Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

Interesting points said eloquently - but do you not think that maybe everyone is just a bit too melodramatic about the whole thing?

I think sometimes people feel so trapped by the idea that they have to be monogamous for the rest of their lives because otherwise they will be burning in the fires of hell, that they feel the need to "break free" from what may be percieved as a lifelong obligation.

Sex is just one aspect of a relationship - there are so many other aspects to it that are equally if not more important (like - getting on with each other for instance?)

my advice would be exactly the same if it was a man. Whyever would it not be?

DO NOT TELL

Does noone else feel suffocated by family life work and a twenty year relationship sometimes? I know having sex with someone else isn't v clever and the sex isn't wasn't great but the feeling of freedom for a couple of hours was
my marriage belongs to my kids. I will bring them up in a loving home. But my life is non stop responsibility and hard work and although I love DH being married is suffocating sometimes
is it just about growing up. I just feel Iife is all ahead of my kids and all behind me and who I am has got lost.

Yup, this is it. I think it really is about growing up, and appreciating each day, and seeing the glass half full. And you don't have to break vows or betray a spouse to regain a sense of self in a twenty year relationship.

If things have got to the point where you feel your marriage belongs to your kids and you are a family unit just for their sakes, I would say take a long hard look at things, with your DH, and open better lines of communication. Having an affair is a way of avoiding the challenges of true emotional intimacy with your spouse.

handme- I had sympathy for you until I read that- you seem to be depresssed and looking for excitement. How can you say that your marriage belongs to your kids? Your marriage is YOURS and your DHs. Does it not make you happy?

I think you need to take a look at what is happening in your life- maybe a more equal share of responsibilities, and more fun with your DH?

Perhaps you need to ask why you feel suffocated? If you have lost sight of "you" then do something about it- go away with girlfriends, try some new hobbies,get some interests, down-size your job so you have more free time- move house if that means, sell up and travel round the world as a family- anything to get out of this rut. Life's for living- make the most of it.

Handmedown - everything you say makes complete sense. You have made sacrifices in order to ensure the stability of your children within a long-term relationship. This comes at a price, maybe of your own freedom, independence etc.

All the sanctimonous can crow as long as they like but - loads of people get divorced; loads of people have affairs; loads of people are just plain - creepy and sanctimonious.

Don't look to those creepy people for affirmation. Yes, marriage, monogamy (monotany even sometimes) is a long haul. Divorce is a long haul. The whole bloody thing is a long haul.

If it was all so great, there would not be so many threads on here about how miserable peoplea are in their marriages.

Handmedown, I totally sympathise with the pressure and druggery of long-term marriage but even still, I cannot dismiss cheating on your husband with a wave of the hand as other posters seem to be able to.

My dh is the first and only person I've ever slept with - we've known each other since I was sixteen - and believe me, there have been many times when I think, "Is this it?" but marriage is about two people committing to each other. I took my vows very seriously, (not sure I'd still be with dh otherwise) but having said that, I consider divorce a lesser evil than betrayal.

If I wasn't happy then I'd either seek help or I'd get out.

I still maintain that your dh has a right to know and decide for himself.

How do you begin to live with a secret like that?

Sanctimonous clap-trap.

I totally understand the wanting to escape normal day to day life. I feel I had an emotional affair almost a year ago but DH knew from the first day the OM contacted me. He could tell by my voice something was up. I had the chance to sleep with him but just knew there is no sex in the world good enough to make up for how I would feel after wards but more importantly how my husband would feel. I have no contact with the OM now and feel happy and lucky that DH stuck by me all the time.

helsbels,and this is in a totally non judgemental way to you (as i would hope you would extend the same lack of judgement over my thoughts on this) If you have only ever had one sexual partner it's likely that sex is very much imbued with your love for your partner and therefore you are unlikely to 'get' casual sex-it's really not such a big deal

"how do you begin to live with a secret like this?"

By a bit of self flagelation, followed by forgiving yourself, and moving on.

Lots of people have done it and there is a fair chance partners of some on this thread have done it

It's not relevant how any of us feel about casual sex, it's how her husband thinks of it that is the defining factor.

Pathetic whinging about the pressures of every day life, oh please, get the violins out!

Having a child with a terminal illness, having a husband out in Afghanistan, caring for a senile parent - that is suffocating pressure.
Life is what you make of it, people can have the most awful experiences yet still come through with strength and dignity.

