I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

[thetattooedmagpie]

Bye very - and good luck x

[veryconfusedandupset]

This is really a reply to you, Magpie. Thank you so much for your marvellous morale boost/kick up the backside. Tuesday was a dark day, but somehow I've felt fine the last two days now (though I know I will probably have other down days too)

I took your advice and went straight off and bought some new knickers - in fact it made me feel so much better I went and got some more nice underwear today, and a few other bits and pieces.

The idea of a six month re invention is sinking in and I've booked a gym session for next week and done my yoga and meditation 2 mornings in a row. I knwew all along that if I was meditating the inner voice would be sayi;ng "no" to me, so I stopped and stuck my fingers in my ears when all this was going on.

The meeting yesterday was not as bad as I thought, there were lots of us there so I just arrived, said my bit and left. I wore trousers and a striped cardi that I knew he wouldn't like if he saw me, we just had a little chat about his DD not being very well at the moment and I went and bought my new knickers afterwards as a reward for being calm. There is a really nice older man who is on the committee who is just a genuinely kind person and we had a little chat and he said how he always likes seeing me etc. and it just made me feel I can't be that bad.

Anyway, today I had to go to a regional meeting about something else, and didn't think there would be anyone much that I knew there, so I got very dressed up and thought I'd just be really sociable and apply myself to the subject it was about. Who should be there but X - in fact he nearly tripped me up as I walked down the gangway to find somewhere to sit and patted the chair next to him for me to join him. It was all OK ( felt a bit of a rat myself when he told me he had to have another operation on his feet and had I noticed he wore funny shoes!) He also mentioned his bitch was coming into season again - which I really did not want to know. I felt awkward but reasonably OK I tried very hard because I do value his friendship but find it so hard not to be angry and I still feel hurt that everyone thinks he is so nice.

But perhaps he is nice, he ended it with me because of his daughter I suppose, he did mess me about but then he has been out of the dating scene for many years. I can't really forgive him for the way he treated me.

I'm sort of feeling now that it is all too much bother to carry on feeling angry. In meditation you can let thoughts just go and I will probably do that in a while. I still have this feelling that if it did ever come out then he would blame me for it all, so I'm keeping the emails and poems for the time being, so that I can show it was him that chased me - and the yucky things he wanted to do.

Magpie - your situation was very different - your OM and you were in a genuinely romantic situation and I've thought about how I would have felt if one or two of my very old boyfriends had come back in the way that yours did - it would be decimating - and to be left at the very last minute was beyond belief. I hope sometime you find out why - perhaps if you waited for 5 years, or 10 years you could ask?

Readers wives - there are some horrid pictures of fat men (some wearing socks!) and slightly podgy ladies in too tight suspenders looking pretty tacky - you might look hot in this situation but I just found it a bit of a reminder that my "love affair" had the faint whiff of the ridiculous about it.

I have realised it all took away quite a lot from my life for quite a long time ( even when it was just emails it sort of ruled my life) I feel a bit more energetic this week and I'm looking forward to things I'm going to be doing.

I think I'll starta new thread and report back at the end of April next year - that will give me something to think about and an incentive. So to all the nice people - purplepeony, ditany etc etc. and especially you Magpie - goodbye for now. Will be changing name back in a minute and back on style and beauty!

[veryconfusedandupset]

Magpie- what a lot to think about - some of it very inspirational - got up early today to do yoga and meditation to settle myself - don't laugh but before all this I was a fairly committed buddhist. I will let you know how I'm getting on later.

[thetattooedmagpie]

Hi back again.

I think what you are experiencing is quite normal. I think when you are involved in this type of situation its a bit hyper and when it comes to an end there is a sense of relief along with the shock and sadness.

In my case, DP and me had agreed to split and I was thinking how we were going to tell the DCs, our families and all that when OM dropped his bombshell - so there was an element of ' phew, thank god I don't have to go through that '. And then you get all bolshy and think they are just a lying twat and you are better off without them and then, over the next few weeks, the reality bites in and you realise that is that. Its properly over.

Like you, I was just consumed by sadness - because regardless of how much I faniced him, I just liked him and enjoyed his company. I miss him. In a way, I'm lucky as I don't have to see him - it must be very hard for you. But this does get better - time will ease the pain and just try to distance yourself as much as you can from him and his wife. Aim for dignity and detachment.

I also relate to what you said about letting his wife and others know what he's like. Its because you feel hurt and angry - you want to lash out and 'win'. Telling all is something that causes divided opinion on here, but I would say don't. Self preservation should be your watchword at the moment - you need to deal with what is on your plate and not add any more. Aim for dignity and detachment.

