Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

This thread has been going since August. Twoteachers has had a lot of support from readers and I for one am proud both of them and her.

I hope Cornflowers can get her post deleted before twoteachers sees it.

i can't imagine how hard this must be. but if you didn't take this stand you'd continue to feel shit and he'd continue to think he got away with it, even worse, feel he did the right thing.

this way he is forced to admit to the world that he is a monster and he will never walk away from that stigma.

your own family is more important than ever now and they're what count. look after yourself and them.

Dad was at the Crown Court yesterday (I didn't need to attend) and his case will come to trial in just under 15 weeks from now. I don't really understand all the detail but "there are automatic reporting restrictions in place" which I gather is good news for me. Dad was remanded in custody. I am still getting lots of support and my Head Teacher (and my tutor group) are being totally brilliant. It is very strange not being allowed contact with Mu.

thanks for update twoteachers.

Tis great that you are getting lots of support through this - I can't begin to imagine how awful it must be - I guess it's one day at a time?

Very glad to hear you have lots of support TT, your strength through this really has been amazing.

Just checked in to see of there was more news.

I can't believe how much has happened since you started this thread.

Glad you have support, and hope you are managing to stay strong.

Saw your thread had come up again, and want to wish you well too. Must be hard for you to face into the next 15 weeks, but keep posting and glad you have support in RL too.

followed this thread from the beginning but felt unable to offer any useful advice.

Just wanted to say good luck. You have been amazingly strong.

good luck two teachers
I think being remanded in custody is a very good sign
lots of my family have sided with my father despite him being found guilty of ( very similar) offences

Odd.... I sleep easier since his conviction. He is out and free ( aside from police checks every so often)

I think your Dad sounds like the pretence that he has done no harm has almost made him believe it himself

Giving evidence ( i had a shield thing) is hard but at the same time liberating. I mentally threw my heart and soul into the courtoom - years of wishing I could speak my pain made the horror of doing so -easier

good luck with it all

It seems ages since I needed to post an update - 2 months in fact.

I have been on a visit to the Court (no issue with the school giving me the day off BTW) to get an idea of what will happen at the trial. I have decided not to opt for the screen as I want to see my Dad when I give evidence.

Not so long to go now. I am lucky that I have so many people to support me, Dad has nobody except his pals from the Golf Club who, I am told, have had a collection to get him better legal help. Why?

Presumably because he has told them his own version of what he's in for. I wonder if they'll be so supportive if/when they hear the true details? Worrying if they do still support him after that, as it suggests some scary things about their own values and possibly private lives...

Meanwhile, good luck, keep going, and hooray for your decent employer.

Keep strong TT. It's worth remembering that on one level you already have won. Your father has been exposed. He has spent time in prison. Your Mother is no longer propping up his web of lies. The police and the CPS all believe you. You will get your opportunity to have your day in court and tell the world what he did to you.

I truly hope that this will ultimately be a carthatic experience for you, whatever the eventual outcome and that you, like Posy, will be able to sleep better afterwards.

It still amazes me how far you have come since the beginning if this thread TT.

If your father hadn't insisted in moving to live close to you, things may have stayed the same for who knows how long. Possibly forever.

You are so brave and strong, and hopefully this will be over soon and you will be able to get on with your life.

TT I am also thinking of you. You have been so brave, Hopefully the court case will be underway soon.

As for his golf club mates- hopefully they will realise eventually.

Im soo angry at your post! Im sorry but how can inappropriate touching be 'accidental' how can u accidentally touch someone esp a child in the wrong way???? Thats not accidental, thats sick. Ur parents remind me of mine, though our issues are not abt physical abuse. Im sorry but ur mum is weak (much like my dad) ur mum will follow ur dad even if he was to throw himself off a cliff so i dont think its any use 'talking' or trying to make her understand, she will come with excuses and deny everything (exactly like my dad!) she will never take ur side, she didnt take ur side when it was actually happening, shes not going to take it now. And ur dad, i cant even put it in words how evil and sick he was and stil is. Wt ever you say to him, i think you should say it confidently and actually stand upto him and confront him. This way hel know ur not afraid, ur not going to brush it under the carpet and will go to any extent to protect ur children!! Standing upto him will put fear in his mind that ur going to make a big deal of it n that should put him off!!! Good luck and most of all dont be afraid your not in the wrong position!

The trial is over (it ended yesterday) and my Dad got a total of 40 months in prison (less the time he was on remand)

I don't know what I think except I am so grateful to the people who have helped me. My DH, MIL and FIL, my Head Teacher, my friends and of course the people on Mumsnet.

I'm back to work on Monday.

Well done, I hope you cope with the emotional aftermath I'm sure it's been a very difficult time and I'm assuming there are many many emotions to come to terms with. Fantastic to hear that you have had some great support from those close to you.

Well done on remaining strong and getting justice. You are amazing and I hope this verdict somehow helps you move forward.

twoteachers I hope you're ok. I imagine you're in a bit of numb state of shock. I'm glad you have RL support. x

I don't know what to say after reading the whole thread tonight, exept good for you. Please enjoy the rest of your life now knowing that you've not done anything wrong.
Celebrate privately and quietly with DH and plan ahead for your future together. Smile and take a deep breath and step forward with your head held high.
Have a great life x

Yes numb shock is how I feel.

I expect people here will think that I am weak and stupid to even consider having a relationship with my Mum (12 months sentence, suspended for 12 months) but I don't think I can cope with having no parents at all.

I don't want to talk about the court case. At least not yet. It was not as nasty as I thought it was going to be and I am pleased I didn't accept the offer of a screen. I only cried twice and the judge (a lady) was very understanding and gave me a short break each time.

I'm not sure it's weakness to consider a relationship with your mum. She did, finally, stand up for you. I think it's impossible to understand why she didn't protect you when you needed it but your father must have seemed very powerful in your household and may have been abusing your mother also. I suppose also it depends on whether she has a continuing relationship with your father?

I think it's up to you what you do (obviously!) and I wouldn't worry or wonder what other people think. You may need/want a relationship with your mother now but may find that this changes. It's about you and what you want and need. Please, please take good care of yourself and put yourself first.

Twoteachers, your strength through this has been amazing. You have been completely and utterly vindicated.

I certainly don't think you are weak/stupid for considering a relationship with your mother. As Belledame says, what other people think doesn't matter a jot this is about what you want and need.

You are amazing twoteachers; and having a relationship with your mother would not be a weak thing to do. It shows that you are really strong and really kind