Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

Very surprised at how many people are saying no don't tell him about your affair.

All I can say is goodluck living with the lie, I know I personally couldn't. I'd see DH and would feel like a total shit. There must of been a reason behind your behaviour??

How drunk were you? Did you use protection. If not you didn't or unsure for the sake of your DH get tested.

You need to ask yourself the question, "Would you want your dh to tell you if it was the other way around and he had slept with an old friend?"

If you have an open and honest relationship and you'd feel betrayed if he didnt' tell you but you maybe found out some time down the line then you should tell him.

If you have the kind of relationship where either of you could keep something this big to yourselves, then keep quiet.

Personally, I feel that you should be honest but that's just me

I couldn't lie to DH, I tell him everything. I think that you have to tell your DH and live with the consequences. Hopefully you can work through it.

What a crap dilemma. Wasn't worth it one bit. Don't get yourself into that situation again

no don't tell

Why do you want to tell him - because you hope it will make you feel less guilty, because you are worried he will find out anyway?

Only you know your DH. Is he likely to forgive you? If not then I'd keep it quiet. I see no reason why a one night stand should have to kill a marriage.

If you realy believe he would forgive you and would pace honesty above all else then tell him.

If you think you could live with your marriage being over more easily than live with the guilt then tell him.

If you think he could find out in any other way and would hold the secrecy against you more than the one-night stand then tell him.

Only you can answer the questions above based on you and your DH.

BTW, I sympathise hugely. I love my DH utterly and yet am capable of being bl**dy stupid after a drink too many. I've never done anything remotely like cheating but nevertheless that is why I never ever drink more than one small glass of wine without my DH present.

No, please don't do it. You are very selfish to tell. The only one who would feel better as a result of clearing your conscience would be you. You would devastate your DH, just so that you and your conscience would feel salved. Go to counseling, learn how to control yourself and respect your DH. Accept the pain of keeping this secret as the just consequence of your foolishness, grow up and rededicate yourself to your marriage.

Speaking here as someone whose exH told me about a fling because the poor baby couldn't live with his conscience any more, couldn't go on without my forgiveness. Couldn't understand why I was so very angry at having the hot potato dropped in my lap.

No of course not.

What would be the benefit?

hell.no

One simple question - would you want him to tell you if he'd been the one to cheat?

You claim to love your husband, doesn't he deserve the truth?

If you keep quiet you will spend the rest of your life in turmoil, wondering what will happen if he finds out.

The only reason I can think of why you wouldn't tell him is that you think he won't forgive you, am I wrong?

Getting drunk is no excuse for anything, in fact it makes the whole thing just that little bit seedier and nasty. It wasn't a silly mistake that anyone can make, it was the total betrayal of your marriage.
Snorbs has is spot on.

The thing is, you give him a horrible shock and then he has to reinvent his marriage alongside you, dazed and hurt and unsure, or choose the other option. Telling him is throwing a spanner in the works for absolutely no reason if it was just something you did while you were drunk.

Don't tell. I'd say that to anybody asking this, male or female, if they had made a one-off mistake that they had learned from.

It isn't going to happen again so why set off a bomb in your relationship.

Move on.

As hard as it will be to live with the guilt if what you have to lose outways the pros of coming clean then say nothing if it is a one off and never going to be repeated.

I'm not planning to tell. It was about me being stupid and selfish. I'm pretty sure he would forgive me but the risk is me making my kids lives miserable if he doesn't.
Living with a bit of guilt will help focus me on how stupid I was and how the grass isn't greener

This is interesting.

It doesn't sound as though you have the kind of relationship that truly depends on mutual respect and honesty - hope that doesn't come across as insulting but when you know you can get away with something like this, that tells me that he isn't that attuned to your moods, expressions and so on...in some relationships he would just know. And in others you would value his views on whether he thought it important enough to end a marriage over or at least get some counselling...

I cans ee that when it is a relationship where the stability of the 'family' comes first, it is better not to tell as yes, the kids will probably be hurt by it. However in a marriage where you are very intimate emotionally this just wouldn't work.

I couldn't hide it myself, but there are all kinds of marriages and families and whatever works for both of you is what you probably should do.

He may be happier not knowing. He may not.
You know him best. But I do think the fact you did it AND are prepared to lie about it indicates that your DH isn't someone you have huge respect for, not in an intimate sense anyway.

Hope that makes sense, I do feel for you.

Okay - I respect your decision, whilst not agreeing with it. You might want to think about a few points and keep a watch out for them in the future though.

Take notice if you find yourself:

• Feeling pity for DH
• Letting him off the hook for behaviour or actions you would have previously challenged.

A friend of mine did this and it led to years of really selfish behaviour from her DH. All that changed when they finally had an "air-clearing" session and she admitted her earlier indiscretion. It took their Relate counsellor to wonder whether my friend had been putting up with this behaviour as a way to atone for her infidelity - and it made my friend's jaw drop. She could even remember the first time she failed to challenge her DH for being rude and dismissive to her parents during a stay. Of course this led to other allowances she would never have made for him had she not been feeling so guilty - and she wasn't even aware until the counsellor pointed it out that she was doing this.

