Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

DH has been wonderful. The court case was so hard for him. Hearing graphic descriptions of your wife as a teenager being beaten and groped and seeing her crying in the witness box is a lot to have to cope with. What husband has not slipped his hand up his wifes nightie for a friendly fondle but on some bad days DH has had to ask me to pull my nightie up for him first.

I have a couple more challenges to overcome before I am "better". The hardest, as in zero progress so far, is to be able to cope with anything more than the most gentle of taps on my bottom with anything but DH's hand. That one might be beyond me.

Sorry should have put , even DH's hand.

Hi twoteachers.

I have just read your thread this evening for the first time-not sure how I missed it before. Anyway, I just wanted to say what a brave and inspirational woman you are.

Reading this has brought back some painful memories as I too was sexually abused by my father when I was young and also had a mother who knew what was going on and did nothing to stop him. (In some ways I feel more betrayed by her than him.) My parents are both dead now and I feel very bitter and angry that my father was never brought to justice for what he did to me. Im so glad that you got (a little bit) of justice.

Like you Im married to a lovely man who has always been very supportive and patient with me. We are currently attending Relate sexual therapy as I also have problems with him seeing me naked etc and it has been very helpful.

What happened in my childhood has had such a massive impact on my present life. I still have same bad days, nightmares and flashbacks but I am so very grateful for all the good things that I have got in my life now (ie my husband and children) and I try to focus on that instead (although that is sometimes easier said than done).

If you dont mind me saying please dont ever think about sending your father a card or getting in touch with him in any way-he is a MONSTER who you do not need or want anywhere near you. I would also have nothing more to do with my mother if I were you (as far as Im concerned she is as much/if not more to blame than your father) but I know from experience how hard this can be.

I wish you the very best of luck for the future with your husband (who also sounds lovely.) Never forget how courageous you are.

Wow, I have just read the last 6 pages and I have been on an emotional roller-coaster; shock, anger, sadness and a "you go girl" fist pump.

I'd just like to echo the many sensible souls who have gone before, you have done soooo well and I am heartened and in awe of your courage.

I am sorry you have had to go through any of this but the way you have handled it and the way you continue to face up to the challenges that your parents "dysfunction" have wrought makes me proud.

I hope 2011 brings you much contentment.

It is school holidays (again!) so time for an update.

I have had no contact at all with either of my parents. I am glad that they seem to have respected my request for them to leave me strictly alone.

DH and I have taken the advice offered here and we have been to a therapist together. We had no real choice but to go private because there is such a long waiting list via the NHS. It hasn't really helped too much yet but evetually perhaps we will see some progress towards normality. I can still manage letting DH undress me but some of the previous "no go" areas are still exactly that. This makes me very sad for DH who has been endlessly patient with me.

I am so sorry that you've had to endure all this - as a child, as an adult, finally as witness against your own parents, and as a wife. I'm ever so proud of you! It's also a credit to you that you picked such a fabulous husband, despite the dismal examples your father and mother set.

Thank you for the post where you wrote "she actually quite enjoyed it". This is the one thought I never dared entertain about my own mother, despite the evidence staring me in the face.

It's just 18 months since you started your thread and 15 since your decision to take action. It's been a shockingly intense time. You've faced facts, forced your parents to face them and have broken their conspiracies of silence (plural because of the golf club). What you've done breaks several strong taboos and was very distressing for you. I imagine you must be in some sort of shock. You need to give yourself longer to rebalance!

The truth is out there. Your father can no longer pretend there was anything at all excusable about his actions. He abused the child you were and now, as a woman, you have obtained justice for her. With some steady counselling - and a holiday! - you'll come to terms with your new, fresher circumstances. Be gentle with yourself :)

What an amazing story - you have acheived what so many adult survivors of abuse are not able to. You are an inspiration.

Wow, if you are still about I just wanted to say that you have done yourself proud, as has been said already I hope that you keep growing x

Take it from someone who knows - you've spelt it out for your mother and she still doesnt want to hear what you're saying!! Your father is a pervert - what happens god forbid when you have dcs? My advice is that you could probably live quite happily without having anything to do with them - you may even I suspect be far happier. Get a backbone and goodluck x

If anyone already has a backbone it's Twoteachers.

Try reading the entire thread Cake - it's more than obvious TT has plenty of backbone.

I am sitting at home rather than a home because my foot and ankle is in plaster! 100% my own fault since although I was playing netball with the students I just fell over my own feet! Once I have mastered the crutches I will go back to work.

But the good news is that I think my problems have finally gone away!!

Dad is still in prison, Mum doesn't even try to make contact and all the things that seemed impossible (like DH being "allowed" to undress me) now seem routine and easy. The therapist didn't want to use the word cured but I could tell by her beaming smile that she agreed with my diagnosis!

Ah now, that's what I call a happy ending - foot notwithstanding. Or not standing with foot. Ahahaha.

Congratulations on reclaiming your life.

Just read all this. You are fantastic. Really, you are.

Wow this is an amazing story- I have just read it all. Congratulations on getting your life back.

Hope you are back on your feet soon!

Congratulations!
I'm sure you won't let a little broken ankle (?) get in your way. Well done.

I have just read your thread and you are blinkin' amazing. You have shown so much courage and strength of character.

Hope your leg heals soon, though maybe you will be off till the end of term? :)

Thank you for posting, I followed your thread from the beginning and you are an inspiration. It is so so great to hear how well you are doing now.

I've just read the whole of this thread since it popped up on 'active' and it has made me feel quite emotional.

I am totally in awe of your strength. Good luck to you :)

I was directed here from my own thread. The similarities make my stomach turn.
You have been very brave indeed and I am glad you have made it through intact and then managed to go a good way to making yourself whole again. This is something I want more then anything, to get through to police side and the family side and then go on to try and make me at least a little better, a little more normal in my reactions, just to make this all have something that is positive about it. I can't write much now as I have to go out but will be back later.

Glad things are going well for you except the plaster of course!

That is so good to hear, Twoteachers. Not about your ankle, of course (keep it elevated-really helps with pain management).

I raise my glass (diet soda-whatever ) with congratulatory toast:
To TwoTeachers!

If there is anybody out there going through the same nightmare then I can offer some words of hope and advice.

I had a support network who have helped me. My DH, MIL and FIL, my Head Teacher, my friends and of course the people on Mumsnet all played a part. Right from the start I decided to tell people the whole story rather than being evasive.

The Court case was bad but not nearly as bad as I had expected. I will never regret having my day in court. If I had done nothing I would have let the monster win. That could not be allowed to happen

I have just read the entire thread while my baby is sleeping and have no words really. You are an inspiration. Very best wishes,

Frog.

twoteachers - I have never read any part of your experience on here before, I am so glad you shared it. I have just read your posts throughout and you seem to have been so level headed throughout the whole process which started over two years ago!

You are evidence that coming out about abuse is a good thing, that it will help heal people. You have shown how children take on blame for the abuse meted out on them. How abusers take advantage of childrens vulnerability. You have shown how 'clever' they can be. You have shown how the police HAVE to follow things up and that the public need to insist that they do. You have shown that an abuser can get people on his side and turn them against you. You have also shown that mother doesn't always know best.

My guess is that writing your experience on here will also have far reaching benefits to many children, outside the world of Mumsnet and beyond your own family. I hope you are VERY proud of yourself and give yourself all the credit you deserve.