My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

All I'd say as it's so confusing and you don't know what to do at the moment is - if you can - live apart from him to get your thoughts together. Put your kids first. I know you do, but really really if there is 1% risk....

I think we shall respect and remember that the OP is a real person, and leave any troll calls out.

I am so sorry for you.

But his story sounds like a load of bull. A 17 yo who feels horny enough to wank in a house full of children the eldest being 12 yo? I would need to know so much more and you can get to the bottom of it. You need to go to the police to find out more - there will be details of what happened and I believe you have some kind of access to them.

I personally would not be letting him anywhere near my children at present. It is just a horrific situation and potentially very serious for you all and you need time to work this out.

A 17 yo boy who has just been with his same-age girlfriend, then has to babysit, is probably quite sensible to relieve himself in the bathroom.

blinder, have you actually read the rest of this thread ??

yes, have you seen my other posts?

I'm just addressing jujubean's misconception (through not properly reading the thread) that the boy was masturbating because he was in a house full of children. That's not been stated at all. The OP stated that he was returning from a visit with his girlfriend at the time and that he had gone privately into the bathroom to relieve himself.

It's important not to start changing the facts that's all or this thread could do more harm than good.

err, blinder, I think it is strange to say that a 17 yo tossing one off in an unlocked bathroom when the house is full of kids, including an adolescent girl, is sensible

it matters not a fuck where else he had been that evening

Message withdrawn

I have read through most of the thread. Its so hard for anyone reading the information given. I think when you see the court transcripts or gain info from the police then you will be able to decide what to do.

I flip between thinking that he was just 17 and made a mistake but then thinking yes, he was convicted so what does that mean?

I think the reaction of embarrasment and shutting the door quickly-as though you`ve been caught doing a poo- would probably have been more usual in a 17 year old.

Just read to the end of the thread. I think its really good news that you are meeting a police officer. I also think that it is good news..so far.. that your partner is being so co-operative with you about this.

Oh my god. I cannot believe that the majority of posters believe that the girl was making it up.

I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, but for a conviction to have happened there must have been EVIDENCE.

His explanation was literally 'the 12 year old girl was asking for it.' WTF?

This assumption by many posters that the girl must have lied is really disgusting. Its demeaning to the thousands of children who have been abused and not believed.

She was 12 FFS. If it was your 12 year old daughter being abused by a 17 (almost 18) year old man, what would be your reaction?

OP- I know that this situation must be awful for you. What a horrible position to be in. Only you know the best thing to do.

If it was me, I am sorry, but no matter how 'good' a person I believed him to be until this point, and even with being pregnant, I personally would leave him and make sure he had no contact with any of your children with immediate effect.

When they are adults then they can make up their own minds, but while they are children it is your responsibility to keep them out of harms way.

I speak as someone who was sexually abused by her father. Not only do I have to deal with the fact that he did this to me, but the fact that my mother knew about his past that included so called 'minor' sexual convictions and had been a victim herself but stood by whilst I was abused for years. I'm not even sure which is the worst crime to be honest.

My heart goes out to you OP. Please do not feel that people will judge you. Men like this are very good at putting on a pretense, even to those closest to them. But please do the right thing by your children, even if it rips your own heart apart.

Big hugs,

x

I agree with Duke and Dittany after having read the whole post.

I would leave him.

For the record I did in no way state in my posts that he was masturbating specifically because there were kids around. But to be frank how on earth do we know that this wasn't the case? I don't think we can rule anything out for sure.

What I stand by as being completely and utterly unusual and weird that a boy would have to relieve himself whilst babysitting seven children. 17 yo imo do in no way behave like this no matter how "horny" they are. His explanation that the girl wanted to get it on with him after seeing him wanking just doesn't ring true for me, in fact it sounds like putting the blame on the victim.

I still think you need to contact someone professional who actually knows what went on in the case and take it from there. Good luck.

it is a peculiarly male viewpoint, I think, that the sight of a bloke wanking is in any way a turn-on for a female

I mean, especially to a 12 yo girl who walks in "unexpectedly", it is a kind of ridiculous and animalistic thing to witness, not remotely "sexy"

The male ego eh? Did he really think that people would believe that fiction ?

I've come back to this with a different edge...initially I was feeling sorry for the bloke and thinking about damage limitation for what is obviously a close relationship you have. But now I am thinking more along the lines of the fact he didn't tell you this first off.
i think it's that which would upset me and cause me not to trust the guy - not what he did, but the fact he chose to keep it secret from you.

I'm afraid that would be curtains if I were you. What a horrid shock especially as you're pregnant. I know how that feels to an extent and hope you have some support - have you family nearby?

Let us know how you are if you feel it will help. Thinking of you x

He was 17 and did a very silly thing.

How many people have been caught/ caught someone masturbating? ok, I personally haven't, but there have been all kinds of threads about it - it happens.
Most mature parents wouldn't masturbate with a house full of children, but how many of us have been caught by our kids?

He was 17, horny, probably thought he had locked the door, and did not have the parenting instincts that you get when you have children.

I personally got up to all kinds of things when I was babysitting (kids in bed).

