He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

[megmums]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

[jbear]

Megamum,
I know what you are going through. I found out at xmas when i was 16 weeks pregnant that my husband had an affair with my friend for 4 years started just after we goy married. He got her pregnant twice but she miscarried. he said it is over and we are trying to work on it. I am so angry and confused.It took 6 months to get the truth. They will lie to keep what they have ,however i have read eberything ever writtenand am assured that with councilling things can get better. I advise seeing a solicitor though just for advice.

[readbtweenthelines]

I personaly could not forgive and forget. I couldn't just let it go and hope new fresh memories will fade out the pain and deceit. If someone can lie so blatently to your face for so long with such ease, what is to stop them from doing it again. Whay does it say about the character of that person? Once an egg has been cracked it will forever remain broken. The crack will never heal Things will happen that will make you doubt him, that's human nature. Trust is so ver special it's IMO near on impossible to regain after it has been broken. That is only my opinion. You may be able to forgive. But does he really deserve your forgiveness. What do you derseve. I'm not even going to go into the fact he's a policeman.

I really hope you and your Daughter come out of this ok. Mumsnet is great for impartiak advice. I hope there's some you can use.

Warm hugs

[mummatoone]

Yes he's hurt you and what he has done is unforgiveable, truly unforgivable BUT.............he has confessed all, he has told you what he wants for the future etc..

Reading between the lines your tone says you want to forgive him...in time, you want to give him a 2nd chance but feel you should punish him for his infidelity as thats what wives should do.

If you want it to work, you want to keep your family unit ... Then GO FOR IT. It will take time to build back the trust and he must know that there will be no other chances should he fu*k up again but not to defend him at all I must add...Dont you all deserve a 2nd chance?

Huge hugs in whatever YOU decide. x

[ladylush]

megmums - so sorry to hear you are going through this First of all, in your shoes (and I've been there - though at least h had the sense to wear a condom)I would need to know the truth and all the details however horrible they might be. You may find that the truth comes out in dribs and drabs which is very hard to deal with when you are trying to heal and move on. I always thought I'd find it impossible to forgive an affair. Initially I wanted him out/gone but over the weeks I started to consider giving it a go.
Mostly, I am glad. I still have days when I feel very sad but I think I'd have been more sad if we'd split up (we'd been together 18 years). I don't know if I could forgive him if he'd had unprotected sex though.

[megmums]

Hi lighthouse

Well the text messages to my H are getting a bit less graphic. I never knew i could say such words.

I don't know what to do next, i can't think past the next hour at the moment.

I keep hoping that I am going to wake up from this nightmare.

[lighthouse]

Hi Megmums

Been watching the posts and really feel for you, just wondering how you are?

[megmums]

Exactly. I hope she was the only one. I can't believe this has happened to me and my dd. Just 20 months old. 20 months of lies and deceit on his part! An affair for the past 6 months atleast.

What a mess.

[hillsidemansion]

The other officer was stupid to get involved. But your husband even more so. What if the unprotected sex has other consequences, such as a baby? How do you know this woman was the only one?

[megmums]

hillsidemansion - ha, funnily we have not been married long and i know he started to chase her shortly after dd was born.

He tells me it is not her fault, he is completely to blame, but i think she was stupid to get involved with him.

[hillsidemansion]

I have a friend in the London police. She said it was a really good workplace for single womand such as herself, as she was chased by numerous officers. I remember January about a year and a half ago, she was telling me this really handsome married officer was texting with her, she said he was such a twat, had not been married long and and had a baby daughter. She said it was like being in a bubble where the outside world, and life outside the police did not matter. People outside the force were like a different planet.

I am sorry this is happening to you megsmum. I would never forgive nor forget such betrayal. Maybe your dh just got caught up in this weird atmosphere my friend was describing?

[macdoodle]

Be very careful of putting all the blame on the OW - no doubt what HE said to her, what HE made her feel and believe!
I made this mistake for a very long time blaming the OW, blaming myself (I remember you said this before that you both needed to change) - my XH just took it all as an excuse for HIS bad behaviour and choices!
male your H take responsibility, take the blame, it is HIM that has to make amends and regain your trust!
I hated and blamed the OW for a very long time to my utmost detriment, now I hold my XH fully responsible, though I do totally depsise the OW!

[nje3006]

Megmums I think you will find it very hard if he sees her every day. Can he not ask work to be moved shifts or watches or whatever? If they ask why he can say they had an affair and he wants to recover his marriage. Embarrassing for him? Sure but if he truly wants to recover he'll do whatever it takes and it will definitely take them not seeing each other every day.

The only other way not to see each other is for one of them to transfer. Has he put in for a transfer of some kind? I think you said she had but it could take time. Has he explained the truth to HR, they might be more willing to do what they can if they know the truth.

Being mad is completely normal. Of course you can't think straight. But this will pass and until it does there is no need to do anything drastic either way. You have time to wait until you feel a bit better. And you will. Whether you end up throwing him out or not.

Hang in there...

[twoclimbingboys]

I'm sure anger is totally normal hwn something like this happens. I think you are being really sensible actually. I certainly wouldn't let him move back in either until he had transfered away from her (if you do allow him back at all). It would be torture for you the whole time he was at work.

[megmums]

When will i stop feeling so

I can't make any decision, even think straight, until i stop being angry.

I don't know what to do.

He has to keep working with her for the time being, i said i can't move on while he sees her everyday. I can't bear the thought of it.

[PotPourri]

Not read the full thread. So for you. I'm not sure if I could forgive the affair. But I am sure I couldn't forgive not using condoms - he could have given you something, or made a baby with his fancy woman. It's so irresponsible and selfish. Is it possible that he was doing it as a power trip - just because he can? Same way as he is now making the other woman suffer. Has he been unkind to you, bullied you in the past?

