How to make DH accept his words are hurting me

[ringingthechanges]

without him chucking them back in my face and saying I am the problem and I'm nuts?

"Dont write me off as a lost cause, today I met two people who had recently lost thier husbands to death, 2! It sort of makes you think, we are not all perfect,.."

-- When one of the things you appreciate about your H is that he has a pulse, you are scraping the bottom of the barrel, rtc.

The thing about marriage is that there are two people involved, and one person alone working on it is like clapping with one hand. If your H has changed since becoming well off, withdrawn from you sexually, and dropped you like an emotional hot potato when you really needed him (during the PND episode) will he see niceness and attempts to meet his (bottomless, imo) ego needs as a reward for his selfishness with money and hogging of decision-making power?

It's not about whether you had a happy or unhappy childhood it's about the fact people are attracted to those people who have some qualities shared by their opposite sex parent because they are familiar and you then naturally respond to them in the same familiar way.

It's a whole book that is only one small aspect! I was thinking more why is your dh treating you this way now since you had PND and he got "rejected" (his opinion it would appear) is he recreating something from his parents marriage or the relationship between himself and his Mum?

I agree he needs to work at it for it to work long term. I just think he may be more receptive to admitting that the marriage is worth working at and that he does love you if you spend some time changing the way you react to him and behave because it will break the pattern that has been established for the last x years and the way he sees you.

I certainly don't mean you should be the sweet surrending wife! Carry on being more assertive but make other changes about what you ask of him, what you comment on positively and do not ask him to buy anything for the house because that is what he uses to avoid the elephant in your relationship.

I am shocked that you've put up with it as long as you have I really don't think I could have. You do have so many optionsbut you need to change what you do now - either issue divorce proceedings now or try a completely different tack, then insist on counselling and then if he refuses to be honest & open with you divorce him then.

You at least can hold your head high knowing that you did everything you could and the issue is absolutely with him refusing to work at your marriage.

I cannot imagine how heart broken you must be that a man who once loved you and showed it and was "with you" is now so cold and distant and controlling.

I think it's more a case of focusing on completely different things for a while? Asking him to do things with her, talkinng about the qualities in him she does like etc. If the op does bring up money/possessions with him weekly or whatever than that is gives him the excuse to call her these names even though they are completely unjustified.

If the op walked out tomorrow would I understand? Yes completely, would I support her yes completely.

If the op decides she wants one last shot at reaching out to him then she needs to go about it in some sort of different way to how she has in the past - she needs to find the key to get through his rhino hide I suppose I'm trying to suggest things that may be a different way to get through to him to how she has approached it in the past.

Me being be would have told him relate or divorce but that's me and my way of doing things. Me being me would have probably divorced him at the first sign of "my money I spend it attitude"

It does. If he had always been controlling and abusive it would be much easier to give op a big shake and leave but previously they were happy together and that time around her PND was a catalyst to the elephant that is now in their relationship.

Very grim especially without RL support.

On a happier note if op does go through the divorce how rich she will be in £££££s and in freedom to be happy again.

Agree that OP sticks in the mind compared to others with relationship problems with what comes across as a souless and empty marriage and house - I hope it is not as bad in RL as the image the posts conjour up

I vote just go straight for the divorce, £££, freedom, happiness and never to be called names by that tosser ever again

but hey, thats me

no-one should put up with that for the slim chance she can "make him love her again"

far too grim as Dittany put it

maybe his true feelings will be forced out if he realises she really means to split, and I don't mean that in a game-playing way

because, by rights, she should be gone and not even looking back

I'm not sure I want to know that he drives a car worth more than my house (and I live in Surrey so although it's small it's not an insignifcant amount!)

What scaryfucker said.

You have begged him to change....he hasn't.

He knows you are unhappy. My ex knew I was unhappy. He liked that knowledge. He was happy, so saw no need to change.

Let's face it...if you do leave, he will probably not even miss the money he will have to pay you. Because it's not really about the amount is it? It's about the control.

Whether or not this did start with the PND, he is punishing you for that....but these men can always find something to punish you for! If it wasn't that it would be something else.

Believe me the only thing you will regret after you have made the break is that you didn't do it years ago!

I also was very struck by your previous postings and am not at all surprised to see you back again.

You can do this. Where are you? I can give you the name of a very, very good solicitor who has gone beyond duty to help me through the past three years.