You don't lose your identity when you marry and have children, but you do sometimes have to put others before yourself or compromise, your children are with you for a few short years - the rest of your life is then your own and you make it exciting or mind numbingly mundane.
Anyone willing to risk it all for feeling free for a couple of hours has bigger problems I fear.

Is it just that you feel guilty and need to confess? Why choose the person who will be the most hurt? Don't tell him, tell a priest! Or at least, a trusted freind who lives at least 100 miles away, so it won't get back to him, 'cos your friend would tell someone (in strictest confidence, of course) who would tell someone...

Although I belive in honesty, there is nothing to be gained here by telling. Your punishment for your crime is to have to keep it a secret.

I've just asked DH and he said he's rather not know - ignorance is bliss. (But now he thinks I've got something to confess )!

TBH people who are not too bothered about the occasional one-night stand generally have healthier relationships than the obsessively monogamous, who are forever flapping and fretting over the possibility that their partners might even think about having sex with other people. Sex really isn't that big a deal, or it shouldn't be.

Been an intersting read!

DH and I have both said if either of us cheated it would be over, neither of us would live with it. Will ask him later about this what he thinks - should tell or not I'm pretty certain he would want to know. Just asked and he would want to know.

I think it's silly people saying "it's not lying, it's just with holding information". Like her FH would think if his DW is cheating.

If you know your DH would want to know isn't that lying???

I know I would want to know if my DH has gone out and had sex with another woman! It would ruin everything, but just the thought of him lying about it and knowing him being with me with that lie in the back of his head the whole time

OP you need to do some soul searching as to why you cheated on your DH - we're you wanting to finally see what it was like with your old friend - and then didn't enjoy it? Had previous feelings? Felt unloved at the time? Wanted to feel attractive? Been bored and wanted to give it a go? Sex life has dwindled with your FH? Have you done it before with the old friend and known you can get away with it at the time?

thesecondcocking, I don't necessarily agree that my views on this and not "getting" casual sex are because I've only ever been with my dh.

If I weren't married, I'd get casual sex , no problem at all as long as both parties are willing but I believe that if you are married then you have made a commitment to one person.

If that's so hard to live with then either don't get married in the first place or finish the relationship before starting another.

To me sleeping with someone else outside of the marriage is the utmost betrayal.

Am quite shocked by the amount of posters that don't seem to see marriage as anything very special at all

hels your views are your own- but don't try to make them any one else's.
You are in a rather unique situation where you met and married a boy you met at 16 and have had no other partners.

Whilst this was your chosen way to live, it does mean that you cannot really begin to empathise with anyone who has lived l ife differently and has had broader experience.

I am utterly shocked at the sanctimoniousness of the posts here. You would think that this was the 1st time anyone had had sex with another person who wasn't their partner.

I am also amazed that some of you- and you know who you are- have the arrogance to come and preach about how you would live your life so differently, and paint yourselves as whiter than white.

You all seem to think that given the same circumstances as the OP you would walk away and not be tempted- well, all I can say to that is you cannot be sure of that, no matter how simple it might seem from your ivory towers.

None of you have hadything constructive to say- you all want her to tell and then live withthe fallout- which is laughable as that could mean a divorce which would be so bad for the children, all in the name of "truth".

All your posts show is your complete lack of understanding and a childish naivity where "truth" is some kind of answer to everything, which must be applied in every situation- and also you seem to take enormous pleasure in telling everyone here how you would never ever do anything like the OP_ well, bully for you.

hear hear pp.
doubt any of this has helped the op but it's been interesting, i asked my dp btw and he said it would be the end for us if he ever found out i had had sex with someone else.
I haven't done it,nor have i wanted to,but if i did i now know i could never tell him as he'd leave me and i am not complacent enough in my relationship to think that i will never,ever meet anyone i click with and find attractive.

I agree with solid - having sex (or even thinking about it) is not a big deal, or shouldnt be.

We seem to hold a sexual relationship as the most important one - for many people an open honest relationship is far more important - me being amonst them.

I think by with-holding something that you KNOW would upset dp you are in effect controlling them.

If you think it would not upset them then there is no problem.

This need not be the end and as the op has already learned a lot from her 'mistake' - she may find that it can actually bring a lot of closeness from her dp.
Just as the op will be 'different' because of this - so will her relationship be after this - whether she tells or not.

I know i would rather be judged for making a silly mistake than being a liar.

Look up everyone - I hate to say it but have you seen how many sites there are for married/attached people who are looking for other relationships?

In the interests of research - naturally - and with a Mary Whitehouse approach - I took a look at a few of them. They tend to be free for women, and charge a fee for men - which tells you something straight away.