BTW, I know of a couple where the man had an affair. They stayed together, but everything changed. She became the boss, and it worked - but I am not sure I could turn the tables - I would be too hurt and downtrodden.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and wish you all the best in sorting this out in a way that works for you and your DD.

[megmums]

Thanks twoclimbingboys - i am all over the place but ok, no idea what to do next though. I can't think about the future at the moment.

[megmums]

I have seen proof that he ended it. I met him earlier to talk - mainly to rant and question him really, but felt i was ready.

I asked to see any texts she has just sent him. Her text read that she really thought she meant something to him...how she can't get over how it meant nothing and and he could just push her to one side..her heart is broken.

She's an idiot. She worked with him BEFORE our dd was born, and AFTER - she must have seen the sudden change in his behaviour, it was obvious the life change was too much and he was looking for an escape - not escape as in leave me, but to have something to make him feel young again - fatherhood was just TOO much.

I am soo angry, i have deleted all photos and thrown out stuff that i know she got him (silly little things).

[Anifrangapani]

Megamum - it is possible to stay together, but it is a long and painful process. It has been 12 months since I found out.

OW was one of my frinds . I sent her an email to tell her that she was to keep out of my life and if she set foot anywhere near my family then I would hot tail it around to her house and explain the situation to her partner. I have never spoken to her since, however when I see her ( her dc are at the same school as mine & we live in a smalll village) I take great pleasure in being more smiley, slimmer ( finding out about an affar is an effective way to lose weight), and happier than she is. The hate I feel for her is beyond words, but she would never know. I do not know what dh said to her, and no longer care - he lied to her as much as he did to me.

As for my dh - I went through a stage of hating him and threatening divorce - about 6 months after finding out because he was drifting back to the selfish dick behaviour he was displaying before I found out. We had to look at what we both wanted out of our marriage and family life. That was a really hard process. However we are both stronger people because of it. I found an important part of that process was realising I could cope without him ( I took our financial and custody situations out of the equation b/c I knew somehow the kids and I would survive). Then I let him decide what his priorities were. That way I knew he had chosen to stay with me and he would commit to us. That is not to say that if I found his behaviour unacceptable that I would let him stay ( hence the divorce threat 6 months later).

There are still days that the emotions bubble up and I get all shouty. Those days are further and further apart. So it does get better. I forgive him now - although not forgotten, and I do love him ( just not some of his behaviour).

What ever you decide you want to do, you will get through it.

[twoclimbingboys]

i'm sending hugs megmums - I think you are coping brilliantly. I'm sure you and your DD are both amazing, unlike him.

[megmums]

He told me that she is separate to our life - has nothing to do with our dd, i don't think he thought anything through until the past 2 weeks, i haven't been eating and he knew why - he knew that i knew so he had to release me from the pain i have been in for months. I hate him so much.

I just saw photos of her on facebook (seen photos of her before) and i just broke down, i think i am coping then i realise i am now.

i feel like this isn't my life

I hope to wake up soon!

He told me that some people get counselling when they can't cope with life, but he chose hto escape into his own little world with her where his loving devoted wife and amazing little dd did not exist.

[HappyWoman]

I think it is pointless trying to make sense of why he did it. I read lots at the time too and remember that it is more likely a marrige will survive if the man has been unfaithful.

I think some of this is to do with the fact that we do actually think differently.
Woman tend to think they would only cheat if there was a problem in the marriage and that is pretty much how many woman see it (including the ow), so they think that a man would only cheat if he wasnt happy at home...

But men tend to see the affair as 'extra' and are more able to keep it seperate and therefore do not link the affair with the end of the marriage in the same way that women do. iyswim.

These are only generalizations i know but it does seem to be a pattern that many affairs take.

There also seems to be an 'acceptace' of men who have affairs and even though it is not fair we as a society tend to see men as a bit of a lad and the ow as a slapper. So it seems it is 'easier' for a woman to take back an unfaithful man than a man an unfaithful wife.

I do also believe that a marriage can be better post affair - it will never be the same but it can be far more equal but you do both need to want it to work and put the effort in.

I am a much stronger person now and although would never recommend it - it has certainly helped our relationship in many ways.
We now make sure we have some time just for us and get to go on holidays on our own now. I really dont think this would have happened without the affair.

Anyway mega - take all the time you need to work out what it is that you really want, once your emotions settle down you will feel what is right for you.

[abedelia]

So sorry megmums. It is the selfishness that I find hard to get past (even a year on) -I remember my children coming crying to me at 5am because I had had to throw their dad out and they knew I was sad. I cried my eyes out when one asked (having doubtless overhead something) 'why did he choose her over us'? It was even worse for the OW's dc - wetting the bed aged 9 as a result.

[megmums]

My dd can definately sense something, she has been difficult to get to bed (normally no trouble atall) and now she has woken up grizzling.

I haven't cried in front of her today. I am taking time off work to get my head straight and she went to nursery for most of the day so i could have space.

She's just 20 months old. Bless her.

[megmums]

My H is on Orange so can't do bluebook.

I read once that 6 out of 10 married men have affairs and 4 out of ten married women.

Half of marriages end in divorce, and only half of the couples that stay together are really happy. So thats just a 25% chance of having a good marriage! The odds are stacked against!!

[Scorps]

Bluebook lists all texts sent and recieved and their content. Even if they delte from phone, it stays on bluebook. I have this for my husbands phone.

It is passworded and it sends a cide to his phone. Only i know the password so he cannot fiddle.