He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

[megmums]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

[noddyholder]

I think you do He has disrespected you so much and made you feel paranoid and that is hard to tak plus he riskd your health and could have brought a child into this mess.You are worth more but it is hard to see when you still hav a toddler those are difficult years.The boredom and trapped line is BS don't these men ever think women get bored?Your dd can still hav him in her life just don't have him in yours.

[megmums]

I have a good job, but i can't afford to live in this part of the country on just my salary, even renting would be too expensive. And all my family and friends live 2 hours away. (Apart from one uni friend and a good friend that i met in my current job).

I either have to stick it out for now, then get a job/rented house back where i am from (120 miles away). Then either see if i can rent this house out (i LOVE my house btw, i'm never going to be able to afford a house on my own - i can't earn this much money back where i am from). I don't know if he can afford the mortgage and bills on his own, he would have to get a lodger.

[Tamarto]

'the grass is not always greener'

No it isn't but it's no excuse for putting up with crap.

[MaggieBelleVirgo]

The grass is not always greener no, but I think that married women do fear singledom more than they should. They don't just fear losing their own husband, they fear the state of being single far more than they need to, iyswim.

Only you can decide, but don't let a dread of being single influence the decision, that's what I'm saying.

Is the house in both your names? If you decide to end it, tell him not to come back, you stay in the house.

I had to leave the house, but it wasn't in my name, no rights, blah blah, I knew it was hopeless. You should stay in the house if you're married.

[Scorps]

megmums - i have recently found out nasty things about my husband, too. I came to the conclusion that it's my life, and only I could choose what would be best. In the end, i knew i would hurt more without him, than with him.

This is NOT your fault. Keep strong.

[MaggieBelleVirgo]

Megmums, you live near a language school? could you get a foreign student? you can get about £350 a month for that....

[megmums]

Scorps have you forgiven him? How did you do that?

[beanieb]

Try not to panic because at the moment he has left to give you some space and time to think things over. You don't have to let him back.

Where is he staying?

You need to make it clear to him that he has no automatic right to come back and to expect to be a couple again and that it will take time (And effort from him) before you can trust him.

[Scorps]

Megmums - i only discovered the affair 8 days ago, this is very early days. I did kick him out; but asked for him to come back as i knew i would hurt more without him. (He has bee nseeing a 19yr old girl since march, im 20 weeks pg with dc4).

He will be attending counselling, he is basically proving his worth to me. Itemised billing for phone. I am taking it day by day. Sometimes iwant to forget; others i hate him and want to hurt him. OW knew i was pg and he was married too.

[megmums]

I don't know how you are coping, i feel so glad that i am not pregnant. I can see why you feel you need him, having a baby is a big scarey thins isn't it, not something anyone would really want to do on their own.

You should have heard him last night - saying how he doesn't want our dd to be an only child, or to have half/step siblings - apparently he knows what to expect now, if heaven forbid i ever allow him in the same bed as me, let alone get me pg.

I just text him and said i want him to call HER in front of me to PROOVE to me that it is well and truly over. She says he can't do that, but no way am i moving on until he does that. Simple as.

I feel strong yet numb. I'm not grovelling. He asked me if he could cuddle me last night, don't worry i didn't let him anywhere near me. No way.

[startingovernow]

Hi megmums, I just wanted to add that I am really sorry about the way this has turned out for you. Please take care of yourself, talk to as many people as possible & get as much support for yourself as possible. I would also recommend counselling before you make any decision on how to move forward (not couple counselling, just for you for now). Take care & best wishes.

[Scorps]

I haven't let H touch me either.

Yes im scared of having a baby alone; who isn't . I'm here, i think, for my unborn dd, my children, and because i have faith in marriage vows and want it to work. He will be proving himself to me for a long time to come.

My DH is also full of shit promises, wistful notions...oh and the sorry's are amazing .

You will be ok, with or without.

[tammybear]

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened megmums. I did see your other thread, I hadn't posted. hugs

I think for your H to be able to prove himself to you and to start gaining your trust and forgiveness, he needs to be showing that it's over, and for example like talking to her in front of you. However, what would you want him to say to her? If he is still seeing her (and I really hope for your sake he was telling the truth and isn't seeing her) then he could tell her that he needs to call her to make it out that it is over. Just a thought, and I am really sorry that this is happening to you

[MaggieBelleVirgo]

wow, a 19 year old.... what an ass.

