Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

TT - it's all happening really fast isn't it. I'm pleased if your Mum has finally seen (some) light, but I do hope it's not to 'get out of' any trouble she would have been in. Even if it's not and she is genuine, she has a lot of making up to do, a lot. As for your Father, I hope he gets whatever you feel is right.

As others have said, it's amazing that you have come out of this such a lovely and balanced person, it's all credit to you.

Good Luck for Wednesday 'speak' to you then.
Stay strong x

The family liaison officer tells me he was arrested because Mum's statement made it possible to prefer more serious charges against him and an increased likelihood of magistrates not granting or renewing bail.

Something like that anyway. My head is in a total whirl and I need to calm down because school starts on Monday (CPD day) with kids back on Tuesday.

Lots of deep breaths.

You're doing really well. Obviously, your mmum's statement reinforced and perhaps added more to your statement. It's all true, you now that you have truth on your side. So hold onto that. He'll get what he deserves. Once he has, then you can breath a big sigh of relief, and put it behind you. You've been so brave, just keep going for a bit longer, we're here, rooting for you.

Deep breaths is right. There's not a whole lot you can really do otherwise, except to hurry up and wait. Sending you lots and lots of good wishes.

It's possible that cooling his heels in the lock up will give your dad a bit of time to do some thinking. Your mum's about-face has got to have been quite a shock to him, and depending on how strong his sense of self-righteousness is, he may be considering a guilty plea to whatever lesser charge may be made. However, this may not be enough to keep him from jail if your mum has given a statement that implicates him in additional crimes or if it allows the prosecutor to upgrade the charges that were already pending, or if it provides the corroboration necessary to make the case against him watertight. He may decide to go for broke and force a trial if he thinks even a guilty plea to lesser charges could still land him in jail.

In any case, he's on his own trying to defend whatever charges are brought now that she's jumped ship. He can't claim any more that the sexual abuse was just an erotic fantasy now that she's given a statement that possibly backs yours (I don't see how he could have convinced anyone of that anyhow since your memories and his diary entries must have had eerie similarities). And now she has presumably backed up your claims about beatings too.

I hope you can find out more details on the charges, so you can prepare for what's ahead. I would think his goose is cooked (I sincerely hope it is anyway) but it's not going to be pleasant for you as it all unfolds.

And you'll be left afterwards with a lot of decisions on how or whether to put it all behind you, possibly a lot of work on your relationship with your mum, regardless of the outcome of the case.

XXXX to you and your lovely DH and ILs.

Just read through the thread and wanted to say I am thinking of you and your DH as you battle through all this. You are so much stronger than you think and you have come sooooo far.

Be cautious if you renew contact with your mum again - I think the temptation to see her as finally 'seeing the truth' would be strong, but I would want to be sure she wasn't just getting herself out of trouble. I think the therapist would be a good person to help plan any future that might involve your mother - they sound wise to the ways of those who abuse or facilitate abuse.

I am so glad the CPS and police have taken action and I think your Dad sounds extremely deluded and dangerous. You are very brave to face all this head on and I think in time to come you will be very proud of yourself. I hope you and your DH are able to look after each other in the ways you need right now in the middle of all this stress.

Thinking of you. Glad you have some fantastic support x

Just read your update Twoteachers. I'm so glad that charges have finally been brought, and that your Mum is being honest with the police.

I hope you are managing to start the new term feeling okay.

I really don't understand how people without family and friends to support them cope with court cases like mine without going totally bonkers! It is just so stressful !

OK - well (all this thanks to FLO) Dad has entered a not guilty plea on both charges and has been remanded in custody. No bail for him!

I think I have got this correct. It all goes to the Crown Court for various admin jobs and a full trial date gets fixed. This might be anything up to 15 weeks from this first hearing.

If he is found guilty he could several years in prison (as in 3 or 4).

My Mum is not allowed to talk to me and is still with my grandparents.

My tutor group at school seem to have worked out that I am a sad little soul so are behaving well. Will it last?

Oh bless your tutor group.

They must be taking this case very seriously to have remanded your father in custody. That must make you feel a bit better, knowing he is a safe distance from you.

Good lukc, and much strength for the next while.

Just a quick update.

The time/place for the first Crown Court hearing has been confirmed - according to the FLO (she has been excellent BTW).

Nobody as far as we know is visiting Dad in prison. At least if they are they are not admitting to it.

I am now under doctor's orders to eat more. My weight has dropped out of the normal range because of all the stress so it is chocolate and chips for me.

I will post again if there is anything new to report. PS The support from here has been a big help to me!!!

twoteachers you're a brave and wonderful woman.

You are doing really well, it must be like living in the middle of a nightmare, do look after yourself like the doctor advises. Hope you mum is ok too - must be difficult having no contact with her.

Twoteachers, I hope all the chips give you a nice warm feeling inside. you deserve it!

I haven't seen any of your updates for many many months but I was following it from the beginning.

Wishing you lots of strength, hopefully when this over you can start moving forward happily.

Wow TT I've just read through this, and think you're amazing!
Lots of cyber hugs coming your way!

Hope everything goes ok for you and he gets what he deserves!!

xxx

hang in there!!!!

TwoTeachers do take good care of yourself, glad you are being kept up to date with it all.

You are doing really amazingly well to manage all this without just hiding under your duvet - I hope you and your DH are able to give each other some great support at the moment in spite of the stress.

Chocolate is marvellous food as well. Glad to hear the court date is set and that your dad is where he cannot harm anyone, especially you.

It is really startig to hit me that quite soon I am going to have to describe in detail and to strangers what my Dad did to me.

And when its all over it I'm never going having a Dad again and probably no relationship with my mum either. He might get a few years in prison but I have got all this for ever.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LET HIM WIN!!!

Twoteachers, brace yourself and do it. It will be so worth it. You owe it to yourself. You've already shared plenty on here, and so it won't be entirely new. Everyone in that court will have been a child once, and everyone can put themselves in your shoes, even if they weren't beaten and abused to the extent you were.

Regarding the 'reasonable chastisement' argument -- I don't think this is going to wash. You are a teacher, after all, not some crack smoking biker babe. (And whipping you with a cane would be reasonable chastisement for what? Burning down the house? Slashing the tyres of the car? )

Is this genuine?

FHS Cornflowers

Cornflowers, how could you read all this and actually ask that? Twoteachers has had a pretty awful traumatic time lately, I don't think she needs to think we doubt her.