Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

No, the only person who gains from telling is you and your guilt. IF noone else knows and he's not going to find out don't tell EVER.

Everyone, including the OP, seems to have forgotten that someone else does know and unless he's also married or has something to lose from the truth coming out - he is under no obligation to keep it a secret. All it could take is one drunken whisper in the wrong person's ear for the snowball to start rolling...
There is also the what if? scenario but it's a bit pointless speculating now.

Just because I'm controlled and cautious in life doesn't mean I'm a simmering cauldron of unresolved past issues underneath the suface - I'm maybe emotionally guarded or a bit lacking in compassion , I do have a strong sense of self preservation which means I don't understand why someone would risk their family for nothing more than one miserable sexual encounter. That certainly doesn't make me a freak with zero understanding of the human psyche, of course my husband has hurt me and disappointed me on a few occasions and vice versa - those are the tests of a relationship, everyone has boundaries of what is forgiveable and what is not. Lying to your partner perverts those boundaries and your relationship can never be the same, one of you living in ignorance, the other in denial.

I can honestly say that even if Hugh Jackman offered me a night of unbridled passion and spanking with no chance of discovery, I would still say no because I would still have to live with myself afterwards and could never look my husband in the eye again.
I obviously have the monogamy fetish that SGB is so fond of bringing up.
I would also argue that the people for whom extra-marital sex is not a "big deal" are the ones doing it all wrong, either that or they have the wrong partner! I have no issues about sex either, can't remember who suggested I did, but rest assured I don't need to go looking if there is anything "better" out there, my sex life is wonderful, thanks all the same - just because I've had one sexual partner my whole life doesn't mean I don't know what good sex is - everyone saying that I'm making assumptions based on my experience is making huge assumptions about me too.

This is an event that, whatever your feelings about it, strikes to the very heart of your relationship. It is your DH's right to know something so fundamental about his marriage, just as it would be yours if he had done the same. by having sex with someone else, and then covering up the event, you are betraying him and then lying to him. He might forgive the sex, but if he finds out later, why would he forgive the deception?

Ps "I see no benefit to telling him ?" Well, good for you. But this shouldn't be about whether you think he will gain from learning you couldn't be faithful. It should be about his right to judge the state of his marriage.

Why are you all being so melodramatic? It's like being stuck inside a soap opera. What happens in other people's relationships is entirely down to those people. No-one else can say what should or should not happen in a marriage.

For instance, perhaps the husband has had a string of mistresees, is a cross-dresser, also keeps a male lover and is about to run off with the window cleaner? Who knows?

I find I'm not even particularly interested in whether or not people are having an affair - I don't see why everyone gets so agitated about it. It's no better or worse than getting divorced or any number of other options as to how people live their lives.

Many of the threads on here are about how people are unhappy in their marriages anyway so clearly the marriage vows aren't working for them.

Why can't people just get on with living how they want without endless sanctimonious morality debates? I find it quite self-indulgent. If people can be bothered with an additional relationship, good luck to them, personally I find one is more than enough.

If Om comes out of the woodwork at a later date telling the world your secret, DENY!

Seriously, keep quiet

what jasper says