Proving himself to you... what does that mean though? Making him jump through hoops, or keepig him at a distance, or refusing or not wanting to have sex.

It all seems like the reaction of somebody who in the heart wants to end the relationship but is scared of beins single.

8 days ago is very recent... this is the good thing about mumsnet. you can actually find soembody to chat to who went through this....8 days ago.. wow. too common.

[megmums]

I believe that he has finished with her, i think she will try to get him to go back to her, if he does then she is welcome to him. I've got to go and pick my lovely little girl up from nursery now, she's only 20 months bless her, and completely oblivious to what he dad has done to us. I'll post again later.

Thanks everyone for your honest views and advice.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

You know, for me, the worst thing would be that he lied when you confronted him. When he could see you knew and he was denying it, turning it around to you, watching you suffer, doubt yourself when all the time he knew. He knew that you were right. He did that to you! To me, that's even worse than sleeping with another woman. He looked you in the eye and lied and tried to make you feel you were bonkers and all the time thinking "She's right, but I'm not going to tell her."

i could get past my husband sticking his dick somewhere else, but not looking me in the eye and telling me I was nuts, paranoid, whatever when all the time he WAS doing what I was saying he was doing.

[tammybear]

Oh I forgot to say this.

You said you don't want your DD to grow up without her dad around. I grew up without my dad around. He cheated on my mum once, they worked through it, then there were lots of arguments and they ended up splitting up when I was 7. My dad chose to have hardly any contact with us and my mum was happy about that. I would have liked both of them to have made the effort so I could have had a relationship with my dad, but it felt very much like he wasn't that bothered.

So with this knowledge, when I wasn't happy with DD's father when she was a baby for many many reasons, I stayed with him for her sake. I realised this was making me miserable so I split up with him when DD was 8 months old and it was the best choice for us. Even though I really dislike him, bordering on hating him, I make sure I'm as nice as I can be to him, for DD's sake. I made sure she still had a relationship with him, even if it meant pushing his ass into gear sometimes, and in fact I'm taking her to see him this weekend at his house (lives 3 hours away) so she can spend a night whilst DP and I stay in a hotel. Not looking forward to it mind you as DD has never stayed with him on her own before, so I'm probably more nervous than she is for her lol.

But my point is, if you do split up with H, your DD can still have a relationship with him. You would both have to come to an agreement and work on it.

[HappyWoman]

I havent read the whole thread but have been in a simlar.

My advice would be to make sure someone at work knows whats going on. They will have seen it all before. They may make the decision to get rid of them both but believe me it is better than 'allowing' them to continue to work together.

My h did try and work with her and work knew and said they would 'help' - it never works imo. Looking back i think they thought it would all fizzle out - but what really happens is that it either continues and work turn a blind eye or they end up hating each other and cant support each other.

My h begged me for another chance - and we are working on it still (2 years on - it is a long road to recovery). After a while he actually hated seeing her at work (and i am sure she him). My h was lucky enough to find another job which is actually better in many ways than he had so he left. His firm were furious as i think they would have 'choosen' him over her - but they lacked the balls to see that it just could not work.

Anyway i will read the thread and come back with some more tips later.

Take care of yourself - the lies are the worst thing imo too - will you ever trust him again knowing how good a liar he is?

[HappyWoman]

ok megamums

You dont have to forgive him what he did to you - some things really are unforgivable but you will need to find peace to be able to live with it.

this may be a huge wake up call to him and whilst it is not an exuse for what he did - i think it is somehow 'acceptable' for affairs to happen - by that i mean we all tend to turn a blind eye and it is only after it has happened that people see the utter destruction they cause for so many people.

For me i knew i wanted to do all i could to save my marriage as it meant that much to me - but at the same time i needed to make sure i knew my own boundaries. Take this time to really think about what you want - you are in shock at the moment and do not have to make the decision yet anyway. He says he has ended it with ow and if he has then that has nothing to do with you - dont let him make you feel that you 'forced' him to. You need to know that he did it for himself.

