Beautiful's Road to Recovery for the Recently Ditched

[BEAUTlFUL]

Dearly Be-Chucked, we are gathered here today because, for whatever reason, our man has dumped us!

Whether we were dating, cohabiting or married, we are now to use therapist-speak well effed-off about the whole business and are desperate to regain our fabulosity.

Well, this is the place! This is where we regain our positivity, our self-confidence and eventually our mojos. We might think at the moment that we'd also like to regain our men, but that might not last long, as we'll soon realise that anyone who could put us through this does not deserve us.

Come in and start regaining your brilliance! I will be setting us exercises to complete that are based vaguely on self-help books, beauy tips and Feng Shui, or we'll just have a right good bitch until we feel completely drained and sick of the sound of our ex's names. Whatever works.

Lambypoo, can we help you with any of your problems? I'm sure if the rest of your life was nicely settled, you'd feel a lot better about your XP. As it is, he was maybe the one bright spot and, now that's gone out, you're upset about everything in one big lump.

Mutha, yes, isn't it? Do you know anything about chakras? Maybe we should Google it (instead of trying out all possible combinations of ex's name on FaceBook to see if he has a private page... um, not that I even thought of doing that)

Thank you beautiful how kind of you. Yes I think you're right, if the rest of life was OK i don't think this would have hit me so hard. It's when everything is shit that it gets difficult.

I think for me it's just time time time but I wish it would fast forward.

I just worry sometimes about how bad I feel and it's like I'm on the brink of not coping some days and that worries me with all my responsibilities. I get so depressed and low and tired, exhausted and feel ill all the time.

We'll get there won't we? I must believe in that.

I don't know anything about them but actually may google as it does sound rather interesting (and scarily right!)

(dont worry, i've done the facebook thing....though i actually know his email address and password but he hasn't used the account for about 2 yrs but am too scared that he would a) find out and b) think i'm bovverd)

2 weeks and 2 days ago. Yep - still in the days phase.

I am in temporary accommodation because I'm buying a house - which was something positive I decided to do to get over the collapse of my marriage. I am trying to focus on that at the moment to detract from the heartache.

I know what you mean about too much to deal with all at once. Things never come in small doses do they - it's like a whole world of shit pouring relentlessly down on your head from somewhere up above. If I let myself think about it I get overwhelmed with the amount I'm dealing with at the moment.. disabled DS, house purchase, shit time at work, problems with XH...etc. Why all at once?!

However, we are all here. We are all breathing. I like Beautiful's advice about a designated wallowing time. That is a good plan - I find I do that anyway. I'm a teacher, so I can't exactly breakdown at work - would be a bit scary for the kids! Half term's been tough, though.

Lambypoo - I think you're in a particularly bad place. Please feel free to talk about other stuff that's going on. It is all linked and it might help.

One day at a time...breathe in and out...

Go BEAUTIFUL!

I just had a huge rant on my thread (dumped, pregnant and friendless- says it all really), and it made me feel much better...Seeing it all down in writing strengthens your resolve, I find.

My situation is a bit different from yours though- it was a flasn in the pan, rather than a long haul....

I find inventing new sweary names for the X is a good one. Twatface. Nob jockey. Wankstain. Panda (eats shoots and leaves, geddit?).Arse monkey.

I have a friend who has just split up from XH after about 20 years....and for the FIRST TIME IN 20 YEARS she is properly dedicating herself to her creative work (she is a talented illustrator).

Meaningless, drunken sex with much younger pretty boys? (my old standby, but unfortunately am pregnant at the moment, so that's a bit out of the window...).

Quite easy to arrange on the internet so I hear...!

Also, big hugs lambypoo....caravans can be ace! If you feel that heating is inadequate as winter draws in, I recommend a nice wood burning stove (it's easy to cut a hole in the roof for the flue). It's much easier to feel miserable if you're chilly. Also, fuel can be free if you have the time or inclination to go a-gathering (fab child-occupying activity too- depending on DS' age, of course...)

MuthaH, I read your post on another thread where you described just "going with" any emotions you felt at any time. Where you described redecorating a room, then just sitting down and crying. Do you think that helps? I had thought it would, but now i'm moving towards just blocking out the negative and just soldiering on, acting "as if". Will it all just build up inside though, and come scarily exploding out one day? Or will it just leak away?

It does seem to happen all at once, my exp decided he was going to dump me around the same time my son was in hospital being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

I also have a nickname for him - Cock. (my exH nickname is sometimes knob....i sense a theme)

lifeissweet, your story is really getting to me. how did you meet your XP?

MuthaH, these cocks and knobs suggest another chakra of yours needs some attention...

Ha - yeah. I have always tended to do the sex as therapy thing myself. Did used to do the trick, but I am far too self-conscious about stretch-marked tummy pouch, laparotomy scar and cellulite these days....hmm..

