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Original poster

Srtraw Poll - What's wrong with sleeping with somone on the first date?

195 replies

Janos · 30/11/2009 13:41

I think if you want to and feel comfortable, what's the big deal?

It still seems to be a bit taboo and I'm wondering why.

Interested to hear other people's thoughts anyway.

OP posts:
Unlikelyamazonian · 01/12/2009 18:56

um you are making ridiculous assumptions.

so statistically women and men are supposed to make a fairly quick judgement are they?

Scene One: Two adults meet:
They both think: 'It is very improbable that this bloke/bird I just met in the pub/club/the Ritz/friend's party, and want to shag, has some kind of STD/is a nutter/married/getting revenge on her/his partner/is just terribly pissed/sad,' so given the law of averages it is more than likely to be safe to go back to his/her place or we just go out to the car and have pure sexfest. And as we are Grownups it is quite reasonable and indeed grownup and therefore nothing will come of it except a warm fuzzy feeling'

Yep.

lou33 · 01/12/2009 19:03

do you have personal experience to back all your pov's up UA ?

BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 19:16

Actually I've got something relevant to contribute here- I went out with a guy non-exclusively (on my part) for a few weeks and knew him for longer than that. He treated me like an absolute goddess, was very respectful and charming, not a shagger from the off, headed up a major charity and loved his mother. I enjoyed being treated nicely and thought he was a lovely guy, but backed off as I didn't feel any real romantic/sexual chemistry- basically I knew I wouldn't be happy to have sex with him in a committed relationship and not feel attracted to other people more. I thought he would make someone a lovely partner though.

And guess what? He is now on remand awaiting trial for multiple counts of rape and battery of prostitutes and women he met on trains.

What a nightmare if I'd got further into a relationship with him...nobody I've had sex with on the first date has turned out to be a crazed sex attacker. It's the quiet ones you need to watch.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:25

blimey BOF

did you get no clue from his behaviour with you that he was a nutjob ?

BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 19:28

No clue at all! He was well-like and respected, very gentle and sweet. Too drippy for me, tbh. I'll email you the news reports about it so you can see- I don't want to link on the web: last thing I need is the bizzies blaming me for rejecting him

Original poster
Janos · 01/12/2009 19:42

BitofFun

Is it quite a high profile case? Thank god you never got involved with him.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 19:44

Fairly- it was front page in the Regional papers, not sure if it made the nationals, but I would have thought so.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:49

ohhhh, how scary

and I thought I had known a few psycho's in my time

Original poster
Janos · 01/12/2009 19:50

UA that scenario above which you descrive happens all the time and nothing comes of it except two people have a good time.

What's wrong with that?

I fully understand that many people don't feel comfortable with the idea for themselves - that's entirely fine, each to their own (not that they need my validation in any case) - but I am quite taken aback and surprised by the level of anger in your posts about this.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:52

fuck, just read my mails

BOF, how bloody creeped out you must feel

that could have been you !!!

< re-affirms view that BOF has led an interesting life >

BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 19:53

Oh you know me, AnyFucker, I don't do things by halves

AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:54

I guess not

did he have any errm, peculiarities when you knew him

oh dear, ignore that....very poor taste

BitOfFun · 01/12/2009 19:58

The only thing unusual was his very small weenie

Did you see the emails of the reports?

AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:58

yes BOF

AnyFucker · 01/12/2009 19:59

small weenie huh ?

< strokes chin >

Rhubarb · 01/12/2009 20:32

I've been giving some thought as to why it's different for men than women.

From my own point of view, I view some men as animalistic. They want a shag, they must have a shag, they get a shag.

I always thought women more refined. That we could somehow see beyond the notion that sex is just a quick shag. Because for us it is a lot more intimate and we require a lot more effort putting into it than they do.

But I can see that I shall get nowhere with those thoughts since you're all a bunch of slappers..

Rhubarb · 01/12/2009 20:35

BoF, my dh could be described as one of the quiet ones. He always used to feel quite bitter that the arseholes, as he put it, ended up with the girl whilst nice men like him never got a look in.

I'm pretty sure he isn't a closet rapist/batterer though.

Just a lovely lovely man

expatinscotland · 01/12/2009 20:41

'um you are making ridiculous assumptions. '

And juxtaposing people who engage in consensual sex soon after meeting, date or no, with serial murderers like Fred West isn't ridiculous?

I wasn't looking for warm fuzzy feelings when I had flings and one-nighters. I was looking for a good seeing to.

SolidGoldBangers · 01/12/2009 20:51

UA: an awful lot of the time, people who meet and have mutually consensual sex have just that, and go home feeling perfectly content. A fair amount of people who withold sex until they can swap it for 'commitment' do all right out of the deal, but a fair amount of them end up in hideous abusive relationships or indeed dead (don't forget, two women a week are killed by their current or ex partner).
If you don't find casual sex fulfilling, don't engage in it. But what you are posting is utter rubbish.

Unlikelyamazonian · 01/12/2009 20:54

BoF's experience is what I mean. She could have ended up under his patio.

Isn't it just stupid to say 'yes it is fine to shag on first date?' You want a good seeing to? Go for it!!!!
Of course its not ok but it depends entirely on the circs doesn't it?
I'm not angry at all. It's just plain stupid to say 'yep girl, you go for it. Trucker you met at Heston Services has texted and you are meeting for a coffee tomorrow? Bang his brains out woman! Go for it!'

EllieMental · 01/12/2009 20:57

reader, I married him. 15 years ago.

HerBeatitude · 01/12/2009 21:02

Are you actually reading the posts UA? The point about BoF's experience, is that he wasn't a one night stand, not a shagger from the off.

You don't seem to be paying any attention at all.

SolidGoldBangers · 01/12/2009 21:12

UA: if you are now adding internet dating into the mix, that's a slightly riskier hobby, but people who do that should (and usually do) take sensible precautions such as meeting up in a public place and telling someone where they are going.
And 'respectable' women sometimes end up under the patio as well.
You are sounding as though you think it's women's own fault if they do get assaulted by men.

expatinscotland · 01/12/2009 21:16

Rape isn't about sex, anyhow.

It's about dominating and controlling a person and stealing from them one of the only things that truly belong to them by force.

winnybella · 01/12/2009 21:19

Just asked DP and he said that if the guy has to wait/work for it a bit than it may help him clarify his feeling towards the girl, as opposed to, say, shagging her for two weeks and then realising he's not that into her, which can be more traumatising for her.
He says that he would never, ever, judge a woman if she slept with him on the first date or just for sex, though ( read that as he would be delighted ).