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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toxic Dad – sorry a bit complex

281 replies

twoteachers · 31/08/2009 10:45

DH and I have been married for three years now. We are both teachers and as we live roughly half way between our two sets of parents we see them about the same number of times per year. Suddenly my parents have announced that they are planning to move to the town where we live but without giving us any obvious reason why. It very much seems to be Dad?s idea and I don?t think Mum is that keen.

I had a very difficult relationship with Dad when I was living a home. Sometimes he was violent, sometimes there was some ?accidental? but inappropriate touching and really we just didn?t get on from when I was 14 to 22. I don?t want him back in my life more than he is a present. I still feel a bit uneasy being on my own with him and he makes my flesh crawl if he even touches me socially.

Neither DH or I know what to do.

OP posts:
PurpleEglu · 31/12/2009 17:41

Wishing you a better time in the new year. You and your DH are in my thoughts

Earthstar · 31/12/2009 18:01

HAve just seen this thread and am very shocked by your parents' behaviour.

Moving 400 yards away is quite intimidating behaviour imo.

You sound as though you are coping so well with what must be such a difficult situation and thank goodness you got your union involved and they put a rocket up the police. Did the police tell you what your dad said about you after they spoke to him?

kinnies · 31/12/2009 18:19

Hope the new year brings a much needed new start for you.
It must be so hard but please do remember that your mum and dad are the ones who should feel shamed not you.
You have come such a long way and though its not over yet, you have people rooting for you both here and in RL.

Ozziegirly · 22/01/2010 03:36

twoteachers, how are things going now?

danmae · 23/01/2010 03:03

i just read your thread. you are so strong and been through so much. i an glad you have so much support from DH.

hope 2010 will be your best year yet. hope you are well

Original poster
twoteachers · 23/01/2010 08:53

I have been told that the case has been sent to the Crown Prosecution Service to decide if my Dad should be charged and with what. I am not clear how much the police are allowed to tell me but I do know Dad went to the police station and was later released on police bail. I am just assuming the diaries contained some evidence the CPS can use?

I feel sick at the thought of other people reading the things Dad might have written about me. I really do wish this could all be over!

OP posts:
TwilightTurtle · 23/01/2010 09:32

twoteachers I haven't posted before but wanted to add my voice of support for you. This all sounds unbelievably painful and difficult for you, so well done for being so strong. It must be horrid to think of what he's written in there, but remember you are your own woman now, he can't hurt you any more, you have your lovely DH and you can lock your front door and curl up on your sofa and be completely safe.

Sending you lots of strength and hugs

Original poster
twoteachers · 17/02/2010 15:33

It it school half term and there is a bit of good news to share. The Crown Prosecution Service are going to take action against my Dad. The diaries he kept give "adequate, indeed almost full, confirmation of your allegations".

Where and when any trial will happen is not known yet. Meanwhile he is not allowed to contact me or come with 500 metres of our house.

OP posts:
Sherida · 17/02/2010 16:59

I haven't posted before, but wanted to tell you I have read the whole thread, and I can't believe your courage. Your dad sounds totally unhinged, and your mum...wow. I will be thinking of you, and hope that you get the justice you deserve, and the peace you need.

orangina · 17/02/2010 17:17

I'm totally with Sherida. Have just read the whole thread and can't beleive what you have had to deal with and how strong and calm you sound throughout it all.
Thinking of you and do hope that justice is done.

coppertop · 17/02/2010 17:32

Twoteachers - I hadn't seen this thread before but have now read it through.

You've come so far since the beginning of all this. Wishing you the very best of luck with things. xx

Conundrumish · 17/02/2010 19:35

I've read it too . Good luck with everything; it sounds horrific.

Eglu · 17/02/2010 23:19

Twoteachers, I am glad that the CPS are going to follow through with the case.

I am amazed at your strength, and wish you well.

Rhinestone · 17/02/2010 23:54

I've been following this thread but not posted before. I'm in awe of how strong you are; well done for seeing this through.

Not sure if you have children yet or not but you must be / will be a fantastic mother.

MarineIguana · 18/02/2010 00:17

Twoteachers, the former Madame du Bain here, namechanging again! Just wanted to say that my earlier posts where I was suggesting you could reduce contact etc. or just see your mum were obviously not right, and those who disagreed with me were. I initially thought your mum might see sense. But it has become clear how awfully dangerous and nasty your parents are and like others I want to say well done for keeping going with all this. I'm so glad you have your supportive DH and in-laws. You are doing the right thing.

McBitchy · 18/02/2010 00:22

twoteachers - please do CAT me
i have been to court with very similar to your allegations
i hope i can offer you advice x

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 22/02/2010 19:21

So glad the CPS are going to take this to court. Well done on getting this far. You are being incredibly strong.

Original poster
twoteachers · 02/04/2010 10:54

It is the first day of the school holidays but the nightmare goes on. They still have not decided exactly what Dad can be charged with. Basically touching inside my clothes during a caning could be a number of different crimes (CPS view I think).

I have a couple of flashbacks to that afternoon which is not a good sign.

BUT - when I told Head Teacher about the situation she was wonderfully supportive. In fact DH, his parents, my friends have all been great (even without knowing the whole sordid mess). I am still dreading talking about it to a man which is bound to happen eventually.

OP posts:
mitfordsisters · 02/04/2010 13:38

You are doing so well twoteachers. It is a scary prospect having to testify, but you have been so strong and dignified through all this, and you are surrounded by people who support you - you can do this. It is only right that you should get justice.

BritFish · 02/04/2010 14:20

i have just sat and read through this whole thread. im so sad and angry for you, and yet so pleased that you are finally going to get justice.
and im so happy that you have such a strong support network. stay strong, you are safe.

YorkshireTeaDrinker · 11/04/2010 19:18

Really glad that you are getting support from work and that your DH and in laws are being great. You have been so strong. Confronting your Dad and facing up to the horrendous things he did is really hard and you are doing great. It will get tougher, as you are obliged to look again at experiences you have had safely locked away for years, but doing this means that you Dad is closer to being held to account for his crime.

You are being really brave. I hope you continue to get the strength and support you need to see this through to prosecuation.

ChippingIn · 12/04/2010 06:22

twoteachers - I have just read your whole thread. I am so sorry that you had to live a childhood like that and are now having to go through this - they are a disgrace.

There's not a single thing I - or anyone - can say to make this right for you, but please know that I am another one here who is thinking of you and I hope you get the best possible outcome from this. I hope, that at the very least, you 'parents' are forced to move away from the area.

Stay strong
x

warthog · 12/04/2010 09:33

i have just read your thread. you have been let down BADLY by your parents. very badly. i'm glad that the police have taken this seriously and your mum is being forced to confront it too.

i strongly agree that you have to cut contact and i'm really glad that you've got the support of your dh and his family. your children are so lucky to have you. they will never have to endure what you went through.

a very un-mumsnetty {{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}

good luck with the proceedings. i hope that you can find some peace.

Original poster
twoteachers · 13/04/2010 14:28

I have had some horrid news about the court case. I was hoping that Dad would plead guilty to a lesser offence and that I would not have to give evidence in court. But he has refused to plead guilty to anything where he might get sent to prison. That means I will have to give evidence and be cross-examined. I felt sick when I read the letter and I still feel sick now. DH is away today so I have nobody to cry with except you lovely people on Mumsnet!

Consider your shoulders well and truly cried on

OP posts:
maduggar · 13/04/2010 14:36

Oh no How cruel of your father, to keep your agony going like this.

I have no advice at all, I just didnt want to read & not post. I hope your DH is back soon to give you the hug you so obvioulsy need x

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