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Original poster

MIL wants us to sleep in separate beds in her house

358 replies

aurynne · 20/09/2009 11:17

Hi there, here goes another MIL thread ;)

My partner's mom is actually a lovely person and she and I get along very well. But there always had to be a "but", doesn't it? When we go to stay with them in their house, my partner and I have to sleep in separate beds! My partner and I are in out thirties and have been together just for 7 months, but for goodness sake, we sleep together every day!

I know that in your house, you set your own rules, however absurd they are. So, last weekend we stayed there I suggested my partner that we could sleep in a hotel instead, and go see his parents in the morning. He replied that "his parents would be very hurt if we did that" (!!!).

So, apparently the rule is not only that when we sleep at their house we do it in separate beds, but actually that we MUST sleep in their house! Is this common behaviour in MILs?

It doesn't bother me that much when it is only a weekend, but we are planning to spend Christmas there and I definitely don't want to sleep in separate beds from my partner for two weeks. And I am not 16, ffs!!!

Any of you has this same problem? Has anybody fund a magic solution that will not offend anyone? Is my MIL's behaviour reasonable?

Thanks in advance for your replies!

Aurynne

OP posts:
hullygully · 22/09/2009 14:38

What is it they do to earn their tips? Some sort of moo chorus, perhaps?

ChoChoSan · 22/09/2009 14:39

I actually don't agree in 'her house, her rules' on this one. In fact I think it is controlling and deeply patronising - you are both adults, ffs!

What difference does it make to her if you share the bed, you do it for the rest of the time, and it's none of her business if you do it in her house, as it has no negative effect on her...answer...ITS ALL ABOUT CONTROL!

I would not visit her under these conditions, stay in a hotel.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:39

Probably moo. Maybe look at you funny, sort of like in the thread on here about cows looking at a person funny.

I'm sure they've got a host of other cow tricks up their sleeves.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:41

We had a houseguest once.

We had rules like 'don't smoke in our house, please' (I was 5 months pregnant with our first) and please don't ring mobiles from our landline.

Such control freaks we are!

Anyhow, DH came into the living room after the first night she spent and the place was as fuggy as a nightclub before the smoking ban.

And she was gabbing away to her boyfriend on his mobile from our landline.

So he threw her out.

What a control freak!

mrsboogie · 22/09/2009 14:41

why are we suddenly talking about looking after babies? you are not comparing like with like.

I have read QS's post and while it is all very thoughtful and understanding of the boyfriend's mother it doesn't say anything about the new gf. Is she not entitled to a POV?

"A different Christmas from the one she had planned" well, what about the OP's right to have the Christmas she had planned? She was invited to stay at their house so the MiL can't have that much of a problem with her or at handling her grief at the end of her son's marriage. Or are we to understand that the Mil'S ability to cope with her grief is stretched to breaking point by the sleeping arrangments? tsk.

They didn't have to invite her. She has done nothing wrong. She didn't break up the marriage. She is entitled to expect to sleep with her partner. If the MiL doesn't like that they can stay at a hotel or MiL can accept that her baby boy has a life of his own now and let them make their own Christmas arragemements.

I'm beginning to wonder whether the overbearing MiL who must not be disobeyed had much to do with the break up of his marriage...

And I know that's a bit of a leap but so is saying that I have no respect for my partner's parents based on what I have said here.

hullygully · 22/09/2009 14:42

I have NEVER liked that MIL. And she's funny with the cows.

Rindercella · 22/09/2009 14:43

MrsB, OP is in New Zealand, where (I believe) it'll be summer at Christams, so not quite the romantic notion you write of.

QS, what an utterly brilliant post from you. I do hope the OP reads that and just a little of your MIL's feelings penetrate her.

I bowed out of this thread as I realised nothing was going to change the OP's opinion that she is right. I also thought she was getting a really hard time, and some of it was quite needlessly rude. However, some other posters' views really do beggar belief.

"who cares what the MiL (oooops said it again)bloody woman's point of view is?...it is plainly daft in a modern society to set such rules for respectful adult offspring. The rules being daft, the OP doesn't have to worry about the POV behind them." Say what? There has been nothing in what the OP has written to suggest that her bf's mother is a bloody woman. The mother's POV is entirely relevant in this matter. I think QS's post has said why this is the case so much more eloquently than I ever could.

I have been with DH for more than 10 years, we've been married for just over 3 and have 1 child together (pg with DC2). I would never, ever suggest alternative arrangements to his mother - even if I did consult him first. It is his responsibility to do that. Just as I would be very miffed if he took it upon himself to do the same with my mother. We both have too much respect for each other and for each other's families for that.

Lastly, the semantics of MIL, partner, etc., are important.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:43

I'm entitled to have my way what have you!

Throws teddy.

Oh, wait, that's my 3-year-old . . .

mrsboogie · 22/09/2009 14:45

expat if said houseguest had said she couldn't accept your ban on smoking and to keep everyone happy would stay in a nearby hotel what would you have said?

smoking is harmful and affects others, sleeping with your partner does not.

to take your analogy to its logical conclusion you would have the OP shagging her DPin front of the PiLs!

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:45

Next time she gets really drunk, hully, give her a quick shove. See if she tips over. Tell you mistook her for a cow.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:46

I'd have told her to book us a room, too. We were living in a real shithole at the time.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:48

'to take your analogy to its logical conclusion you would have the OP shagging her DPin front of the PiLs!'

That's one strange sense of juxtaposition you've got there, mrsb.

LoveBeingAMummy · 22/09/2009 14:48

MAybe lots of people here would ahve better relatonships with their mil's if they were more open and honest and tried to understadn their pov

hullygully · 22/09/2009 14:49

They should all get nekkid and jiggy for Father Chrimbo.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:52

and then go cattle tipping, too, hully!

you forgot that bit!

OrmIrian · 22/09/2009 14:53

Oh dear hully. We only offer him a mince pie and whisky. Do you think he's disappointed?

mrsboogie · 22/09/2009 14:54

maybe this particular MiL would have a better relationship with prospective adult houseguests if she didn't try to enforce her beliefs on them.

hullygully · 22/09/2009 14:54

Let him feel the love in your stockings. It's christmas ffs!

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:54

I wouldn't think so if he's stopped at yours after he's been to hully's, Orm, but why not leave him a cigarette, too ?

hullygully · 22/09/2009 14:56

Daddy Chrimbo likes BIG smoking cuban cigars. Oh no, that's me.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2009 14:57

Bill Clinton likes smoking cigars, too.

hullygully · 22/09/2009 15:13

But apparently gets on v well with his MIL and regularly borrows her stockings for his cow tipping events.

Morloth · 22/09/2009 15:45

It's mostly sheep in New Zealand...

You know all those Welsh jokes you pommies like to make? Well NZ is our Wales

hullygully · 22/09/2009 15:48

I've tipped sheep, they're rubbish compared to cows. Nothing like a big horned beast for a damn good tip.

MaggieBeauLeo · 22/09/2009 16:27

has your boyfriend partner emailed you back??