Should I tell

[handmedownqueen]

My lovely DH that I went to bed with an old friend. I love DH and have no excuses for it except a mini midlife crisis and feeling a lot of stress at present with work kids etc. Drank far too much and succumbed. It wasn't even much good and certainly made me feel I was missing nothing. I'm not going to benefit anyone by telling am I?

it may or not be a big deal - but that is for each individual to decide - and by keeping the 'crime' secret may be a bigger deal breaker than the actual 'crime.
Many people do recover from such betrayal and it is nearly always the deceit that is harder to forgive.

It has happened rightly or wrongly - i just dont think i could live without telling my h and i also know that from now on i could not live if i knew my h had lied to me.

He has lied in the past - he had an affair - yes it is a big deal but the deciet and lies are far worse than the actual sex imo.

People do bad/wrong things all the time - not admiting to those things i do not think is the way for a healthy relationship imo.

Only the op knows what her h will see as worse - the drunken shag or the rest of his life being lied to (even if by omission).
And she is the only one with that power over his life at the moment.

Mal has just said what I was thinking, only better.

I was going to walk away from this thread because as I believe in monogomy in marriage and have been with my dh since school, I'm getting the impression that somehow I'm not considered able to understand the op's position - or people having casual sex for that matter. Utterly ridiculous!

I know my own mind and I know I would never have sex with somebody else whilst I'm married. That thought doesn't change regardless of whether I've been married for thirteen years or thirteen days.

Thankfully we're all different.

Btw, I asked dh whether he'd want to know about a one-off drunken shag and he said he wouldn't! He said it would be daft to wreck a marriage over a stupid mistake. Just goes to show, you can be with a person for years and still not know them

My hubby's just said that the lies would be worse and he would want me to tell him, he says he would be able to forgive me but when pressed he agreed that it's easy for him to say that because he knows I would never do it in the 1st place.

I still maintain that it's only the OP's husband's view that means anything in this situation, if he values honesty above all else then she is betraying him all over again by not telling. If she honestly doesn't have a clue how he would react then they don't have a very close marriage anyway, but it sounds like she knows it would be the end for them.

I really cannot believe the amount of people on here that condone cheating on the person they procalim to love.
OP,Let us put aside for a moment the emotional side of it and how hurt he could be that you have cheated. Have you been with your husband since you was with your "old friend"? Have you thought about the health side of it, swanning off to go sleep with someone else then coming home to your husband and passing on any lovely infections you could of picked up?
If I had the choice of being told my supposed loving partner has slept with someone else( and possibly passed on a STD) and then being on my own, or to go on with life unknowingly married to a liar and a cheat I would gladly choose the first. I thnk thats why you don't seem to want to confess, as you know he might not take it as well as the people on here claim they would.
And rightly so too. If I was ever cheated on then that would be it, relationship over.

Ah. ...it's all clear now- both Mal nad Hels have met and married the only man they have ever slept with, and they think this gives them the life experience and wisdom to advise, condemn, or preach at someone else who has momentarily made a mistake. (Which she acknowledges as a mistake.)

Not usre how old you both are, but I do hope that as you become older you will also become more tolerant of the human race.

But just tell me- don't you ever think for just one minute that you come over as being incredibly smug and self-righteous?

I actually feel sorry for you both in a perverse way, as your posts reveal you have no empathy or understanding at all of the complexities of human emotions, no forgiveness in you and some need to keep banging on with the same old stuff.

I would add that I actually think it is quite selfish to announce that one would end a relationship on the basis of infidelity, especially if it was a "one off" type of situation.

For instance, if you are married with children and have a 'relatively' harmonious home life and you discover that your husband has had a one night stand, say. Making a decision to end the marriage based on this one event has a lot to do with wounded pride and ego - eg: "how dare he do that to me?" Why would a decision based on those kind of emotions be helpful necessarily, for your children or even for you or your husband? Don't you think the mature approach would be to work things through so you could arrive at an understanding of why he behaved as he did? After all, you cannot make anyone do or not do anything.

I'm 43 and I have more (pretty horrible) life experience than you can imagine, I only do forgiveness and compassion on those who actually deserve it. I don't have much time for the weak-willed or the stupid.

Leaving your keys in the front door is a mistake, forgetting to post a letter is a mistake - choosing to betray your partner is a little more serious than a mistake.

Now who's being all judgemental by stating that because we've had completely monogamous marriages to our first sexual partners we can't possibly understand - what a ridiculous argument, I've never smoked but I know how bad cigarretes are for you.

So, I'm smug and self-righteous for being pleased to be in a long and happy marriage? Fine by me.