Anyway, shout the odds to 'win' and what do you get ? A disgruntled and resentful man / someone you only got because his wife didn't want him / someone who had proved himself to be a liar to you aswell as to her. I only got involved with OM as he was so sure that he didn't want to be with his wife anymore and wanted to be back with me - as soon as it became clear that this wasn't the case, that I wasn't first choice, then she was welcome to him as far as I was concerned.

I think your recovery plan is a great idea - I've lost a stone and a half since it all kicked off and am determined to keep it off. Eat the same as you did before - just get a smaller plate and eat less of it than you used to so you don't have to faff about cooking anything different or going on a diet. My skin is terrible and my hair is bad due to the stress - but overall I look good and this has helped rebuild my self esteem and confidence. I've also had a couple of new piercings and a new tattoo done - maybe don't go this far and just get a haircut !

Exercise is great for rebuilding yourself and your feeling of self worth - I know its really hard to get motivated though. I've always run a lot and after I had the DCs I was like one of those octogenarians ( sp ) that you see at the back of the London marathon. I could hardly walk let alone - but two years later, I was back to running further than I ever had before. You just need to make a start, make it a priority and build up slowly and keep building, never go backwards. Its tough, but 6 months down the line, you will be fit and healthy and will feel great about yourself. Running also gave me a break from life - a break from thinking about the situation - all you have to concentrate on is breathing and surviving.

When it all kicked off DP decided I needed a target to motivate me and entered me into an off road half marathon fell run ! He said I'd got a couple of months to prepare - I had 5 weeks. Serves me right - I used to go out for a 12 mile run and meet OM half way round and then sit in the car, eating chocolate, and then get dropped off around the corner. So I'd not run over 10 miles in the previous 6 months. So maybe get yourself signed up for an event in 6 months time - tell everyone and ask them to sponsor you for your favourite charity or, even better, find someone with a very personal, worthy cause and offer to run it for their favourite charity. Then you will feel awful if you let them down. There. That should motivate you.

And finally sex. Firstly, speak for yourself about middle aged people looking rubbish when they have sex. I'm ( early ) middle age and I look hot ! But this is mainly due to the weight loss / exercise boost - get working on this and your sex life is sure to improve. And I know its a cliche, but get yourself some new sexy pants - even if they are from Primark - they do make you feel good because how ever low your mood you can think, hey, but at least I've got cracking knickers on !

My counsellor is also a sex therapist and she tells you to shag all the time, as much as you can. This is one piece of advice DP has readily taken on board and it really has helped. Having said that, sex was never a problem, even pre-affair, it was the neglect and emotional withdrawal that caused the problem !

Right bathtime looms. But chin up. You'll get there. I know its hard, but you will.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Ah, thank you. - and by "outside activities" I meant being on committees and things, not the X stuff.

[thetattooedmagpie]

vcau - I do like your posts ( and your spreadsheets ). Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit down about things. I've got to do school run now, but will try and get back later to post.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Hmm, well I'm not feeling quite as recovered as I'd hoped - I will try to put some paragraphs in this and tell you all about it.
It was Sunday 27 Sptember when I got the "It's not you , it's me..." email. I'd been thinking of it as a three month thing because that was how long it was from when we met for coffee and acknowledged our feelings, but looking back through my emails at work I'd been emotionally dependent on him and clearly involved for about 15 months before that - although we never spoke about it when we met.

To begin with after I had got over the initial shock and upset I just felt so much better at home and less stressed out that I thought I would soon recover. Weekends were better because I wasn't wanting to be with X, I felt sad at work becasue X would always be sending me little emails & texts to cheer me up and I missed him lots but I did realise I was much better suited to DH and found all sorts of stuff to persuade me I should be pleased X had finished it because it was doomed.

I found it really horrible having to go to things that X goes to from work and as he can't drive out of his road without going past my house - there is no other way out - I see him and Mrs X most days, which makes me feel really sad.

I've done all sorts of things - like the spreadsheet and some slightly odd things like looking at a few Readers Wives you tube things that make you realise how stupid middle aged people look having sex anyway.

I still keep crying though and I wish I could just be sensible. I don't even really want him back, but I'd like to be his friend. I have a board meeting we will both be at tomorrow morning, which will be hard - I've cancelled going to a training session in the afternoon he will be at because I know it is not a good idea to think about having lunch with him. I've still got to face a long train journey to London with him and another board member on 12 November, for a conference.

I just know he will be all jokey and nice to everyone at the meetings/conference and everyone will think "what a great guy" and I 'd just love it if someone else could see what he is really like. If there was any way at all that I could ensure Mrs X found out without repercussin for me I'd do it ( and I know that is not a nice thing to say).

