I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

don't think Dittany, just be

• but can't stop laughing! Foot job in action? Bitten fingernails? Warty hands - eeeeewwwwwww Good lord woman, stick your head in a bowl of cold water to get a reality check and and go flick your own bean to get satisfiaction. Yuk yuk yuk.

Oh come on. No matter how bloody unhappy in your relationship you are an affair is never OK.

How ever hard it is to end a relationship, it must be just as hard keeping up the lies of an affair.

This guys sexual preferences do sound odd. It's as if he too knows it's wrong and isn't giving himself entirely to you. I think he is flattered by your attention, as you naturally would be from his.

What do you really get from him? Whatever excitement of the "thrill of the chase" you feel now, will always ultimately fade. And this is his third wife he is cheating on?! I am sorry, but think he too should be questioning what he really wants.

You know you are worth more than a grope in a car park!

I really do think you should try and look deeper than the sex with DH. There is often other issues, when did you last really talk, have some time together just the two of you - I know it isn't always easy to make time, but I think you owe it to yourself, him and your children. Get back to enjoying each others company then the sex may follow.
If it doesn't, atleast you can say you tried everything to make it work, but at the moment you are only hurting yourself and the people truly close to you in the long run.

what the freak is a foot job??

He has a bit of a thing about stockings, and it was a rather revolting picture of feet in stockings covered in slimey white stuff -personally I don't think it would be an easy thing to do!

is that slimy white stuff spunk ?

noooo lol

wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy...

btw, I think I am cured

< warms up the lube >

i cant believe your buying this bullshit

it doesn't matter if we are or we aren't buying it custardo, it is keeping me entertained anyway while the thrush meds do their job

I don't think the OP is a troll, I think she is someone who is in a largely sexless marriage to someone who is a good man and therefore is deemed to be LUCKY and should put up and shut up.
I think Confused could do with a bit of attention in her life - this warty, fat, sweaty chancer has twigged that he can have some fun, and Confused has mistaken it for love. She knows that if they go and live on an island and breed seals (sorry for the image there) the allure would soon fade, and damn quickly too.

Confused - this is what fantasies and daydreams are for. If you can't get attention in your life, do it in your head, unless you really want to end it. You don't, you know you don't. Not really.

I've been working on my spreadsheet (it is quite therapeutic) and I know a few people have had a laugh about this but when you see how the minuses to carrying on with X mount up and the cost/reward situation it is making me think quite a lot. Also each day he is away on holiday I feel less and less besotted. I do think that the fact that the last time I was legitimately dating was some time before texts and emails were around is a buit relevatnt to my state of mind. In "my day" we had only landlines and letters - DH used to write to me most days. X has bombarded me with texts saying he loves me, emails, poems, all saying I'm the most important thing that has ever happened etc. etc. this system of comunication is literally mind bending - how can you not warm to someone who behaves like this? Still the case I will be having a big talk with X next week - if he bothers to make contact, I'm rather hoping he has had a great holiday with Mrs X and wants to forget about me. The more I think about some of the things he does it makes me feel he doesn't understand true affection - he is letting his DD attend the sinkiest sink comp in the area this autumn ( all our neighbours moved heaven and earth not to let this happen to their children). Despite the fact he earns a very good salary he seems to be up to his limits here there and every where too. Will be pleased to go back to my real name at the end of all this - keep forgetting if I'm cau or uac !

Not quite sure why, after a few days of using MN for support in what is a very difficult time for me ( and being brutally honest about my feelings still being accused of trolling (?) for the last time this is genuine, and will reach its conclusion before next Friday (when I'm off on my hols too)

Oh S**t - just got an email from chair of our committee asking me to be sure to collaborate with X on his return next week to preset joint report to AGM on Wednesday pm. Think I'll just prepare the report myself and divide it in half for presentation.

well said sparkybabe...it is the thrill of the chase and all that "excitement" will inevitably fade. I think you need to feel "good" about yourself again..and ask your self what would you tell a friend if they were in this situation?

I think it is a case of (temporary?) insanity due to ginormous and frustrated horniness.

Vcau-try not to disconnect your brain so completely; and it might be a good "heads up" to figure out some self-help in this department for future scenarios.

I will print the thread out to have something to hand to dd (or ds for that matter) if she ever brings a horror home.

Veryconfusedandupset,
I didn't intend to offend you with the (temporary?)...but how long will it go on before it isn't temporary? I think that's a fair question.

Take care, be careful and as was said before-please get checked for STD.

Oh and well done AF! You got further than I ever did up that particular mountain!

Well, he is back from his holiday now. Apologising for being a bit off recently but he has had a lot on his plate, business premises vandalised in absence etc. but generally quite chirpy and up beat. I've been reading on another thread about how women cope is relationships where there is not enough sex and think that even considering the spreadsheet results ( basically that he is a disaster) that I will carry on seing him - he is a great friend - and see what happens, without expecting too much back. The spreadsheet did teach me that there is no future without ties - which is a scenario that attracted me - I just wanted to go off with him and leave life behind. I think I was looking for escapism as much as a real relationship.In reality any future together would include his father, my mother, fractious children - including his daughter who I suspect is not an easy child- and the hassle of exes. - which is not exactly what I want for myself in the future. In contrast, once we are empty nesters ( 4 more years) DH and I may well have quite a prosperous retirement, happy independant children, and only our own very nice mothers to worry about ( and they are already quite old ) Entirely by co incidence - and not something I will do anything about I have been approached by someone else this week ( a Barrister I used to know) who made it very clear he was interested in me - this has been an enormous morale boost and made me realise I must be at least a little bit attractive still. X is not quite so horid as he has been defined by some of you - I think he is stuck in a time warp from about 12 years ago when all his social activity and fun came to an abrupt end and his finances were curtailled on marriage, he spends too much time on the net and not enough time meeting other people. I am going to encourage him to get out more - perhaps with me, perhaps jsut to pursue his military r enactments or go to a gym or just anything really.