I bet the parents were just extremely pissed off that their 12 year old daughter saw someone masturbate, and went for blood - as many of us would.

Doesn't mean he is a predator. He was not found guilty of having sex with her. Seems very unfortunate.

As for him not telling you...yes in a perfect world he should have - but he is probably still so embasassed and ashamed, and worried.

Sometimes things are shades of grey

I meant how many of us have been caught having sex by our kids btw

Agree with purpleduck - most of the kids may have been asleep in bed (no mention of if they were babies, what time it was etc so can only speculate...). Nor do we know what went on before. For instance, he may have been fooling round with the girlfriend but interrupted close to the crucial bit, leaving him in ahem discomfort after, hence the urgent (for a 17 y-o) need to relieve himself.

Used to work in court so I have seen that juries don't always get it right, particularly when it's one word against another, and as for the idea he'd tell the OP before - what planet are people on? It was half a lifetime ago, deeply shameful, and hardly the sort of thing you'd ever want to speak of, particularly when numerous people have since judged him to be of sound character. Anyway, the OP said the girl later lived with the bloke's mother (till she got booted out) - would you really go and live with the mum of someone who'd abused you? Really?

Abedelia - don't think the girl who won the court judgement later lived with the Mother - it was the one who messaged on Facebook who had lived with the Mother, a different person who was familiar with the story as she was around at the time.

I too am shocked by the amount of people who seem to think this 12 year old girl was making it up that she was asked if she wanted to touch. No wonder so many people get away with abuse.

I feel terribly sorry for the OP, have no idea what I would do in the situation. It's not impossible that a horny 17 year old made a terrible error and that, now grown up, he wouldn't think of sexually approaching a child again...but, it's an awful risk to have to live with.

The fact that this man's mother's boyfriend was found in bed with a young girl (don't think it's been said how old Facebook girl was when she was in bed with the boyfriend) in their house certainly demonstrates that he didn't have great role models around.

That was a different girl abedelia.

OP, I agree with those here who have said to seek all the facts and expert advice you can.

I think it is highly irresponsible of anonymous strangers on the internet to tell you to leave him and relate abuse horror stories when they really know nothing about you and your partner - most of it is conjecture.

There could be any number of explanations for what went on - from worst to best case scenario and the all the ones in between.

I really hope you find a way through this OP.

Good luck.

.

Have named changed for this. Imfallingapart - you have had a wide range of opinions here but I just wanted to tell you my story (sorry - really long).

When I was 9/10 yo my brothers best friend was a very immature 21yo. Over a period of many months he groomed me to take part in activities that were certainly inapporopriate between a man (however immature) and a child (however well developed).

I don't ever remember being told to keep quiet but I knew that what 'we' were doing was a secret.

I can't really remember why it all stopped but I know that he started going out with girls his own age and he eventually got married when I was 13 and he was 25 (he went on to have 2ds and 1dd)

I never told anyone what had happended until I took part in some child protection training and learned about the escalating nature of grooming (hugs/tickles etc leading to more sexualised touching)and it hit me like a punch in the stomach that this is what had happend to me. I went home that night and told my dh (who I'd known for 15 years) what had happended. This was the first time I'd told anyone and my greatest fear was of not being beleived (but also that dh would somehow feel sad that I had not been able to tell him before - but when is the right time?)

I contacted Social Services and told them what had happened and asked that this man be checked out as his dd was then 9yo. I understood that if I wanted to maintain my anonomity then I would never be told the outcome of their investigation.

Three years passed and things happened locally (not personally)that made me fearful my own 2dd safety. It brought it all back to me (had forced it down for years) and I decided that he should take responsibility for his own actions (as I was carrying a load of guilt).

The upshot was that I arranged to meet with him (with my counsellor present) and confront him about his actions.

He admitted what he'd done but said that as I was a tactile person I'd 'led him on' (as 9yo do!) and that he could understand why I felt guilty!. We were in that room for 1 hour and in all that time he would not accept that he'd been the adult and that he'd done wrong. All I wanted was an apology and for him to take the blame. He even admitted that when SS had interviewed him 3 years previously he knew it was me who'd involved them but that he'd "managed to throw them off the scent".

As he couldn't see that he'd done any wrong I then involved the police. They arrested him and I got a phone call a few weeks later to say that as he'd admitted it and appeared to be very sorry (he'd been crying during the interview) then they had given him a caution and put him on the sex offenders register for 3 years.

This was 8 years ago now and the results are:

His wife is with him and they now have step grandchildren visiting the house.

My brother and his wife don't speak to me 'cos they thought I shouldn't have gone to the police and "caused all that trouble".

My other brother accused my counsellor of planting false memories.

In effect he got off scot free and the 'official story'in their social circle is that we were both teenagers and it was a case of "you show me yours and I'll show you mine".

Obviously this is my expereince so I know that it clouds my judgement. All I'll say is that 'my' abuser gave a very convincing impression of being sorry to everyone other than the one person who really knew what had happened (me) and that it takes great courage to involve the police because I know that I was convinced that even as a grown woman I would not be believed.

Please just trust your instincts.

Take care.