How to make DH accept his words are hurting me

[ringingthechanges]

without him chucking them back in my face and saying I am the problem and I'm nuts?

His words are shitty. But aside from his nastiness, it sounds as though you need to make sure that you do have the wherewithal to buy these things without him.

You could insist on a joint account. Or - which might be better in the long run - you could think about getting a job. Having your own money might give you the confidence to tell him to fuck off renegotiate the terms of your relationship. Presumably your children are more independent now?

Personally, I think IKEA more sensible but I accept that you might have different expectations/lifestyle to me

has he been this way for the whole 22 years? o a gradual change?

can you imagine living with him when he's retired?

He controls and decides when we buy anything for the house. As i have been told ' I earn, yes, I decide when we buy stuff'. Accused me yesterday of always expecting it to be dished out . I am his wife, the mother of his children. I look great, well groomed, take care of EVERYTHING whilst he goes and makes his millions.

Why not have a trawl around some charity shops - I've got lots of secondhand things (jugs, vases, bowls etc) that are really lovely. And I hear that matching wine glasses are going to become really passe...

Does he have a point about the expense of things? Assuming you mean the new John lewis in town if I am right about who you are? There are much less expensive places really so perhaps it is slightly unreasonable to have gone to John Lewis?

Not that I am condoning any of the ways he speaks to you but could you compromise and take the expensive stuff back and get something more reasonable instead?

You have to decide is this the man you want to be with growing old or do you want happiness?

Ah, cross posts - don't suppose charity shops hold much appeal to a millionaire.

Yes. It's not about matching wine glasses, it's about sharing a life with a man who wishes to control and humiliate you.

It would seem that because he bought new cutlery yesterday (excluding the spoup spoons, we don't need those anyway) that I should be grateful and not expect anything else at the moment. We had company on sat night and I said (tongue in cheek), I hope nobody wants white wine as we only have 3 white wine glasses) he said 'it didnt matter what glasses are used' Sorry, but to me it matters a great deal to do things properly. Please don't have a go because I want it 'perfect'

I think he sounds very unkind. However I would hate to be financially beholden to anyone else. Could you find a job? Anything to ensure you aren't in this position again.

so divorce the fucker

take half his millions and spend them how the fuck you like

I don't really understand what you want, tbh

he is obviously not going to change, his attitude is too ingrained for that

and by allowing the situation you are in to develop you have enabled it

if you don't like it, give him a proper ultimatum and stick to it

For the record, he COULD afford Harrods so John Lewis should be more than acceptable. Please don't take offence anyone, we all have our differing budgets. I am not being blase about this and we did have times when we had NOTHING.

oops, after your last message Op, I think this thread may go the way of the last one

make your mind up love, do you want matching wine glasses, or do you want respect as an individual ?

you seem strangely fixated on china and household articles, tbh

put up with it, he won't change

or forget about the wine glasses and get the fuck out of there

To be perfectly honest, I have'nt got the confidence to go out and get a job. My school run takes over 2 hours per day so I could only ever work part-time anyway. Age is against me and I have no quals

No-one will take offence at that ringing. It doesn't matter whether it's Poundland, he is being unfair.

FWIW he does sound like my father. He was happy to buy big stuff - like cars, boats, second-homes, but penny-pinched over household items, meals out. He is the kindest man you can imagine but had this bugbear about 'wasting' money.

so - he's extremely rich but resents spending money?

I am being a bit devil's advocate here but there is no real reason why having loads of money should = buying the most expensive stuff.

On the other hand does he begrudge you buying 6 new glasses from ikea for example?

Maybe you could take the cutlery back to John Lewis and use teh money to buy some new wine glasses and cutlery from a cheaper place?

for christs sake, now everyone is fixating on the household items!

he speaks to her like a piece of shit, isn't that the point here ????????

gah

Go to a website like Mumswhowork or working Mums, there's quite a few franchise opportunities and part time work, some at home.

ScaryFucker, point taken - I guess what I am mostly saying is that if he just agreed to buy the things we need (that he can easily afford), then there would be no more me asking, or mentioning or even complaining about them and then we could get on and be happy. I am not asking for the world. BUT because he wont get these things I see it as a lack of caring about my feelings and keeping me in some sort of controlling place. Does that make any sense, I don't know anymore.

He sounds controlling and you'd probably be richer, in all senses of the word, without him.

Basically he doesn't give a shit about you.

If you haven't the confidence to get a job, you really, really need one. The only way to gain confidence is to do the things that scare you. I'm sure the local supermarket have part time positions, and care homes are always looking for staff.

starwhores - thanks for that, really makes me feel good about myself