I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

purplepeony - you are very insightful - and quite right! I will be doing this - however I was thinking of the negative things a bit because if we were together there would be lots of them, and I think part of my trouble is being escapist ( our original flirty emails were about running away to live on an island and look after seals) - though probably not a good idea to involve any more animals on this thread (feeling positive and have a sense of humour today)

why would you look after seal? they are fairly self sufficient.

dump the dog man and talk to your dh

This man sounds like a great way to perpetuate your chronically low self-esteem. You need to learn to like yourself. (Believe me, I speak from experience)
Any woman with a decent opinion of herself would have laughed in this weirdo's face.
Stop thinking about his "good" points - no one is 100% rotten, even the most hideous men can be lovely sometimes, they need to be to keep us hooked.
Let's face it, his cons far outweigh his pros.

Do you have to have contact with him?

The first step of ending an affair is to stop having contact. Just tell him, it's over and no contact. Change your phone number, block his email address.

Yes you do both have your own responsibilities regarding your own families, him moreso for his wife ... and you for your husband. You married him. He doesn't deserve this. If you wanted someone else, you should have split with your husband first.

purplepeony, you said woman)sometimes have another (selfish/biased) agenda.

Surely in this situation, it is going to be biased responses as no-one should ever condone an affair. The OP knew of the responses she was going to get when she posted this thread. She would have to be very naive to think she was going to have a lot of woman saying "Oh you poor thing. We understand exactly why you have decided to engage in an extra marital affair. I believe both you and your OM will end up running off to paradise together"

What is there to discuss? Why wait? End it now to limit the hurt and destruction you are both going to cause.

Yes, we have to have contact - we have both been nominated to rejoin the board we sit on, and that is quite important to both our careers - I want to use my voluntary and charity work to enhance my CV this year. There are two conference we both need to attend later this year. We are also both involved in some sub committees negotiating with public bodies. Outside the relationship I feel our work co operation has helped us both - we suggest suppliers, advertisers etc to each other, and I have liked him for a long time before all this happened ( and looked at him smoking outside meetings, eting and drinking rubbish and worried about his health too) Today I've felt a little bit more detached from the romantic situation, but still a warmth for him - which is a bit different. I do think sometimes overpowering atraction which seems illogical may be chemical - he does have a wonderful scent (not that he is smelly, don't mean that)which I can detect accross a conference table.I have a holiday booked too and there will only be a few days for us to talk after he comes back and before I go away, so whatever we decide there is the chance to let absence bring about change.

Going back to your OP, you were looking for advice. What is it you actually wanted advice on?

No way should you settle for being this OM's bit of stuff.

Because if you want to stay with him and carry on this affair, nothing anyone can say matters really and the thread is pointless.

It is difficult to end an affair when you will still have to have contact with the person for whatever reason ... especially when you don't really want to end it.

purplepeony, I am glad vcau has someone on this thread to find the hidden meaning in her posts

certainly, she needs some non-judgemental support, unfortunately it would be morally wrong to give her what she wants, which appears to be "you carry on, love, he sounds a catch and don't worry at all about the innocent parties involved here"...

"oh, and no love, you are not being used in any way and sending pics of shagging dogs and him wanting to pop his anal cherry on you is a sign of a loving, committed future for your relationship..."

anyfucker and dittany- I am not for a moment condoning the OP behaviour, but if all you can do is scream morality at her and give predictable black and white responses, then why bother posting? Maybe it makes you feel good, but it sure as hell doesn't help her with her dilemma.

OP- you are posting on the wrong place. You will never get any answers on MN other than "leave your DH first. Give up the OM".
wasting yout tiem and energy if you are looking for anything more subtle/understanding.

I'm really confused as to what a more "understanding" person would respond with.

I know that - i think that when I first posted deranged brain was telling me relationship OK because under influence of infatuation or whatever. Logical brain was saying "no way - and anyway there is something not quite normal about him too" and I was stuck there in the middle. You don't realise until you get involved in something like this that you can be middle aged, sensible in business and as a parent and yet you feel, and sadly act, just like a 14 year old again - and it hurts just as much. It is oh so easy to tell people how stupid they are when you are on the outside and incredibly easy to be stupid once it all starts. One always has all the answers to somebody elses problems. Actually all the taking the p**s out of X's idiosycracies by certain MNers has been quite useful to me.

I can see where you are saying veryconfused. I can appreciate it might be very difficult to end an affair once you are in so deep. (excuse the pun)

But no it's not right. Sort out that counselling and maybe it will help you address the issues in your life which will give you the push to end it and decide what is best for your marriage.

he sounds a bit weird. Do you have sex - without penetration - everything but? Not sure how you know he is an accoplished lover if you haven't had sex yet.

Also, he sounds like a serial shagger. Leave DH for him and suddenly you will find yourself 'her indoors' and exciting no longer!

lol at telling your DH.

Don't.

vcau, I said much earlier in this thread you were getting some "lightbulb moments" about this man

I am glad of that and you are showing strength of character by sticking with this thread even though you have had one hell of a bashing < holds hands up >

now my advice would be, use some of that to tell Benny Hill's creepy younger brother to fuck off out of it

I am trying to think of a comment about Dittany, that she will not take as patronising

But it was a nice one, Ditt

The trouble is, if you relax your guard around her and show a little bit of friendliness, she clams up, puts you right back in your box and then you feel silly

< realises she has done it again >

oh well

tsc, please refrain from comments about "frothing in your knickers"

< scratches >

Dittany- can someone explain the Benny Hill allusion to me? I though he had a milk cart and wanted cocoa?

Also, Dittany,what I meant by "screaming morality" is that you don't need a PhD in psychology to know that most affairs are damaging and most cause hurt and that the OP is well aware of this - having said that, marriages DO end, often because someone else comes along, but sometimes not. The person who is in an unhappy marriage is hurting all the time - okay, they have not bee betrayed, but they are living with a mistake they have made, or a big disappointment, and it takes bravery to get out of it when you know you will hurt your partner.

Stating the bleeding obvious to the OP- you are causing hurt to 2 people, blah, blah, is not very helpful, as she already knows that. It might seem like the obvious wake-up call to you, but it's really a cliche.

I think alot of the posts here are focusing on the sexual preferences of the OM and his less than perfect body image- would be interesting to know what the reaction would have been if he had been described as a super- fit hunk, who didn't like pics of dogs mating. Would that make the OP less of an object of your derision?

As for telling her husband- how old are you dear?

I think I may have got away with my friendly overture to Dittany when she sees that latest post from purple

"our original flirty emails were about running away to live on an island and look after seals"

Has MN just gone completely barking mad lately or what?