I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

so in other words, nothing changes for you?

you are happy again, yes?

everything in the garden is rosy, yes? Is that why you posted in the first place?

You have come full circle on this thread, and so have I. I have had it confirmed that, yes, frankly, you are a loon

< hums >

Actually this thread has been a voyage of discovery for me, it has taught me that I over react, don't understand the good things about myself, am too conformist and that I expect damnation if I don't stick to convention. I've had some sensible advice - purplepeony in particular, thank you. I've also been shocked that anyone on here who expresses any unconventional views is branded a troll and that other posters then go on to discuss them on other threads where they think their unkind criticisms and abuse will not be noticed, and where they play silly games adopting new identities and scamming so that people with real issues to discuss, like me, don't get taken seriously. X and I had a very long talk today, after our exhilarating joint presentation to our society( we make a great team in a work situation) He is not happy in his marriage but doesn't want to leave because of his DD and the fact he is heavily financially committed all round and could not afford to keep his family if he moved out. I understand that because deep down I don't want to leave my happy family either - just want someone to talk to who listens, and some sexual satisfaction. Despite his physical drawbacks I find him very attractive to me, I think it is chemical, just sniffing his name badge makes me feel melty. So we decided to meet for chats and cuddles, to celebrate each other's special occasions and chill out and get naked from time to time, and he tells me he does love me, lots. So I hope now we are back on an even keel it will be OK. and now I will go back to my old name and talk about vegan handbags on the style section, and give a bit of legal advice, and just try to be tolerant all round.

vcau, the choice is yours of course

I would just like to say I personally have not name-changed to play silly games nor branded you a troll

all the opinions I have expressed about your original post have been on this thread

just wanted to clear that up

am still a bit confused about the sex with him though, didn't you say it was not actually very satisfying for you ? (the sideways approach thing sticks in my mind....)

and please stop sniffing name badges, it can't be good for your health

Anyfucker - tongue magic fingers magic have discussed other aspects and he didn't realise how unfriendy I found it - just wanted to get in deep and watch my face, we are both entranced by the 11,000 year old sex statue discovered recently (face to face sitting) and reckon this would be nice for next time.

vcau, good luck with everything. I hope you find happiness

Perhaps it's just the way you write, but you really have a way of pulling out the absurd in the mundane- sorry if I have been scathing, but do keep posting I wish you all the best anyway.

How can I stop sex becoming a damaging issue.... - I've been reading the posts on this thread and comparing them with my situation. I have a choice, I either put up with the pain of a relationship that does not bring me full sexual satisfaction ( and the implication from some who have posted on my thread is that it is quite alright for a woman to suffer in this way, indeed she should live in misery rather than spend a little bit of her time and energy seeking relief and satisfaction) or I do something about it, and I think what I am doing is the least harmful option. I think that after 25 years of trying to persuade DH to change that is really a lost cause. Having said this there is no reason I should abandon my sense of humour and behave as if what I have with X is purely medicinal - now I understand him - and all his many flaws - I feel much happier. I am off on my holidays today, so won't be around for a while, but of course I'll let you now how things are going. Back to school? I left 34 years ago!

I have spent this morning reading this entire thread. I dont think you are a troll. You seem a lovely, if rather eccentric, woman (in the positive sense of the word) with a desire to be cherished, loved and adored for your womanlyness (is that a word?) I think you have spent some time on this thread exploring his (and your own) sexual preferences and what is and what is not acceptable to you. You say you are a bit older than the rest of us here, and I sort of envisage an era where woman (at least in some part of society) were almost expected to have a lover. So, I sort of imagine you quite elderly, I dont know why.

If this is your solution to happyness for yourself, then I wish you all the best and I hope that this special friendship will give you some satisfaction and pleasure. I also hope you manage to keep it very separate from your family life. I dont usually condone adultery, I am usually very outspoken against it.

53! Don't view this as elderly myself - though perhaps deluded in that respect - Not from an age where ladies had lovers as routine, but certainly a child of the permisive society.

Think you misunderstand - it is not DH who has these strange procilvities, it is X my profesional colleague and sort of lover.

Sorry, my mistake, it is just the way you posted this!

Why would anyone want a divorce when their marriage is 95% perfect?

If your marriage was 95% perfect, the 5% that wasn't perfect wouldn't be such a problem, would it?

I think I've been here before, the little physical bits are a constant niggle, when they are fixed life is fine.

That is it, just about to log off before off to very exotic and sunny climes with DH for over a fortnight - which I'm sure we will both enjoy enormously.

I have reported the abusive comments made about me on this thread and asked that mumsnet take action. This is not AIBU and the tenor of some of the things said - including the accusation that I am a masturbating schoolboy is something I will not tolerate. I did say that I did not expect to be popular, but this is one of several threads about serious personal mattters at the moment where the original posters are being accused of being trolls and abused ( including another thread I have been on advising in my professional capacity)
where they are clearly going through really terrible personal difficulties. Please feel free to disagree with me, but this type of abuse is not to be tolerated and spoils the fo;rum for everyone else. ( my flight doesn't actually go until tomorrow evening)

oh are you still here < wide-eyed innocent emoticon >

I thought you were going off to exotic sunny climes with your cuckold husband ??

Is loon an abusive term ?

If so, shoot me now