I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

[veryconfusedandupset]

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

[juneybean]

I only got to page 4 and saw this:

"sorry my os are not cming out unless i press very hard. "

and pretty much pissed myself laughing.

[Monty100]

juney - pmsl

[SolidGoldBrass]

VCAU: sorry this has all gone so wrong.O think you've basically got two options here: a) leave your H (the fact that he is not interested in meeting your sexual needs or discussing it, means he has lost the right to sexual exclusivity with you) b) discussing with your H the possibility of you having other sexual partners.
Either way, forget about incontinent dogshagging loonboy. he wasn;t the solution to your problems, but 'working on your marriage' is not the solution either.If your H won't engage with you then it's doomed.

[BitOfFun]

So the wisdom of the spreadsheet prevailed? Do you feel we all might have been onto something? What's your next move?

[veryconfusedandupset]

Well yes, I got what I deserved, I have to agree with that. I did meet X last night for a sort out because as you know we are on a committe together and we have an important meeting about public sector finance today and I didn't want to be crying my way through that. What he had to say was quite interesting. He said he was "in lovwe" with me to begin with - though accepted my label of total infatuation as being more appropriate and although he could handle that initially he felt it was distracting him
at work and the longer it went on the more guilty he felt about it on the domestic front too, mainly becuase having married this wife late in life he is mortgaged up to the hilt and any break up would have very adverse effects on his dd. When I was away he felt the strain of it all was too much and he couldn't cope any more. he said he accepted he had taken a very cowardly way out and apologised for that, and for not being more truthful about his feelings. He is still a total shit though becuause he felt guilty about spending a day in a ho;tel with me - but not about inviting me round to his house when dd in bed and wife at work!( UI did not go along with that invitation, obviously) I suppose it had to happen. It was good being together but adversely affecting life at home, and for him at work ( I'm very focussed and forget everything else when I'm at work) He said he didn't mind not being happy,and maybe just having something stable at home was better. I did firmly make the point that it really wasn't fair to go overboard with a love bomb approach and then mess about and that he had really messed my head up buy not being straightforward - he did accept this and said he wouldn't do the same again. I don't think he has anything else going on at the moment, I think he is so overworked and unrealistic about his excesive work committments he is probably heading for some sort of breakdown (possibly even matrimonial) Some people have questioned my attitude to fidelity, I suppose that being older with less family responsibilities and being in the sort of marriage where we are very semi detached in most ways ( not a bad thing for us) does lead me to suppose that I can go my own way in many rspects. I still feel bruised and won't make any firm decisions about my future just yet.

[roxi09]

Good luck, if you want to talk to another silly, silly woman who thought the grass was greener for a while, I'm here

[veryconfusedandupset]

Perhaps, Dittany, perhaps - though I think part of it is that had we been detected it would have resulted in me being chucked out and then no difficult decisions to make. I have had quite a difficult day today. At meeting X was flirting with another delegate and ignoring me a lot, which hurt because we have always collaborated very well on a professional level, perhaps he just feels awkward at the moment. I kept looking at his bitten nails, horrid shoes and huge size and thinking to myself I should be repulsed, and not being so. Came home and cried and felt stupid. I'm going to book some counselling tomorrow. Don't know what I think at the moment just know I've got to get through the next few days and perhaps I'll be OK then.

[SussexVille]

Being a professional person with a legal background who sits on public-sector committees doesn't necessarily make you a great judge of character.
But doesn't that kind of busy, meet-everyone lifestyle mean that you come across all sorts of interesting/dynamic/sexy men?
And doesn't your DH know this?
So is this kind of affair just an occupational hazard?
And, again, isn't your DH aware of this?
Finally, does Mr X really fit in to the 'interesting/dynamic/sexy' category?

[veryconfusedandupset]

I think it is an old self esteem issue really - I was not expecting this to happen and when it did I suppose I thought that given X's many downsides at least he would adore me and not reject me. Most of the men I meet through work are older than me and not very attractive, and being insecure means I don't expect much, i just thought he would try to be nice and friendly with me yesterday but it really rubbed my nose in it a bit when the other female there was flirting with hi a bout being a "bad boy" and disapeared outside with him for a cigarette. Oh well.

[roxi09]

Might make you feel a bit better but I think the flirting with someone else is him doing a smokescreen. My OM used to do it if we met up when we were out with friends so people didn't think we were together.

[almostoverit]

Another silly woman here who's head was turned by a tall dark handsome younger man who inevitably stayed with his wife when the chips were down. Nine months later we still work together. It was very difficult at first especially with him crying in the office about how he didn't want to be a statistic but it's getting easier. Hang in there and be thankful your husband didn't find out.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Thanks, almostoverit - I've managed to get a counselling appointment for this evening as I've just got to have someone to talk to fact to face about it. Sadly I feel my mind turning to revenge - which I know would be counterproductive - and I'm fighting a very strong urge to go round to see Mrs X with copies of his more disgusting emails, unfortunately I deleted the one of the shagging dogs. I had expected that having behaved as graciously as I can to his face yesterday, despite being blanked and offended he might be being at least friendly in a cool way in response. The awful thing is ( and this has happened to me before I was married) When a man is nice to you and supportive at work and is your friend for a very long time and then when you have a relationship that he runs out on and is then absoloutely horrid to you you feel wretched because you think all the niceness and friendship was only for sexual ends in the first place, and if you are not even good enough to be someones genuine friend that really hurts!

