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Original poster

Should I tell

258 replies

handmedownqueen · 29/10/2009 22:43

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

OP posts:
thesecondcocking · 31/10/2009 08:27

if her dh asked 'did you fuck someone else' then that's a lie. if he doesn't then that's just 'not telling him something that would hurt him'
i am gobsmacked by the number of you who have NO secrets from their husbands? Really? none?
I am in a relatively new relationship (4 years) and met my dp when i was already a grown up ie i was 32 and a mother-we have very independent lives but are committed to each other and our children.
Nobody gets the full picture about what is happening in my life IYSWIM?
the ops relationship sounds like an 'older' version of mine and dps.I asked dp last night if me shagging someone else would be the end for us and he said 'you haven't have you?' to which i said no-and i wouldn't.
although today i am out with my ex for the day/night and he has no problems with that.

purplepeony · 31/10/2009 10:18

God, no!

What will be gained?
You might ease your conscience for 10 seconds but the fall out could be huge.

You know you made a mistake- now live with the guilt, if that's what you feel.

No need to make it your DH's problem as well.

Malificence · 31/10/2009 13:02

I feel like I must be living in some parallel universe.
I can't fathom why anyone would ever lie to their partner and why SO many people are ok with the concept of keeping secrets within a relationship.
I'm continually amazed at how little respect people have for the most important person in their life.

No way in hell is a relationship based on lies and deceit as strong or as secure as one based on truth and respect.

I'm a firm believer in karma, the truth always finds a way out, normally at the worst possible time.

Fabster · 31/10/2009 13:06

Depends why you want to tell him.

Do you think he has a right to know or do you just want to off load the guilt?

If you do decide to tell you need to accept the chance that he might end your marriage and that is his right.

purplepeony · 31/10/2009 13:13

Mal- sorry but you have it wrong here- 2 wrongs don't make a RIGHT!

The OP knows she did wrong- it's not a question of lying, it's a question of not telling all- there is a big difference. Withholding information is not lying.

A lie is when someone asks you something and you don't tell the truth- keeping something back which would hurt them is not lying- it's facing up to the fact that telling them something that would hurt them and maybe break up the marriage is not helpful.

Can you honestly say what good you think it would do?

My honest opinion of those of you who say "Tell" is that you are disapproving and judging and want the OP to get what you see as her due comeuppance.

Be honest about YOUR motives!

Malificence · 31/10/2009 13:15

The OP already knows how her husband would react, or she should do. She must know his feelings on infidelity?

I know how my husband would react - he would forgive me, he knows how I would react - I would never forgive him.

I don't understand why people think it's different/ok because she was drunk, if anything it makes it even worse!

UnquietDad · 31/10/2009 13:17

No, don't tell him.

Unless it was a woman and she was fit and he might like that kind of thing.

purplepeony · 31/10/2009 13:20

mal- you have carefully side stepped the points I made- what is to be gained by telling?

"Truthfulness" is not a virtue in all circumstances.

I think some of you live in ivory towers where you concoct your philosophies that are not based on any reality .

The OP knows she did wrong; it was a one-off, it was a drunken fuck with an ex, not an atom bomb that was dropped, it was not an affair, it's over. The world has not stopped turning. telling her DH will not erase what happened, or make her feel better, or make him feel better.

Leave it.

Malificence · 31/10/2009 13:20

How the hell is telling the truth wrong?

If this was a man asking for advice there would be hell up and everyone would be telling him what a scum bag he was and how he needed to man up and be honest.
So many hypocrites on here.

Fabster · 31/10/2009 13:27

Lying by inadmission anyone?

Malificence · 31/10/2009 13:33

The ONLY thing that matters is how her husband views honesty - if it the most important thing in his life then she would be betraying everything he/they stand for by omitting the truth (i.e. lying), if he doesn't value honesty then that's her call I suppose.

She hasn't answered the question on how she would feel if her husband withheld similar information and she found out.

This house of cards actually depends on the silence of the other man - no one seems to have considered his part in all this, he could play some very nasty games if so inclined.

purplepeony · 31/10/2009 13:56

OFGS MAL- telling the truth is worng in some instances- such as when your BF asks if her bum looks big, or if she needs to lose weight.

Yes, they might be white lies- and yes, sex with an ex is a more emotional issue, but you are incredibly naiive if you don't mind me saying so if you think that the way to go through life is being totally honest with everyone all of the time. That's a recipe for a lot of pain.

"Morality" is about not hurting other people. If by keeping quiet you don't hurt them, then that's the way to go. Surely you can get your head round that one?