There are thousands and thousands of people on these sites. Many of them profess to be "happily" married or at least in a stable relationship, yet all are looking for an extramarital relationship of one sort or another. The women tend to be looking more for friendship/emotional connection the men looking for - yes, no strings attached sex often!

Sorry, but in the real world the roses are not necessarily blooming around the front door. Some people opt to stay in a marriage but find solace with an additional partner than go through the trauma of a divorce with all the upset that it can cause to children not to mention finances etc. These decisions are not taken lightly...

The french, who I think take a more pragmatic view on these things, have an expression which more or less says that it takes more than one person (ie: a lover on the side) to be able to cope with the demands of matrimony.

To be honest, relationships are quite hard work, I just don't think I could be bothered with another one on the side. But that is down to practicality rather than any moral issue. I have to admit I rather grudgingly admire people who can juggle several relationships at a time - it must be such hard work. Divorce is probably an easier option in some ways, but not a better one, in my opinion.

It's the cult of monogamy that causes so many problems, because many, if not quite a majority, of human beings are not hardwired for lifelong monogamy. It it was the 'natural' way to live, it wouldn't need so much propaganda nor would it need to be so harshly enforced (and I do mean harshly: some people think they are fully entitled to use violence even up to murder to enforce monogamy). You don't need a whole industry advising you to keep breathing or going to the toilet, do you?
Monogamy, like romantic love, is really just another sexual fetish, and if people felt able to acknowledge this (and not consider there to be any moral superiority in monogamy, because there isn't any) then everyone would be much happier. That percentage who are intensely monogamous could seek each other out and settle down to a happy little life of constant surveillance and nervous twitching, while everyone else could just get on with having fun.

I cannot believe some of the sanctimonous garbage posted here. OP, don't even think about telling your DH. You'll have to live with the guilt and deal with it yourself because he is the innocent party in all this.

There are far worse forms of betrayal in a marriage than a single act of infidelity.

Like finding out that your DH had run up £30,000 worth of debt by investing in a scam that you had begged him not to get involved with.

And discovering that he had lied to you about his financial problems by claiming to have saved a family member from eviction by taking out a massive bank loan.

Like trying to forgive and move on, even though you realise you'll never be able to get on the property ladder as a result, and working your tits off for years by taking on 3 jobs at a time to keep a roof over your heads, and helping him to set up his own business so he could pay off his debts.

And then several years down the line, discovering that your ILs hate your guts because your DH had told them he was only in debt because you were a hopeless alcoholic who had drunk away every penny he'd ever earned, and were too lazy and incompetent to get a job.

Try keeping your marriage together knowing that your relationship with his family is iredeemably trashed, your only child will grow up never knowing them and your DH is a gutless liar.

I'd have very happily settled for the one-off drunken shag instead.

I don't think that everyone should be monogamous - I do think that if you are married then you should be. Don't want monogamy, don't get married, simples. Nothing to do with religion either, before anyone asks if I'm a rabid catholic.

Helsbels isn't unique in her marital situation, I'm exactly the same, as I'm sure many other people are. I am not saying it's the only way to live for everyone at all, but being in a monogamous couple means you don't have sex with other people! If you can't live like that you should not get together with someone who can.

I know I have never, or will never be tempted into infidelity. My husband has been tempted ( well he's been offered sex on a plate) , he's had women literally throw themselves at him, I know 100% that he has never been unfaithful because he couldn't live with himself if he had and he knew that he would lose me.
Some people don't "get" casual sex??
More like some people don't "get" marriage and what it stands for.
Casual sex does not equal infidelity - they are two separate things, casual sex is what you do when single, if that way inclined.

Don't get me started on the pathetic view that people in "open" relationships are stronger and more secure and healthier, the only thing they are is more selfish and less comitted.
If you have sex with someone else with the full knowledge that your partner would be destroyed, how in any way is that harmless?

I certainly don't live a life of surveillance and nervous twitching because I'm secure, anyone who would risk their family for a "shag" doesn't deserve sympathy or understanding.
I'm genuinely amazed that some people think that casual infidelity isn't a "big deal", presumably they wouldn't have a problem with their husband paying for prostitutes either?
If someone is unfaithful , they are telling you that you are not enough for them and they aren't satisfied with just you, what a horrible way to live - so many people willing to settle for so little.

Maybe it's the "cool" and the in thing now to not be monogomous in your marriage lol hey it's just sex Or just "cool" to pretend it's ok and no big deal.