Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

What a bastard

Is it possible at all that you can give evidence behind a screen?

Who else have you got to support you through this apart from your DH? Have you spoken to rape crisis or any other kind of organisation that could support you through this process?

Oh twoteachers, how awful. It does seem pretty consistant with the way your dad has behaved throughout. I hope you can keep strong enough to go through the trial and see this man get the punishment he clearly deserves.

I hope your DH is back and you are getting all the real life hugs you need. In the meantime here's a from me. xx

TT - I'm sorry to hear that, but it does seem consistant with his behaviour so far. However, if his display at the police station is anything to go by, if your lawyer needles him sufficiently, he should make a show of himself there too and maybe you wont have to give evidence.

I know it must seem like the most awful thing to have to do, but please just remember you were a child, they are the adults & parents, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up - you know we will all be right behind you! x

If you have a good friend, I think it's time you confided in them - get as much RL support as you can - for real hugs x

Yes, I'm not surprised (although terribly, terribly sorry for you). He hasn't shown any remorse, he's probably got some plan to go to court and show that he was just a wonderful father who is misunderstood, etc.

But it might still change, a lot of people accept lesser please at the last second.

And if not, we're here for you and will be your shoulders and your cheer squad as long as you need us.

Have the police decided what the charges are now, then?

Have only just seen this thread and wanted to add my support two teachers and tell you how well you are doing.

I have been through similar (pressed charges against my dad), however in my case my mum and he were no longer together and I still have my mum in my life, TBH I wish I had addressed my issues with both parents at the time and often wonder if I have done the right thing keeping her in my life.

I am not surprised at your dad pleading not guilty (mine did the same) IMO it is in the hope you will drop the charges rather than testify. Mine changed his plea to guilty at the very last minute and avoided jail time because of this. It would be foolish of him really if they have his diaries as evidence wouldn't it.

I am glad you have lots of RL support, are you receiving any counselling?

Hi TwoTeachers, I am so sorry to read what you've gone through. Have read the whole thread, but first time posted on it. I think that he's continuing the bullying strategy that he's always done - and agree with above posters that he may hope that you will be intimidated and drop the charges. Try and stay strong and resolute - because the truth is on your side. Good luck.

so sorry to hear this. but not surprised, because he's the worst kind of person - someone who preys on a small defenseless child. and he's trying to put you back in that situation hoping you'll back down. but this time you have the CPS on your side and your whole family and you are not defenseless.

your dad has everything at stake to fight for. if he pleads guilty he is admitting to his friends and family that he is a monster. he doesn't want to go to jail.

hang in there. you might not have to testify. you have nothing to feel ashamed about or guilty of.

I have had some wonderful wonderful news!

My Mum has been to police and changed her statement and has moved out of the family house is is now living with her parents!!
She was so shocked over the weekend at the way Dad was boasting about "getting away with it" and how I would be "crushed like a bug" in court that on Wednesday she went to police and changed her story.

I am now waiting for CPS to phone with further details but perhaps things are starting to improve.

twoteachers that is wonderful!

twoteachers

Hopefully the CPS will be able to give you further good news.

You need your day in court; your father deserves to go to jail for a long time for what he did to you as a child. Both your parents let you down completely.

Just read your thread, I am so sorry you have been through this, you are so so incredibly brave to stand up against your prents, I truely hope he is punished for what he did to you

twoteachers - thank God your mum has finally done the decent thing...she's very brave, I think, because she's been living with this bully of a man of a long, long term. This will definitely work in your favour - he may well change his plea. So pleased that you've had some wonderful news...finally your mum has put you first, which of course she should have done from the start, but like I say, she's been living with a bully for many years.

TT I have just read your thread. I think you are wonderfully brave and I'm so pleased by your latest news.

twoteachers I have just read your thread and have tears in my eyes for what you have been/are going through. I am so glad your Mum is finally doing the right thing, your strength and determination will pay off in the end. Good luck XXX (I know we're not meant to put kisses but this is a special case)

I've just read this whole thread for the first time and felt close to tears at what you've been through. I very nearly did cry when I read your last message about your mum. I'm so thrilled that finally the bastard is going to get what's coming to him.

oh WOW!!! i'm so glad your mum is standing up for you!

Im so glad that finally your mum is standing up for you. Its been a long time coming!

Thats great news TT, but be prepared for still having to attend court and give evidence. He sounds like he is very arrogant and may even want to hear you giving evidence for his own perverse desires.
If you do have to give evidence and he is found guilty he will get a longer/tougher sentence.

I hope all goes well on Wednesday for you, please let us know what happens

Just read this thread and I am horrified by your story - but heartened at how someone who has been through so much can turn out so well balanced. Good Luck

I have had the phone call I was waiting for and it is a mixture of good news, bad news and "wait and see" news.

Dad is to be charged with sexual assault and with assault occasioning actual bodily harm. His defence is to deny the first and claim the second was reasonable chastisement. The advice given to me is that the second charge is "a given". Dad accepts that he hit me with a cane over 30 times and this is confirmed by his diary and by Mum. (I just remember it being lots ) This is a long way above the threshold of reasonable but it would depend on the jury.

The first charge comes down to what I remember plus his diary entry plus what he said to Mum straight after against his flat denial (he says his diary entry was "just" an erotic fantasy with nothing real about it.

I now have to wait to see if he will plead guilty in exchange for a reduced sentence.

It is the last day of the school holidays and I will be glad to get back to work to take my mind off all that is going on. Thank you all so so much for your support.

Twoteachers, I'm so pleased about the news about your Mum. That must lift a lot of the feelings of betrayal.

As for the rest, I think you're awfully strong and you're doing so well, and whatever happens he's going to get some gaol time now right?

And to think, this started because they couldn't leave you alone.

TT- I couldn't read and not post. I feel so much for you.

Stay strong. You are doing so well.

My Dad was arrested at 5:45 this afternoon "following a breach of his bail conditions".

I guess that as I write this he is in a cell somewhere. Well I hope they throw away the key and let him rot there until the Magistrates see him on Monday(?) I don't know much about this sort of thing. Will he stay in prison until the court case?

OP, I think it will depend on the nature of the breach Do you know what his bail conditions were, and which condition he breached?