The other issue is that no-one here knows whether the OP's DH would want to know the truth- and I bet it is a question he would only know the answer to in retrospect anyway.
Those of you who are baging on and suggesting she tells him are doing so because YOU would want to know- you seem unable to see it from any other point of view!

We/he might say we want the truth- but the reality of it is a different matter.

I think what comes across with these posts is that for some people sexual infidelity is the absolute deal- breaker in a marriage. It is intersting that the ones who are saying this most forcefully are the ones who have had little sexual experience, and maybe no more than 1 partner. I think there is a connection.

Yes, fidelity is important to a lot of people, but believe me, it's the emotions that really matter most.

To be really crude- why destroy someone else's life just because for a few minutes your willpower left you and you allowed a man to wiggle his willie in your fanjo- it is senseless. It's getting sex out of all perspective. And those who seem to have an odd persepctive of sex are, understandably, those who have only had 1 partner.

Well, quite apart from the arguments for and against monogamy as a lifestyle (and I tend to agree with those who say that by getting married you have bought into it and if you don't want to buy int it, fine, don't get married), there is surely a question of imbalance.

Put simply - if one of you expects monogamy and the other doesn't, you have a problem.

If this is the case, it isn't a truly "open" relationship and can be harmful. I often tend to suspect that so-called "open" relationships are more so for one person than the other. (What happens if you agree to be "open", then one of you gets all the luck and the other is stuck at home with no nookie? Won't this cause a bit of bad feeling?)

BB, no, the mature approach would be to address problems and work things out without resorting to shagging another person - that's what a marriage should be.

It's about self respect and respect for your partner, a one night stand proves you have neither.

Why does being married to the only person you've ever slept with, make you unable to have life experience, wisdom and the ability to advise, condemn or preach? What narrow-minded, pathetic reasoning?!

I've never once said that the op hasn't made a mistake - I merely replied to her question, "Should I tell my darling dh....?" using my own opinions and stance on marriage and fidelity - just as you have.

Why then does that make you right and me wrong? I'm assuming that you've slept with more than one man in your life, so again, does that make you more qualified to comment?

Even if I'd slept with fifty men before I got married, I still wouldn't agree with someone sleeping with someone else outside of the marriage! That's my opinion and absolutely nothing to do with how many men I've slept with.

I find you both insulting and extremely naive regarding this.

Btw, I don't consider I've come across smug or self - righteous, I've answered an op's question. When have I been that exactly? I haven't resorted to name-calling or belittling anyone! I presume she must have expected that she wouldn't receive a blanket thumbs up from everyone, surely?

Oh and I don't need you to feel sorry for me, thanks very much and I'm not sure how you can deduce from my posts that I have no empathy, understanding of human emotions or a lack of forgiveness! You have absolutely no idea! Don't you think you've come across as patronising, naive and antagonistic.

I've only just come back to mn after staying away for a few months because of attitudes of people making wild assumptions based on nothing. I think it may be time to leave you all to it once again.

Why people can't just post their views and then have an adult debate/discussion is beyond me. I'll leave you all to it. Have fun!

Butter I'm not sure that's correct though I do get what you're saying I think.

Wounded pride and ego wouldn't really come into it for me. It would be the sense of total insecurity more than anything, knowing I was living with someone I couldn't trust to act in my best interests as well as his own...that would be my stumbling block.

""I don't have much time for the weak-willed or the stupid.""

Oh really Mal, now there's a surprise! But who are you to judge what is weak willed or stupid?

Ther e is no parallel between smoking ciggies and knowing how bad they are for you, and feeling the emotions involved in other situations and relationships.

You are not smug and self-righteous for being in a long and happy marriage- god, can't you even construct a logical arguement , instead of saying 2+2=6. No, you are smug and self-righteous becuae you won't see anyone else's point of view and are utterly intolerant of anyone who has fallen from grace. That's smug.

It is never black and white and i think until you have been in that situation of either being cheated on or being tempted it is difficult to understand.
I honestly thought it would be the end of my marriage if my h cheated - well he did and actually it is not the end (things have changed an awful lot).

It made me think a lot about me my relationship and my own boundaries.

I hope that the op can now take this chance to think about what she has learned about herself from this.

And i also hope that whatever you do op you can look in the mirror and feel comfortable with your decision to tell or not - after all you are the only one who has to live with it.

Hels don't go, I thought Purplepeony was a bit unfair as well.

It's hasrh to go around throwing stones whatever your personal circumstances, but I haven't seen you do it Hels.

I suppose, thinking about it, that it's possible for someone to say that they believed in monogamy when they got married but now no longer do. Sounds a bit having cake and eating it scenario though.

