Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

So people don´t think the husband deserves to decide for himself whether or not to stay with a wife who had a "drunken fück"?

I am wondering whether in fact if it's something he wouldn't mind, you might just as well tell him anyway iyswim.

Can I just ask, those of you who genuinely wouldn't want to know if you were the partner/wife of someone who cheated...why is that?

This is actually bothering me now...OP, you are starting to sound very very defensive and quite upset.

If this is how bad you feel about it, it does suggest to me that you might have difficulty hiding it from him or if you do hide it, it'll come out in your behaviour instead.

I really don't think that is fair on him. It's all very well to say 'your feeling guilty is punishment enough' but OP feeling guilty is going to impact big time on her mood.

I dunno, it's not something I could easily carry around if I was feeling that bad about it. I'd be likely to drop it on his toe or just moan the whole time iyswim...your burden isn't just yours, particularly in a marriage. Everything is shared and your feelings of guilt and upset about this are no exception.

No, it's not fair on him.

i wouldn't want to know if he got drunk and fucked someone and regretted it because i believe he would see that as a wake up call for our relationship and would then endeavour to make it right.There is no benefit in me knowing- if he were emotionally close to someone else and constructing a web of lies and deceit whilst pretending to love me and the girls and was all the time planning to get away from us to shag someone else then that's different.Knowing dp as i do i think he would have to be emotionally involved with the person-which i would definitely feel threatened by-so i wouldn't want to know-as long as it was a one off.

I've done it by the way (had affairs) i know that it can happen-i believe there but for the grace of god go i,i believe i wouldn't cheat on my dp-i can't say if things were shit at home,wine had been consumed,i was away on business-someone flattered me etc etc it would be a huge jump from that to falling into bed with someone-it would be a spur of the moment thing that need not destroy a marriage.

It's interesting how not being monogamous in a marriage is one of the last taboos. Practically everything else is now no longer taboo - for instance it is completely socially acceptable to get divorced, even multiple times (yet that is still breaking a marriage vow, remember) it is acceptable to have same-sex relationships; it is acceptable to have multiple sexual partners, etc.

Curiously, there is more sympathy for married people who are gay or bisexual (and therefore having a lover/sex on the side to meet that need) than there is for married people who are straight but who happen to stray/want to have sex with other people/fall in love with someone else.

I find that quite illogical, but that is another discussion.

The main issue here, as I see it, is the poster's felings of guilt. I think it would be helpful to discuss these with a neutral third party (good counsellor/therapist etc)? This may of course, uncover other issues related to the marriage, so that is something that the poster would have to consider. She is under no obligation morally to discuss anything or everything with her husband, the same goes for him.

I find it paradoxical that, on the one hand, we have soaring divorce rates (therefore marriage vows completely ignored, but that is okay) but, on the other, zero tolerance for anything but monogamy within a marriage. Is this not contradictory? Why is it better to get divorced?

BB- I agree totally.

OP- you should know better than to post on MN about infidelity. Unless you are on the receiving end- when all will flock to you and offer support- you will just be stoned and called a harlot.

I have No sympathy for anyone who cheats, whatever the reason, whatever their sexual persuasion.

The only reason the OP wants to keep her dirty little secret is to avoid showing her husband what she really is, this talk of hurting the children etc. is rubbish, if she had considered them, or him, for one second, she would never have cheated. I don't differentiate between different flavours of infidelity, they are all equally ugly and selfish.

How is having sex with someone else an easier option than sitting down with your partner and saying " I'm unhappy , can we try and sort things out?".

She was testing the waters, what if she had fallen for the old friend? - I doubt she would have been so considerate of her husband's feeling then.

She will forever look at him and think " you poor deluded fool, look what I've got away with" - if she doesn't think it will affect her life from here on in, she's a fool too.
She must feel that she's cleansed herself by admitting things on here and even been validated by the others who would so easily lie to their partners.
By not telling, this will never go away.

Only she knows/suspects how he would react, she hasn't even had the decency to give us this vital piece of information.
I honestly wonder why she bothered posting in the first place, her mind was already made up - or has it just been the technological equivalent of the confessional box?

Well, I don´t see how you can love someone and have sex with someone else.

If I did that, it would tell me that I had no regard for my husband at all.

BB, I am a bit confused by your point.

Do you mean that if your partner cheats and disregards his mrriage vows, you ought to remain in a relationship with him in order to fulfill your own vows?

Or do you mean that society seems to sanction divorce more willingly than infidelity?

Divorce is often a direct result of infidelity; infidelity as an act is cruel and unfair, divorce may represent self preservation or defensive action.

Please could you elaborate?

The only reason the OP wants to keep her dirty little secret is to avoid showing her husband what she really is-
malificence-you watch you don't fall off that ivory tower of yours,how is life up there on the moral high ground?i find your tone and insinuation about the op offensive-what exactly do YOU thing she is?

Well,I´m with Malificence.

If she cared about anyone in her family, how could she do it?

I don´t think it´s living in an ivory tower, or taking the moral high ground to find cheating abhorrent.

it's the name calling i object to.
and i don't think anyone on this thread has said it's ok to fuck about. I think they've shown empathy/sympathy with the situation and realised name calling doesn't help...

Oh I love threads like this - op starts a thread with a question...."Should I tell my lovely dh......." then gets all defensive and narky when a percentage of posters say they think honesty should prevail and she should confess all to her dh!

Why ask the question if,

a) she's already made up her mind not to tell

b) she doesn't find other people's thoughts and opinions helpful/interesting/thought provoking etc etc?