..and yes, Beautiful, I do have him in the back of my mind all day like he's watching me. I wish I could shake it off, but I actually think it'll help to make me sort myself out. I don't want him to see me slobbing out on the sofa all snotty and red-eyed.

Strikes me that most of the men we know are firmly in touch with their bum chakras....

Ha ha Beautiful....funnily enough after reading about chakras I might have to agree...seems the only ones of mine that are 'open' are the heart and sacral (which from what I gather covers sexuality??)

I did try to hold emotions in at first but found it did come bursting out at times, usually when I least expected it (remember a colleague asking if I was okay at work and I just burst into tears). After that I just went with the flow.....the decorating one did take me by surprise as it was triggered by a song on the radio, I could have held it in but just decided to let it out and did feel better for it afterwards.

My Story, Beautiful?! Really not that bad.
I was with DH for 8 years and it was never right for either of us. He's a nice enough man, but we had nothing in common really and I felt like I was losing myself. After we split up I met XP. He was totally different and I still think he's completely wonderful. I can't help it. He just is!

He says he couldn't cope with DS (when I say he's disabled, he's only deaf, it's not as if it's a physical problem or anything) taking all my attention. XP is a musician so doesn't work normal hours or anything and I think he found my routine a bit limiting.

When it comes down to it, though, you can put up with things and make them work if you really love someone, so I suppose he just didn't. Can't say I blame him.

maledetta

I'm joining up!I'm 33 yrs old and my DH of 8 years dumped me 3 wks ago- obv still very raw/upset/confused/angry/sad....etc etc. Coming here tho has made me realise I'm not alone and you can get over this pain and that really, really helps!!!

Totally agree with you beautiful, my biggest enemy at the moment is 'hope' hoping he will come to his senses and come home. Need to STOP this now.

Gonna try and look forward now and not backwards and trying hard to remember all the crappy times we've had instead of looking back thru rose tinted glasses!

Roll on feng shui, self help exercises and in my case a bloody good moan!!

Ooooh, also interesting re the throat chakra which also has something to do with thyroid...mine throat charkra is underactive, as is my thyroid

Sorry to hear about these break up but as the great writer, Yazz, once wrote 'the only way is up'

Happy - Beatiful is right re the hope....I'm a bit of a pessamist sometimes so I thought things were well and truly over and he wouldn't be coming back - which I think did help a little.

I have also suprised myself by being a lot stonger than I thought....which friends have also commented on

MEETING NEW MEN

OK, I think the first thing we all need to do is start meeting more men. Seeisly. New balls, please.

It's very easy to get extra-upset over a split when you think that your ex was the last man the Universe will ever send to you. So we need to get out there and start signing up for online-dating, and those single-parent social clubs where they meet up for rambles, etc. We don't have to shag anyone, but we have to open ourselves up to the possibility of meeting New Men. And this will immediately throw us into a panic about our huge saggy guts and get us out of the fridge and into some lycra, thus solving the fitness problem too.

I've already been chatting to some men on Match.com and although I don't really like any of them, it has given me a lift. One rule: we don't any of it seriously at all. All the nice stuff they say to us, it's all bollocks - just salve to our ego.

I know you'll all sigh at the New Balls advice - especially lovely Lifeissweet who will think that nobody will ever be as lovely as her XP, and that every date will just be her sitting there comparing them negatively to him - but I just don't think we should sit around, fed up, for too long.

Other men are such a boost, they really are. Even if it's just a builder whistling to us out of his van, it helps.

I don't mean throw yourself into another relationship but let other males into our world, even just a tiny bit to prove to ourself that our ex wasn't our last, only hope.

So even just a coffee with a bloke off match.com, or talking to some single dads at a social event, anything. All very light and breezy, nothing heavy.

Or we can hurl ourselves into our work. Work is vv helpful as it makes us use our brains, therefore preventing repetitive-ex-thinking.

So, sign up for extra work, overtime, new projects, the stuff nobody else wants to do. Start your own company, make things to sell.

Oh fuck it, let's just all go on anti-depressants and wash them down with gin.

Does anyone else here find that they start the day positively then it all goes downhill from there?

Mutha isn't their timing just fab!? I told my xp that if only he'd left it a little bit later to drop his bombshell instead of right before house sale and xh being an arse etc. But oh no, he said he was thinking of me and not wanting to hurt me any more than he had to. Ha ha ha!

LifeisSweet it does amaze me how lame the excuses are for the dumping. Deafness, although obviously hard on you and your ds, is not the worst it could be (hope that hasn't come out sounding like I didn't mean it to).

Beautiful you are very brave going on match.com. It sounds like fun just a bit of flirting.

I often wonder whether there is a website dedicated to getting single people together in their local areas - not just men but ways to make single friends aswell. I don't have any single friends and so spend every other weekend on my own. No family around. If there isn't a website maybe I should start one.

You all sound like you are coping much better than I am. It makes me wonder why I'm taking it so hard.

I hope you're not all off texting your exes.