He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

[megmums]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

[megmums]

Exactly. I hope she was the only one. I can't believe this has happened to me and my dd. Just 20 months old. 20 months of lies and deceit on his part! An affair for the past 6 months atleast.

What a mess.

[lighthouse]

Hi Megmums

Been watching the posts and really feel for you, just wondering how you are?

[megmums]

Hi lighthouse

Well the text messages to my H are getting a bit less graphic. I never knew i could say such words.

I don't know what to do next, i can't think past the next hour at the moment.

I keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this nightmare.

[ladylush]

megmums - so sorry to hear you are going through this First of all, in your shoes (and I've been there - though at least h had the sense to wear a condom)I would need to know the truth and all the details however horrible they might be. You may find that the truth comes out in dribs and drabs which is very hard to deal with when you are trying to heal and move on. I always thought I'd find it impossible to forgive an affair. Initially I wanted him out/gone but over the weeks I started to consider giving it a go.
Mostly, I am glad. I still have days when I feel very sad but I think I'd have been more sad if we'd split up (we'd been together 18 years). I don't know if I could forgive him if he'd had unprotected sex though.

[mummatoone]

Yes he's hurt you and what he has done is unforgiveable, truly unforgivable BUT.............he has confessed all, he has told you what he wants for the future etc..

Reading between the lines your tone says you want to forgive him...in time, you want to give him a 2nd chance but feel you should punish him for his infidelity as thats what wives should do.

If you want it to work, you want to keep your family unit ... Then GO FOR IT. It will take time to build back the trust and he must know that there will be no other chances should he fu*k up again but not to defend him at all I must add...Dont you all deserve a 2nd chance?

Huge hugs in whatever YOU decide. x

[readbtweenthelines]

I personaly could not forgive and forget. I couldn't just let it go and hope new fresh memories will fade out the pain and deceit. If someone can lie so blatently to your face for so long with such ease, what is to stop them from doing it again. Whay does it say about the character of that person? Once an egg has been cracked it will forever remain broken. The crack will never heal Things will happen that will make you doubt him, that's human nature. Trust is so ver special it's IMO near on impossible to regain after it has been broken. That is only my opinion. You may be able to forgive. But does he really deserve your forgiveness. What do you derseve. I'm not even going to go into the fact he's a policeman.

I really hope you and your Daughter come out of this ok. Mumsnet is great for impartiak advice. I hope there's some you can use.

Warm hugs

[jbear]

Megamum,
I know what you are going through. I found out at xmas when i was 16 weeks pregnant that my husband had an affair with my friend for 4 years started just after we goy married. He got her pregnant twice but she miscarried. he said it is over and we are trying to work on it. I am so angry and confused.It took 6 months to get the truth. They will lie to keep what they have ,however i have read eberything ever writtenand am assured that with councilling things can get better. I advise seeing a solicitor though just for advice.