My advice would be dont be afraid of divorce - it is a long process that even if you start you can stop - go and get some really good legal advice from several solicitors if need be and feel comforted that you will not be left destitute. With the fear gone you will be able to think more clearly.
I would also keep the moral high ground and not contact ow however tempting it is - she is nothing to you and you owe her nothing (that is how she feels about you). If your h respects you he will cut ALL contact with her too - there is NO reason for him to talk to her again - she will get the message soon enough. You will need to be a team from now on.
Once you know she is off the scene you can make a better judgemement of whether he is worth it and that you are not just fighting for him.
Dont be afraid of changing your mind - at this moment you owe him nothing - he has destroyed your marriage and if he wants it to continue it will have to be a whole new relationship.

He can if he wants to put the effort in try and repair the marriage but do not let him make you feel guilty for not saying it will work.

Make sure others know of this - do not be scared - you are not at fault and he needs to take the blame wholly.

I do believe he can change if he wants to and it is up to you whether you can see this as a huge mistake on his part.

Whatever happens things will never be the same but try an see the positives that can come from this too.

Good luck and keep posting.

[tiredandgrumpy]

Pre children, dh cheated on me. It took a long time to get over it, but I needed to know everything first so I could fully understand what I had to come to terms with. I did go through a phase when I was convinced we should split up, but we did get over it eventually and I now trust him totally. We are also far happier now than before.

Mine was before the dc, so obviously not the same as your problem, but I would say that you can forgive, but it must be on your terms and it certainly won't happen overnight. I reckon counselling would be a really good way of determining whether you're up to working through this or whether a split would be better. You can't make a decision right now, when you're in turmoil. Better wait until you feel more clear-headed about it all.

[HappyWoman]

and trust is a odd thing.

There are some things we do trust - ie looking after the children being good with money, come home when he says ....

And if you accept that you do not trust him with ow then you need to find a way to aliveate those fears.

And you probably wont trust anyone for a while - i know i am a lot more sceptical of others now.

Some good counselling will help you both as will getting some time for you to do what you want too.

[StirlingTheTired]

This is a hard one megmums - It just comes down to..

1. whether you can forgive everything that he has done.
2. whether he is sorry enough and shows concern for you and what you are going through.
3. whether you can talk this through - on your own or with a counsellor.

And even then, in a few months time, you may feel that you would much rather be without him. Only time will tell.

Truly hope you can get through this and can continue being a family

[Maria2007]

Hi megmums

really really sorry you're going through this. And with a 20 month old (quite a small child, still)... Just wanted to express my sympathy.

You've got some excellent advice from the others. I have to say I don't particularly agree with those who say 'leave immediately / how could you trust him again'. First, we're not in your shoes. Each person & is situation is completely different. Second, these things take TIME. You can give that to yourself, give yourself the time you need & think things through gradually until you reach the choice that's right for you. Not for him. But for you. And perhaps it might be easier if during this time that you do your thinking (and that things develop) he's not around; it'll be harder with him around. But again, your choice.

But I have to add that I agree with what Hecate has said. For me the hardest bit would definitely not be the affair (because people are human & sometimes unfortunately these awful things do happen but relationships do, in some cases, survive affairs). What seems worse to me is the lying beforehand, the fact that you suspected & he didn't face up to what was happening & made you feel paranoid. That on its own would make me want to at least spend some time apart from him.

I hope you find a way through this- and I'm sure you will in time!

[ElfOnTheTopShelf]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and that you DH has betrayed you and your DD.

In your OP, I was reading with "wanker" at the back of my mind, but had to do a sharp intake of breath at the "I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms." Its not just the fact he didn't care about your feelings, but didn't even consider your health. Tosser.

TBH, I dont have a massive amount of advice, I haven't been there myself, and I only know the bad side of stories where friends/relations have been having affairs; but I guess maybe those who have battled through it aren't as public with what has happened.

Un-mumsnetty hugs to you, hope that everything works out for the best.

[DamonBradleylovesPippi]

I have not read your previous posts but I am so sorry for what is/has been happening to you.

I don;t know if I could forget the affair but like you say I know I could not forget "the way that he made ME feel like I was mental".

Don't have any practical advice except for take your time and do not be afraid to ask for proofs and do not feel guilty to be suspicious.

wish you all the strength you need.