs and I know H hates it when I am like that. He has never seen any excuse for not getting out and doing stuff as good enough and I know that how I am feeling at the moment is probably making him want to be with me / talk to me even less, but I can't help it. I've never felt as depressed as these last few weeks and I'm frankly amazed that I'm keeping going with DS, and yet I still feel like a failure in his eyes.

And I'm feeling awful because I really don't feel like I'm bonding with this baby - I'm too full of fears for the future, wondering how I will cope with it all. I know I will have do, and physically stuff will get done and everyone will be ok, but I feel like he's taken away my chance to be the parent that I could be if I had the support, and I hate that. And he's taken away this baby's chance of bonding with him properly, the chance that DS had. If its anything like DS, it won't be able to be away from me for more than an hour or so for months - how is H going to get the same bond like that?

This has hit me physically again. I've eaten well today but now for some reason I feel weak and shaky but too wound up to sleep (have to wait for DS to be ready for bed too as he won't go to sleep without milk if I am at home).

Sorry for the rant but I feel like I've got to get it out somewhere, and everywhere else is closed

maybees - you need a hug as much as I do I think.

Anyone want to be friends on facebook for more misery support?

Chairmum - are you pg an been left? I was left at 38 weeks pg, she's 9 weeks old now

fb me - stephanie croxton. I'm looking face on, fringe, brunette

Thanks Miaow,how daft is that.I just had a day cos I dreamt about H being an arsehole.Think I can put a lot of it down to living on dairy milk for the last 24hrs.Just drove by him this afternoon and my mind went into overdrive about why he was where he was, anyway - turns out he actually can be wherever he likes ,he just chooses after 15yrs not to be with me
Also had to put myself into intense gossip cauldron this afternoon cos of work.Everything fine then H turned up to take kids for a few hours ,they probably had just got the story out when H arrived ,probably choked on their coffee and home baking.Anyway I was completely oblivious to it all whilst immersed in my chocolate" come down." 2morrow is another day so at least I get another chance not to be a sad arse .I just hate waking up all bluesy
Meeting friends with a group of kids ,2morrow morning .We meet once a month and im away to start on a scrap book we're doin.Lots of photos and stuff.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference Amen

ps Miaow dont do fb x

That should read" I dont do face book" x

maybees - I know what you mean about waking up sad. It makes the day harder

scorps - H is still in the house but not for much longer. We're supposed to be getting some space but I'm not hopeful about the future (not when I'm being realistic). I'm 26 weeks at the moment and very scared about the next 6 months or so.

Writing that last post though did help - just releasing the feelings sometimes stops the churning going round and round. So I guess I'll keep posting and repeating myself if I need to. I will get through this, I will be strong for my beautiful DS

Ok just a thought , no pressure for anyone to post a reply - just makes a girl think.......
Where do you see yourself in a years time

For myself I will not be in an abusive relationship.
I will have distanced myself from H emotionally if he cant show that he can be mature/respectful enough to be in a responsible loving relationship.
I will keep my "zero tolerance"to all twuntish behaviour.
I will not feel guilty for ending my marriage if it remains broken.
I will be working towards becoming financially more successful as dcs both at school by aug 2011.
I will be a year forward in my emotional development ,improved self esteem and healing from past pain.
I will be better educated not to repeat abusive relationship patterns
I will be more stable emotionally.
I will look after myself and check on how I am doing often.
I will take dcs on regular adventures to experience life.
I will be further down my road of recovery and possibly found new COCK to play with x

Hi Maybees & Chairmum, so sorry to hear you both had such crap days. All part of the course, I had plenty of them. Sending you both big virtual hugs.

Maybees, I used that discription so many times when I was talking about exh to friends "exh used to be acting like he whistling dixie", while I was in bits. Chairman I wouldn't be putting up any front, show h exactly how vunerable you are at the moment & how devasted you are by how things have turned out. Same for you Maybees you can't be expected to behave as if it's business as normal when your whole world has been ripped apart.

I would also suggest that you both try to take a little power back. Don't be sitting around waiting for your H's to make the decisions etc.. They've made their decisions so you need to take back some of the control. Don't be waiting for them to beg forgiveness etc.. It's actions speak louder.

I certainly wouldn't be allowing them to keep their options open while they are treating you so badly it will only destroy your self esteem. It's you H's failure that has caused the changes in relationship with dc's, not yours. You should also look at this in a different way your dc's will be spared having someone who displays such selfish behaviour as a full time role model.

X post. Chairmum, I have repeated myself over & over on here but it deffinately helps to release the sadness & pain. Keep posting.

Maybees, wow, a year from now....

My number one wish will be to have found a way to continue my counselling degree course

I would also like to say that I would love to see dc's having access with exh but being realistic it might be better that they don't so I'll leave that one to the gods.

I will be legally separated
I will have finished all court cases with exh
I will be financially secure
I will have at least gone on a few dates with someone I really fancy!

Will add to this as more pops into my head. Am being distracted by eldest dd at the mo.

Something else that has just popped into my head. I can't believe that you can be divorced in a year in the UK. It's going to take me 5 years to be able to get a divorce..........

Two more to add to my list.....

I will be emotionally recovered from the kick in the bolloks I got from exh........
I will have made some new friends to replace the ones that abandoned ship or behaved like fukwits.....
I will no longer give any headspace to exh

hey everyone hope you are all well this evening. I haven't managed on much at all my head has been all over the place plus I have been having a big clearout...starting to feel organised now which is important to me as I can be a bit of a control freak and I feel I have no control over this shit situation.

I hear ya Startin' just think next few weeks will throw up some new boundaries for us .I am still emotional on days i know I will see him.So 2morrow he can take kids out for the afternoon and I will do my own thing.Couldn't have done that 6weeks ago ,H was too mixed up ,he wasnt working and he was still drinking loads.I agreed to go to counselling with him and part of that is knowing I can look back and say I tried my best.He might not even talk ,thats up to him but I think its important to try even if its to learn better communication skills for co parenting dcs.Not going to put my life on hold for H and probably not attracted to my H in same way because of our seperation ,both different people .Have accepted a lot re the state of my marriage and today was more like grief rather than denial.Realistically he has to accept the pain he has caused me,before I can ever move forwards and rebuild any trust .I think part of him is growing up but that he is making that effort for dcs ,not me .Part of me thinks realistically a relationship will always be on his terms

What will be, will be ,patience obtains all things.

I cannot be that bullied wife anymore,I cannot be the wife that takes 2nd place to alcohol.That is what separation has done for me and the days I dont see him I manage ok.I celebrate my new strength.
But 15yrs is a long time to love and care for someone and just switch off those feelings.But time and space will help sort my family onto its right path.We are going to be on this bumpy road for a few more months and I doubt H will be able to run and catch up with us TBH.But I have to keep on driving for my DCS .We are never goin back to wot we had ,,,,,NEVER!