That is one way of looking at it bb but I personally couldn't be with someone who couldn't approach me before going off and shagging someone else. I am sure they wouldn't of thought of how hurt their kids would be while they were getting their rocks off.
The mature approach would be to go to your partner and to talk about how you are feeling and why you feel you need to go and have sex with someone else to make the relationship better (isn't that what the excuse is nowadays?)

Nobody really knows what they would actually do when faced with infidelity until it happens to them .....

You cannot really know until faced with it and all the real implications involved with marriage breakdown etc.

For the record I never thought it would happen to me (DH had an affair) and I really thought I would walk away but when faced with the reality of 4 DC who love and dote on their father etc, the answer is not black or white.

As far as the OP is concerned, where does the lying start in a relationship eg not telling your DP that the excess weight they have gained since you met really does bother you but you don't want to hurt their feelings so you say nothing. It's all about real honesty, emotional honestly and having a truly adult relationship.

I hope the OP finds a way through this.

Thanks Flightattendant, that was kind of you

I think quite a lot of people, sadly, only find out that monogamy isn';t for them when they've been doing it for a while (because of the monogamist cult which insist that only monogamy is 'real' love). Those of you who got married at twelve and have never had sex with anyone else, do you live somewhere very isolated and stay at home a lot, I wonder? It does sound a bit rustic and insular. I mean, if it works for you that's great but it does put you in something of a minority category/.

I got married at twenty-six not twelve, so not young, naive, stupid or whatever else anyone thinks I must have been and no, I don't live anywhere isolated and I don't stay home a lot. I wonder why you would think that I do? I'm not some old, frumpy house-wife who bakes cakes all day ffs!

I also wonder what you base your statement that being in a monogomous marriage puts me in a minority category? I can only assume that you are basing that on your own circumstances and those around you.

For what it's worth, the majority of my friends, family, aquaintances - to the best of my knowledge - are in long-standing, stable marriages/relationships where both partners seem very happy just being with each other.

Is it really such an odd concept to stay faithful in a marriage? I could understand the freedom to sleep with whoever you wanted to outside of a marriage but really, is it such a strange idea to some of you? Bizarre.

I wonder how many of you who claim to advocate free love are actually happy married?

I can't be arsed with this dumbed-down "argument" now and I'm definitely off. Promise

Good god SGB, and they call me self-righteous!

I was married young, yes, at 18, the only reason for that was because my husband joined the Airforce and it was the only way we could live together.
Plenty of people of my age were married young, most of the people we know who did , are still together - so much for being in a minority.

We saw a lot of marriages break up when we lived on military bases, such is the stress of forces life - now that's a way of life that does need a strong and secure relationship.
I don't live in some quaint little backwater - I live in the heart of the north midlands - and I don't live in an insular bubble.
I work with 11 other women in my dept. all are married,( 2 were before they were widowed) , all are 10 year+ marriages, not so much a minority now, is it?

Just why do you have so much contempt for monogamy? It suits most people very well.

"A lie is when someone asks you something and you don't tell the truth- keeping something back which would hurt them is not lying- it's facing up to the fact that telling them something that would hurt them and maybe break up the marriage is not helpful."

Well DH and I quite often discuss things in a theoretical way, eg when this sort of thing happens to people we know we talk about infidelity in general. So in that conversation I think if I was in the OP's position I would get into the situation where I'd either be lying or in a very uncomfortable situation.

Mal- monogamy only just suits most people well, if you consider that 40% of all marriages end in divorce. How many of those founder on an affair is unkown.

No one denies that it is good to be in a good marriage,but what I and SG have said is that you are in a minority to have had only 1 sexual partner and to have married so young.

The reason I said what I did is that I have seen both sides- I almost married my childhood sweetheart at 21, who I met at 16, but he decided to change his mind, and when I did marry at almost 30 I'd been round the block a bit by then.

What I do know is that without that experience after my "1st" my mind-set on relationships would be very, very different.

I don't think you realise that you are very, very lucky to have had such a good relationship for so long, and quite honestly it does make it harder for you to understand how it can feel not to be in that secure place and to be tempted like the OP was.

What you are missing is breadth of experience in love relationships- call me patronising if you wish - but until you have been there and got the T shirt you are bound to see it all in black and white.

Not everyone's lives are like that- count yourself lucky that yours has been so easy in that respect.

But going back to the OP, I wonder if you still advocate being honest all of the time- irrespective of the consequences for her poor children, if no-one else? That was the point of her post- not whether you approved of her behaviour, which initiated the question!

The point of that is that lying by omission will likely end up as an outright lie fairly soon