How to make DH accept his words are hurting me

[ringingthechanges]

without him chucking them back in my face and saying I am the problem and I'm nuts?

perhaps I have portrayed myself in the wrong light here. I am not passive and I make a lot of noise, making waves, a lot of the time. This I think is why he behaves the way he does. Because I am not a doormat and quite obviously he would prefer me to be (his mother is so timid), I am not. He doesnt withold financially from me, I have access to quite a sum of £ but it is not for household purchases. And as stated before, yes I could buy the china, glasses etc but why would I do that when he earns so much more than I am allowed to spend IYSWIM. He has noticed in recent weeks that I am no longer putting up and shutting up and he doesn't like it one bit BUT it is taking time for him to get used to it because I am not backing down. He used to get away with speaking to me badly now I calmly tell him how rude he is and I will not stand for it. Our situation is not going to change overnight nor am I going to make a rash decision overnight. I am working on things but like I said before, sometimes it gets on top of me too much. We do not have argiuments or shouting in front of DC, we usually all go out together at the wkend and play happy families.

Podrick, to be acknowledged and treated as a wife and woman in my own home. To stop belittling the things I say. I dont make big demands and I dont think I am asking for anything unreasonable. I am considering asking him if we can renew our vows and see what he says to that. That would make me very very happy.

Well it sounds like you have started the process of change which great, perhaps you just need some moral support as you go through it?

Presumably you'd like him to renew his vows only if he means them?

"I promise to love you like Christ loved the church" ie be prepared to die for you, put you first, respect you, cherish you etc

Yes of course only if he means it. I have to say I will be surprised if he says yes but wouldn't it be a great start rather than just having a chat and the two of us saying we will do x y and z to get back on track.

OP, How do you buy anything? Just wondering how he has managed getting financial control and how you can take back some control(over everything).

she has a (generous) allowances but it's not generous enough to furnish her very large home and not with the sort of things you would expect to find in such an expensive home owned by a wealthy couple.

Hence it's easy to get sidetracked about the money side of the issue.

Cargirl, precisely, thank you

I would have probably figured out a way to get a loan in joint names and furnished the house by now - ordered it all within a couple of weeks before he realised and just smiled and nodded my way through the fall out when it turned up, but then I'm very stubborn & headstrong.

The first few years of being with now dh were a tad volatile!!! We are very happy now though just in case you're wondering.

Cargirl, lets hope I get there in the end too!

the time I deposited some of his prized possessions in the back garden

You see I am so paranoid about being the doormat my Mum was I used to always be on the attach dh has a lot of patience and loves me loads and I've chilled quite a bit and we've learnt to talk to each other properly IYSWIM.

He is also quite tolerant when I have PMT - I get very hot headed!

I think as this is one of the many control issues he has and the most tangible I would start forcing him to give up more. So next allowance I would buy whatever I wanted, plates, glasses whatever and then I would say nothing left for food. Or I would sell something of his, anything to make a point. Other control issues you just have to take the control away from him. I'm now going to reread thread to see what they are.

Are you attractive? Do you feel attractive? Does he think you are?

ebay some of his Armani suits

If I took your plan of action starwhoreswonaprize I would not deserve to be respected, it would be imature. I am trying to keep the peace and improve my life not show a red rag to a bull. Why do ask am I attractive? Are you looking for a date . FWIW the answers are yes, yes and yes and I look 10 years younger than my age, maybe there is some justice in the world!

Cargirl I like your style,you are lucky to have a tolerant DH. Strangely enough mine is tolerant too but with a lot of sarcasm thown in for good measure

Dittany of course I would like him to stop calling me names but I rather think IF he renewed his vows with me it would be best behaviour all round. Out of my allowance/housekeeping, I spend a lot on me actually, and also the DC which is why I do not spend it on the house. WE have a large pension pot that he pays into each month. Why are you so interested to know what car he drives? All I will say is that it is big and expensive FWIW so is mine.

RTC, are you afraid of him on any level? What are your own abandonment issues?

"I dont make big demands and I dont think I am asking for anything unreasonable." Really, the problem is that you feel you have to ask. I think you have been infantilised by this man. This is why you can't wrap your head around the idea of a different and better life for you. You need his permission to get out. Are you waiting until you find incontrovertible proof of infidelity?

I recommend this site for some insights into his behaviour patterns and his attitude towards you, maybe some idea of what you are up against. From your posts, it seems his family is littered with timid women and men who treat them badly and get away with it. The post that made me think of the link was the one where you said he was fine until the DCs came along. RTC, you are with a jealous and emotionally immature man who thinks the world revolves around him, and who will only mete out 'love' to his own wife and DCs as long as they can supply him with the unconditional and unquestioning adoration he craves. This is a recipe for disaster in your DCs lives.

Yes Dittany mumsnet does help me, it gives me other views and opinions. I read them, think about them and sometimes it makes me think of differect things that I hadn't already thought of so to me, yes mumsnet is very useful. Because I come back time and time again it doesn't mean that mumsnet serves no purpose. Its a sounding board, a place where you can vent your feelings and people will listen to you. For that I am grateful and judging by the amount of replies I always receive, people are interested be it for genuine concern or entertainment value, I thank each and everyone who responds to my threads. I am feeling that you are a bit peeved with me and thats a shame, I have always valued your comments whether or not I have acted upon your advice or not. Yes I would agree, unfortunately my threads are filled with sadness and my life does seem empty BUT that being said there is much in my life to celebrate also. My biggest downfall is that I am THE most sensitive person ever, I am sure to many people living with my DH would be a dream, but I am unable to brush off his sarcastic comments or even to throw them back. I am far too nice. We've had a joint pension for years, I have a lousy memory.

Ringing, has your relationship ever been good?

Yes, we had the best relationship ever until the babes cam along and I got PND.

Thank you Dittany but please don't be peeved.