On a more positive note I've sort of come up with a plan up to help myself over the next six months, but I'm struggling to kick start it really. Our annual conference is at the end of April, and I'd like to be at that 3 stone thinner, drop dead georgeous and really over him. I also think if I was 3 stone thinner my marriage would be better because as DH has absoloutely perfect body that he really works on I do feel I let him down a bit.

I also think that I probably need to look for another job, as I'm only keeping satisfied on the work front through my "outside activities" and my charity work, which is in a similar sector. I'm also supposed to be working for an extra qualification.

The trouble is that I'm stil comfort eating, I've spent nearly £800 on the gym in the time since I last actually went there and I spend all my evenings reading, facebooking and being a slob - how can I kick start myself? I feel a bit disapointed in the counselling really - we had nothing more to talk about at the end of the second session but I don't really feel "cured" at all.

On the sex front I think I only get obsessed about the things DH isn't keen on if I don't get any at all, and so provided we can generate a bit of closeness from some sexual activity I'm not going to put that on my list of things to tackle for the time being - perhaps if I was thinner and more confident he might change his mind. He has been really nice to me lately ( thinks HRT is making me hormonal and up and down) and I really don't want to leave him.

So, I still feel like shit a lot of the time. I would have thought that reading about people worse off than me - and those who have lost their DHs to OW would have a salutary effect on me, but I seem to become more of a nasty piece of work as days go by.

I just know and keep reminding myself that even as I went into this I knew it would end in tears, and they would certainly be mine. Any ideas of how I can motivate myself and be strong an just get on with making myself a bit happier?

[Campingqueen]

Veryconfused, have read your thread with interest, amusement (AnyFucker) and ultimately compassion.

One thing tho' please sweetie, make sure you have password protected those spreadsheets, or you could find yourself in a completely different scenario than the present one!

[roxi09]

Glad to see things are starting to turn a corner for you, good luck with everything

[veryconfusedandupset]

Maybe my lack of paragraphs makes me hard to understand - I'll try harder!

Kimberalex - this relationship is over - has been for about a fortnight or so now and I'm having counselling and finding some things harder and some things easier to cope with than I expected - I posted again to update some of the others who had been supportive to me about my progress. I'm working on thigs with DH and trying to be level headed.

MacDoodle - part of my strategy for coping if to use rational means to convince myself that the relationship couldn't work, and that X (to be charitable to him ) had other reasons than just changing his mind about it all to want to bring it to a close. During the times we spent together I paid for virtually everything and eventually he confided that part of the reason he was edgy about being found out was that he would be homeless and skint. I then discovered that despite cultivating the air of being fairly sucessfull things were not really that good. The spreadsheet is to remind me that if anything were to happen again between us I'd be paying, and also that he may have upset me a lot but life is no bed of roses for him at home. It may sound cold but making spreadsheets of pros and cons does help counter the hormones and lust quite well!

[macdoodle]

You did a spreadsheet?? To see what money he had left at the end of the month??
My god you realyl dont come across well in this thread - a little too cold and calculatinf for my like - your poor poor poor H

[CybilLiberty]

Anyone else bemoaning the lack of paragraphs in this otherwise juicy thread?

[kimberalex]

I think you should stop this straight away!
Are you thinking about his wife and his daughter?

I think it is rather selfish of you all he sees you is some one he can get is end away with..and if he has cheated before god knows how many sti's he has!

I really dont know how you can sleep with him and not think about the fact he has a wife and you have a husband

Am sorry but because your other half hasnt been giving you any nookie is no reason to cheat on him may be he has confidence issues maybe he knows you are cheating on him

think about every one else and not just yourself your an offlaoder when he needs one wake up and smell th ecoffee and try patch things up with your husband or at least divorce him

[veryconfusedandupset]

Things still a bit difficult, but I'm recovering. Found almost straight away that it is better not to be pining for someone else every weekend, and that I'm happier without having to think about X then. The weeks are harder, and I was sad on Thursday when we were going to have a day out. However I knew that if we were still together I'd have been really miserable afterwards and as it was had a nice evening at home and felt very happy with DH this morning. To aid recovery did another spreadsheet showing that X has really not got a spare penny each month (pleased he told me about all his debts and big outgoings now). I have tried another approach with DH and try to be more enticing and subtle and less confrontational and so far it seems to be working, hopefully will be over all this soon.

[Knickers0nmahead]

I want to read this but I cant with there being paragraphs.

ny chance you could split up what you say to make it easier to read please?

