Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

Very moving tale Twoteachers, all power to you.

Look forward to all the good times that you will have in the rest of your life.

Very proud of you TT. And I wish you all the best for your future

JUst seen this TT. So glad that the trial is finally over for you.

I hope you can get some peace now. :)

I am finding very difficult to deal with Mum's situation. She needs both emotional and practical support with Dad in prison but I have issues of my own that she and Dad caused.

She doesn't want to come to my house in case she meets my DH or his family. The family home is still rented out so she is living in a different rental home where she doesn't know people.

So far we have met once since the trial ended in the local country park where there is a small cafe. It is hard to know what to talk about when there is the proverbial elephant sitting in the corner that neither of us dare mention. She did ask in all seriousness if I would be visiting Dad in jail. I think not!

I did get a lovely letter from his golf club pals who now realise more of what he was like.

Glad to hear the golf club pals have seen the error of their ways, and very nice of them to write to you and say it.

It must be awfully hard to deal with you Mum. i'm afraid I have no advice, just wnated you to know I'm thinking of you.

Guilty!

Well done, TT.

WRT your mum, I would be inclined to have her go to counselling of some sort to try to understand why it would be completely inappropriate for her to suggest you visit your father in prison, or you will end up with salt in the woulds again and again. She seems to not really get it; the trouble with living so close to the elephant all this time. Is there anything the court could recommend for her?

TT I have just read the whole thread and I wanted to say how proud I am of you for having the courage to report it to the police, and for being brave enough to go to court and give your evidence.

Sadly, I didn't, and I know of a vicar in the CofE who I feel is a risk to anyone vulnerable he meets. Due to the legislation in force at the time of the offences it was ruled 'out of time'.

So, well done, and feel proud of yourself for what you have done.

I agree that it would be an idea for you mum to have couselling. Perhaps, in an incredibly small way, she is a little bit of a victim herself. Perhaps that's being too generous.

It is half-term at school so time for an update.

Well I was wrong and my friends and family were right. We all agreed that my Mum would need practical and emotional support after the court case and my Dad getting send to prison but I had assumed (hoped really) that it would be from some experienced outside source not from me.

Instead she is going round acting as if she was the victim of the violence and sexual abuse rather than me. This is making me so angry and upset that I am really going to have to consider breaking all contact with her. She is certainly telling her neighbours a pack of lies conveniently forgetting what the judge said about her.

Unbelievably she still wants me to go on the prison visits with her. As if I would even consider it!

So sorry to hear that your mum has reverted to her toxic behaviour after a brief flirtation with remorse.

FWIW I think your instinct to cut all contact is the right thing to do. Life's too short to have to work so hard to maintain a relationship with someone who is so damaging to your mental health and happiness, even if that person is your mother.

If you are apprehensive about cutting all ties perhaps tell her that you're not happy with the lies she's been telling, and say that you want some space to consider your relationship, you'll contact her in the new year to see if you can establish a positive relationship.

Your strength in dealing with this horrific family situation has been inspiring. Stay strong and don't doubt yourself - your parents are the ones who are absolutely in the wrong.

The problem is probably that she has to believe her own version of events for self-preervation. Which is exactly why she needs professional help but how on earth you make that happen I don't know.
But just to say I believe she is probably living in her own version of reality, and until/unless she seeks counselling of some sort, you are better off cutting ties because you will get nowhere with her.

tt Have followed this thread and not posted before. I agree wholeheartedly with queenofP. Another blow for you to deal with sorry .

Twoteachers,

your mum is trying to behave as if she is blame free. You do not need to play along with her. My advice is to ask her directly why she keeps asking you if you are going to visit your dad - that he is a sexual predator and why is she going to visit him? Why is she behaving as if she is the victim in the whole thing and if it continues that you will have to cut her loose from your life also.

She needs to be faced with some hard truths, she is making me so

honestly, she needs to catch herself on! im so annoyed for you that this is what you are having to put up with. I was in a very similar situation and it angers me so so much

I have decided to follow the advice I have been offered here and, to be fair, also by DH and his parent.

