MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

[aurynne]

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

What a thread!! The last hour of work has just flown

Not much to add just to say that in the main I think the OP is pretty reasonable. I don't think she has disregarded her MIL (whatevs) feelings, just asked her an open question. I think people get so hung up on the MIL thing that they stop treating them like normal people. Someone even said a few posts ago "I would never, ever suggest alternative arrangements to his mother" Really?? I'm always discussing various arrangements with my MIL and sometimes I even offer my own opinion on what would work best for us all.

I get that its 'her house, her rules' but I think OP was right to check if she would really rather they stayed somewhere else than put them in the same room. If she would then that's fine but at least give her the option. Maybe the fact that she's happy to spend 2 weeks with her in-laws (something that loads of people on here thought was madness) goes hand in hand with the fact that she feels able to actually deal with her.

Well so much for not much to add

OP do let us know the outcome after all this. A veritable storm in a MN teacup

So,you´ve asked your boyfriends mum if she would mind if you stay elsewhere.

That seems harmless.
And I assume your boyfriend is also OK with that.

I asked about the posting with strangers as you mention your good friends whose opinions you value-so why as others about it?

MumOfAPickle, You've reminded me of when I got paid to read mumsnet!

How the hell did you swing that Maggie? Sounds like a job I want!

Well,,, it wasn't as good as it sounds! I was working in a small department, supposedly translating spanish documents, but we got hardly any business from Spain?latin America. I sat there trying to look busy for 6 hours hours a day. (there was probably one hour's work a day, maybe two if I helped out with general stuff, but people held on to their work tightly). I mentioned occasionally that I had very little to do. My boss just said, hhmmmmm, but shush, cos if we lose you you won't be replaced. It was torture actually. I had a baby to escape it

I hate being stuck at the office with nothing to do. It gets old really fast. I thought you maybe had a job where watching for interesting Mumsnet stuff was part of the description!

How can anyone whose arms you fall into blissful sleep in night after night be anything other than a soulmate?

Partner/schmartner.

expat

Can you actually fall asleep in someone's arms? DH and I are pretty cuddly/romantic but the whole going to sleep entwined thing has never really worked out.

You end up with someone having a dead arm or a neck being cricked or a leg stuck somewhere it shouldn't be?

I'm slightly concerned how many people are horrified at the idea of talking to your partner's parents without their permission. I do it all the time, because my ILs are lovely, reasonable people with whom it is a pleasure to converse. Maybe the OP's are too?

I do it all the time now too Heathen but I wouldn't have done so that soon into a relationship especially one that maybe needs a bit of sensitivity given the divorce/separation/new girlfriend dynamic.

sprogger mostly these days I am shoving him off my body pillow, it is MINE all mine and I don't want stinky man smells on it.

'Can you actually fall asleep in someone's arms?'

Pah, Morloth! You just don't know twoo wuve, you sad soul you!

(either that or you've never passed out drunk on someone and woken up with his dead weight over you thinking, 'where the fuck am i?' followed by, 'oh, god, i shouldn't have tried to move my head.')

heathen - I talk to my MIL all the time too - but I'd never have called her on a judgement after 7 months of being with DH. Actually, I wouldn't call her on a judgement she made now. (11 years later).

I love my MIL. SHe is fantastic. And I love talking to her. But I don't send her e0mails to tell her that she has it wrong!!

I love the idea of falling asleep in someone's arms. I love the idea of falling asleep in my husband's arms. I love the idea of falling asleep.

AFAIK, none of them happen when you have kids!

Fuck sleeping in his arms, I love a right good rodgering.

EXPAT - you are so funny!!

EXPAT! [grinn]

So I spelled wrong!

Just wanted to say I'm really enjoying this thread.

Hugs,

CJ

hahahahahahaha

I DO fall sleep in his arms, but wake up half an hour later with stiff neck :P

Still no reply from MIL-DPDM-whatever.

And yep, it's Summer in Christmas in NZ, but it usually rains like hell... especially in the farm!

Oh, as someone seemed curious about this: MIL invited me to stay in their house 3 weeks after my partner and I started dating. I did think it was weird, but accepted, slept in separate rooms (as every time we've stayed there so far) and did not complain. That's why I have written to her now, because it has already happened several times and I feel comfortable to raise the matter with her.

Hugs, love and sheep-shagging to all,

Aurynne

back in the day, i used to sleep drunkenly lovingly entwined with the bloke of the moment...though that was alot to do with living in places with small single beds. These days the king size isn't big enough.

still not getting the abuse meted out (esp as this is not AIBU) and indeed the claims that everyone is yelling YABU. just because i haven't spent all day (wo?)manning my laptop to enorce the opposite spot, doesn't mean there is no-one sympathetic to the opposite cause. I am sympathetic, for the last chuffing time, the OP as no problem with staying in a hotel - it appears to be the DPM that has ishoos with them doing that. Might be nice to stay in a hotel over chrimbo anyway - plenty of food & drink and no washing up or hoovering. Great. Why have I never thought of it?

although QShadows made a good speculative point, that doesn't appear quite to be the case - more that the DPM is more than willing to welcome OP into the bosom of the family but only on her terms.

oh and..

fakey air-kiss<

OM

I think in my next e-mail to my MIL I will suggest throwing a party for all MN's posters in her farm. And ALL of us will be sleeping in the same room. With her.

A.

no way! i want to sleep in the bbbaaaarn with the sheep .

Haven't posted on this thread before, but Aurynne, I have to know how your MIL responds. My MIL wouldn't let DH and me share a room before we were married either, but much worse were my mum and dad who not only made DH sleep downstairs on the sofa, but left their bedroom door open so they could hear any tip toeing around in the wee hours.
Bear in mind that I was 31 at this point and DH and I were in the process of buying a house together....