[NearlySilver]

Hi Veryco
Well done for going to counselling. It must be good to learn something and grow because of your unhappiness instead of falling into repeating old patterns. I have been through a very similar experience to you being married 23 years (hence name) and having three teenagers when I fell for MM and had an affair last year. After the first mad rush of neurotransmitters sanity returned and we ended it but have become close friends which I suppose means I am still involved emotionally although I don't see him or talk to him just occasional emails. I started counselling three weeks ago and it is emerging that I am suppressing my own feelings where they are inconvenient, and am also angry and frustrated with DH who has been struggling with depression for three years. I am enjoying the counselling a lot, it is something completely new for me and I feel I will learn a lot. Good luck and be strong.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Well, I had my first counselling session last night. Felt like I covered a lot of ground in a short time. It also felt abit mo;re constructive than last time around when it seemed to comprise of parting with money to talk to yourself - I got the opportunity to talk but it was quite directed. The main themes that emerged were firstly not to feel even more down because X was an unattractive and rejection by him meant I was enven more worthless than would otherwise be the case. I think that he builds his sense of self worth on lots of flirting and female attention, but when it moves over into a real situation where there are demands on his time and emotions in return he is feeling less built up by it and isn't interested. I had got very desppondent because I haed picked out oth;er relationships inmy life where the very same had happened - lots of attention but when I returned genuine affection I got dumped probably not me, just the way some males are. We did in fact establish fairly quickly that I don't want to end my marriage and - clever girl dittany - that I was quite angry with DH and probably doing this subconsciously to make a point - so i have some work to do with DH this week to see how far apart we are on various issues and then I suppose I'll have to work through those and a few work related matters over the next 4 - 6 weeks. Actually I feel happier with DH already and he knows I'm feeling fragile about something and am not happy and is being supportive. So - if anyone wants a bit of general discussion on these points I'm uup for it, but I'm hoping my general situation will improve now - and I feel stronger about facing X in a work context. I've read so many other threads to see what other people feel about their relationships and came away feling sad that most people who post seem to have far worse problems than me - I really wouldn't want to be Mrs X because I'm sure he will be at it again before long.

[almostoverit]

I lost a very good friend too and, yes, it does hurt, especially when you can't talk to anyone else about how you feel. But it will get better, promise!

I hope your counsellor helps you find some peace of mind.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Thanks, almostoverit - I've managed to get a counselling appointment for this evening as I've just got to have someone to talk to fact to face about it. Sadly I feel my mind turning to revenge - which I know would be counterproductive - and I'm fighting a very strong urge to go round to see Mrs X with copies of his more disgusting emails, unfortunately I deleted the one of the shagging dogs. I had expected that having behaved as graciously as I can to his face yesterday, despite being blanked and offended he might be being at least friendly in a cool way in response. The awful thing is ( and this has happened to me before I was married) When a man is nice to you and supportive at work and is your friend for a very long time and then when you have a relationship that he runs out on and is then absoloutely horrid to you you feel wretched because you think all the niceness and friendship was only for sexual ends in the first place, and if you are not even good enough to be someones genuine friend that really hurts!

[almostoverit]

Another silly woman here who's head was turned by a tall dark handsome younger man who inevitably stayed with his wife when the chips were down. Nine months later we still work together. It was very difficult at first especially with him crying in the office about how he didn't want to be a statistic but it's getting easier. Hang in there and be thankful your husband didn't find out.

[roxi09]

Might make you feel a bit better but I think the flirting with someone else is him doing a smokescreen. My OM used to do it if we met up when we were out with friends so people didn't think we were together.

[veryconfusedandupset]

I think it is an old self esteem issue really - I was not expecting this to happen and when it did I suppose I thought that given X's many downsides at least he would adore me and not reject me. Most of the men I meet through work are older than me and not very attractive, and being insecure means I don't expect much, i just thought he would try to be nice and friendly with me yesterday but it really rubbed my nose in it a bit when the other female there was flirting with hi a bout being a "bad boy" and disapeared outside with him for a cigarette. Oh well.

[SussexVille]

Being a professional person with a legal background who sits on public-sector committees doesn't necessarily make you a great judge of character.
But doesn't that kind of busy, meet-everyone lifestyle mean that you come across all sorts of interesting/dynamic/sexy men?
And doesn't your DH know this?
So is this kind of affair just an occupational hazard?
And, again, isn't your DH aware of this?
Finally, does Mr X really fit in to the 'interesting/dynamic/sexy' category?

[veryconfusedandupset]

Perhaps, Dittany, perhaps - though I think part of it is that had we been detected it would have resulted in me being chucked out and then no difficult decisions to make. I have had quite a difficult day today. At meeting X was flirting with another delegate and ignoring me a lot, which hurt because we have always collaborated very well on a professional level, perhaps he just feels awkward at the moment. I kept looking at his bitten nails, horrid shoes and huge size and thinking to myself I should be repulsed, and not being so. Came home and cried and felt stupid. I'm going to book some counselling tomorrow. Don't know what I think at the moment just know I've got to get through the next few days and perhaps I'll be OK then.