Beautiful's Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether we were dating, cohabiting or married, we are now to use therapist-speak well effed-off about the whole business and are desperate to regain our fabulosity.

Well, this is the place! This is where we regain our positivity, our self-confidence and eventually our mojos. We might think at the moment that we'd also like to regain our men, but that might not last long, as we'll soon realise that anyone who could put us through this does not deserve us.

Come in and start regaining your brilliance! I will be setting us exercises to complete that are based vaguely on self-help books, beauy tips and Feng Shui, or we'll just have a right good bitch until we feel completely drained and sick of the sound of our ex's names. Whatever works.

Hi Beautiful - I lurked on your other thread and need to join you on this one!

I too am 38 and have been dumped from a 10 year marriage. The dumping happened 6 months ago. Ironically though I am ginger with big boobs so that can't be the reason I've been dumped!

Sorry to hear everyone elses stories. There really are some knob jockeys about.

So, what next? Can't do the dating thing yet - still breast feeding ds2 and xH isn't about at all to give me any time to myself.

Will plod on an keep off the gin. My goal - I want to be able to buy a house for myself and dcs. Not quite sure how I'm going to pull this one off though.

Its still very early days for you lamby...don't worry! Know it's such a cliche but time really does help.

I think for me the best thing has been the redecorating (knackering but kept me busy and now I have things how I want) and flirting via pof/cosmo dating. The feeling that knowing someone else might be interested in you is lovely

lifeissweet - your xp couldn't cope with the 'baggage' of deafness? And he's a musician? Does he really need his ego massaging that much?

Hi Mavis! Does your XH not see the kids at all???

Hang on hang on hang on

Weren't you telling us all that we should be submissive wives or something and this was absolutely the right way to carry on a relationship?

I'm really sorry that your relationship has ended of course and I'm glad you're finding the support you need.

But I'm sure the right model for relationships isn't to put your own needs/wants bottom of the pile every time.

I'm finding that I'm letting stuff slip a bit at home. Before ex left, I was very good at being organised and doing the FlyLady stuff. Now, it's slowly creeping into messiness...

For example, the sitting-room is still untidy from the DC playing in it earlier. The kitchen is mainly OK as I had a good go in it this afternoon, but there is a huge pile of washing.

The upstairs spare room is chaos and my bedroom needs a bit of a spruce-up.

The garden is full of leaves, the dishwasher is broken and the boiler needs looking at. I could get ex to help with these as he is all "I will still help you with stuff" but I'm too proud.

Plus, I'm going to bed later and later and I never seem to have a moment for myself. In the evenings, when I should be working, I'm so tired and miserable I just sit and watch TV fo hours - flicking channels restlessly - or MN.

I'm also moking too much, except now i've run out and of course can't leave house to get any more so am now forced to qut till tomorrow am!

It just seems that ex gets the easier life. He has every evening to do whatever he likes, only has the DC every other weekend, and has 1/3 of the chores. I'm stuck with EVERYTHING ELSE.

Mutha I will be throwing myself into work and other stuff from now on.

I would like eventually to do a bit of flirting online but am a bit scared of it as my xh somehow manages to find out exactly what I'm doing online. I'm not sure how he does it but I am a bit wary and that's why I've not given much personal info on myself as he's probably trawling mumsnet looking for any postings from me. I feel like he is watching me constantly and knows what I'm doing/thinking. I know he can't know everything but I have been living in a climate of fear for a very long time. This does not help my present situation.

Quattro -- That was a year ago, wasn't it? Why are you bringing that up here?

This could be a lifesaver. Split with DH of 12yrs last yr due to unreasonable horrible behaviour & a multitute of addictions. Went to couple counselling & he agreed to therepy etc & nodded in all the right places. I took him back only for him to revert to all his previous behaviours & scrapped therepy & counselling etc. Split again 2mts ago. Have been to hell & back. Just beginning to get somebit back on track & here's the thing. When I collected dc's today, it's been the first time he's behaved any bit normal. He went back to therapy & counselling 2 mts ago but he seemed to be getting worse all the time. Today he was crying & saying he'd made a complete f up of everything etc.. Oh dear God, the hope is back, help!!! Am I totally insane to even secretly be thinking that maybe it might work out?

Have done all most of the things mentioned below, can access his voicemail, email etc.. Don't do it anymore as am trying to move on.

For all of those struggling with emotional eating you could try taking up chain smoking like me but I reakon eating/weight is prob healthier.

Help, help, help

StartingOver am very sorry to hear your story. If your xh is an abuser, he is unlikely to change his ways. They are very good at saying/doing the right things to get themselves back to where they want to be, which may be back with you.

I'm not saying it's not genuine on his part but please be very careful because in my experience, leopards don't change their spots for very long (as you have indicated in your own story).

Please take care of yourself and think carefully and don't rush into anything.

Would like to jump onboard, though not sure I quite qualify.

I was the dumpee of a seriously deluded, jealous, control freak! Together for 2.5 yrs and as time went on I knew my life with him wasn't normal.

I became more assertive (went off the rails, he said) and when he threatened to leave as a result, I assisted him in his passage!

However, I did love him and do miss him but am feeling very much stronger now and don't ever want him back.

It's been 6 weeks for me and he isn't filling every waking thought anymore but I need to find positives to carry on the good work.

This is my wish list...

1. Find an interesting/useful p/t college course that won't bog me down with homework (kids taking all my positive energy now) and rightly so!

