He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

[megmums]

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

I don't know why they do it Danceaway. My DH always despised men that did this to their DWs and DC and now he is one of them - he is finding that really hard to come to terms with. I have a friend who is a muslim and comes from Morocco (also married with 4DC) who said, when I told what DH had done, "ahh, men, that is their weakness". That really upset DH as well, that he was weak which is what he was.

I know there were a specific set of circumstances that let to my DH having the affair which we both understand - he was having a breakdown and the OW was his rockbottom. Our therapist said that women tend not to reach rockbottom like men do eg the number of alcoholic homeless men on the street as compared to women. Women tend to think of the children etc no matter how low they are feeling etc.

TBH you can tie yourself up in knots trying to make sense of what is, essentially, nonsense.

I remember reading the National Divorce Statstics webpages just after this had all kicked off to see what chance me and DP had of getting through it. I don't remember exact stats, but what stuck in my mind was that about 65% of couples stay together after an affair but of them 70% or so describe their subsequent relationship as 'empty and loveless'. Which is a pretty grim outcome.

( Can't find the webpage at the moment - will try and link it later.)

I also read that if is the man who is unfaithful then its more likely to survive than if it is the woman.

What is it with Policeman? Every copper, I know five, I know has had at least one affair......or never married(just one).

I couldn't forgive that, especially the love for her will fade bit, what love? Anyone that I invested my love in would have to love me and nly me back.

Re the opportunity to cheat - does that mean something as simple as DW 'allowing' DH to the pub, to a life? How can you balance things properly afterwards? Why can't they just say no, I'm married? God it would be a knee jerk reaction for me.

CTT I realise that you need to direct anger at Ow but your universal truth that 'men always affair down and all Ow are trash' is an interesting take on things.

I have been on both sides - in each case I couldn't say that exh OW was much different to me in terms of looks, etc in fact she was prob in a more highly powered job.

I would have hoped that my exh still had taste IYKWIM

When I was OW I certainly didn't think I was unworthy of MM and from what I could gather did not seem that his wife was miles better than me - she was prob just ordinary person.

To OP so sorry to hear of your situation. in my own situation our marriage was on the skids wehn I found out so we would have split up anyway.

But if it comes out of the blue thne it's a different matter. Very difficult

SCL, agree with your first post. I was very similar in age, job, intelligence, size, looks etc to the DW - the main difference between us was that she was/is not a clothes and make up person, and not one for going out, whereas I am very much the opposite. I never thought I was better than her, equally I never told MM to leave her for me.

Just to add re phones etc, checking the phone that there are no messages, or he hasn't called her, only works to a limited extent. MM used to phone me from a work phone to avoid my number showing up on his bill, & always let me know when he was/wasn't at work so I would know when it was safe to call him on his mobile. He used to get free texts I think so the numbers texted never came up on his bill, and used to send and then delete a load of other texts at the end of every day to cover the ones he sent to me.

I think if you have a O2 phone and subscribe to Bluebook, this copies all texts, dialled/received numbers to an email. But ultimately if he does want to stay in contact with OW, (which I hope, if you do decide to give him a seocnd chance, he doesnt) and she does as well, there are many ways round it

Bluebook lists all texts sent and recieved and their content. Even if they delte from phone, it stays on bluebook. I have this for my husbands phone.

It is passworded and it sends a cide to his phone. Only i know the password so he cannot fiddle.

My H is on Orange so can't do bluebook.

I read once that 6 out of 10 married men have affairs and 4 out of ten married women.

Half of marriages end in divorce, and only half of the couples that stay together are really happy. So thats just a 25% chance of having a good marriage! The odds are stacked against!!

My dd can definately sense something, she has been difficult to get to bed (normally no trouble atall) and now she has woken up grizzling.

I haven't cried in front of her today. I am taking time off work to get my head straight and she went to nursery for most of the day so i could have space.

She's just 20 months old. Bless her.

So sorry megmums. It is the selfishness that I find hard to get past (even a year on) -I remember my children coming crying to me at 5am because I had had to throw their dad out and they knew I was sad. I cried my eyes out when one asked (having doubtless overhead something) 'why did he choose her over us'? It was even worse for the OW's dc - wetting the bed aged 9 as a result.

I think it is pointless trying to make sense of why he did it. I read lots at the time too and remember that it is more likely a marrige will survive if the man has been unfaithful.

I think some of this is to do with the fact that we do actually think differently.
Woman tend to think they would only cheat if there was a problem in the marriage and that is pretty much how many woman see it (including the ow), so they think that a man would only cheat if he wasnt happy at home...

But men tend to see the affair as 'extra' and are more able to keep it seperate and therefore do not link the affair with the end of the marriage in the same way that women do. iyswim.

These are only generalizations i know but it does seem to be a pattern that many affairs take.

There also seems to be an 'acceptace' of men who have affairs and even though it is not fair we as a society tend to see men as a bit of a lad and the ow as a slapper. So it seems it is 'easier' for a woman to take back an unfaithful man than a man an unfaithful wife.

I do also believe that a marriage can be better post affair - it will never be the same but it can be far more equal but you do both need to want it to work and put the effort in.

I am a much stronger person now and although would never recommend it - it has certainly helped our relationship in many ways.
We now make sure we have some time just for us and get to go on holidays on our own now. I really dont think this would have happened without the affair.

Anyway mega - take all the time you need to work out what it is that you really want, once your emotions settle down you will feel what is right for you.

He told me that she is separate to our life - has nothing to do with our dd, i don't think he thought anything through until the past 2 weeks, i haven't been eating and he knew why - he knew that i knew so he had to release me from the pain i have been in for months. I hate him so much.

