My world is crashing down... please help.

[Imfallingapart]

I've just had a message on FB from an aqquantance. She's saying that my DP has a conviction for sexually assaulting a child in 95/96. This would have been when DP was 17/18. I don't know what to think.. what to do.

I have a DS and a DD - not my DP's, and am heavily pregnant by DP.

We went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and i bumped into this woman, and introduced DP to her, little knowing that they already knew each other - she lived with his mother for a few years when younger until his mother discovered her in bed with her (the mothers) boyfriend. Since then, they have had no contact.

I don't know why this woman is saying this, i trust my DP implicitly, or i thought i did. We don't live together, but i have never ever had any doubts about him being around my children. We went to school together, and i've known him for years, and i don't remember anything like this coming to light, that said, i did move away for a year or so around the time it alledgedly happened.

So i know i need to ask him about it. I'm going to be seeing him later today. I need to know the truth. But what do i do if it is true? What if i am having a baby with a peadophile??

I'm sat here in tears and i just don't know what to do. Please help.

I'm with Shineoncrazydiamond.

I think his story sounds like a crock. The whole 'caught having a wank in the bathroom'... If he was feeling 'amorous' surely knowing there were tons of kids around, he'd lock himself in somewhere.

And I think however horny a 17 year old is, most would know it would be horribly wrong to ask a 12 year old girl to look/touch. I'm not saying he did btw, I'm saying I think it's astonishing some here don't think that's creepy and wrong and most nearly 18s would know that.

I'm really sorry OP because you are in a horrendous position, esp as you're pregnant. But I couldn't trust him. You know, what if? What if..?? It would make me see him in a totally different light.

I'm sorry to add to your misery with this post and I wish you all the very best.

Yes, this is about OP - which is why I'm confused why some of you are using my problems to attack me.

As I have earlier stated, nothing on earth is "black and white" and she needs time and information - not a knee-jerk response.

I don't have the answer to this very tricky and upsetting dilemma. The only things I can think of are that I agree that the OP should get professional help and advice, as well as all of the information she can get out of the police. Her other half should totally understand whatever lengths she has to go to, to get comfortable and however long this goes on for (if she is to get comfortable with it which I am not assuming would automatically be possible). He should be happy for her to seek whatever information and proof she wants from whatever source and if he is innocent he should be happy because seeking this is evidence of one thing which is abundantly clear from the posts of the OP. She is a very good mum. And she is about to become the mum of his child. So this protectiveness of her children is exactly what a good dad would want (even if it hurts his pride and tests the trust between them for a while). There are women out that who, when faced with loosing what they think is the love of their life will very quickly believe the love of their life over the safety of their children. So whatever she decides I admire the OP for her concerns and worries and I hope there is an outcome at some stage which works for her and everyone involved.

I practiced as a solicitor for 20 years - this case was almost certainly tried in the magistrates court ( possibly the youth court, without knowing the defendants precise age at time of allegation and first apearance in court impossible to know)There would be no formal transcript prepared - the magistrates and clerk would have taken notes, and even advance disclosure papers may not have been very comprehensive, so it would now be very difficult to fully establish what was said in court. It is very difficult to know whether to take a conviction at face value as justice in the magistrates court can be very rough and ready - most people with their reputations on the line prefer to be tried in Crown Court- but someone in the age group for the youth court would not have had that choice. My personal experience over many years of representing offenders was that sex offenders are seldom "one off", but that some people do commit youthful indiscretions that do not indicate that they are likely to repeat the mistake. Also with sex offenders there are often other signs that they are dangerous, such as a history of being unkind to animals and allegations of violence/bullying against other young people. This is such a difficult dilema and the OP really does need some formal advice from NSPCC for example. If partner has no other history after many years possibly is a one off thing, but any of the other patterns of behaviour I've mentioned should really ring warning bells very strongly. The police officer who dealt with the case may well still be at work in the area and might be a good person to talk to. You can never be complacent with this sort of thing and need to get all the information you can - once represented an organic flour sales rep who was the epitome of respectability on the face of it, until the discovery of horrible photos at his house indicated he was a serial abuser of virtually ever child he had ever come across. Lastly - can't be arsed to name change back for this post - but hopefully it will add credence to the fact I am not a troll on my other thread!

Some times people abuse children with no prior indicators of any kind of wrong behaviour...

i dont think you are a troll confusedandupset

Great post veryconfusedandupset.

The OP said that:

'He was charged with gross indecency in front of a minor. It went to court, and he was found guilty and sentanced to a years community service and placed on the sex offenders register for a year.'