I've stated before that I don't live in an ivory tower and I'm not sitting on some moral pedestal. I've been with my husband for twenty-one years (married for fourteen) and I know that if I were stupid or selfish enough to sleep with another man whilst still being married then imo my husband would have a right to know and to decide for himself if he still wanted to spend his life with me.

By being so against telling him, I can only presume that you aren't very confident he'd want to stick by you. Maybe you're scared more of that thought than anything?

Mal- God you are So judgemental it is almost laughable. Just look at this:

"She will forever look at him and think " you poor deluded fool, look what I've got away with" - if she doesn't think it will affect her life from here on in, she's a fool too."

You should be ashamed of yourself for being so unkind. If all you can do is post vitriol which makes you feel holier-than-thou, why bother?

Not much compassion in your head is there?

Actually, I think that some have said it´s OK to "fück about", if it´s "only" a one night stand and won´t happen again.

It's the "doing it for the kids" bit that really sticks in my craw - what a crock.
Why wasn't she thinking of her family before she was drunkenly having sex with another man? What utter hypocrisy.

A marriage is worth precisely nothing if there are secrets and lies within it - why would anyone want to live like that?

I didn't realise that believing in honesty means I don't live in the real world.

As for what I think she is, it's irrelevant , but actually I don't think she's anything. I do think she's trying to salve her conscience and find a way of justifying what she has done to her family.

I'd be really interested to know how she would feel if her husband was posting on here with the same dilemma. She has been very good at avoiding mentioning her husband's feelings at all.

Mal says "A marriage is worth precisely nothing if there are secrets and lies within it - why would anyone want to live like that?"

So divorce is better is it Mal- if she tells all and her DH buggers off, the kids have a broken home, and everyone is miserable after 1 silly drunken fuck- that's the real answer to this, is it, according to the laws of Mal?

It is better to spill the beasn, make her DH miserable because his marriage is now worth nothing? Oh pleaaaaaaaaaase. Get over yourself darling.

One day Mal you might stop seeing life in simple, black and white and realise that humans are comlex, make mistakes, and sometimes can be forgiven for not behaving as perfectly as you undoubtedly do.

Well, tbh, I think if someone thinks so little of their marriage that they cheat,then they have made it worthless.

Mal

Nah - she probably wasn't thinking about anyone at all when she did it - she was drunk and foolish.

If a marriage is worth nothing if there are any secrets /lies then the majority of marriages are probably worthless and we should get rid of marriage full stop.

Marriage might mean something to the children in it though.

She'll have to live with it but if she can then she can. She doesn't seem to be crawling on all fours in disgrace but she's human, has made a mistake, will hopefully learn from it and not drink to that level again.

Hand - I'd certainly not tell him - he'd be so hurt and your kids would find out too and feel very insecure within the marriage. Just don't do it again.

I wouldn't tell. My ex told me and I really wish he hadn't bothered - it was all about salving his conscience. I think some of you need to think about how you would feel if you were the cheated on - would you really want to know?

For me, knowing made the event assume a hell of a lot more significance that it actually had. He felt bad enough without telling me - that just made it my problem too.

Why is it that the people calling me judgemental and self righteous are happy to judge me and call me names?

You have no idea what I've been through in my life - but I will say that my husband and my daughter are the only things worth a damn and I can't understand anyone who would risk their family for a one night stand.

I would understand my husband having feelings for someone else far more easily than if he just went and had sex with someone because the latter would mean that I didn't know him at all.
To go and have sex with someone when it is utterly meaningless yet risking SO much would be the biggest heartbreak for me, such a lack of respect and something unforgiveable in my eyes.

from what i can see mal you started the name calling...

In answer to the question: society (now) seems to view divorce as fine but infidelity as unacceptable.

Divorce is sometimes about infidelity but, I suspect, mostly about other things. The infidelity is sympomatic of something, in itself it is not the real reason for the breakdown of a marriage.

I could accept infidelity much more than other things. In fact, I don't think it is such a big deal - especially a "one off". Heck - why would that be such a big deal? A long-standing affair is a different matter. But then again - it would mean that my partner was getting something that he was unable to get within the marriage. It would then be up to me what I wanted to do about it. I may or may not want to stay in the relationship - it would depend on lots of factors.

Of course you can get divorce when you discover that your partner has been unfaithful, but it doesn't really solve anything at all - your next partner may do the same, or, they may not be unfaithful, but they may just be a jerk. To be honest, I would much rather be with a man who was great, but had the flaw of being unfaithful, than with a man who had loads of flaws, but was faithful.

But that is just me. We all make our own decisions based on what suits us. I think that one of the reasons that there are so many threads on here about relationship problems is that people think that one person can fulfill all their needs. I don't think that is necessarily possible.

What OP has done is the equivalent of a tree falling in the forest. It happened, and it made a sound, but nobody heard it. What she wants to prevent is a tree falling in her garden, onto her home and family, with attendant damage and falling tree sounds.

"To go and have sex with someone when it is utterly meaningless yet risking SO much would be the biggest heartbreak for me, such a lack of respect and something unforgiveable in my eyes." This is the aspect of things, in my situation, that angered me, and my response was really paradoxical. I value monogamy, value honesty and sincerity and openness, yet I was angry beyond words that my exH had done something so serious so flippantly, and then told me about this stupid, careless, disrespectful deed. I felt that to risk so much just to have my forgiveness or reassurance that I didn't think he was a bad person or whatever it was that he wanted was highly irresponsible and immature, maybe even moreso than the original event. I value respect and sensible, humble discretion more than I would have thought I did before the revelation.