I have now told my Mum that her whole attitude since the trial has been deeply upsetting to me and that I need to have a couple of months without any contact with her.

This was one of the most difficult conversations of my life but I'm happy in my own mind that it was the correct thing to do.

Good for you - you are the most important person in all this and it's wonderful to see a strong woman putting herself first.

Your DH and PILs sound fab too.

Good for you twoteachers, unless your Mum can recognise and accept the reality of what happened to you, and her guilt and complicity, then any relationship you try to foster with her is going to be unsound. I'm so glad the court case ended with the right verdict and really hope you are able to get on with your life and put this behind you.

You've been so strong and brave and reasonable throughout. You deserve a fresh start.

It is such a long time since I visited here. My Mum did respect my request to be left alone so apart from a box of Christmas presents with a letter that arrived in a van on Friday there has been no contact between us at all.

I don't know where I want to go from here. Mum's letter is a thoughtful and sad one - I think that she has finally seen that she must accept some of the responsibility for what happened. I don't want to cut all ties for ever with her but contact will need to be on my terms, at least for a while.

As for Dad. This will be his first Christmas in prison. I suppose I should send him a card or something?

No you need not sent him anything unless you really want to. Don't feel guikt tripped into it.
you owe this man nothing.

Hi 2 -teachers. I'm fairly new here, so didn't know your story, but have just caught up on it.

I firstly want to say, that along with all the other Mumsnetters, I am in awe of the courage and bravery you have shown. You are an unbelievably courageous woman.

The second thing I want to say, is that NO, you don't ever have to send your father a card, or a letter or flowers to his grave. He wasn't a father to you - he was a creepy, cruel, twisted demon. DO NOT EVER FEEL GUILTY.

But your mother - I don't know, it's your decision. It is easy to manipulate and lie to the kind. It is easy to twist the minds of the gentle, to tell them they have it wrong, and don't understand what's really going on. Any abused women (or man) will tell you how it works. You need to decide if your Mum really loved your Dad and couldn't believe he was capable of such abuse, or if she was a twisted soul herself. But whatever your decision, put yourself first, please.

Anyway, I wish you happiness. I am glad that you have found a DH and a family that love and respect you.

When the collective wisdom of Mumsnet and all the advice from your family agree then it probably best to accept it.

So I didn't send a card or anything to my Dad in prison and I didn't receive anything from him either. I don't even know if prisoners are allowed to send cards but I am not much bothered either way.

I have not even invited my Mother over for any part of Christmas. It would have been easier but wrong to have done so. She needs to realise that I meant what I said about no contact until January. DH and I did send a card and a small gift partly to make us feel better.

It has been a dreadful year so I hope that 2011 will be better.

I have just read all this thread and I am horrified, outraged and finally proud of you for getting through it. Wishing you the very very best for 2011

In 4 years of marriage I have never been able to let my husband undress me. Quite literally never. I don't have a problem with undressing myself in front of him but thanks to my disgusting toxic Dad not the reverse. I was told that this problem might never go away.

Suddenly, and I don't know why, this morning I needed to have another go. This after many failures over the years.

AND I MANAGED IT.

DH undressed me with me having no control over the process. It was one of hardest things I have done BUT I MANAGED IT.

I am feeling so proud of myself!!

Oh love, that is such a huge step, well done.

I've followed this thread since the start, you are so brave and inspiring. I hope this step is the start of a much happier 2011 for you.

I have nothing to add of use but I remember reading this thread way back when it started and just now caught up with the update, I think you are one amazing woman and I wish you all the best for 2011!

Your DH sounds fabulous as well, and a good thing too, as you do so deserve to have someone nice to share your life with.

It was right not to send a card, I think. Quite likely he'd have perceived it as gloating anyway. If he looked at things like normal people he'd never have done what he did in the first place.