I just saw photos of her on facebook (seen photos of her before) and i just broke down, i think i am coping then i realise i am now.

i feel like this isn't my life

I hope to wake up soon!

He told me that some people get counselling when they can't cope with life, but he chose hto escape into his own little world with her where his loving devoted wife and amazing little dd did not exist.

i'm sending hugs megmums - I think you are coping brilliantly. I'm sure you and your DD are both amazing, unlike him.

Megamum - it is possible to stay together, but it is a long and painful process. It has been 12 months since I found out.

OW was one of my frinds . I sent her an email to tell her that she was to keep out of my life and if she set foot anywhere near my family then I would hot tail it around to her house and explain the situation to her partner. I have never spoken to her since, however when I see her ( her dc are at the same school as mine & we live in a smalll village) I take great pleasure in being more smiley, slimmer ( finding out about an affar is an effective way to lose weight), and happier than she is. The hate I feel for her is beyond words, but she would never know. I do not know what dh said to her, and no longer care - he lied to her as much as he did to me.

As for my dh - I went through a stage of hating him and threatening divorce - about 6 months after finding out because he was drifting back to the selfish dick behaviour he was displaying before I found out. We had to look at what we both wanted out of our marriage and family life. That was a really hard process. However we are both stronger people because of it. I found an important part of that process was realising I could cope without him ( I took our financial and custody situations out of the equation b/c I knew somehow the kids and I would survive). Then I let him decide what his priorities were. That way I knew he had chosen to stay with me and he would commit to us. That is not to say that if I found his behaviour unacceptable that I would let him stay ( hence the divorce threat 6 months later).

There are still days that the emotions bubble up and I get all shouty. Those days are further and further apart. So it does get better. I forgive him now - although not forgotten, and I do love him ( just not some of his behaviour).

What ever you decide you want to do, you will get through it.

I have seen proof that he ended it. I met him earlier to talk - mainly to rant and question him really, but felt i was ready.

I asked to see any texts she has just sent him. Her text read that she really thought she meant something to him...how she can't get over how it meant nothing and and he could just push her to one side..her heart is broken.

She's an idiot. She worked with him BEFORE our dd was born, and AFTER - she must have seen the sudden change in his behaviour, it was obvious the life change was too much and he was looking for an escape - not escape as in leave me, but to have something to make him feel young again - fatherhood was just TOO much.

I am soo angry, i have deleted all photos and thrown out stuff that i know she got him (silly little things).

Thanks twoclimbingboys - i am all over the place but ok, no idea what to do next though. I can't think about the future at the moment.

Not read the full thread. So for you. I'm not sure if I could forgive the affair. But I am sure I couldn't forgive not using condoms - he could have given you something, or made a baby with his fancy woman. It's so irresponsible and selfish. Is it possible that he was doing it as a power trip - just because he can? Same way as he is now making the other woman suffer. Has he been unkind to you, bullied you in the past?

BTW, I know of a couple where the man had an affair. They stayed together, but everything changed. She became the boss, and it worked - but I am not sure I could turn the tables - I would be too hurt and downtrodden.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and wish you all the best in sorting this out in a way that works for you and your DD.

When will i stop feeling so

I can't make any decision, even think straight, until i stop being angry.

I don't know what to do.

He has to keep working with her for the time being, i said i can't move on while he sees her everyday. I can't bear the thought of it.

I'm sure anger is totally normal hwn something like this happens. I think you are being really sensible actually. I certainly wouldn't let him move back in either until he had transfered away from her (if you do allow him back at all). It would be torture for you the whole time he was at work.

Megmums I think you will find it very hard if he sees her every day. Can he not ask work to be moved shifts or watches or whatever? If they ask why he can say they had an affair and he wants to recover his marriage. Embarrassing for him? Sure but if he truly wants to recover he'll do whatever it takes and it will definitely take them not seeing each other every day.

The only other way not to see each other is for one of them to transfer. Has he put in for a transfer of some kind? I think you said she had but it could take time. Has he explained the truth to HR, they might be more willing to do what they can if they know the truth.

Being mad is completely normal. Of course you can't think straight. But this will pass and until it does there is no need to do anything drastic either way. You have time to wait until you feel a bit better. And you will. Whether you end up throwing him out or not.

Hang in there...

Be very careful of putting all the blame on the OW - no doubt what HE said to her, what HE made her feel and believe!
I made this mistake for a very long time blaming the OW, blaming myself (I remember you said this before that you both needed to change) - my XH just took it all as an excuse for HIS bad behaviour and choices!
male your H take responsibility, take the blame, it is HIM that has to make amends and regain your trust!
I hated and blamed the OW for a very long time to my utmost detriment, now I hold my XH fully responsible, though I do totally depsise the OW!

I have a friend in the London police. She said it was a really good workplace for single womand such as herself, as she was chased by numerous officers. I remember January about a year and a half ago, she was telling me this really handsome married officer was texting with her, she said he was such a twat, had not been married long and and had a baby daughter. She said it was like being in a bubble where the outside world, and life outside the police did not matter. People outside the force were like a different planet.

I am sorry this is happening to you megsmum. I would never forgive nor forget such betrayal. Maybe your dh just got caught up in this weird atmosphere my friend was describing?

hillsidemansion - ha, funnily we have not been married long and i know he started to chase her shortly after dd was born.

He tells me it is not her fault, he is completely to blame, but i think she was stupid to get involved with him.

The other officer was stupid to get involved. But your husband even more so. What if the unprotected sex has other consequences, such as a baby? How do you know this woman was the only one?