Hi back again.
I think what you are experiencing is quite normal. I think when you are involved in this type of situation its a bit hyper and when it comes to an end there is a sense of relief along with the shock and sadness.
In my case, DP and me had agreed to split and I was thinking how we were going to tell the DCs, our families and all that when OM dropped his bombshell - so there was an element of ' phew, thank god I don't have to go through that '. And then you get all bolshy and think they are just a lying twat and you are better off without them and then, over the next few weeks, the reality bites in and you realise that is that. Its properly over.
Like you, I was just consumed by sadness - because regardless of how much I faniced him, I just liked him and enjoyed his company. I miss him. In a way, I'm lucky as I don't have to see him - it must be very hard for you. But this does get better - time will ease the pain and just try to distance yourself as much as you can from him and his wife. Aim for dignity and detachment.
I also relate to what you said about letting his wife and others know what he's like. Its because you feel hurt and angry - you want to lash out and 'win'. Telling all is something that causes divided opinion on here, but I would say don't. Self preservation should be your watchword at the moment - you need to deal with what is on your plate and not add any more. Aim for dignity and detachment.
Anyway, shout the odds to 'win' and what do you get ? A disgruntled and resentful man / someone you only got because his wife didn't want him / someone who had proved himself to be a liar to you aswell as to her. I only got involved with OM as he was so sure that he didn't want to be with his wife anymore and wanted to be back with me - as soon as it became clear that this wasn't the case, that I wasn't first choice, then she was welcome to him as far as I was concerned.
I think your recovery plan is a great idea - I've lost a stone and a half since it all kicked off and am determined to keep it off. Eat the same as you did before - just get a smaller plate and eat less of it than you used to so you don't have to faff about cooking anything different or going on a diet. My skin is terrible and my hair is bad due to the stress - but overall I look good and this has helped rebuild my self esteem and confidence. I've also had a couple of new piercings and a new tattoo done - maybe don't go this far and just get a haircut !
Exercise is great for rebuilding yourself and your feeling of self worth - I know its really hard to get motivated though. I've always run a lot and after I had the DCs I was like one of those octogenarians ( sp ) that you see at the back of the London marathon. I could hardly walk let alone - but two years later, I was back to running further than I ever had before. You just need to make a start, make it a priority and build up slowly and keep building, never go backwards. Its tough, but 6 months down the line, you will be fit and healthy and will feel great about yourself. Running also gave me a break from life - a break from thinking about the situation - all you have to concentrate on is breathing and surviving.
When it all kicked off DP decided I needed a target to motivate me and entered me into an off road half marathon fell run ! He said I'd got a couple of months to prepare - I had 5 weeks. Serves me right - I used to go out for a 12 mile run and meet OM half way round and then sit in the car, eating chocolate, and then get dropped off around the corner. So I'd not run over 10 miles in the previous 6 months. So maybe get yourself signed up for an event in 6 months time - tell everyone and ask them to sponsor you for your favourite charity or, even better, find someone with a very personal, worthy cause and offer to run it for their favourite charity. Then you will feel awful if you let them down. There. That should motivate you.
And finally sex. Firstly, speak for yourself about middle aged people looking rubbish when they have sex. I'm ( early ) middle age and I look hot ! But this is mainly due to the weight loss / exercise boost - get working on this and your sex life is sure to improve. And I know its a cliche, but get yourself some new sexy pants - even if they are from Primark - they do make you feel good because how ever low your mood you can think, hey, but at least I've got cracking knickers on !
My counsellor is also a sex therapist and she tells you to shag all the time, as much as you can. This is one piece of advice DP has readily taken on board and it really has helped. Having said that, sex was never a problem, even pre-affair, it was the neglect and emotional withdrawal that caused the problem !
Right bathtime looms. But chin up. You'll get there. I know its hard, but you will.