Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

[twoteachers]

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

you are doing really well.

be proud of yourself.

Take a deep breath and hopefully now you have some breathing space it will be easier on you.

It's amazing though how they all seem to follow the same pattern - to the point people on here can predict what they will say.

Have a lovely xmas with you, your dh and your dc. Think how nice and relaxing it will be without your parents involvement at all.

printed and spiral bound is gobsmaking.

He is truly insane (as if you needed any further proof).

Hi twoteachers,

re your comments:-

"I'm feeling quite brave because DH and I read the package from my Dad together and I was also able to tell DH all the nastiest bits from my childhood that I had never told him before. To my total lack of surprise the package contained a whole list of my faults, my misdeeds, my lies and distortions and how my troubled teens years had ruined the family. Pretty much as Mumsnet readers had predicted in fact".

Exactly, I knew he would do this (have toxic ILS and crap parents myself). Its contains all the typical toxic parent type responses.
You are the scapegoat for all their dysfunctional ills.

You do not need them any more, they will destroy you if you let them. Be free to live your own life without them in it.

"What was seriously strange was the fact that the whole document was laser printed, spiral bound and read like the history of a totally different family to the one I remember. It seems I was only punished as a last resort and in strict moderation: or so Dad would have me believe. I now hate him more than ever".

None of that surprises me either, a total distortion of family history done up in a bound volume is a typical reaction too of such toxic parents. Must have cost a fair bit as well, what a waste of money. Presumably your Mother as well gave full backing to this document being sent - she did not veto this being sent. I hope you have now burnt it on the bonfire (that's what you need to do with it). Do not let it poison you further.

You have sent a letter stating no further rcontact till January 2010 - I would have said that they are to make no further contact, thus giving you a permanent breathing space. Hard as it is your only real option long term is to cut these two twisted and dysfunctional people off.

Also want to say well done and we know this is hard but you are doing so well.
Are you still talking this through with a professional?
I take it you are an only child and there are no siblings to compare notes with?
All best wishes and 'enjoy', if that is the appropriate word, your break from them.

Also agree the spiralbound bit had me .

I might be totally wrong, but I would have thought you could get a restraining order,tbh.

What have you done with the "document".

I would be torn between keeping it as evidence of yet further abuse/bullying, returning it or burning it.

Are you intending to have contact with your mum?

It sounds as if a break from both-for at least 6months wouldn´t be unreasonable!

I would be keeping this and showing it to the cops myself - I think their behaviour is going to get worse as she stands up to them.

He has actually admitted punishing you-physically?

Jeez, he really is a self righteous bästard who thinks he is completely right/justified

Please use this document to get a restraining order against this complete pair of nutjobs, any reasonable, sane person will soon see that this is the work of someone quite twisted and dangerous.

Take care of yourself TT, you don't have to put up with this crap you know. Some people are just awful parents, it's not the fault of their offspring. Grieve for the parents you wanted to have but not for this repulsive pair.

The problem I am just going to have to live with is that it always going to be my word against my Mum and Dads word. Unless he wrote something down in his diaries there is never going to be any real proof of the what and when and why. I don't even remember the exact dates except for the last one (the Tuesday after the October half term of year 12). What I can do is to prevent further contact between us except on my terms.

I will post again next weekend hopefully with some better news.

But you have a document where he has listed your faults and said that you "ruined the family".

You know that that is not normal?

Coupled to that they are intending tomove nearby?

I think you have a good case for keeping them away, tbh.

I also think he has cooked his goose with the spiral bound catalogue of your faults. That in itself shows he is unhinged; your word against someone barmy enough to go to all that trouble would indeed be very convincing. I agree with diddl here -- what he has done is so ott it has had the exact opposite effect from what he intended. People like your father do not see themselves as others see them.

There is not much to report that is news. We had a change of address notification from Mum and Dad and they are now living in a rented? house about 400 yards from where we live. This is not good although not unexpected.

The old lady opposite, who we sometimes take shopping, has told DH that a middle-aged couple have walked up our drive and peered into the house while we were both at work. This seems a bit creepy.

I don't know what to do other than nothing.

Have been following your thread but not posting, as I didn't have a lot to add to all the good advice you've been getting.

But I didn't want this to go unanswered and get lost on a Friday night, as it seems quite serious.

I think you do need to do something otherwise their - quite literal - lack of respect for your personal space will only escalate. Go and talk to the police - get something on record now. Say that you have asked your parents not to make contact. Then if anything else happens, you have it on record now. Plus, with a bit of luck, the police could go and have a quiet word.

I'm very glad you have a counsellor, because this sounds like an awful lot to deal with, even with all the support you have here.

I would be also having a word with the Police; what they are doing amounts to harrassment.

We really are going to the police today. We need to find out exactly where we stand and what options we have. I will take the bound book of my "faults" that my Dad wrote for the police to look at. I hope at the very least they will speak to Mum and Dad about my worries!

Well the visit to the police was a big disappointment.

There is nothing the police can do about Mum and Dad moving so close to us. Basically they can live where they want.

The document Dad wrote me was "very strange" but it is not against the law to express opinions of this type.

As things stand there is nothing the police can do - they will not even make a visit to offer Mum and Dad "words of advice".

OMG I'm so sorry about these latest developments (1) your parents change of address and (2) the lack of support from the police.
All I can suggest is no contact with your parents and they might get fed up and go back to their own house.
Big hug because you don't deserve this.

I don't know about the Uk, but here in Oz you would be able to apply to the court for an order that demands they stay more than 100m away from you, and if they break the order they can then be arrested.

You clearly feel threatened and they have been snooping around your home, that would be enough here to get the order?

Two teachers, I am so sorry for your story. My father never physically abused me, but I carry with me a letter that he wrote when I was going through puberty, about my failings, and how I was destined to lead a sad, lonely and bitter life.

I am in counselling, I am 40.

I carry the letter with me for two reasons, 1, because when I am low it confirms how unworthy I am, and 2, becuase when I have rare days when I feel confident in myself, it reminds me that my memories of the things that happened are not all in my imagination and I am therefore not 'mad'. If I were to ever have confronted him, he would express that he was disappointed in me for believing he was capable of what I was insinuating.

Funily enough it is now that I have children that the horror of some of the things he said to me through my childhood really have made their impact.

I don't know what you can do, but wish that you could find a solution so that you will be freer in the future, and so that if you decide to have DC's, you do not live in fear of what he is capable of.

Wishing you all the very very best..xx

twoteachers I've just happened on this thread and am horrified by what you have been put through by your parents.

Sorry if this sounds a bit strong but they actually sound quite evil.

I'm sorry the police were so unhelpful. I haven't read all posts in detail, but have you thought about approaching a solicitor, getting some legal advice? I know it can be very expensive but it's an option and it may be worth it if it can give you peace of mind.

I am so sorry for what you are going through TT. I just echo what everyone else has said - They are menacing, as if what they did to you as a child and adolescent wasn't enough abuse.

May I ask if you have siblings at all? Any other family that knew what went on?

"The document Dad wrote me was "very strange" but it is not against the law to express opinions of this type."

It is against the law to send it to your home though, because that's harassment. Insist that the police take note of this on that basis as it forms a case for the future (in which it does unfortunately seem as though their behaviour will continue).
In a way, even if they do contact you between now and January, having formally been requested not to, that only strengthens your case against them.

I don't have any siblings which I suppose is a good thing (nobody else for Dad to abuse) and a bad thing (no witnesses who could testify against him).

I think I will go back to the police to confirm that have kept a record of my complaint so that if anything happens in the future I can say "I told you so".

I wonder if my teachers' union might have a free legal advice service?