I can tell you that hearing a judge say the words that your ex is a nasty person is worth everything you have to go through.

xxxxx

Back from work now - thanks RTC, I had a brilliant day. I understand your regret about career choices - I know how much my self-esteem is tied up with my professional life and days like today just reinforce that.

I'm like Cargirl to an extent and have been desperately trying to give advice based on what I think you are personally capable of doing, RTC. My choices in life have been very different to yours and I know that I wouldn't have put up with this sort of marriage. But I'm not you, RTC and the bottom line for you seems to be that you cannot leave this man.

Whilst I regret that you feel this way and could urge you till the cows come home to leave - and either be happy on your own or to find someone who will love you properly - that's not going to help, because I don't think you want to leave.

So the only thing you can do is to change the way you react and deal with this situation. I have some warning bells going off though about you doing this on your own. You haven't responded to the suggestion that you try couples counselling, or even individual counselling. Tell us what you think about those suggestions RTC.

I agree that having conversations about red herrings like homeware are best avoided at the moment, but for me, I would still be trying to have that difficult conversation I mentioned earlier, full of open questions such as "What..". "Tell me" and "How", so that it would be almost impossible to answer with a monosyllable, or a "yes/no" type answer.

It still sounds as though most recently, your interactions with one another are brief and full of unanswered questions; conversations that start, but then don't progress (e.g. the book under the bed, the open marriage suggestion, would you miss me if I wasn't here?). These interactions are really poor and full of hidden meanings.

And believe me, I do accept that some men abuse and control women, just as some women abuse and control men. However it does seem sometimes on Mumsnet that every man is considered a potential abuser. I find these narrow boxes very confining and IMO, fail to recognise that men hurt, have feelings and need emotional nourishment just as much as women.

I wonder if you stop "acting needy" with what you say, ie the hidden meaning ones and make statements such as "I am going to relate because I am not prepared to be emotionally neglected by you any longer, I'll let you know when the appointment is" how he would respond to that.

Personally I would make that appointment and I would invite him and I would go regardless of whether he will go or not.

I would also stop buying things for your dc and tell them that you can't afford them because daddy won't give you enough money to pay for that and xyz. Don't be nasty but be honest with them.

I think there are ways to be assertive and start to shift the balance right now which will also stand you in good stead if you decide to divorce him.

I agree that OP sounds like there is zero chance of her ever voluntarily leaving this marriage. This is truly one of the most depressing threads I have ever read on mumsnet in 8 years.

I agree that OP sounds like there is zero chance of her ever voluntarily leaving this marriage. This is truly the most depressing thread I have ever read on mumsnet in 8 years.

random thought. Is this all one long punishment for you "abandoning" him. Did his mum emotionally abandon him? Is that your unforgivable thing and is it buried so deep in his subconscious he is completely unable to see why he now views you the way he does?

diddums for these poor abandoned blokes babies

is that any excuse to treat their wives with contempt, call them names and use emotional fuckwittery to make them feel they are lower than shit ??

what a crock that is

is it an excuse - no, should the op continue to put up with it no.

But the only chance they have of changing is admitting what their real issues are.

As someone who at times as behaved horribly to others in the past I'm glad that I recognised it for myself and did something about it but not everyone is as willing to face up to themselves.

I'm yet to meet anyone in RL who hasn't at sometime in their lives been cruel sadly it's an inherent part of human nature isn't it.

I can say, with hand on heart, I have never systematically, and over a long period of time, made another person feel as bad as these fuckers have

He won?t lay a finger on you
He won?t wreck your pretty face
But he?ll tell you that you?re worthless
Just to put you in your place
Well, you don?t have to be kicked to be bruised, no
And you don?t have to be hit to be abused

Evangeline, you?re a hard one
Your denial is bolstered by your dreams
Thinking love is gonna save you
But it ain?t love if it?s mean
Evangeline

And the smile that you?re wearing
Is just a lovely veil
For the secrets that you?re hiding
That are just too dark to tell
Well, you don?t have to be cut to be scarred, no
And you don?t have to be struck to leave a mark

Evangeline, you?re a hard one
Your denial is bolstered by your dreams
Thinking love is gonna save you
But it ain?t love if it?s mean
Evangeline

Well, you don?t have to be kicked to be bruised, no
And you don?t have to be hit to be abused

Evangeline, you?re a hard one
Your denial is bolstered by your dreams
Thinking love is gonna save you
But it ain?t love if it?s mean
Evangeline

"Evangeline" by Little Big Town