And Fabster lying by inadmission means you say nothing when asked- not that you volunteer information that is not called for.

helsbels4 · 31/10/2009 14:21

Surely any solid marriage/relationship is based on trust and respect?

I am neither in a new relationship or live in an ivory tower but to keep something like this from your husband, is imo, wrong.

I haven't concocted that philosophy, it's just how I think and feel!

I think that the op should consider the possibility of her "little secret" becoming common knowledge. She'll have a whole lot more problems then!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/10/2009 14:24

Look, it doesn't really matter what we think - the OP has made her mind up and we must leave her to it.

I can only speak for myself and say that my advice is not based in some ivory tower but is rooted in real-life experience with a friend. My motive in this is to help the poster - certainly not for her to get her "come-uppance". I suspect her marriage will be impoverished by this experience and I worry that she will view her husband differently now. That this will impact on her sex life (which is really important to me) - but if the poster finds that this isn't the case, then that is wonderful.

And I agree with other posters - it all depends on the sort of marriage you have and want to have in the future. I agree that for some marriages, they can exist perfectly happily with secrets - but I happen to believe that marriages with real honesty reach a higher level of intimacy between the couple than those without honesty. I also know lots of marriages where the couple actually don't want that level of intimacy - in fact it would have them running for the hills.

And with the notable exception of Morris Zapp, who made the distinction, I agree totally with Mal - I believe the reaction to a man posting this would be very, very different. Women's infidelity is treated far more leniently on here than men's. I think if a man had written this post, there would be a few brave souls who would admit "I wouldn't want to know", but there would be far more saying "I have the right to know" and "you are denying your wife choices" etc.
There would also be several querying "but what's the underlying cause of this?" and loads saying "you'll do it again". Not to say the amount of posts telling the man that he was using his wife like an appliance and just wanted to keep being serviced

It's up to the poster ultimately and we can only wish her and her husband well. Her choices wouldn't be mine, but I guess we have to accept that all marriages are different.

cheeseandeyeballsarnie · 31/10/2009 14:30

unquietdad-how did you manage to get away with that unoticed!?

id go for honestly.tell him.

UnquietDad · 31/10/2009 16:41

I slipped it in because the OP hadn't specified...

yournotalone · 31/10/2009 16:52

How well do you know your Husband....... if he done the same you would want to be told then?

x

MaggieOicheSamhain · 31/10/2009 17:18

listen to mathanxiety..

it'd be the yearnignt to do it again or the feeling that your husband wasn't enough that would be a 'secret' you couldn't keep in.

But this ONS has made you realise you don't want to loes your husband right?

How valuable is a clear conscience to you if you lose a husband you realise now you do value and love?

Original poster
handmedownqueen · 31/10/2009 17:57

So should I sit the kids down and tell them first then? I have to say the moral superiority of some of the posts astound me. Perhaps you would like to come round and tell my dh for me and pack his bags for him
I made a mistake. I regret it I was interested in others views, and particularly if anyone else was going to admit similar mistakes within a long marriage and give me their perspective
Thanks to those who have been supportive.

OP posts:
kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 31/10/2009 18:10

If you can handle the secret then no, don't.

purplepeony · 31/10/2009 18:26

handmedown- I have made a similar mistake many years back- believe me- keep it to yourself. If you dolove your DH don't cause him misery just because you had a moment of weakness. Forgive yourself- and move on.

Heated · 31/10/2009 19:07

If you love your hb and don't want to hurt him and telling him will bring his world crashing down - then keep schtum. If you regret it, knowing you have been unfaithful will be punishment enough. And if this is symptomatic of general marital malaise then do something about improving matters, otherwise you might not be the only one testing greener pastures.

lou33 · 31/10/2009 19:59

i thnk its really easy to say what someone would do in theory until it becomes reality

cheeseandeyeballsarnie · 31/10/2009 22:05

so supportive equals says don't tell,cheat on your dh,its fine.

sorry am unsupportive.try being on the other end.plus you asked if you should tell ,if you already knew you wouldn't why ask?

thesecondcocking · 01/11/2009 11:45

nobody is saying it is ideal to cheat on your partner FFS,Stop being so bloody puritanical.
The OP seems to have learned a lesson from what happened, I wouldn't have seen the point in breaking up a family for one drunken fuck that doesn't actually mean anything to anyone. Yes,it's a shame actually doing it was the only way to find out but the entire family don't have to be punished by this one action.
if she told this incident would become the 'thing' that then defined the relationship and therefore more important than wedding vows,birth of children,happy memories as in the back of dps mind would always be 'and then she fucked someone else and that was the end...' it really isn't that important.