• Not enjoying sex as much with DH and finding that the dynamic has changed. Nothing to do with the sex with the old friend this, far more to do with your internal view of DH changing i.e. seeing him as a victim. Victims are not sexually attractive in most women's eyes and I'm afraid I do notice gender differences in this one, much as I hate to admit it.
• Resenting DH for your guilt i.e. displacing some of the awful feelings on to him.

Also, be really careful about how this affects your future attitude to infidelity. A huge taboo has been broken and most people will admit that after the first occasion of infidelity, the "permission-giving" process for subsequent infidelities is always easier. This is particularly true if the infidelity was undiscovered and one has never had to face the consequences. I do think guilt is always much more profound when you have seen the hurt it has caused. At the moment, you are imagining it - which is not the same at all.

I also have sympathy for your position and to err is human, especially after a few drinks. But I can't help wondering if a few years down the line, you won't recall that this was a message you didn't heed - I honestly think these things happen for a reason - and while it is no doubt comforting for you to believe that this was just a one-off response to a stressful time, I have my doubts.

I do agree with the concept that lying about it/ concealing it is going to erode your intimacy, respect and so on. I think it's also very bad for your 'soul' iykwim.

BUT if that intimacy or respect is already at a level whereby the marriage works as a practical arrangement, you rub along Ok and the kids are happy, it's not necessarily going to be so badly affected because it is already of a different sort/ less present as such.

Basically, horses for courses! But please make sure it IS working for you both before you dismiss the event and carry on in a top-down fashion, as if one or both of you i genuinely unhappy it isn't going to do either of you any favours to pretend it didn't happen.

I am truly gobsmacked at the amount of posters saying not to tell your dh.
Imo, if you are married then that marriage should be based on trust and respect and therefore I feel that the person who has been cheated on has a right to know. I know I'd want to know if my dh had cheated on me!
It's deceitful and disrespectful to keep quiet regardless of the fall-out of the truth being told.
If your dh decided he couldn't live with you afterwards then that would be his right and his choice but one that he should be allowed to make. Imo

despite the fact i wouldnt say anything in your situation, it would make me reevaluate the state of my marriage and how i got to the point of having a one night stand

i would use it as a v steep and harsh learning curve, which would either make me decide i was just bloody stupid and realise what i could lose, or that there were issues within my relationship that needed addressing making me unhappy

so you say you have learnt and would not do it again - why?

If you had been asked before this would you have said you would have?

I too think there was a reason for it and unless/until you address this the chance that it could happen again is still there.

I think your intentions are good to not want to hurt your h but i am not sure what is worse - finding out now and being able to deal with it or maybe finding out years later.

I'm Interested by no of people who think I should risk my family unit just so there's no secrets. Dh and I have v independent lives and have friends that the other has not necessarily met. My relationship does need work, any relationship that's twenty years old and has four kids gets stale and overwhlemed by day to day life when u both work
ID always envisaged us rubbing along together reasonably happily then picking up that closeness again as lifes demands ease and kids get older.
I suppose what happened is perhaps a danger of being too independent from yr DH and perhaps I need to rethink that.
However I'm not in love with another man and am not looking for love it was a break from the old routine I guess and a not particularly fufilling experience which again taught me something

I'm intrigued by your opening sentence there, bearing in mind I think honesty is the best policy. I would have thought you risked the family unit when you climbed into bed with your friend. (Apologies for sounding harsh, it isn't meant that way )

I asked earlier if you'd be ok with your dh doing the same thing but not telling you. How would that make you feel?

I'm guessing there's a possibility - albeit slim - that your dh will find out eventually. Will he be ok with that level of deceit?

Personally, I just couldn't imagine keeping something like that to myself and I still maintain, that your dh has a right to know.

Just my humble opinion though based on my life and my thoughts/beliefs

I don't think those of us that suggest telling your DH are doing it 'just so there are no secrets'

I suggested telling your DH so that there can be trust, honesty, respect and regret. You risked your family unit, not ny telling your DH, but when you had an affair, I know that sounds harsh, but I suppose I am coming from the point of view of how I would feel if this happened to me and I know the lies and deceit would be just as bad, if not worse than, the original act.

However, it does sound as if you have made your mind up, so good luck with whatever you do.

From your latest post it sounds very much as though you have the sort of relationship where not telling would be the best option. That doesn;t make your relationship with your H any less strong or valid than those of people who are into total honesty: you know what works for you and your family, and there are plenty of couples for whom a drunken bunk up really wouldn't be that big a deal. It isn't the same as a prolonged affair with systematic fibbing, after all.
Good luck. There aren't, actually, set patterns for relationships to follow, people make their own way through life and work out what suits them as they go.

I agree with SGB on this, as I said before I think some types of marriage can exist on a different level to others and thus can withstand an event such as this.

There are others which couldn't. I don't think I could live with myself if I lied about something like this but then my values and needs from a relationship/my own honesty etc are different to yours.

It's a bit like I wouldn't allow my children to steal a penny sweet from a shop - we would take it back together and pay for it. Other parents wouldn't see it as important.

iyswim.