What does gross indecency cover? Can you get a conviction like that by being 'caught in the act' of masturbation, or would he have needed to deliberately involve the child in the act?

Does 'placed on the sex offender's register for a year' mean that he is no longer on it? Does that mean that he was not considered a long-term threat?

It is a risk to be involved with someone with a dubious event in their past, but also a risk to end your relationship with the father of your child. I feel for the OP. I don't feel this is as cut and dried as some of the posters.

I agree that the NSPCC helpline would be a great source of information for her.

Interesting point re nature of charge "gross indecency" was a s13 Sexual Ofences Act charge relating - so far as I can recall - to sexual activity between men in public places ( though cannot be 100% certain had no other application) so I doubt that the description of the offence is an accurate definition of the charge that was brought. The length of registration on the sex offenders register depends on the penalty imposed - for sentances of imprisonment it is longer. For a conviction not resulting in imprisonment at 18 1 year would be the standard registration period. The offence will always show up on an enhanced CRB check to ensure any prospective employer entitled to carry out such a check ( working with children or vulnerable adults0 is aware.

wheniwishuponastar - good point - Dr Shipman is the prime example here - though there was a lot of odd stuff in his background

I do not know whether the Ops DP is telling the truth or not in this case. But, for those who are so keen to dismiss the possibility that the girl in the case was lying, I seem to remember a thread a few months back where somebodies niece ( I believe) had made an allegation against a male teacher at her school and it turned out she was lying about it. There have also been a number of cases reported in the press over the past few years. The ones that are reported are only the cases where the truth comes to light. Therefore, it is possible that this is one of those 'rare' cases where the girl has lied and got away with it.

I don't know what the way forward is for you OP. for you being in this situation.

The full text of the Highbeam definition goes on to clarify that this offence is between males, andhaving had the opportunity to check my Blackstones Criminal Practice it is aga in defined as between males - the usual charge for masturbating in foront of a child would be"Indecency with children act 1960, s1" which covers inciting a child to commit indecency with the offender - sure it would be this act as the leading case Francis (1988) is actually about masturbating in the presence of young boys. I only make the point because if the conviction is checked and comes back as being under the 1960 act it doesn't mean the OP's partner was not being truthful about what happened.

No, Shineon, i'm not a troll, sadly. Just a normal, average everyday MNer who's had her fucking life turned upside down. How i wish i were a troll. What i am is heart weary, confused, scared and most of all tired.

I have been to the police today and spoken to a lovely officer who is coming to see me over the weekend. I told her exactly what has happened, what he has told me, what his mother has told me. She said i was right to be concerned, but also to take comfort from the fact that he the offence was not thought serious enough to be given a custodial sentance.

I have spoken to him again today and asked him to send off for an enhanced CRB check, which he said was no problem. I've also asked to see any paperwork he has reguarding this, and he is bringing it over to me tomorrow.

At the moment it feels like i have done all i can physically do. I also feel like i have taken all i can.

Imfalling stay strong.

IMO people have used this thread to vent rather than help. IMO you are doing the right thing. I so hope it works out for you.
(((((HUGS)))))

Having read the original post and resulting responses, I feel even sorrier for the op than when I read her first correspondence! Bad things happen to good people. She's trying to find her way through a situation which if and when shared with people from RL will change their opinion of her and her world FOREVER. Give her your opinion - she's asked for it, but ask yourself- am I responding out of my concern/knowledge/experience or am I forgetting this could be (enough already with the troll alert)real, and therefore not an appropriate vehicle for my ego? Will now retreat to lurk only status

Imfalling - sounds like you are doing everything possible to find out the facts and keep a sense of balance in the meantime. I hope it all works out ok for you. I'm glad your DP is working hard to put your mind at rest.

Well done, IAF, I hope the police will be able to shed some independent facts and context which will make it easier to make decisions.

I am a bit hazy about this, but presumably the police person who is coming to see you will have access to the same database which is used to give an enhanced CRB disclosure? Maybe this is something you could ask, if you don't already know.

Aw I am gutted for you.

Can totally understand that you need to keep your children safe - that's your foremost concern.

But you built up feelings for this man, feelings that can't just be turned off overnight.

I think what doesn't lie easy with me is the fact he didn't tell you about this, that you had to find it all out from a stranger...

then the other side of the coin, I am in court a lot through my work, I cam assure you that any judge worth his salt would have imprisoned him for any offences of a more serious nature... IS this man destined to be punished all his life for a mistake when he was 17? (his explanation does sound true but it's not up to me, you're the one involved with him).