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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

281 replies

twoteachers · 31/08/2009 10:45

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

OP posts:
TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 22/11/2009 11:52

I would ask anybody TT, all the advice and backing you can get can only be a good thing.

It must have been lonely for you..

Janos · 22/11/2009 16:53

Good plan to contact your union. I'm in a union (PCS) and I know they do offer legal advice so likely/possible yours will too. It's worth looking into.

Good luck to you!

sixfoldwaitingtime · 22/11/2009 22:36

Also see if you have any free legal advice either through your home insurance (more likely) or credit cards.

And, in the meantime, keep a diary of any contact/events or anything, just in case (and I most sincerely hope you don't ever have to) you need it as evidence.

Original poster
twoteachers · 12/12/2009 14:39

Here is a short update on recent events. My teachers' union have been very helpful and the legal office spoke to somebody senior at the local police station.

Within 24 hours the police had been round to Mum and Dad to "offer words of advice". Dad was so angry that he started shouting at the policemen and blurted out that "anyway she had deserved to be caned like an animal". The police are now taking advice on what to do next.

My MIL and FIL have been very supportive. I decided to tell them the whole story rather than be avasive or lie outright.

OP posts:
Rossco · 12/12/2009 15:03

TT your father has now shown himself for what he is to the Police. I hope the Police are able to find a way to punish him for what he did to you. With luck what he said can be found as an admission of guilt.

Thank goodness you have the support of DH and the PIL.

Thanks for the update, although I haven't posted before I had lurked and was wondering how you were doing.

citybranch · 12/12/2009 15:05

I've just read this thread. I'm glad the police are taking you more seriously now. I hope your parents will be humiliated enough to move away from you and leave you in peace.

Maz34 · 12/12/2009 15:13

Twoteachers- you are amazingly strong to have gone through all of this and I do hope the police will now finally do something! Your DH and ILs sounds like they will be a great help. Cut your parents out of your life forever - they are Toxic beyond belief and will never change, You do not need them. Stay strong and take care!

KissingUnderTheMittsletoe · 12/12/2009 15:26

Thinking of you TT, and glad you are getting support from IL's and the police.

sixfoldwaitingtime · 12/12/2009 15:27

Funnily enough, I was just wondering how you were and went and looked for the thread and you'd just updated.

I'm glad the union has helped you and the police are now taking you seriously.

Have you thought - or the police suggested - what might happen next? Do you just want them to stay away from you for now, or would, if that option came up, you want to take it further? It's perhaps something you might want to think through with your DH or your counsellor before you have to make any decisions.

Janos · 12/12/2009 19:57

Just spotted this update twoteachers.

So pleased your DH and ILs are being supportive, that will be invaluable for you. And I'm also pleased (if that's the right word, hope YKWIM) that your Dad has shown his true colours.

It's always good to see that abusers are never as clever or as untouchable as they so often seem to think.

MissEmilyDavis · 12/12/2009 20:31

Jesus, your parents are unbelievable wankers.

My mother is a nasty piece of work. I cut her out of my life last Christmas. It's only now I'm really starting to grieve and I'm going to go into counselling (again!) but I know the future will be better without her.

I really feel for you and I'm glad you're getting the support you need. Keep posting.

kinnies · 13/12/2009 00:48

So pleased you updated.

Well done for deciding to confide in others. I think it helps to reinforce how wrong both of your parents were in their treatment of you.
Nothing you could ever have done would have warented what they did. It was a sick game to them. One that you never stood a chance of winning.

Dear lord I hope they are both squirming right now.

mathanxiety · 13/12/2009 01:05

Sad thing is they are probably not squirming or sorry in the least, otherwise your dad would never have shot his mouth off like that at the police. Who shouts at the police, fhs? Good thing is, the police now know what they and you are dealing with. Do you still have that bound book your dad made? And you have the ILs backing you up. Glad you found the courage to level with them. Thanks for the update and all the best xxxx

blinks · 13/12/2009 01:35

just wanted to add my support to this thread two teachers.

similar story minus the violence... i decided i couldn't risk exposing my children to my parent's dysfunction and it's a hard hard road to take but you've done the right thing.

Original poster
twoteachers · 13/12/2009 11:38

Since Mum is now going to be classed as a participant rather than just an observer she is in serious bother. DH wonders if this is all a ploy to get her to testify against Dad as part of a plea bargain (or whatever it is called)?

It is a strange and horrid feeling to think that the next time I see them might be in Court!

I will post again after Christmas. Thank you for all the support.

OP posts:
YorkshireTeaDrinker · 13/12/2009 12:14

Just wanted to add my voice to the support for you here twoteachers. So glad that you have the support of your DH and PIL and that you have been able to be completly honest with them.

Awful as this whole process is, now your parents are being exposed as abusers and can no longer make you take the blame for their hideous behaviour.

You are being so strong and have totally done teh right thing. xx

mathanxiety · 13/12/2009 15:59

You must have felt awful when you heard that phrase your dad used to the police. This may well have opened your mum's eyes ever so slightly to the real nature of things, but possibly only to the extent that she will concentrate on saving her own skin, and still blame you for everything that happened in the past, plus the police and courts ruining her life in the present. I would not expect any real epiphany from her. Hoping you'll have strength and courage for the next phase.

Original poster
twoteachers · 29/12/2009 07:35

Nothing else new to report except the police have now confiscated all Dad's diaries.

It was strange to have no contact with either parent over Christmas. A box of presents was delivered by a "man in a van" on the 23rd but they have not been opened.

DH, MIL and FIL still being wonderful

OP posts:
Original poster
twoteachers · 30/12/2009 16:48

Sorry to bump this thread but I really do need a bit of hand holding at the moment!!

Anybody??

OP posts:
madmissy · 30/12/2009 16:52

been watchimg for updates.. you are doing great!! you are being brave and strong

sorry 1haND typing babe in arms

TDiddy · 30/12/2009 17:09

you are very brave and have a superb DH

cathcat · 30/12/2009 17:12

Twoteachers - well done on being strong and having your Christmas without them. Put that box to the charity shop! Although you or your DH will have to open it first as most likely there is a letter/card in there for you. Have the police been in touch about what might happen next?

cathcat · 30/12/2009 17:14

Also, did you know that your dad kept diaries? Were you able to tell the police about them or did they search their house?

Original poster
twoteachers · 30/12/2009 17:59

The police guessed there would be diaries. Most abusers keep them so they can relive the "events".

They were not hard to find. All the police can say is that they will be studied. I feel sick at thinking what he might have written about me.

OP posts:
cathcat · 31/12/2009 13:37

I'm so sorry, that is not a pleasant thing to think about at all. Remember, he is not normal and he can't hurt you now.
Wishing you a peaceful start to the new year.

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