2. Decorate the house - almost all of it in need!

3. Stop believing at 47 I'm past it!

4. After Christmas, find a job.

So, I'll be watching this thread with much enthusiasm - it's just what I need right now, thanks!

Beautiful, I too go to bed later & later, as this is my time to be miserable in peace, mindlessly trawl MN, chainsmoke etc..

Slightly ashamed of this & can hardly believe I am about to admit to it on a public forum, but anyway here goes, I confess that I tried the meaningless sex thing with a friend (eager puppy type). Didn't do it for me apart from temporary distraction & great physical release, but don't think it's a good idea in the long run if there are no romantic feelings.

My wish list is as follows:

1. Lose 2 stone to look fabulous as my friends matron of honour next October

2. Finish those last few things that need doing in the house

3. Take the kids away to London for a few days in the hols nxt year

4. Maybe do a course...jewellery making or cooking I think

startingovernow... Your story is identical to so many others in that, as soon as you start to get yourself back on track - boom!, the ex changes his mind.

What did you say when he said that?

Is he off everything he was addicted to? Definitely? And would he be prepared to work to get you back?

starting....the meaningless sex thing isn't for everyone but it is nice to know someone thinks of you in that way and the release is good as you say!

Well done you Flashfried for ditching your xp. He sounds like a horror. Even though it's what you wanted, it's still a loss isn't it.

Your plan sounds good - I think I need one too.

Thanks lambypoo - he was/is a complete horror! I could write a best seller about his antics, I don't think anyone would believe quite how ridiculous his behaviour was! Maybe I should - write a book??

Arsehole he was but love him I did, so still sore and in need of diversions. I'm definitely not in the market for another bloke though - wish I was in that frame of mind, as would certainly make moving on a bit quicker/easier.

I love the wish-lists. Mine:

1. Get into a solid daily routine so I'm calm and organised for the DC, with everything done ahead of time.

1. Lose 2 or 3 stone so that ex realises I'm the most gorgeous thing in the world and begs to come ho... um, so I feel good about myself.

1. Get counselling, so I fix problems (low self-esteem, etc) that caused me to marry someone who wasn't bothered about me.

1. Start a life-drawing art class, before I forget what a naked man looks like.

Beautiful - lol at "forget what a naked man looks like"

I should add counselling to my list too - I'm not overweight, due to the lack of eating spell but need to realise that life isn't over cos I'm fortysomething!

Hello Beautiful!

Love your 5 tips!

Im in my forties with 2 lovely DC. Separated 6 months now. Not as devastated as at first but a lot of other sh*t going on makes life tough for me, Have had a lot of loss recently so loss of H not good on top of this. Find weekends tough.

Have done stuff to try to help - found local single parents group but havent managed to meet up yet. Finding it hard transitioning from couple social life to single social life. Need to make more friends to hang out with.

Best best thing Ive done is start salsa lessons at local bar with group of other women - love that. As similar dumped friend says you have to think about the steps and the salsa and dont think about current sadness etc. And its exercise!

I also have problem that H was love of my life - with him 14 years. And I was very independent person who never wanted to get settled down -but wanted to with him - and have kids- felt that I found some of myself by that and didnt lose myself at all till very recently.

So finding it harder than others to stop hope etc -even though he has OW. Grrr

I'm a bit of a see-saw on the New Men theory. Part of me thinks that it's too soon to be even considering considering it! But the other side thinks, awww fuck it, don't shag anyone, don't let them meet your DC but just go out for drinks or dinner and let them compliment you.

Thing is, XH was such a downer in lots of ways that I know a few coffee-dates would really help to erase his memory. EG, other men would probably pay for the coffee, say I looked nice, laugh at funny things and look like they wanted to be there. Not be a stingey, self-absorbed wet blanket.

It's awful, but right at this moment I can't imagine living a life without a man in it somewhere. And I never, ever would have ever said that before I was married. I think I'm having a panic that I'm getting too old to date, and that if I leave it all till I'm over XH, I'll be past it.
I dunno.

Thanks everyone.

Beautiful, I deffinately believe 100% that he would never have wanted relationship to break up. I think he genuinely thought he could do it last time but I don't think either of us really knew how mentally disturbed he was from untreated addictions.

I have no idea if he's really off everything or not. Time will tell. I didn't give him any reaction or hope except to say that maybe now he might begin to understand the hurt & pain he caused me & dc's.

Lambypoo, I have bought so many books on abuse & abusers etc but he doesn't fit any of the 'types'. I think his was more self distruction due to addictions & that I was unfortunate enough to be in the firing line.

Just feel today has made it so much harder. ~I was in the moving on phase & now I'm back questioning everything. One thing I'm certain of though is that I can not afford to take another emotional hammering from dh. I will just keep as much distance as I can for now & observe.

Mumfun - can I ask where did you find a single parent group? Might be worth a try for us (me and dc's) and a good way of making new friends. I feel like I only want to be friends with women ATM but agree with BEAUTIFUL - nothing like a bit of male flattery to make you feel better about yourself.

What a fantastic thread Beautiful!

Was dumped (for a mutual friend) by Xp back in March.Since then have had various personal traumas which peaked with my darling sister committing suicide 7 weeks ago.
HAs been a shit year and Xp is a twt.
Constant battles and emotional warfare-would love to think I could meet someone else but really don't know where to start or even if I have the energy.DD has to come first,I HAVE to work to pay the bills and life at the moment is a complete pile of sht.
Some very wise words here and "Beautiful"-your top 5 tips really are great.

whoosh re your sister