[almostoverit]

I lost a very good friend too and, yes, it does hurt, especially when you can't talk to anyone else about how you feel. But it will get better, promise!

I hope your counsellor helps you find some peace of mind.

[veryconfusedandupset]

Well, I had my first counselling session last night. Felt like I covered a lot of ground in a short time. It also felt abit mo;re constructive than last time around when it seemed to comprise of parting with money to talk to yourself - I got the opportunity to talk but it was quite directed. The main themes that emerged were firstly not to feel even more down because X was an unattractive and rejection by him meant I was enven more worthless than would otherwise be the case. I think that he builds his sense of self worth on lots of flirting and female attention, but when it moves over into a real situation where there are demands on his time and emotions in return he is feeling less built up by it and isn't interested. I had got very desppondent because I haed picked out oth;er relationships inmy life where the very same had happened - lots of attention but when I returned genuine affection I got dumped probably not me, just the way some males are. We did in fact establish fairly quickly that I don't want to end my marriage and - clever girl dittany - that I was quite angry with DH and probably doing this subconsciously to make a point - so i have some work to do with DH this week to see how far apart we are on various issues and then I suppose I'll have to work through those and a few work related matters over the next 4 - 6 weeks. Actually I feel happier with DH already and he knows I'm feeling fragile about something and am not happy and is being supportive. So - if anyone wants a bit of general discussion on these points I'm uup for it, but I'm hoping my general situation will improve now - and I feel stronger about facing X in a work context. I've read so many other threads to see what other people feel about their relationships and came away feling sad that most people who post seem to have far worse problems than me - I really wouldn't want to be Mrs X because I'm sure he will be at it again before long.

[NearlySilver]

Hi Veryco
Well done for going to counselling. It must be good to learn something and grow because of your unhappiness instead of falling into repeating old patterns. I have been through a very similar experience to you being married 23 years (hence name) and having three teenagers when I fell for MM and had an affair last year. After the first mad rush of neurotransmitters sanity returned and we ended it but have become close friends which I suppose means I am still involved emotionally although I don't see him or talk to him just occasional emails. I started counselling three weeks ago and it is emerging that I am suppressing my own feelings where they are inconvenient, and am also angry and frustrated with DH who has been struggling with depression for three years. I am enjoying the counselling a lot, it is something completely new for me and I feel I will learn a lot. Good luck and be strong.

[Knickers0nmahead]

I want to read this but I cant with there being paragraphs.

ny chance you could split up what you say to make it easier to read please?

[veryconfusedandupset]

Things still a bit difficult, but I'm recovering. Found almost straight away that it is better not to be pining for someone else every weekend, and that I'm happier without having to think about X then. The weeks are harder, and I was sad on Thursday when we were going to have a day out. However I knew that if we were still together I'd have been really miserable afterwards and as it was had a nice evening at home and felt very happy with DH this morning. To aid recovery did another spreadsheet showing that X has really not got a spare penny each month (pleased he told me about all his debts and big outgoings now). I have tried another approach with DH and try to be more enticing and subtle and less confrontational and so far it seems to be working, hopefully will be over all this soon.

[kimberalex]

I think you should stop this straight away!
Are you thinking about his wife and his daughter?

I think it is rather selfish of you all he sees you is some one he can get is end away with..and if he has cheated before god knows how many sti's he has!

I really dont know how you can sleep with him and not think about the fact he has a wife and you have a husband

Am sorry but because your other half hasnt been giving you any nookie is no reason to cheat on him may be he has confidence issues maybe he knows you are cheating on him

think about every one else and not just yourself your an offlaoder when he needs one wake up and smell th ecoffee and try patch things up with your husband or at least divorce him

[CybilLiberty]

Anyone else bemoaning the lack of paragraphs in this otherwise juicy thread?

[macdoodle]

You did a spreadsheet?? To see what money he had left at the end of the month??
My god you realyl dont come across well in this thread - a little too cold and calculatinf for my like - your poor poor poor H

[veryconfusedandupset]

Maybe my lack of paragraphs makes me hard to understand - I'll try harder!

Kimberalex - this relationship is over - has been for about a fortnight or so now and I'm having counselling and finding some things harder and some things easier to cope with than I expected - I posted again to update some of the others who had been supportive to me about my progress. I'm working on thigs with DH and trying to be level headed.

MacDoodle - part of my strategy for coping if to use rational means to convince myself that the relationship couldn't work, and that X (to be charitable to him ) had other reasons than just changing his mind about it all to want to bring it to a close. During the times we spent together I paid for virtually everything and eventually he confided that part of the reason he was edgy about being found out was that he would be homeless and skint. I then discovered that despite cultivating the air of being fairly sucessfull things were not really that good. The spreadsheet is to remind me that if anything were to happen again between us I'd be paying, and also that he may have upset me a lot but life is no bed of roses for him at home. It may sound cold but making spreadsheets of pros and cons does help counter the hormones and lust quite well!

[roxi09]

Glad to see things are starting to turn a corner for you, good luck with everything

[Campingqueen]

Veryconfused, have read your thread with interest, amusement (AnyFucker) and ultimately compassion.

One thing tho' please sweetie, make sure you have password protected those spreadsheets, or you could find yourself in a completely different scenario than the present one!